Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games.
Hi! This is my first story under my new username. I used to go by QueenOfFunerals37 but I recently had a bit of an identity crisis and felt it didn't represent me anymore so I changed my name. However, I haven't changed any of my plans and I intend to carry on writing angsty Hunger Games stories for as long as I can think of new ideas.
This story comes from an idea I had while writing Panemian Dream (this story is set in the same AU) but I'd been struggling to write this story for several months and I had given up on it for a while. However, thanks to a lovely review from ReadBooksWriteThings and some inspiration from other stories with a similar format, I decided to give it another go. I hope you enjoy this story and you don't find the format too confusing.
Trigger Warning: Trauma, mentions of addiction, upsetting deaths.
00:13
Thirteen candles on the cake. Prim blew them out with a breath she didn't feel was real. How was she still breathing? The birthday felt like borrowed time.
She was supposed to be dead.
She was lucky to make it to thirteen.
XIII.
The hovercraft was on its way to District 13. Freedom. But at a price.
Ramona watched the sunrise over the pines from the window. She knew it would be her last sunrise above ground for a very long time. But she'd made it out.
Now matter what happened, she wouldn't be at the Capitol's mercy anymore.
She was lucky to make it to Thirteen.
00:12
It started at midnight.
Prim's ears rang with crackling flames and screams as District 12 burned. Her mother had a painfully tight grip on her hand. Smoke seared at her eyes and lungs as she ran. She was like a puppet controlled by fear. Her limbs seemed to move of their own accord. The heat burned at her back like a thousand eyes at the reaping.
She was helpless again. District 12 was burning and she felt like it was her fault.
XII.
The girl was too young to be wearing a doctor's uniform. Ramona knew too well that kids weren't allowed to be kids in Panem. She'd come to the hospital to visit Finnick, and here she was, faced with her younger self.
Primrose was reaped when she was twelve. She was saved by a volunteer. That should've been the end of the story but Ramona knew it wasn't. That kind of fear couldn't just be turned off by someone volunteering. It was the kind of fear that lived in shell-shocked twelve-year-old girls going home from their first reaping knowing what it was like to stand on that stage, to believe for a few dreadful moments that they were going into the arena. That kind of fear lingered.
Ramona knew because she'd spent the last twelve years trying to escape that exact fear.
Now she just wanted to help.
XI
On the eleventh day of the Sixty-Eighth Hunger Games, Ramona Hirose found what she'd volunteered for.
She'd spent the last five years wondering if she could've done it, if she was capable of winning the games. Now she was standing over the dead body of her final opponent. She was alone in the wilderness, the queen of her frozen arena.
For a moment, she was finally at peace. She could do it. She was good enough. She was more than that twelve-year-old girl who'd cried on the reaping stage.
Then she remembered there was blood on her hands…
00:11
Blood, slick on Prim's plastic surgical gloves. They had all this fancy equipment in Thirteen that Prim had never used before. She was used to stitching up wounds without a layer of plastic covering her fingertips.
One, Two, Three, Four… Prim counted the stitches in her head as she sewed the man's torn skin together.
Meanwhile, Ramona was cleaning out a wound on the man's leg. She'd spent the last two years studying in medical school and volunteering in rebel hospitals. Prim had never known that, since Ramona had mostly disappeared from the public eye when her husband had died, but she hadn't been surprised when she'd found out. Ramona's father was a doctor.
Maybe that was the path she would've taken if the games hadn't intervened…
Five, Six, Seven, Eight…
Ramona had stitched together the broken pieces of her life. She had a boyfriend and a daughter. She always seemed to be in control of her own destiny. Prim wanted to be like her.
Nine, Ten, Eleven…
X.
"Snow will only trade his hostages for you and Aurora."
Ten words that made Ramona's life a lot harder. President Coin had summoned Ramona to her office specifically to say them.
Ramona knew that Coin would never consider making that trade. Those words were just a reminder: Your daughter is President Snow's great-granddaughter. She is just a piece in the games.
00:10
When the sirens started, Prim found Lumas curled up in a corner, holding Buttercup.
It made sense. As much as Prim adored Buttercup, she'd never understand him like Lumas would. Lumas had grown up on the streets of District 8, surrounded by feral alley-cats. Where Prim saw a beloved pet, Lumas saw a fellow survivor.
Prim also understood why Lumas wasn't going to the bunker, why his survival instincts were screaming at him not to go further underground. She'd seen his games. She'd seen the cave-in…
Somehow, Prim managed to convince Lumas to follow her down the stairs. Somehow, they made it to the bunker in time. Somehow, neither of them tripped.
