Chapter 11: Home Sweet Home

"You know I'm a dreamer

But my heart's of gold

I had to run away high

So I wouldn't come home low"

Friday. January 10th, 1986.

POV: Winter Reid

The beat up van cruises noisily as we drive away from the trailer park. Trees line both sides of the road, making me feel boxed in. I'm thankful for the music taking up all the space in the van so Eddie doesn't have an opportunity to speak to me. I'm embarrassed over my outburst with the hose. I don't tend to lash out like that, but he did deserve it. I just wanted everything to go smoothly. I have a hard enough time as it is managing my own anxiety. I don't do well with other things piled on.

I often feel as if I'm always carrying a load of boxes. Boxes full of anxiety. Everyday I walk around, arms in front of me, piled with boxes labeled childhood trauma, body insecurities, what happens after we die? Normal stuff, normal anxieties we all carry around, right?

They are stacked precariously, and I have to walk slowly and concentrate just to keep it all from spilling onto the floor. I manage this balancing act pretty well most days, but I'm never able to run with my arms full. I can never set them down outside of the classroom so I can focus on the pop quiz or conveniently forget the boxes at home so I can go to the school dance worry free. I always carry my boxes.

Same shit, different day.

Sometimes, other boxes decide to join the tower. Sometimes, they fit neatly on my other boxes, oh no, I forgot to shave my legs, and now some girl is going to point out my stubble in gym class fits nicely on top of body insecurities. But, sometimes, the boxes are shaped more like bowling balls, round and heavy. I have to stop what I'm doing and just sit until the bowling ball goes away because I can't possibly do anything else without it teetering off and causing a scene.

The boxes can get smaller, maybe one day I'll be able to fit them in my pocket, but usually their burden is pronounced and unmistakable.

Tonight, I successfully stacked my boxes. I put myself together the best way I know how, I got myself up and out of my bedroom, and I thought I had it all under control. Then things started spilling out. I thought about my dad and that awful day when he died. I thought about my poor mom, how she used to be a cheerleader, too, and where she ended up. And then I saw Eddie.

I saw Eddie doing what he wanted, per usual. I saw Eddie not caring about a schedule or responsibilities, per usual. But then I saw him pity me, pity my enthusiasm, not so usual. I guess he's used to me just being there, with my boxes and my routine, but tonight is different. I got frustrated with him, properly angry with him, for the first time in a while, and now the silence between us is tense and heavy in the car.

Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe the people in my life are too used to who I am; maybe I shouldn't rock the boat.

Cherry Bomb by the Runaways begins to play over the radio.

The song shakes me from my thoughts. I turn my head away from the window and look towards the music, as if I can see the band singing the words at me. Eddie glances over at my movement.

I listen to the lyrics carefully: Bad nights causing teenage blues / Get down ladies, you've got nothin' to lose.

I feel a sudden shift in my brain. Tonight, no one will know who I am. Not like before, no, when they didn't even see me. They'll see me, and watch me, and maybe even envy me. But no one really knows me. That feels exciting to me. I don't have to be the same girl my mom and Eddie know so well, the girl from Forest Hills Trailer Park. Maybe I can't set down the boxes, but I can certainly relabel them.

Fuck it.

Yeah, fuck it. Fuck all of it, honestly.

I'm too worried about the opinions of people who don't even know me. I am in control of the way I am perceived. I don't have to be the girl with the weight of all of her trauma tonight. Who wants that? They just want a good show. I can give them that.

I smile softly to myself. The trees fade away as Eddie drives into downtown Hawkins. I sit upright and grab my duffle from the floorboard in anticipation as we near the school. I feel the van slow down.

Eddie intentionally stalls at a green light and waits for it to turn yellow, and finally red. I turn my head toward him slowly. Annoyance begins to grow. He stares straight ahead. I look around and notice there aren't any other cars at the intersection.

"You could just run it, y'know?" I say, my voice shattering the silence.

"That would be breaking the law," Eddie says flatly.

