Jasper isn't sure how or even why it starts.
All he knows is that one moment he is listening to the teacher talking about painfully wrong details about the civil war and the next thing he knows his breathing becomes stuck at the back of his throat. The air feels too thin and not quite enough. Chest too tight. Panic attack.
He tries and fails to get himself back under control. Fingers curling into fists on the table as he bites down on his tongue. He tries counting but it does nothing but make it worse and he doesn't know if it's because he is counting too fast or too slow it doesn't work . He bows his head as the light pierces his retina blurring his vision. Jaw tight as he keeps on fighting to keep his breathing levelled.
But he can't.
The emotions around him along with the scent of blood makes another blanket of thin air drop upon him like an uncomfortable pressure.
And before he can't stop it he is bolting out of the classroom and ignoring the teacher's calls.
He doesn't focus on where he is going all he knows is that running is his safest bet. Even if it's making breathing harder and harder and harder until it feels as if his chest is buzzing. But he can't stop running.
Not when it feels like doing so will bring death upon him.
But he can't breathe.
The emotions blare all over the place making the air thinner and thinner until there's nothing for him to grab into. It's bitter. Hot. Spicy. Warm. Cold. Dark. Bright. Red. Blue. Green. Brown. Boredom. Lust. Sadness. Frustration. Annoyance. Envy. Anger. Excitement. Impatience. Disgust. Mockery. Arrogance. Pain. Irritation. Love. Happiness. Sorrow. Worry. Curiosity. Thrilled. Satisfied. Confident. Determined. Confused. Jealousy. Indifference. Shame. Despair. Anxious. Panic. Stressed. Exasperated. Overwhelmed.
It's making his head explode and his skin burn. It sticks to him like a second skin and pierces right past his insides and brands into his bones. Weighing him down and down and down. Crushing his chest until he is gasping and the world is spinning. He leans against a wall for support but ends up dropping on his knees and grabbing his chest. He isn't sure where he ended nor does he care for right now he is suffocating. And he knows he should breathe. But he can't.
He's taking big gulps of air but it's not enough. Not enough enough enough he is gonna die die suffocate. A hand touches him and even past his messed up state a growl tears out. Warning. The hand doesn't come back. Instead. Someone kneels close. Too close. The glorious scent of blood for once doing nothing at all. He growls on reflex.
And then there's Bella. She's talking but he can't focus on her words for dear life. The hands come back and this time he tries to not lash. It's a human. Human. Humans can't harm him. Human.
She makes him lay flat on the ground, arms crossed over his chest, he resists the urge to pierce his skin with his claws. Jaw tense. And he still can't breathe.
-Hey, Jasper, hey. You are alright, you are alright. You are having a panic attack but it will pass. I promise. You need to breathe now. Take deep breaths.- Bella makes an exaggerated show of taking deep breaths herself. Her emotions calm. Calm .
He tries to mimic the rhythm of her heartbeat. The way her lungs fill with air ever so slowly before releasing it and starting all over again. Calm . Just like her emotions. Her heartbeat. Her body language. Calm .
-That's it, just breathe with me, you're okay, you are okay, can you please tell me at least three things you can feel or see around you?- Her voice is soothing, calm.
-Yer heartbeat... s' calm.
-Good, good, what else?- Bella encouraged.
-There's gonna be apple sauce for lunch.
-That's... good, you are doing good, what else? Just one more.
-There's grass beneath me.- He breathed out finally.
He was focused.
At least.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bella had been on her way back to her classroom when she caught sight of Jasper disappearing out of the door. And while ignoring it would be wise for it wouldn't be the first time one of the Cullen's skipped school her gut had told her to follow.
And truth to her gut she had found him behind the school gasping for air. She had seen enough panic attacks in her life to recognize one when she saw one.
Thus she hadn't hesitated to help him. Regardless of his growling she hadn't let that deter her. She managed to get him on the ground and from there all she had to do was speak to him rather than ask anything. She kept herself calm knowing that panicking was never a good helper and with an empath it would be twice as bad. She could end up making him worse rather than help.
Turns out asking a vampire about the three things around them for grounding led to rather peculiar answers.
But he did calm down at the end.