When she'd made it into the bunker, heart pounding, adrenaline rushing through her veins, she learned that Peeta Mellark had given the rebels a ten minute tip-off. Those ten minutes were the reason why Prim had survived.
Prim had been ten minutes away from death and she'd never felt more alive.
IX.
Coin had summoned nine of District 13's best doctors to discuss how to treat Peeta Mellark. For some reason, Ramona had been invited to the meeting.
Ramona was an expert in poisons and antidotes. She'd studied them for her games. But the tracker-jacker venom wasn't in Peeta Mellark's system anymore. The real damage hadn't been done to his body but to his mind.
Ramona couldn't fix people's minds. She'd tried with Lumas. She'd been trying for the last six years, but still those flashbacks he'd had during the bombing were the worst he'd had in six years.
He'd almost died. If it hadn't been for Prim and Peeta, he would've died.
When the meeting was over, Ramona went back to her compartment and cried.
00:09
There were nine soldiers in Squad 451. Prim counted them all when she said goodbye to Katniss.
They seemed like such a small group of people against the might of the Capitol, too small.
00.08
When Katniss made it to the top eight of the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games, they asked Prim a lot of questions.
"Do you want a pretty dress like Katniss had in her interview?"
"What do you think of your sister's alliance with Rue?"
"Did you know Peeta Mellark before the games?"
"What was it like, growing up without a father?"
"Did Katniss always look after you?"
"Are you grateful that Katniss volunteered for you?"
"Do you think she'll be able to kill anyone?"
"That's a lovely cat. Can I pet it?"
Prim had answered the questions numbly, still overwhelmed. She just missed Katniss. She wanted her sister back. She wished for all seven of the other tributes to drop dead so Katniss could come home.
And when Prim's wishes came true, one by one, death by death, she cried from the guilt.
XVIII.
When the propo showing the bombing of District 8 aired, Ramona tried to comfort Lumas as he cried.
"What am I doing here?" he'd asked. "I should be out there, fighting."
"What if you died?" Ramona asked.
Lumas hadn't been able to answer. He'd just carried on crying. Ramona could see in his eyes that he hated living in District 13, hated being underground, hated not being able to help the rebellion.
But he loved his family more.
Every day, since they'd come to District 13, Ramona had been able to sense the tension in Lumas from him trying to hold himself together. It wasn't for her. Lumas had let Ramona see him at his most vulnerable before.
It was for Aurora. He'd raised her since she was a baby. He was Aurora's father in everything but blood.
For the first time, Ramona saw how much being a father had changed Lumas.
00:07
Prim's father died when she was seven years old. Her mother gave up on life when she was seven years old. She starved when she was seven years old.
Whenever Prim wanted to be stronger, she thought back to when she was a seven-year-old with hunger burning inside her and willed herself to push forward.
VII.
On the seventh day of the Seventy-Second Hunger Games, Binah Katayanagi was tortured to death by Careers.
Lumas took Ramona to his bedroom. It hadn't been a romantic gesture. She'd just needed somewhere private to cry. Ramona's room was probably bugged.
Besides, she couldn't face her jewellery and her dresses and all her things… They were just a reminder of everything she'd lost.
It was probably the eighth day of the Seventy-Second Hunger Games when Ramona told Lumas she loved him and they kissed for the first time, but it still felt like the seventh. Time just stood still when Ramona was in Lumas' room. Her husband was dead, her tribute was dead, she had no responsibilities. All she had was Lumas…
And he was all she'd wanted.
VI.
There were six of them dancing at Finnick and Annie's wedding, six people who'd escaped the arena, one way or another.
Finnick and Annie were twirling at the centre of the floor. They both looked happier than Ramona had ever seen them, despite the scars on Finnick's face and the patch on his eyes, courtesy of Enobaria's teeth.
Katniss and Prim were leading the crowd in a complex dance from District 12 as the fiddler played a lively tune. For once, Prim looked like an actual thirteen-year old and not a girl who'd grown up too fast.
Ramona and Lumas were at the edge of the crowd, swaying gently in time with the music. Lumas had lost one of his legs in his arena and he couldn't really dance. He still looked truly happy, for the first time since he'd moved to District 13.
It could've been because one of his best friends was getting married. Or it could be because of this feeling in the air that Ramona had just picked up on, that the rebels could actually do it.
They could actually win the war.
00:06
Katniss got six demands.
Buttercup.
