Author's note: And now, the moment you've been waiting for. Perhaps my latest magnum opus! The swear words will be in bold, by the way.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
(a very special intro, featuring Kyle's classic vocals, a metal mix, and an extended version intertwined with many memories; and then party noises as the number 200 fully lights up!)
Special Thanks
James: Thanks for watching episode 200 of the Angry Video Game Nerd, ladies and gents! We've come a long way for the past 15 years, but I know all the blood, sweat and tears we shed together were all worth it in the end. I also want to give a shout-out to my family, my friends, and most important of all, my fans. If it weren't for you guys, I wouldn't be here playing shitty games that suck ass. So with all that said, be prepared for the biggest and most exciting episode in history!
Prelude
(some more flashbacks, this time with dialogue, starting with the two pilot episodes)
(Castlevania 2) "This game sucks."
(Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde) "I'm dead fucking serious."
(and now onward to the main show's episodes, with highlights such as...)
(Karate Kid) "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"
(Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) "Cowa-fucking-piece-of-dogshit!"
(Atari 5200) "What were they thinking?!"
(Dick Tracy) "Why are there no continues?! Why are there no fucking continues?! WHY?!" (drinks some Rolling Rock before screaming into a pillow)
(Godzilla) "FUUUUUUUUCK!"
(Big Rigs) "BIG MOTHERFUCKING RIGS!"
(and now, to the present time; in other words 2021)
AVGN: I'm about to embark on a mission, to come to terms with LJN once and for all. I've already eliminated most, if not all, of these foul catastrophic fucknuggets, but now's the time to take care of the rest.
So, about LJN...are they still around? Well, not exactly; it's complicated. So before I tell you what's at stake here, let's go into a little background. First of all: who are and who were LJN?
We all know their distinct brand of games, the same way you'd recognize the specific smell of your dog's farts from its asshole. You take one ghastly whiff and you know exactly where it came from.
As a kid, when I rented these games from the video store (say, Back to the Future or Roger Rabbit), nothing seemed immediately wrong. The graphics usually seemed nice and they all had a playability factor. But LJN was like the Master of Disguise, with his own unique scents of putrid anal vomit. Cause the further you'd go, the worse the shitshow would get. Like in the final stage of Back to the Future, when you're driving the Delorean; if you lose, you start back at the beginning of the game. No matter how many continues. What fucking bullshit!
The NES library had plenty of worse games by other publishers, so LJN was definitely not the bottom of the ass totem pole. But that made their crimes even more detestable, because they tricked you into thinking that the games were good. Especially when so many of them were based on well-known franchises.
With other shitty games, you wouldn't want to waste much of your time. You'd realize it's already shitty right away and turn it off, but LJN had that sneaky as hell style to rope you in.
But even though they had a distinct brand (and I'm sure as hell not going to say it a third time, either), their games were actually made by several different development companies. So LJN was only a publisher; in a sense that they were the colon and the developers were the anus. The companies, just to name a few, were Beam Software, Atlus, and the one that developed perhaps the worst one, 'Bill and Ted' was called Rocket Science.
Wow, I'm glad they didn't actually go into rocket science.
The one that's the most shocking to know of is Rare, who made Beetlejuice, Nightmare on Elm Street, and a few others. They're probably better known for non-LJN games like Battletoads, and would eventually have a partnership with Nintendo on Killer Instinct and Donkey Kong Country. I would have never guessed such kickass games came from a company that had anything to do with LJN.
So even though LJN was the publisher, their games are still called LJN games in the same way that the 2014 Ninja Turtles movie was called a Michael Bay movie. Even though he produced it and did not direct.
But to answer the question: Who exactly were LJN?
We'd have to trace it all the way back to its founder, a guy named Jack Friedman. He started LJN as a toy company in 1970, and I heard he named it after its employer Norman J. Lewis, reversing his initials to LJN. That was, until it unofficially became Laughin Jokin Numbnuts for reasons you've obviously heard a long time ago.
At first, LJN only made toys before branching into video games in the 80s. I remember playing these toys like the wrestling figures, so I had nothing but positive memories there. I guess they should have stuck with toys...
So anyway, in 1985, MCA bought LJN, but then in 1990, sold it to Acclaim, who in 1995, dissolved LJN even though they used the name once again in 2000. As for Jack Friedman, in 1990, he formed toy headquarters THQ, eventually leaving and forming JAKKs Pacific. And sad to say, but Jack passed away in 2010. Rest in Peace, Jack.
So basically, I'm going to get down to business and review the rest of the LJN library. It's like cleaning cat piss stains on the back of a litter box. One of these days, you're just gonna have to do it. But how many games are we talking about here?
The LJN stamp appeared primarily on three consoles: the NES, Game Boy and Super Nintendo, with a few lone shitnuggets. For reviewing purposes, I'll be grouping them into categories: Movie-Based Games, Sports Games, Marvel Games, Wrestling Games and Miscellaneous. In total, I've counted 67 games to the best of my research, including one game console, the LJN Video Art, which thankfully, I've already covered.