-Are you alright?- She asked, it could be her imagination but he looked like he was in pain. A short nod was her answer though he made no attempts to get up.- Do you want me to get someone?
No answer.
He laid there for a while in absolute silence and while Bella may not be particularly close to him that didn't mean she was gonna leave him here all alone.
Thus she sat there with him.
To be honest she never expected vampires to be capable of having panic attacks let alone him . But thinking better of it it shouldn't surprise her. Edward did said Jasper's gift could overwhelm him sometimes. She couldn't imagine how horrible it had to be to feel all the emotions around her. How even horrible it had to be in a school. So many people. So many emotions.
Or it could have been because of something else. Who knew. She didn't knew much about him. He liked to avoid her a lot. The twins were still impossible to interact with. She knew they weren't actually twins nor even biologically related, regardless of the similarities, but she liked to refer to them as that. The twins.
She had asked Edward about it once. Why twins? Turns out Rosalie had been the one to come up with that after Jasper's real last name got them in trouble and forced them to move without warning. He had refused to tell her his last name though.
Plus. As twins it made it easier for Carlisle and Esme to explain the reason behind "adopting" five teenagers. And Jasper and Rosalie coming out as biological siblings with the same last name detached them from Emmett and Alice and made it easier for people to not make drama out of them dating each other.
And while Bella found it hard to believe turns out Jasper and Rosalie held quite the strong bond which Edward said he still found weird. Mainly because Rosalie had been one to really not bother hiding her hatred for Jasper when he first arrived. She had wanted him gone and wouldn't hesitate speaking against him if that meant getting him to leave.
But after some stuff their relationship had developed greatly.
Bella could understand Rosalie not wanting her around since she was human and she deemed her dangerous. Plus. She also saw Bella as having no consideration for her human life.
But Jasper?
Hadn't he been a vampire already? And how could anyone hate him for that matter? She may not be close to him but she could tell he was a really good natured person. Plus Alice . Alice was too good to be with someone bad. Yeah, he looked intimidating and a bit frightening at times but that wasn't reason to develop negative emotions towards him.
-Rosalie.
Jasper's sudden voice pulled Bella back to the real world.
-Sorry?
-Can you get Rosalie, please? She's takin' physics right now.- Bella frowned, she would have expected him to ask for Alice.
Still .
-Sure.- She was quick to get up and while she didn't found comforting having to seek Rosalie this was for Jasper. She was quick to skip through the corridors and get to the classroom Jasper had told her. She knocked on the door and awaited for the teacher's presence.
-Mrs. Swan?- Was the teacher's form of greeting.
-I'm sorry to interrupt sir, but would it be possible for me to borrow Rosalie? Her brother isn't feeling well and he asked me to please get her.- She put up her best pleading voice.
-Of course.
One moment later Rosalie was out and for once she wasn't glaring at her.
-Where is he?- Of course she had heard her.
-Behind the school.- Bella knew that taking Rosalie there wasn't necessary for she probably knew the way there better than Bella herself but she was worried over Jasper and she wanted to make sure he was okay.
When they got there he had already sat up and was leaning against the wall though he was still looking worse for wear.
Rosalie was kneeling at his side in a flash.
-You can go now. I got him.- Rosalie told glaring at her over her shoulder. Though her glare didn't seem as intense as it would usually do. Bella wanted to protest but she still did as told.- And Bella?
-Yes?- She turned to look at Rosalie but this one didn't look at her this time.
-Thank you for helping my brother.
Bella felt rather shocked at those words but still. She couldn't help but smile.
-No problem.
~~~~~~~~~~
Rosalie had smelt Bella before this one even knocked which had confused her greatly, as far as she knew she was suppose to be taking classes on the other side of the school.
Then the knock.
What the hell did she want?
Hearing that her brother wasn't feeling well left a few things up but it hadn't taken her long to realize which brother was. Jasper . He was the only one who would usually "not feel well" at school. Either because of his gift, a panic attack, flashbacks or even his thirst.
But why her? He usually asked for Alice.
And how did Bella even come across him when they didn't take one single class together?
Still .