Hunting.
Peeta's immunity.
Announced in public.
Gale.
I KILL SNOW.
Katniss had only made those six demands because it was Prim's idea, and Prim felt proud of herself for that.
00:05
The baby was five months old when she died in Prim's arms from smoke inhalation. Prim had never felt so helpless in her life. There were no medical supplies, nothing she could do. It all felt so pointless. There were countless other victims of the bombing dying on the stretch of ground that had become a hospital. Countless more whose ashes were smoking in the remains of District 12.
Prim was well aware that she'd lived thirty-one of this baby's lifetimes. Almost thirty-two. She sat down by the lake and stared into the void.
V.
Ramona Hirose killed five people.
Sylvia Pulp, fifteen years old. Too angry to remember to look over her shoulder. Knife in the back, threshold crossed.
Philomena Petherell, seventeen years old. A pampered rich girl with no chance of survival. The girl Ramona could've been, stabbed to death early in the games.
Arethusa Levinn, sixteen years old. Clumsy knots. Frostbitten fingers. Panicked, snow-blind eyes. Bloodied vomit in the snow.
Régine Maurin, eighteen years old. Hazel eyes in the firelight. Two killers against the world. A dying smile as the sun rose and trumpets blared.
Stallie Burton, seventy-five years old. A heavy drinker, something Ramona had forgotten when she'd slipped enough poison into Stallie's drink to destroy her failing liver. She was never meant to die, just get sick enough to be unable to interfere with the rebellion's plans.
In the bunker, in one of those rare moments when Aurora was asleep and Lumas had worn himself out so much from anxiety that he was sleeping as well, Ramona told Prim about all the people she'd killed, how it made her feel powerful and powerless all at once.
Maybe it was the darkness of the bunker or Ramona losing her mind from exhaustion but she swore she could see a glint of curiosity in Prim's eyes.
So she started talking about all the lives she'd saved. That number was higher than five.
00:04
When the fourth bunker missile hit, Lumas and Aurora both started screaming at the same time. Him because he was probably getting a flashback from his underground arena and her because she was a two-year-old waking up to the sound of an explosion only to realise that her dad was also terrified. Prim watched Ramona drag herself out of bed. She looked absolutely exhausted. Suddenly, Prim didn't envy her so much. He life didn't seem so perfect.
Now Prim just wanted to help. She rushed over to Aurora's bunk to comfort her so Ramona could focus on comforting Lumas.
IV.
It was called the Propo of the Four Victors.
It started with Katniss Everdeen, the Mockingjay. She'd been chosen to open the propo, talking about her romance with Peeta Mellark and her hatred for President Snow, because she grabbed people's attention.
The others kept it.
Lumas was next. His hands shook as he spoke about his morphling addiction from the two years after his games, how the Capitol had got him hooked in the Remake Centre in order to shut him up. His ordeal during the bombing had opened up a lot of old wounds. But Lumas wasn't scared anymore. He was angry. He glared through the camera like he could see the faces of all the Capitolites who'd hurt him.
Then it was Finnick's turn. His years of being sold by the Capitol had left him with hundreds or dirty secrets to share. Unlike Lumas, he was perfectly calm and composed, only showing a hint of a smile when he revealed a secret. He seemed so natural in front of the camera. Even losing half of his face to Enobaria's teeth hadn't taken Finnick's confidence from him.
Finally, it was Ramona's turn. She was the main event. She'd known that from the moment Plutarch had proposed the idea.
Out of all the rebel victors in District 13, she'd been closest to President Snow. She'd married his grandson, lived in his city, eaten at his table, given birth to his great-granddaughter…
So Ramona, calmly, without a shred of emotion, gave away every secret she'd learned about Snow from her three years living in the Capitol. Including the fact that her own daughter was related to the tyrant.
She could only hope that nobody would hurt Aurora for it.
00:03
Prim almost screamed with joy when Katniss walked through the door. She'd been told Katniss had survived the Quell but she'd been so worried. She rushed over to embrace her sister, sobbing with relief.
Their mother joined the hug. They stayed like that for ages, three Everdeen women, three survivors.
Prim didn't ask about the arena.
Katniss didn't ask about the bombing.
III.
The night after the rebels took control of District 3, Ramona and Lumas lay in bed together and talked about what they were going to do in the future.
It made her realise she finally had a future. She'd be able to live with Lumas and Aurora. They could be a real family. They could live in any district they chose.
Lumas talked about his dream of opening a vegetarian restaurant. Ramona wondered what her dream was.