(brief flashback of the LJN Video Art)
"It squeaks!"
"Aw, that's awful!"
AVGN: Yeah, that thing sucked. Sucked like a fake monument doused in puke and fecal matter.
Part 1 - Movie-Based Games (Bring it, bitch!)
First, let's talk about the movie-based games. Now fortunately, I've already covered most of them. Ah, memories...
(Karate Kid) "What a piece of shit."
(Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) "I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fucking cross."
(Back to the Future) "This game is horrible!" "Two shitty games for the price of one."
(Friday the 13th) "This game...is FUCKING! HORRIBLE!" (throws cartridge against the closet)
(A Nightmare on Elm Street) "This game is my fucking nightmare!"
AVGN: Seriously, that shit was years ago, and I can still vividly remember the places I used to live in, too. But enough about remincising, let's do this!
Terminator 2 Arcade - Game Boy
AVGN: Pop this fucker in, turn the son of a bitch on, and let's play some Terminator 2 Arcade Edition...on the Game Boy. Oh yeah!
...Right, I take it back. There's nothing to say, look at it. Seriously, I'd rather go back in time and turn this shit into something serviceable for the 2600. I mean, what's the point of taking an arcade classic and watering it down to Game Boy standards? So that you can take it on the school bus, to the mall, to the arcade, I guess?
(after some gameplay)
This is fucking boring. What else can I do besides just hang around with a really inferior 8-bit rendition of something incredibly awesome at the arcade? Especially when it has little to no color! (sigh)
Beetlejuice - Game Boy
Next is Beetlejuice for the Game Boy, based on the cartoon of the same name.
Uh-oh! The ghosts got caught in the washing machine! They're fucking shit up! Gotta fight the clothes and the sheet ghost! Which is, um...a sheet with a ghost inside? So that's the main goal; you have to fight all of the ghosts which is the opposite of what this smooth-talking, badass ghost normally does. Doesn't he haunt a house not unhaunted? What's next? Are the Ghostbusters letting the ghosts in?
There's a bunch of crappy mini-games, like who can make the freakiest face by tapping directions on the D-Pad. That's a new one. Then there's a game where you connect pipes. Fucking pipes. Wow. Does this look like fun? No, he isn't even Mario or Luigi. Sure they're plumbers, but they never had to bother with this type of shit.
But the worst is the goddamn stairs. At random, they'll flatten and send you sliding back down.
(start gameplay)
Argh! Unh! Motherfuckers! And it keeps happening over and fucking over with no pattern or predictability. Argh! Ah, you fuck!
(end gameplay)
Bill and Ted's Excellent Game Boy Adventure - Game Boy
But if you want more genuine fun, and not the kind of fun you'd expect from shitty games or even fucking a Fleshlight with spikes inside, you should try out Bill and Ted on the Game Boy. Even though I'm trying to be sarcastic, the game's really fun, though.
Very basic, but it's also sort of an old school arcade-style thing where you just go around collecting orbs and dodging a bunch of Abe Lincolns. Fucking really? Abe is a bad guy here? The guy that abolished slavery? What's next? George Washington? Teddy Roosevelt? Thomas Jefferson?
There's almost nothing to say, but in this case, that's a good thing. Because this is such a sharp contrast to the NES version. I can't think of any other example where a Game Boy version is far superior. All in all, another boring, if pretty fun experience for me that doesn't make me want to snort my damn nostrils with piss.
Alien 3 - Game Boy & SNES
But wait, there's more! Alien 3 on the Game Boy! God, I can never have the same vibrance that Billy Mays has in his commercials...
This game also happens to turn Ripley into a stick figure...or maybe it'a an alien, I dunno. So all I did in this game was walk around like a fucking idiot.
There's ladders everywhere, but you can't go up any. Well, that was pointless. Found some alien eggs, touched them and died. Once again, fucking pointless. Lots of people walking around, can't talk to them or anything. No hints, no directions, no map. Really fucking pointless.
This belongs to a certain genre: strategy guide seller games.
But Alien 3 fared a little better on the Super Nintendo. The graphics are good, the music is tense, and the controls are smooth. You have a variety of weapons, you can select different missions like saving prisoners or destroying alien eggs. Though the enemies come a little too often and I wish there was a map, which would've helped like Super Metroid.
There's a blueprint system that you find on the terminals, on the wall; but anytime you're lost you have to make it back over there. Kind of like stopping at a gas station before the GPS was invented.
The best part is the game over voice.
'Game over, man!'
AVGN: Which was from Aliens, not Alien 3. But who the hell cares?
True Lies - SNES and Game Boy
Well, anyway, here's one that I missed in my Arnold Schwarzenegger games episode: True Lies.