None of that mattered. Seeing him sitting there on the ground while leaning against the wall told her that at least the worst had passed. And it irked at her to know Bella had to do with it. It irritated her beyond reason the idea of her interacting with a personal situation regarding her family.
She had no right to know so much about her family.
But she couldn't deny either that she had helped Jasper, as much as irritated her.
Thus she thanked her.
And once she was gone she returned her attention to Jasper.
-What happened?- Rosalie questioned as she sat at his side. Letting him lean against her, his head dropping on her shoulder.
-Panic attack, I don't know why, I was perfectly fine and then I wasn't.
-Yeah, that's how they work sometimes.- Rosalie told as a statement of fact as she stretched her legs infront of her. One of her feet bumping one of his. They stayed in silence for a while.
-'m sorry for takin' you out of your classroom, I would've asked for Alice but she said she had an important test today and I didn't wanna bother her.- Jasper muttered. Rosalie snorted.
-You speak as if we haven't taken the same classes over a hundred times already. How come she didn't see this happening?
Jasper shrugged. Alice and Jasper had at some point realized that maybe, just maybe, her gift didn't work effectively on him due him being a black blood.
-Why was Bella with you?- Rosalie questioned after a moment. As far as she knew Jasper didn't interact much with the human.
-I don't know. She was there out of nowhere. Gotta give her credit, she's the first human I meet who doesn't run away when a vampire growls at her, I think Edward may be right there. She has no sense of self preservation whatsoever.
-So what? You like her now? Last I checked you were pretty eager on killing her.- Rosalie couldn't help but remind him, he had been the one to voice out a thought she hadn't dared to speak when Edward first went and saved Bella from getting ran over, as if he couldn't push her out of the way to make it look less supernatural.
-I'm still debatin' if she's dangerous or not. Alice's sure she won't put us in danger but I've never been one to trust her visions a 100%. They aren't precise but possible paths of how things may turn out, one single decision could change the future completely and therefore her vision. If Bella did turned out to be dangerous... well, she wouldn't be the first person I've ever had to kill for posin' a threat.
Nor would she be the last.
And still.
He kind of felt bad about the idea of killing her now after she helped him. She could have ignored him.
But she didn't.
-Do you want me to call Esme?- Rosalie asked after a while. He rarely wanted to stay whenever something happened, and frankly? Rosalie couldn't blame him, the last thing she wanted to do when she was the one in his position was to be around a bunch of humans who couldn't stop paying attention to them.
-That would be nice.
-Alright then, get up.- Rosalie said. Jasper made a face but still got up, offering his hands for Rosalie to take, she rolled her eyes but still took them, letting him pull her up.
~~~~~~~~
Esme wasn't stranger to receiving phone calls from school to come pick one of her kids up. But she hadn't had one of those calls since coming to Forks.
This time it had been Jasper.
The principal had told her that he wasn't feeling well and that he did look like he was coming down with something. And since there was no other detail Esme had went with either panic attack or his gift overwhelming him.
Turns out it was her first guess. He looked tired and were he human Esme would dare say he was craving nothing but sleeping for the rest of the day. She had thanked the principal and assured her that her husband would take a look at him once he returned home from work.
He had told her Bella had helped him. She had appeared out of nowhere and helped him calm down. She then had gotten Rosalie for him as requested.
Now here she had him, laying his head on her lap, he had gone upstairs but not even a while after he had come back downstairs to lay down on the couch where she sat at, head resting on her lap.
And if she didn't knew better she would say he was sleeping. His features looked so relaxed, he looked like the 19 year old he was and would forever be.
She traced the scars on his jaw, it amazed her how far he had come. Even if he was still tormented by the shadows of his past at least he had improved greatly, he wasn't as withdrawn nor as jumpy as he used to be, his tolerance for physical contact and being around other vampires had also improved quite well.
And while what had happened to him had at the end led him to them she sometimes wondered how it would have been like to get to raise him since the moment he was turned. She could see him having turned out similar to Emmett.
She wonders what would have happened if Carlisle had decided to agree to Emmett's request of moving to Texas instead of Forks in 1936. When Jasper was still there under the claws of that woman. Would their meeting had come earlier? And even if it had come earlier, would they had been able to do anything for him at all?
