A/N: This is my very first Heartstopper fanfic! Just to emphasize, this is mainly compliant with the Netflix series. I'm aware Charlie tells Nick about his self-harm in the webcomic, but again, this story won't follow that. Instead it'll be based on my own personal experience with self-harm. Admittedly, I don't touch on Charlie's eating disorder except for one hint, mainly because I don't feel like I would be able to write it in a respectful manner. I hope you understand!

I know more American English than British, so I apologize for any mistakes.

Hope you enjoy this!

It's been a year.

One full year.

The scars are still there, less prominent, but there.

Charlie always finds himself looking at them, before hiding his body in long sleeves and baggy sweaters. Only the closest know about the scars.

Except his boyfriend.

He and Nick have been together for months, officially dating more recently, and Charlie hasn't shown his arms often; or if he has, like in rugby or when he's in pyjamas, Nick never noticed. After all, you can only see them up close, and it's not like his boyfriend is invasive, it's quite the opposite.

It's precisely Nick's patience and concern and kindness that have been making Charlie question all this.

His friends know about the scars, they were there for the worst of it; most specifically Tao, the one who fights nail and tooth for Charlie. It's one of the main reasons why Tao is very protective and fierce, always making sure Charlie has someone in case a relapse happens.

Relapses are much less likely to happen nowadays, but sometimes, when he's feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed… the urge comes back. The sharpness against his skin, to be followed by an itching, burning red, is still very much felt. Charlie does whatever it takes to avoid it, usually distracting himself with something else.

He hasn't given up to these thoughts. Yet.

Charlie is terrified of relapsing. His recovery has been going well. He knows it's not a linear process, but he doesn't enjoy hurting himself; even if, in a twisted sense, it makes him feel good. In the end, he'll always feel terrible about it. He'll become sick, and just the thought makes him want to scream or beat his head repeatedly on the wall.

Today happens to be one of these days.

It's everything that's happened before, the bullies, Ben… and the possibility of Nick finding out about his urges and scars. It doesn't help that his boyfriend is coming over for a movie marathon. They'll probably stick in with the Spider-Man movies – all of them – today, as Nick's choice. Charlie is too unfocused to pick the films himself, and he doesn't want Nick to notice something is wrong, because he's going to get worried and sad and Charlie hates upsetting him. Nick is too good for him, and he hates taking advantage of that.

Charlie has once again picked a baggy sweater for him to hide his body, and he's sitting on the lonely couch, barely eating breakfast. Time passes by like hours, as his family is away for the day, the loneliness and silence and his thoughts combined weighing on him, eating him away…

Then the doorbell rings, and it's like the sun is brighter in the Spring household. The day seems to flip like a switch the moment Charlie opens the door and greets Nick in one of the latter's loving embraces that could bring all the good feelings. Indeed, for a moment, Charlie forgets everything else and absorbs Nick's love in this mere hug for a good couple of seconds, like they haven't seen each other in so long, despite the fact it's probably been just a few days without physical contact.

But alas, it doesn't last forever, and once Nick lets go and heads to the living room to pick the remote, Charlie walks behind, his smile, the reassurance gone. Nick and the bowl of popcorn await, so he masks it and sits with them, the boys scooting closer to one another.

The first movie begins, and Charlie pays attention to… nothing. Even with his boyfriend next to him, laughing and commenting how silly the first Spider-Man is, the black-haired teen cannot bring himself to enjoy their time together. And it's not like he isn't trying, it's just… a bad day, and he doesn't want it to be.

Nick is going to notice. He's going to know Charlie is not over anything, that Charlie is a fraud and he used to hurt himself, and part of him wants to hurt again and it's not going to make sense and he's going to make Nick feel guilty and useless and not enough—

…rlie.

Charlie.

"Charlie!"

Shit.

"… S-Sorry, did you say something?"

Nick blinks. "You just… looked like your head is somewhere else."

"Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a moment."

"It doesn't seem like it's been for a moment. You… Are you not enjoying the movie?"