It's one of my favorites of his, not just for the action, but also the humor. The game retains some of that humor like when you shoot an innocent civilian, your assistant (the Tom Arnold character) gives you shit about it. Also when you die, he says things like "You only have one life left." As if he's witnessing die and ressurect. But wait: What do you do when a civilian is blocking the path?
(start gameplay)
Allright, move outta the way! I'm pretty damn busy here! What the...? He's not gonna move for me?
He won't move! He won't fucking move!
(end gameplay)
But when you fail, this happens.
(boom)
Now that's what you call a game over. It really does emphasize the magnitude of defeat. BOOM! You lost, motherfucker!
Unfortunately, the game is also very monotonous. Even though the scenery changes from the mansion, to the mall, to the park, it's all the same top down, run around and shoot bullshit. When you think of the movie, you remember the bathroom fight, the horse on the roof chase, the bridge scene, the Jamie Lee Curtis strip dance; I wonder how that would've all worked. It does have the plane finale, though, but it's just an automatic cutscene.
Oh, and of course, there had to be a Game Boy version. Here, Arnold looks like a fucking pill from Dr. Mario but with a gun. It's also the same thing: shoot bad guys, but avoid civilians. And anytime you shoot, you're guaranteed to get shot back. It's better to just walk pass them. All in all, it's the same as the Super Nintendo version, but just shittier. Gotta let Arnold deal with this scum!
(from True Lies)
"You're fired."
Warlock - NES
AVGN: LJN even made games based on movies you might not remember like Warlock!
The graphics and animation are pretty nice, and the gameplay is basic enough: Run to the right, blast everything in sight. It's fine for a bit until you realize how resilient these enemies are.
(start gameplay)
Stay down, you zombie fuck! Stay down!
Then you run into these archers...Argh! Unh! Die you fuckburger!
And every time you get hit, you get knocked back half a screen. Look how long it takes to beat this pile of rancid monkey ass!
Die! Die! Die! Oh my god, when are they gonna die? When are they gonna fucking die?! OH MY GOD!
(end gameplay)
Then these gargoyles keep coming at me and they take just as long to kill. Every fucking enemy is like a mini-boss battle.
The controls are clumsy, you can't fucking attack and move at the same time. And when you die, it sends you back to the title screen instead of simply continuing. You have to go to preparations that brings up a menu with a password option. You then enter the password, and then wait through a tedious as fuck cutscene with some book.
Being a magic wizard and all, I also can't even see how the damn water even kills you! And it's not even clear how I'm supposed to make these jumps, anyway.
Hey, I got a magic trick! (removes the paper to reveal he's flipping the bird)
AVGN: At least they've got a floating ball which you can use to deal a shitload of damage onto your enemies. Next game.
Cutthroat Island - SNES
Which just so happens to be an adaptation of the 1995 swashbuckling adventure Cutthroat Island. Which, according to the Guinness World Records, as of 2012, was the biggest box office failure of all time. Oh, and then add LJN, and it's the perfect storm of goat shit, pig's blood, human vomit and monkey piss!
So the first level is okay, I guess. It's just a dumb beat-em-up game with cartoonish graphics. But the animation is actually pretty good, and there's a variety of sword swipes and rolls you can perform.
(start gameplay)
Unh! Unh! Yeah, how's this for a touche?
(end gameplay)
It's not bad, really; until you get to the next level.
Now you're in a wooden cart ramming into enemies, just mowing them all down. Seems simple enough. But if you hit a rock or a tree, you die instantly.
(start gameplay)
Fuck! Dammit! Gotta stay focused...FUCK!
(end gameplay)
There's no death animation, it just fades to black and restarts the damn stage. So if you blink, you might not even notice what happened.
Like, when I hit this asshole, I had no idea how I lost. But it turns out, you need to avoid him. But how the hell am I supposed to know that you run over everyone else? Why not him? Fuck!
(proceeds to have a Rolling Rock)
Part 2 - Sports-Based Games (Doing more than just tripping balls!)
AVGN: Well, I've already taken care of the movie-based games, but now let's get into the sports games. Which is a little bit of a problem for me. Because I don't know anything about basketball, or baseball-
(from Liar Liar)
"Baseball stuff!"
"Baseball stuff!"
AVGN: -or FOOTBALL.
(from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
"I'm ready to go in, coach! Just give me a chance!"
AVGN:But fuck it, I'm goin' in, anyway!
NBA All Star Challenge - SNES & Game Boy
So first is NBA All Star Challenge for the the Super Nintendo.
From what I saw on the menu screen, it's only a bunch of one-on-one games. First off, the graphics are good, and the reflections on the floor are a nice touch. But this is no NBA Jam; not very intuitive, and of course I don't know how to play basketball. But you'd think I'd be able to figure out a video game like I usually try to do.
Goal-tending, blocking, traveling, what the fuck?! I suck so much at this shit, it's embarrassing. I'm even making Michael motherfucking Jordan look bad. Imagine if he was being controlled by some shitty video game nerd.