I could be a doctor. I could help people.
I could be the Health Secretary. I could help more people.
I could be the President of Panem. I could help everyone.
II.
Ramona had missed the first two years of her daughter's life. She'd sent Aurora to District 8. It was the only way to protect her from Snow.
Ramona wasn't with Lumas when the sirens went off, she was at the hospital. She didn't go looking for him. She left him to die. She went to the bunker because she knew Aurora had been at crèche and whoever was in charge had probably already taken her to safety.
Ramona just didn't want to leave her daughter alone during a bombing. It was bad enough that she'd missed those two years, bad enough that she spent her days working at the hospital rather than spending time with Aurora. She wasn't going to abandon Aurora now.
Did that make her evil? Did that mean she didn't love Lumas enough? She'd spend the rest of her life wondering.
Lumas forgave Ramona, told her it was something most parents would do, but she never forgave herself.
00:02
When Prim watched her sister go to District 2 and get shot on live television, all she could think about was how she should've been there to protect Katniss.
She was sick of being the little girl sitting on the sidelines as her big sister fought in the Hunger Games. She refused to be the little girl who sat on the sidelines as her big sister fought in the war.
Ramona had told her in the bunker about how her parents had opened up a secret hospital for rebels in District 3. She'd helped out there whenever she could. Apparently, saving lives had made her feel far more powerful than killing people.
Prim had never killed anyone. She couldn't really use it for a comparison. But saving lives did make Prim feel powerful. She wanted to feel powerful.
She needed to save more lives.
I.
"I'm joining the army," Prim said. "I'm going to be a field medic."
That was the one decision Ramona had been hoping Prim wouldn't make.
Ramona knew what Prim wanted. To feel powerful. To feel capable. To feel like more than that twelve-year-old girl who'd cried on the reaping stage. But she also knew how dangerous charging into the belly of the beast was. Prim was going into a warzone, where she'd be at the mercy of every peacekeeper in the Capitol. That wouldn't help.
Ramona realised, too late, that the moment she'd finally been able to let go of her past, when she'd grown up from being that little girl on the reaping stage, hadn't been when she'd won her games or when she'd saved someone's life.
It had been when she'd watched the sunrise on the hovercraft on the way to District 13 knowing that she'd escaped the Capitol, that she could finally move on with her life.
Maybe that was the hardest thing to do. It wasn't killing someone. It wasn't saving a life. It was letting go of the past and moving on.
Or maybe the hardest thing to do was convincing Primrose Everdeen that she didn't have to charge off into war to prove her strength to the world. Ramona tried.
But she failed.
Ramona had just wanted to help. She'd just wanted to prove to herself that she didn't poison everyone she touched. But she did. She always did.
00:01
Prim had one last request.
She went to Ramona's compartment but it was just to drop off Buttercup. She wanted Lumas to look after him while she was away.
She didn't say anything to Ramona. She felt too betrayed to say anything.
She just couldn't understand why Ramona had tried to stop her. Out of all the people in Panem, Prim thought Ramona would understand.
00:00
At first, Prim thought it was a flashback to her reaping.
Katniss was screaming her name. She was standing there, eyes wild with fear, face pale, just like she'd done at the reaping.
But this time, Prim wasn't scared.
She opened her mouth to tell Katniss that everything was fine, that she just needed to rescue some kids and then they could both go home. Everything was going to be okay.
For the first time in her life, Prim didn't feel like the little sister. She felt like she was more than that.
She found it. Peace.
When the other parachutes exploded, Prim closed her eyes and let her life flash behind her eyelids. She hardly felt any pain.
She was a brief glow of light on a birthday cake. Thirty-two lifetimes over in an instant. Ash spreading out in every direction.
No pain. No fear. Nothing.
When Ramona brought her second daughter into the world, two years after the end of the war, she thought of Prim.
She was going name her daughter after her. It seemed like the only way to make things right, to protect this Prim like she couldn't protect the first.
Primrose Taffeta was going to grow up with two loving parents, a caring older sister and an incredibly old and grumpy pet cat named Buttercup. She was never going to need to be lucky to survive.
That's the end of the story! I hope you enjoyed it. I think I eventually got what I was aiming for. I had fun exploring a side to Prim that wasn't really there in the books. But my favourite part of writing this story was the realisation that Lumas was a cat person. I feel like I didn't include enough Lumas and Buttercup scenes but, if I ever return to this AU, I'll write a story all about Lumas and Buttercup and their wholesome friendship.