"N-No! I mean, of course I'm enjoying the film, it's fun!"

Obviously, Nick doesn't look convinced.

"Charlie, you can tell me when you're not okay. You know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

Great, now his boyfriend is concerned, with those big puppy eyes of his. Charlie only feels the dread worsening.

"You don't have to force yourself to do anything you don't want to," Nick reassures him. "We can pause and- and talk, if you want to."

"Nick, it's fine."

"Is it?"

Charlie hesitates because no, it's not fine.

"… okay," he sighs, "I didn't wake up feeling too great today."

Nick has taken his hands, which are half covered by his sleeves.

"Any particular reason?" The blond wonders.

Charlie gulps, "Yes. But…"

It's the moment of truth. Does he tell Nick? Does he show him? Does he say nothing at all? Because he knows Nick would never – ever – pressure him to talk about such a difficult issue or do anything that makes Charlie uncomfortable.

But then… Nick deserves honesty. He deserves to be included, to look into Charlie's soul. Or… at least Charlie wants him to.

Finally, the younger boy lets go of Nick's hands, as one of his own lands on his lower arm.

"It's… an anniversary today."

"Of what?"

Charlie inhales.

"… I've been one year clean."

Nick frowns slightly in confusion. "Clean? You mean…"

The other rubs his arm.

"I used to…" Charlie pauses, "hurt myself."

He wasn't entirely sure about it, but then he's pulling up his sleeve, his fingers touching where the scars are, where it used to itch and ache and burn.

"Today marks a whole year since I last did it," Charlie explains. "But… sometimes… I kind of feel like doing it again. When it's all too much, the first solution that comes to my head is… cutting myself to let the pain out."

The curly-haired teen doesn't dare look at Nick the entire time he talks, instead focusing on his exposed arm, carefully looking into it, analysing the width, the length of the scars…

"I want to maintain this year clean. I don't want to relapse. I… I want to feel good. I am so much happier now, with you… but I can't stop thinking about it." Before he processes it, a sniff escapes. "A-And I don't want you to feel guilty or bad, it's not your fault, it's my own fault that I can't get over what happened to me—"

"Charlie."

Now, it's another hand that touches his arm, so very gently that Charlie almost flinches away.

"… it's not your fault, either," his boyfriend states calmly, "for feeling like that."

Nick looks at the scars closely, not appearing to be shocked or appalled. He simply… understands.

And soon, he's planting a kiss on Charlie's arm.

"You've been through so much," Nick continues, "you're allowed to feel hurt or scared or uncertain. It's okay."

Charlie shouldn't be surprised nor overwhelmed at his response. After all, his boyfriend is Nick Nelson, the sweetest and kindest person he knows, the one who still love and support him no matter the hardships.

Even still, Charlie can't help the falling tears, whether they're from relief or from the clogged-up pain in his heart. As a result, Nick pulls him into his arms, Charlie burying his face in his boyfriend's shoulder, wetting his shirt.

The taller boy lets him cry for as long as he needs, and now both of Charlie's arms are exposed, holding onto the other tightly. Once Charlie calms down, Nick kisses his head and squeezes him.

"Thank you for telling me," he whispers. "You're really brave."

Charlie certainly does not think of himself as brave, so it means the world coming from Nick.

"Will you let me know when you feel that way again?" The latter asks. He doesn't beg or command, he just wants to be supportive.

The black-haired boy would've taken a while to consider, because he knows his self-hatred can get the best of him and then he won't be telling anyone, but… he's willing to try otherwise.

"I will."

"Okay."

Nick pulls away, still making sure to rub Charlie's arms before they're hidden away again.

"Do you want to continue the movie?" The former wonders.

"Yes, of course."

They press play and it's nearing the end of the film. Charlie lies against his boyfriend, now fully enjoying the moment, without a care in the world. Every now and then, he'll be staring at Nick and all the freckles on his face, thinking the world of him when he's not looking.

Oh, does Charlie love him.