(beat)
This game is like blood coming out of a mascot's non-existent cockhole!
Then there's a Game Boy version of the same game. What am I supposed to do with this shitload of fuck? It's the same fucking game but even more awkward with worse graphics. And...listen to this!
(music)
Seriously, what the ass? They even tried to emulate the sounds of the shoes squeaking on the floor. Well they tried, but just not good enough! The ball also sounds like taking diarrhea on a sheet of aluminum.
But if that weren't enough, the Game Boy version got a sequel: NBA All Star Challenge 2. Yeah, an exclusive sequel for the Game Boy. Now this one's got to be a massive improvement, because why release a second portable game?
(sounds)
IT'S THE SAME FUCKING THING!
Okay, they actually added an audience in the background. Well, that makes it worth it, because that's what you want. Who wants to play a fucking game with no crowd?! That's something I have to buy again, just to have the new special audience background edition. Or they could just have the crowd in the first game.
I was even flipping through the players stats, just to see if anything else changed, like if Larry Bird gained a pound or some shit. Oh shit, his PPG average went up!
I wanna know that shit! Somebody's weight changes, buy it again! Somebody changed his team, buy it again! Somebody's score changes, buy it again! New paint on the course, buy it again!
AH, SPORTS! AAAAAAH!
(flashback to AVGN losing his mind in the Atari Sports Games episode)
Now we're into baseball games, and there's already been enough baseball games on NES. But LJN has to throw their hat in the ring, or some other baseball pun if I had one.
Major League Baseball - NES
So first, there's Major League Baseball on NES. More like Major Limpdick Bullshit!
(eventually leads to a screen with walls of text)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down here! What am I looking at?! The entire screen is just a wall of numbers and shit. Select first batter, okay. Select second batter, okay. Select third batter, fourth batter...Oh! Can't select that one!
So I got to up to eight batters and now it starts asking me to select pictures. Look at this shit, I've never seen more stats and information outside of Dungeons and Dragons. Man, to be into sports, you gotta be a nerd!
Okay, so when I finally get to the actual game, it's pretty much what you expect; it's baseball. So when it comes to batting, I have no luck. I mean, what exactly is the hitbox in a baseball game? But when I'm pitching, the other team hits almost everything? It's going...it's gone! And the crowd goes into flashing colors like it's a rave party from Hell.
Oh, it's Satan's birthday?! I thought this only happened in South Park via Hell on Earth!
Roger Clemens MVP Baseball - Game Boy, NES & SNES
Then we come to Roger Clemens MVP Baseball, which happens to be a trilogy. It consists of an NES game, GB game and SNES game, which is often the case with LJN.
They'd put the same game on all three, so you'd have the choice of Shit Lite, Shit Medium, and Pure Grain Ultra Shit.
Now first is the Game Boy version. You take one look at it, and there it is. It's baseball. Probably enjoyable for a couple of games, until you just feel the urge to piss. That's Shit Lite.
Next, we move on over to the NES version, and it's the same thing, but with better graphics. But the one thing about these games that sets them apart from Major League Baseball though is that after the ball is hit, instead of going to an overhead view it goes to a third person view. And whenever the switch happens, it's a little disorienting at first. And as far as batting goes...ugh.
I never got the chance because I started off pitching and the other team hits everything. So it's like an eternal never-ending game of baseball, which to me is the very definition of Hell. In other words, Shit Medium.
The Super Nintendo version, aside from having even better graphics and a impressive opening cut scene, is no better. It's the same game with the same problems. I get confused every time the perspective switches and I never get a chance to bat! Charlie Brown would have better luck and I'm not fucking kidding! The other team hits every fucking ball!
(in the tune of a baseball jingle)
FUCK SHIT ASS DICK FUCK PISS COCK TURD FUCK SHIT ASS DICK FUCK PISS COCK TURD FUCK SHIT ASS DICK FUCK PISS COCK TURD MOTHER THE FUCK THE FUCK!
And that, is Pure Grain Ultra Shit!
Now it's time for motherfucking football, with just plain ass NFL. Not as blunt as football on Atari, but simple, just the same. No Madden, no year, none of that shit. As natural as a nature trail: undiluted, genuine, uncontaminated, straighter to the point than a co-nose of a fresh expelled cat turd! Not named after the amount of yards the field is, or the length it takes for your dog to walk to take a shit! Not named after the TV channel or at college, or the type of skin on the ball! No Montana, Colorado, ESPNES, go fuck yourself! Just plain as perfection as undisputable as death, three letters up your ass! NFL!
NFL - NES
Okay, so basically, the game goes on for two seconds, and now I'm stuck on some kind of countdown. So what the ass is going on here? Anything I press, the referee stops the counter-delay of the game. I can't believe I'm saying this...but just let me play some fucking football! Have the decency to begin my suffering!