Something told her that no. That if Alice hadn't been the one bringing him there would have been no way for him to trust coming with them. Alice was the only reason he even came to them, he would do anything and everything for her even if he didn't want to.
That was something Esme didn't approve of sometimes. The way he would easily bend to her will, Esme was pretty sure that if Alice were to ask him to rip his own arm off he would do it without thinking it twice.
But she also noticed how it was up to Alice to put the limits between them at times. Berate him. Push him to do things he wouldn't do if that meant not leaving her side. At least that was also something that he had gotten better at with time.
And while a lot of people liked to paint Alice as manipulative and even abusive as she had overheard in the past from ongoing rumors it couldn't be far from the truth. Jasper was the only one who could choose to wear whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, could use anything he wanted for as long as he wanted.
Esme could understand the reason behind the freedom Alice gave him with his clothes and appearance in general. For what her daughter once implied Maria had never given him a choice. It was whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. She had made him wear the same clothes he was turned in for years . Worn out or torn she would make him wear them.
And she had also stolen his jacket.
That woman had been great at taking everything from him and manipulating him to her will. Alice wanted to give him the freedom to choose. If he wanted to keep the same blue shirt for years then so be it. If he wanted to wear cowboy boots with jeans then so be it.
Esme had to admit she found rather amusing to watch Alice looking like she was at the verge of exploding but still giving Jasper thumbs up whenever she saw him wearing something particularly off the charts.
Like that time he decided to wear the top part of a suit with torn jeans, cowboy boots and an obnoxiously bright green tie with equally bright near fluorescent pink stripes.
Turns out it had been Emmett's idea to see how far Alice would be willing to let him go.
And turns out Alice did let him go like that to school.
Not that that had ended well for they ended up having to move after Alice and Jasper decided to pull up an Emmett and Rosalie by being caught in the janitor's closet in indecent activities.
That wouldn't have been a problem.
If the teacher that caught them hadn't seen Jasper's bareback. The bite marks may had been invisible to the human eye but the scars of a gunshot and shrapnel certainly weren't.
And explaining to someone why is an apparent 19 year old wielding such scars wasn't gonna end well.
Thus moving had been the best option.
It had disturbed Esme to find out that the gunshot he had gotten it when he was still new, 17 . If the idea at all of him getting shot was horrible, the idea of a 17 year old version of him getting shot was even more awful.
She couldn't imagine the pain he must have went through. The fear. The loneliness. Had he regretted leaving his home?
Still .
As she had said before. It was because of all he went through that he ended up with them. In a home where he was deeply loved and cared for.
She smiled down at him as she felt him shift. It could have never occurred to her that that skittish near feral boy who arrived years ago would have ended up becoming her clingiest son. She bent down and pressed a soft kiss on his temple before going back to combing her fingers through his hair.
She knew for past experiences that he would stay like this until Alice came back, then he would let her drag him upstairs and they would stay in their room for the rest of the day.
She was just glad Bella had been there to help him calm down. Because while for a vampire it would be impossible to pass out due lack of breath and he may had ended up calming down on his own it would have taken longer and he would have been in distress for God knows how long.
That was one of the reasons part of her hated having to send them to school. Jasper and Rosalie were prompt to becoming distressed either at random intervals or because of some trigger and while most of the time they managed to get themselves away from the humans that didn't mean she liked the idea of them becoming upset somewhere where she couldn't be there for them.
Or that time Alice's visions had become too much and she had locked herself in the bathroom. Jasper had ended up breaking one of the teachers' arm after this one kept banging on the door which in return had done nothing but agitate Alice even more.
He had then proceeded to lock himself in the bathroom with her and it had taken over an hour to convince him to unlock the door. All the growling and hissing along with the broken arm and Alice's "meltdown" had led them to moving.
Carlisle had wanted to ground him for what he had done to the teacher but Esme had managed to talk him out of it. It hadn't been Jasper's fault. It had been a natural reaction. He had reacted to the distress of his mate and attacked the one who was making it worse. They had had luck he hadn't done worse or that the alter hadn't decided to make an apparition.
Because Esme knew that if the alter had been there he wouldn't had hesitated to kill that teacher infront of the entire school.
And that wouldn't have ended well for anyone.