"That's never stopped you before. Plus, I'm on a schedule."

He laughs hollowly and shakes his head, taking his arms off of the wheel and stretching as if he has all of the time in the world to wait.

Why is he being so stubborn? He is seriously... pouting? Because I got mad at him earlier?

I try to take one of my deep breaths and calm my irritation. It's not working.

I lean forward and look up at the traffic light through the windshield. My fingers begin to drum an impatient rhythm on the dash.

Finally, the light switches and Eddie moves the car, painfully slow, through the intersection.

"You're acting like a child," I finally snap, turning my body in my seat so I am facing him.

He shrugs and raises his palms nonchalantly, as if to say I am? I have no idea what you mean.

"What could you possibly be mad at me for?" My voice is rising in volume.

The fuck it attitude I settled on earlier helped me let go of my anxiety, and it has apparently also released my anger. I've never felt so in control of my emotions before. I am not sure where this sudden need to fight comes from, but it's too late to stop this train.

Eddie shakes his head, rubbing his fingers across his mouth as if he's trying to keep words from spilling out.

I can't help but push on. I set elbows on the center console and lean closer to him.

"No, please, Eddie. Enlighten me. What did I do? I told you this morning about tonight. And I told you plenty of other times too! All I needed was one stupid ride and you're acting as if I asked you for your left kidney! I am so sorry to inconvenience you. I know that really, you'd much rather be with Patti right now-"

"Okay, that's not it." Eddie says loudly, cutting me off.

"Hey! It's my bad, really, I forgot I needed to schedule my life around your ever revolving door of hobbies." I feel as if I'm slowly dropping heavy weights that had been set on my shoulders. I know I'm being a bitch, but I can't help myself.

"That's uncalled for," Eddie shoots back, scoffing and gripping the steering wheel tightly.

"Then why are you intentionally trying to ruin this for me?" I yell at him finally.

I throw myself back in the passenger seat and let out a loud huff. My heart beats madly in my chest and my jaw tightens uncomfortably.

The van finally turns into the parking lot outside the Hawkins High gymnasium. Clusters of families walk from their sedans. Teenagers push and pull each other, half-jogging toward the open doors and laughing wildly. I feel my stomach flip with renewed anxiety. I don't even realize that Eddie has pulled into a parking space and shut off the engine, my eyes are fixed on the two open doors that lead to the basketball court. A bright fluorescence flows out, beckoning me to walk inside. I suddenly don't want to anymore.

"Winter..." I hear Eddie say softly next to me.

I realize I don't want to be inside of this van any longer, either.

I quickly pull down the visor and look in the mirror. I check my face, turning left to right. My blue eyeshadow still sits perfectly painted on my eyelids, my cheeks look flushed but youthful, and my ponytail is still smooth and perky.

"It's fine, Eddie," I say softly, suddenly having no more energy for him.

I push the visor back up and open the door, hopping out with a thud. I put my duffle bag on my shoulder and reach for my pom-poms. I slam the door shut behind me and turn towards the gym.

Eddie's door opens and closes. I start walking.

"Winter... Winter! Slow down, please." Eddie calls from behind me.

"Don't worry about it, Eddie. Thank you for driving me," I say flatly. I can't deal with this anymore. We need to let it go.

"Winnie, c'mon."

Eddie is still shuffling behind me, I'm surprised he's even allowing himself to get this close to an organized American sports game.

I released my emotions in the car during a moment of unbridled honesty fueled by The Runaways, but now I regret it.

Eddie is... Eddie. He's dramatic, chaotic, and not good with time management. He's careless. And his carelessness has never been a problem before because I usually roll along behind him, just trying to swim through the waves and ripples he creates.

I guess I just thought that tonight he would put this first, put me first.

Tonight is important to me, but our friendship is more important. I'm sure if I continue to cheer and once he starts the Hellfire campaign in the drama room at school that we'll be back on the same page.

"Eddie, really. It's fine!" I cast my head back at him and offer a small smile.

I turn and keep marching toward the gym.