So once again, the game starts up for two seconds. A couple of questions: Who am I? Which team has the ball? And before I have a chance to mentally process anything, I'm back to this damn timer, of course! God, I know nothing about football. But don't you think I'd be able to mess around and figure out something.
(after some gameplay)
Whoever programmed this game is an asshole!
NFL Quarterback Club - SNES & Game Boy
Next is NFL Quarterback Club on Super Nintendo. Okay, let's see here, pick the game type first; now, let's see, preseason, new season, ugh, who cares? Rookie, whatever. Teams, home or away? Oh shit, you have to pick the weather now? Pick the weather? How far could you possibly go?
(Grass or turf, followed by a beat and a sigh)
Oh, the decisions in life. Should you go to college? Should you get married? Divorced? Should you move into an apartment or a house? Should you have a kid or adopt? Or have a pet? But then comes a question greater than any in the history of human civilization. A question that concerns the very ground on which we stand. It's the fundamental surface of the warriors's trial from the ancient coliseums to the arena fields. It's the very vegetation that grows beneath; it's the cycle of life! It's a pivotal decision that will forever alter the course of time! It's humanity's most critical judgement! The fate of all existence depends on it, and now at this major turning point as you stand at the burning crossroads under the light of God and ask yourself: What'll it be? Grass or turf? Grass or fucking turf? That's a very important decision!
(from The Karate Kid II)
"Grass or turf, man?"
"Grass!"
AVGN: Okay, so after I picked the grass, the game eventually starts...for about two seconds. Again.
Unh! Unh! Unh! (makes football noises while playing with the NES cartridge like a football while getting hits, intercut with gameplay and with Carrey's bathroom meltdown in Liar Liar)
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"I'm kicking my ass. Do you mind?!"
(the madness continues until AVGN is done)
AVGN: (breathes in, breathes out) Sorry, got a little carried away there. Anyway, the gameplay is just ass covered in meat sauce, and the options just boggle your mind faster than a film with a potential mindfuck.
In short, the game sucks. Ugh, should have picked turf.
Then there's NFL Quarterback Club on Game Boy, which is a totally different game. In which you're running from a side angle through like an obstacle course, and then a view from behind as you throw balls at targets. So if football games weren't enough, you also have football practice games. In short, average, but not above average.
We also got NQC2, which doesn't even have a '2' on the title screen. Yeah, it's a real headache trying to understand why it wasn't on the screen to begin with. And the game? Well, it's the same as the Super Nintendo version.
(more football madness / gameplay, and...)
(from Liar Liar)
"I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him."
(from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
"Let's see that in an instant replay."
AVGN: Yeah, same nonsense as before, but no need for me to sound like a fucking broken record here! Anyway, we already took care of the LJN sports games, so let's move on-wards in this shit rainbow.
Part 3 - Marvel Games (More contrivances than the MCU!)
Allright, let's check out the Marvel games from LJN, which consists of Spiderman, X-Men and the Punisher. At least none of them feature the Silver Surfer, or I'll have a massive breakdown and destroy shit everywhere!
First up, the Spiderman games. Luckily, I already covered some of them. Remember that one time that I had to play a fuckton of games with the real thing?
(Spiderman episode montage with Kyle's Spiderman parody song)
"It's fucking Spiderman!"
"THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!"
"Oh, there you go, oh, no! He's gonna get'cha, he's gonna get'cha!"
"Fuck-load-of-shit!"
"Look, I can't even hit this guy! Oh, look at this!"
"Get him! Why are you fucking jerking around?"
"Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself."
"Why are you jumping all over the place?"
"Because every time I hit the button it, like, jumps."
"Well, wait for him to come to you!"
"There's no, like, jump kick move, like you can't jump then do an attack."
"Well, then, don't do that move!"
"Well, he-I can't hit him when he's in the air."
"Well, wait for him to come down, then!"
"Jump! Jump jump jump jump jump jump!"
"IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!"
AVGN: Man, wasn't that nice? Really makes you wonder, where the hell is he now? I dunno, he's probably got a decent career as a musician or something ahead of him. So... (shrugs, before getting a smartphone out and calling him) Hey, Kyle.
Kyle: Oh hey, what's up?
AVGN: How's life hanging out for you?
Kyle: Pretty good, I guess. Home remodeling sure beats living behind the couch all fucking day.
AVGN: Good to know! If you ever got something on your mind, be it a new song or anything like that, don't be afraid to dial me up.
Kyle: Thanks!
Spiderman 2 - Game Boy
Oh, and did you know that the Game Boy version has sequels? Oh, fuck yeah, here comes Spiderman 2! Now that I think about it...
(cue another flashback)
"But for them to put that in the game, it's insulting, and it's-"
"Yeah, I agree."
"I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man."
"I wish Spiderman would deliver my pizzas every day."
"I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fucking ass!"
