Jasper had never been one to hate what he was. He accepted what he had become for fighting wouldn't help at all.
Still.
There was a first for all.
And right now he sure as Hell was hating what he was with a strength he never felt before. Because if he wasn't a black blood none of this would be happening.
Or maybe it wasn't because he was a black blood.
Maybe it was him the one who was weak.
And because of his weakness everyone was upset.
He had left the house not being able to stand the suffocating atmosphere. Esme was sad. Carlisle was sad. Edward was God knows where. Rosalie was irritated. Emmett was attempting and failing at cheering the rest up. And Alice.
His sweet beautiful Alice was in such constant pain and depression that did nothing but get worse whenever a message from Bella arrived in her mail.
He did this.
He's the one to blame for what is happening. Not Alice. Not Edward. Him . It was his fault. If he wasn't so fucking weak. He was the reason Bella was also now in pain. He was the reason everyone was in so much pain.
'All you do is ruin everything around you.'
Maria's words echoed in his mind and he curled his fingers into fists. It was his fault. All of it. His fault.
He wasn't sure for how long he sat in that log in the middle of the forest with Maria's words blaring over and over again around his head, all he knew is that the longer he heard them the more he grew aware of how truth they were.
'Once a monster always a monster. Doesn't matter how much you tame it at the end it will bite the hand that feeds it.'
Monster.
Inconsiderate.
Beast.
That's what he was wasn't he?
He was an inconsiderated beast is what he was.
He hurt the same people he so claimed to love. Same people he was meant to protect and never cause pain to.
It was his fault Alice was in so much pain. His fault Edward had left. His fault Bella was suffering. His fault Esme cried at night. His fault his fault his fault.it was all his fault. He was weak. Incosiderated. Selfish. Weakweakweakweakweak.
He flinched as Bella's face flashed in his head. The suffocating guilt as he was taken away, Edward's crushing pain. He did that.
Her pain. Their pain.
He did that.
He brought such immeasurable pain to this family.
To Alice.
He could feel it sticking to his skin as if it were his own. Good . He deserved pain. All the pain in the world for breaking this family.
He destroyed them.
Because he was weak.
So so weak.
A monster.
A beast.
An incosiderated.
He was the weak link.
'You damned bastard!'
He was weak. Weak. ̶U̶̶s̶̶e̶̶l̶̶e̶̶s̶̶s̶̶ .̶
'Jasper's our newest vegetarian, you will have to forgive him.'
Weak. ̶B̶̶r̶̶o̶̶k̶̶e̶̶n̶̶ .̶ Inconsiderated. Hassle.
'The one that looks like he's in pain.'
Inhumane. Problematic .
'He can't control himself.'
Weak. Weak. Weak .
'He knows he can't control himself no matter how hard he tries.'
Pathetic. Useless. ̶W̶̶e̶̶a̶̶k̶̶ .̶
'Next thing you know he will be tearing your entire coven to pieces, all you have worked so hard for, destroyed.'
Uncontrollable .
'It's not in his nature to have control. He's weak and he will always be.'
Jasper found himself digging his claws into his forearms until all he could feel was the pain drowning back the reeling thoughts that threatened to tear his entire being apart. And even so, he deserved this pain. He deserved this and so much more.
Because he broke them. Hurt them. Tore them all apart as Maria had foretold.
All because he was weak. Uncontrollable. He should have never come here. Should have never taken Alice's hand in that diner.
He did so much damage.
He failed over and over again to be better.
All he did was make things worse for everyone around him.
And was it even worth it?
He would never be better. Would never be as good as them nor even able to stand the scent of blood. Because as Maria had said control wasn't in his nature.
He would keep making them have to move. Keep killing humans. Keep slipping. Keep failing. Failing. Forcing them to change their lives because of his weakness.
He should have never spoke to Alice. Should have grabbed the wood he was looking for and left that damn diner without looking back.
If he had done that none of this pain would be existing. Alice wouldn't be sad. Carlisle wouldn't be sad. Esme wouldn't be crying. Edward wouldn't be hiding God knows where. Emmett wouldn't be forcing himself to cheer everyone around him when he was also so sad.
Nothing would have ever gone wrong.
What had he been thinking? Living with them? He didn't belong in this life and no matter how much he tried to he would never fit among them.
He wasn't meant to fit anywhere.
Monsters like him weren't created to fit but to destroy.
And he destroyed everyone he ever loved.
Alice .
He deserved the pain she was feeling and so much more.
And in a surge of anger he dove down and sank his fangs into his arm. Breaking skin and tearing muscles.
He deserved this.
It was his fault everyone was so sad and in pain.
Maria warned him.
The Major warned him.
He was warned, but he didn't listen
And now he had broke them. Her .
Now his pixie was in horrible pain. Sorrow. Depression. Guilt.
Because of him.
He bit harder until the acid taste of his blood coated his mouth. Until the stench filled the air and he felt his arm throbbing. Blood dripping on the ground as angry hot tears prickled at his eyes.
He deserved this.
He tightened the bite even harder as a sob stuck at the back of his throat. He forced himself to remember Edward's pain. Esme's sorrow. Carlisle's sorrow. Emmett's sadness. Alice's pain. Their grief. Sorrow. Guilt. Sadness. Pain. Their faces. The pain Bella must be in.
A pain he brought.
He choked into a sob as the tears rolled down his cheeks.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
His blood dripped on the ground. More. Heavier. He needed to bleed more. He deserved it for what he did. If Edward and Carlisle refused to punish him he would do it for them. He deserved pain. A pain greater than theirs merged together.
And when that part grew numb he bit down again. And again. And again. He bit with the same force of the heat in his chest. The burning knot stuck at the back of his throat. He bit and bit and bit and injected venom. Tearing skin and twisting the bites.
He didn't stop until there was nothing left but a throbbing carnage of black blood and glimmering silver. He curled into himself and gripped his hair as sobs wrecked through his body.
Because not even biting could sooth the pain in his chest. It was useless. Useless .
He wasn't sure for how long he sat there sobbing his soul out but when the tears stopped coming he was left with nothing but an even worse feeling of emptiness.
He couldn't stay here.
Not after the damage he caused.
He looked up at the sky.
-I'm sorry Alice, but it seems like I'll also end up disappearin' for a while. I hope you understand.
He wasn't sure if she would see him or not but speaking to her while making an absolute choice sometimes worked on sending her a message he wanted.
It wasn't fair to leave her alone after what he brought to her.
But staying wouldn't help either.
Leaving was what he ̶w̶̶a̶̶n̶̶t̶̶e̶̶d̶ needed right now.
Thus he stood up and left.
Like the coward he was.
~~~~~~~~~
"I'm sorry Alice, but it seems like I'll also end up disappearin' for a while. I hope you understand."
Jasper was sitting on a log as he spoke, his sleeves torn and black blood dripping on the ground from the carnage that were his arms. His mouth and neck also stained in black. He stood up from the log and ran off.
Alice came back from the vision with a gasp. Her hand coming up to grip her chest. How didn't she see this? She should have known. Should have noticed that Jasper was also struggling with what had happened.
Of course he would be blaming himself. That's what he was good at. Blaming himself for things he had no control over. He had hurt himself. And for the looks of it it had been worse than any of the other times he had ever done it.
And while she didn't want him to go and wanted nothing more but to go after him she also knew she couldn't. If he wanted some space she would give it to him. He did said for a while. He would come back.
But she didn't want him to be gone. It was bad enough that Edward had left. Now Jasper? Who was next?
No.
She couldn't allow this to go on.
It was time to put an end to this madness.
And then she had a vision from Bella.
Jumping off a cliff.