"I'm a dick!" He yells loudly.

I stop suddenly and breathe in deeply. I turn around to face him. We're almost at the doors and I can hear the excited crowd murmuring inside. People dressed in windbreakers and winter scarves move around us, entering the lit up gymnasium. I see a group of basketball boys leaning outside against the brick wall, sneakily passing a cigarette back and forth. I look at them with soft approval, maybe they aren't all stiffs.

One boy in particular notices me and gives me a warm smile. I knit my eyebrows together and slowly look back at Eddie, who clocked the boy's notice of me as well.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," I say finally.

"Don't be. I deserved it," Eddie says, looking down at his shoes.

"No, you didn't. I'm just... stressed."

That's not entirely true, I am pissed at him for good reason but I need to switch over now to survive tonight. We need to squash this so I can go inside and transform into someone else.

He nods, not buying my excuse but I know he can feel me pulling away.

"You sure you're -" He hesitates and looks around. "Prepared for all of this?" His hand waves at the crowds of people, the cackling teens, and the roars of chatter coming from inside.

"Sure. How hard can it be?" I shrug dismissively.

"Okay. Do you want me to stay, hang out, and give you a ride home?" Eddie asks cautiously.

"It's bad enough one of the freaks is here, right? I can't make you stay too. What would happen to our street cred?" I give him a small smile, trying to break the tension once and for all.

"Right, sure." He offers me a gentle smile. I nod at him and turn to walk inside. I feel a gentle hand land on my elbow.

"You look great, really." Eddie says, his eyes stare into mine sincerely.

"...Badass," he adds finally, causing me to laugh out loud. His face breaks out into a wide grin.

I look down at my cheer outfit and then back up at him.

"I'm literally wearing a uniform. Individualism is explicitly not encouraged."

"Yeah, but, you're still you," he says.

I'm suddenly touched by these small words. I still need to split from myself, at least for tonight. I don't want to be Winter. I just want to be a part of the crowd, but Eddie's words tug at my heart, they make me believe there is a version of me to be found here. That, wherever I go, there I am. Still holding my boxes of anxiety, but also good things too.

"Knock 'em dead, kid." Eddie finally says, snapping me away from my thoughts.

I take a deep breath in and bounce a little on my toes, beginning to feel the rising anxiety again. Oh, it's not anxiety I'm feeling. It's excitement. That's new.

I look down to the pom-poms in my hand and shake them lightly.

"Badass..." I whisper to myself and Eddie grins at me.

"Alright, go home, now. You've been around the normies for too long. I think your hair is starting to shrink," I say.

I'm ready to start the show. Eddie sets a hand against his chest and backs up a couple of steps.

He hesitates, so I add, "There is a payphone over there if I need to call you or 911? Okay?"

"You'd call me before the cops, right?" Eddie asks.

I give him an enthusiastic nod. "Always."

A huge smile stretches across his face and he begins to walk backwards.

"I leave you with the dark side, young Padawan," he shouts, raising one hand.

I giggle and shoo him away with my pom-poms.

I walk forward and stare at the open doors. I can see the other cheerleaders inside, huddled together.

"Fuck it," I say loudly.

Oops, that was meant to be inside of my head. I hear a chuckle to the left of me and snap my neck over. The boy with the warm smile leaning against the brick clearly heard me and gives me an approving nod.

I feel slightly embarrassed and quickly move inside. The bright overhead lights bathe me instantly as the sounds collide with my eardrums.

You're going to be okay.

I look around nervously, like a deer in an exposed meadow scanning for a camouflaged hunter.

I play the song from Eddie's van in my head again.

Hello, daddy. Hello, mom.

I feel my spine straighten.

Hello world I'm your wild girl.

It's all a performance. My chin tilts upwards.

Ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!

I march forward, trying to mimic Emma Smith's confident stride. My cheer skirt swishes around my hips and I feel my shoulders relax.

Ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!

Yeah, I'm ready. Fuck it.

Author's Note:

links for this chapter:

watch?v=_EBvXpjudf8

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