AVGN: Thankfully, this isn't based on the film Spiderman 2. So you know, I can't really blame myself for missing it anyway, I guess. I mean, it looks similar but the controls are very different, especially the way the web works. You get to stick onto things and sort of like - like just, I don't know - swing yourself around like you're a human pendulum.
It's kind of like, uh, you know like, uh, like Spiderman. Minus the human pendulum, of course. Yeah, it's a good attempt unlike the first Game Boy game where the web was automatic. Here, it's more calculated until you run out. Now you're just shit out of luck, so you go around fighting enemies and climbing walls instead. It's just your usual friendly neighborhood Spiderman game, though it's also flat as cardboard, so it's not really for everyone.
(start gameplay)
Argh! Unh! Pizza time, punkass!
What's this? A dead end?! Oh, literally, a fucking dead end! Well, I'll know next time not to touch the electric fence of doom, I guess!
(end gameplay)
Well, what's next, Spiderman 3 on Game Boy? Yeah, they kept on going, 'cause they were prone to torturing players.
The Amazing Spiderman 3 - Game Boy
Seriously, who would have guessed that this would be a trilogy? But it's not Spiderman 3 the movie, but instead Spiderman 3 And The Spider Slayers. Oh, boy. Why not just rename it Spiderman And The Spider Slayers? Sounds more reasonable than this putrid title they got out of their ass.
When it starts, you're just running around a park beating people up before reaching a dead end.
(start gameplay)
Ngh! Allright, let's move on; wait, what? Well, it's at least a dead end that doesn't kill you this time around.
(end gameplay)
So you're just running back and forth taking out enemies until finally an arrow appears at the bottom and lets you leave the stage. It's just bland and boring as fuck.
Next stage, and I'm fighting a xenomorph alien. I mean it looks exactly like Alien, and for a moment I'd thought Ripley would make a cameo and help Spidey whip its ass!
And then there's some weird boss: is it a bird? A robot claw? Who gives a shit? But it's also, like, the shyest boss in game history; won't come anywhere inside the screen so fuck this! Next game!
Spiderman & X-Men In Arcade's Revenge - SNES & Game Boy
Moving on to the Super Nintendo, we have Spiderman & X-Men in Arcade's Revenge. At first, I thought it meant that the arcade machine was gonna get revenge. But it's actually the name of the villain! Wow, some shit originality.
You start out as Spiderman and I don't mean to say everything always sounds like farts, but when your Spidey Senses go off, just listen.
(the Spidey Sense alarm starts blaring)
AVGN: I'd say the whole thing about breaking wind onto aluminum, but I've already run that course.
The goal is to get these little things in a specific order, as if just fighting your way to the end of the stage wouldn't have been enough. So the game just started and already it's an annoying maze of scrambled diarrhea! At least there's arrows to tell you where to go, so I'm just gonna follow...
Uhh, wait wait wait wait! Which-which way now? What, uh-left, right, down, up, left, right, left, down, up! The arrows can't even make up their fucking minds!
After you clear the level, you get a character select screen. Each character has their own stage; for example, Wolverine's fighting clowns, jack-in-the-boxes with machineguns and toy soldiers from Wizard of Oz. What kind of fucking level is this for the most famous and most attention-seeking mutant?!
Storm's level is an underwater stage; I figured that she'd be flying, not swimming. And here's Cyclops's stage; what the fuck?! The floor's even electric! But that scream sure is hilarious, by the way.
(behold Cyclops's death scream)
AVGN: And look at that shitty kick of his: Unh! Unh! Unh!
So to avoid the floor, always make sure to ride the cart. There we go, all good!
(the death scream happens again, leaving AVGN speechless and dropping the controller)
AVGN: What...the...actual...fuck?!
And if you wanted Arcade's Revenge on the go, well, here's the Game Boy version for all you masochists out there. Same game, same old shit. Nothing more to say, except that climbing...
(start gameplay)
Oh, man, get up there! Get the fuck up there, dammit! Urgh!
(end gameplay)
This pain is so unstoppable, so unbearable! I'd rather fuck a cactus until all the spikes decorate my dick, all the way to the tip!
Spiderman - SNES
There's yet another one on the Super Nintendo, simply called Spiderman. Though, thankfully, it's based on the animated series and the not the film with Dafoe in it. Gotta love that song, by the way.
(mouths the SNES rendition of the Spiderman theme)
AVGN: It's yet another action game and it's pretty colorful and appealing. Love Spiderman's walk cycle, walking like a tough guy; reminds me of Henry Hawk. But I'm getting off-topic here, so back to the game.
You can also punch computers and make 'em explode! Oh yeah, that's how I feel when my computer gives me shit. Wait a minute, what's this? Am I standing on an NES console? Imagine what a platformer would be like if the backgrounds featured you standing on a PS1.
Anyway, you just gotta go fighting enemies. Seems all fine and dandy, until you come to this barricade.
(start gameplay)
Ugh, motherfucker; I tried kicking it over and over, until I finally managed to knock the damn thing down. Persistence and luck, folks. Persistence and luck.
(end gameplay)
So let's move on to the X-Men games. Now there were two on NES by LJN, and thankfully, I covered them as well.
Wolverine: Adamantium Rage - SNES
But they've also made a Wolverine game on the Super Nintendo, called Adamantium Rage.
Simply put, there's no color scheme and everything looks like a fucking mess. The controls also take time to get used to, and any simple button command sends me flying, jumping and somersaulting all over the place like a goddamn maniac. It's a confusing maze filled with background doors that you can't go in, and I keep getting lost. And look how jittery Wolverine's movement is! He only goes fast and he's still two-geared diarrhea, and is frequently falling through platforms as well.
(start gameplay)
Argh! Argh!
(end gameplay)
Oh yeah, gotta have that bullshit. But at least you can dig through the floor like a cat burying its shit.
Everything I press does some stupid move, and I don't know where I'm supposed to go because everything looks the fucking same. Because right about now, I'm feeling some adamantium rage!
(as soon as he gets the cartridge out, Wolverine-style claws come out of his knuckles, before they slice through it)
The Punisher - NES
AVGN: Next up is The Punisher on the NES. If my memory serves me right, I once made a guy named Pat play this game. But I've never actually reviewed it myself; that's because there's almost nothing to say about this fuckdump.
It's just a cross-hair point and shoot game. It's so fucking bland, it doesn't even have music most of the time. It was also a rental back in 1990, and honestly, it wasn't bad as a time killer. Just blasting everything on screen, just as you're also blasting away your brain cells. If it moves, shoot it. If it doesn't move, shoot it. Just as boring as watching paint dry.
When you finally make it to a boss fight, you can use your fists and feet to beat the ever loving shit out of these pussies.
(start gameplay)
Unh! Unh! Right in the cranium, motherfucker!
(end gameplay)
And when you kill them, it says 'R.I.P.'
Wow. In video games, you don't think about all the people you kill, you take it for granted. But here comes a game that reminds you of the mortality to rub it in your face and say, "This man is dead, and you killed him. Hope you're happy! Now go fuck yourself!"
The Punisher: Ultimate Payback! - Game Boy
And then comes The Punisher: Ultimate Payback, this time on the Game Boy. As expected, it's much more primitive. But the shocking thing about it is that it has music, so that's one advantage over the NES version.
You have to avoid shooting innocent people, even though it just takes some life away if you do. I mean, you'd think there'd be bigger consequences than that. And when an enemy takes a hostage, you just gotta watch your aim and then...Spiderman comes in?
Oh, Spiderman's in this game! It's the Game Boy cinematic universe!
(we get a screen of Spiderman)
AVGN: And that covers the Marvel games; so grab another pack of Rolling Rock, because we're goin' deeper into this giant shitheap than we have ever been before!
Part 4 - Wrestling Games (Not even Lesnar wants anything to do with this dogshit!)
Well, let's get to the wrestling games next. Now, there were three on the NES, brandishing the LJN logo, and thankfully, I've already talked about them, and trashed them too.
One funny thing I forgot to mention was that in both Wrestlemania Challenge and King of the Ring, you can play as yourself. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! It's not like you can customize him to actually look like yourself!
WWF King of the Ring - Game Boy
King of the Ring also has a Game Boy port; it's similar to the original NES version, but even more awkward and with 8-bit Atari-esque sounds.
(bleeps and bloops in the ring)
And the controls are just godawful; it makes me want to blow chunks all over The King and Good Ol' JR.
(gameplay)
Unh! Unh!
(end of gameplay)
WWF? More like WTF.
WWF Superstars - Game Boy
WWF Superstars, on the other hand, is a big improvement. Better graphics, has music during the match, but whenever the characters get close their bodies sort of fuse together. It's like that one Celebrity Deathmatch episode where two celebrity has-beens are conjoined to fight the other two, also stuck together. R. Kelly Clarkson? Ludacriss Angel? I mean, what the ass? That's just weird.
Or like the Sega 32X and the Sega CD joining forces to double team the Sega Genesis, like it's going out of style, presumably.
"Look at this, it's a fucking mess. And what a perfect visual analogy; Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like! It's on life-support!"
(start gameplay)
Come on, come on! Yeah, in your face, bitch!
(end gameplay)
WWF Superstars 2 - Game Boy
It also has itself a sequel on the same system. Hey, it's on the title screen, just as planned! And they're already wrestling, too! Pretty impressive, I'll give them that! They've also included the wrestlers's theme songs, as well.
(Game Boy rendition of Hulk Hogan's theme)
You also have the option to fight in a cage match, which I don't really see the point of, but hey. Each Game Boy version is an improvement over the last...I guess.
(start gameplay)
Almost there, almost there, almost there-fuck yeah! I got out!
(does a certain chant a la Daniel Bryan / Bryan Danielson)
YES! YES! YES!
(end gameplay)
WWF Super Wrestlemania, Royal Rumble 2 and Raw - SNES
Next up, we have a trilogy on the Super Nintendo. In my past wrestling episode, I trashed all three of these games. And I really feel so reluctant in saying that these were good, like I'm complimenting my cat's shit when it's all covered in kitty litter.
First is WWF Super Wrestlemania. It's got a great character lineup, and seeing the faces all digitized was new and exciting for its time. It also gave you the option of fighting either one-on-one or tag team style, and you even had a variety of moves to pull off. You can jump off the ropes for a surprise attack, and even fight outside the ring, too. It had also introduced a grapple system where you get to tap a certain button real fast to perform a particular move.
So if you're playing with a friend, it's all about who has the fastest thumbs, and that's when it gets crazy! You gotta fucking tap that shit like greased lightning, and if you're both the same speed, it'll go on FOREVER! Yeah, you haven't experienced anything until you've been in a fucking thumb war over LJN wrestling games on Super Nintendo! YEAH!
(The controller explodes, nearly blowing AVGN away as he crashes onto the floor, before a Rocky-style KO from the Rocky episode also happens)
The second is WWF Royal Rumble, it's also the one I used to play the most as a kid. I always remember how when you flip through the character screens, their respective theme song plays. Honestly, I have never heard such awesome synthesized metal coming through my Super Nintendo. Sometimes, I'd cycle through these tunes and just let it play in my room.
(Crush's theme starts playing, and AVGN starts going 'duh duh duh' a la Beavis and Butthead)
The game itself functions like Super Wrestlemania, but it also improved with the Royal Rumble option. Of course, this is where it gets nuts when you do play through this particular mode. Having all those characters in the ring, unleashing pure chaos and pandemonium, it's like being in a mosh pit at a death metal concert.
(start gameplay)
Come on, come on, come on! YEAH! Out of the ring you go, you bloated shitnozzle!
(end gameplay)
And if you get thrown off, you can still sit back and watch the rest of the fight.
(Sits back and watches the rest of the Royal Rumble with a can of Rolling Rock)
The third and last of the trilogy is WWF Raw, and wow, what a trippy opening! At first, I thought the game was glitching, like...
(from the Game Glitches episode, the Glitch Gremlin screws around with AVGN at the end)
"Glitch, glitch, glitch!"
AVGN: ...but nope. It's just the opening, so thank God for that. So basically, this version is kinda like Royal Rumble on crack. There's not finishing moves, but also Mega Moves, too.
(start gameplay)
Holy fuck! I-Is this power-bomb a Mega Move, too?! Wow, this game is something, allright.
(end gameplay)
But at a certain point, I think enough is enough.
Meanwhile, the computer opponents are much harder, I have to say. Overall, it's fun, crazy wrestling at finest, and the chair hits never gets old.
(start gameplay)
Bonk! Bonk! Fucking bonk!
(end gameplay)
That's my favorite wrestling trope; there just happens to be a chair there so I must as well hit somebody. Only problem is, they usually don't want to come near me.
(start gameplay)
Come on! Anybody who wants to get hit by a fucking chair, come on! Ugh, this sucks ass.
(end gameplay)
WWF Raw - Game Boy
But then, of course, it's gotta have a Game Boy port as it goes from the 32-bit SNES, to the tiny-ass portable screen of the GB. Yeah, the fixed camera angle with a wide view certainly doesn't help.
(start gameplay)
Goddamn, how long is this going to take with this big top of goat shit?!
(end gameplay)
The grapple button mashing is also way more tiring, so I say fuck it.
And that covers the wrestling games as a whole, but we're sure as hell not done. Not by a long shot, but if you were brave enough to endure all the previous categories, well...you've got another thing coming!
Part 5 - Miscellaneous (Must...Keep...Going...Almost...There!)
Allright, let's finish the LJN library once and for all! But before we end this, it's worth mentioning they also made a gaming accessory: The Roll n' Rocker, which I've already covered.
(from the NES Accessories episode)
"I'm drinking Rolling Rock, on the Roll n' Rocker! Rolling Rock...Roll n' Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock on the Roll n' Rocker!" (takes another swig of - you guessed it - Rolling Rock)
AVGN: Let's hope I have some more Rolling Rock left in the cooler, because I'm gonna need it! But all that bullshit aside, let's get into all the miscellaneous games AKA the LJN Leftovers.
Pictionary - NES
First up is Pictionary on the NES. That's right, the word guessing and drawing game, now on your home console! Seems like a good idea, actually; how could you screw that one up? It's a free drawing game where you can just doodle whatever you want.
(start gameplay)
(sigh, then under his breath) Fuck me running.
(end gameplay)
It's so bad, it almost rivals the LJN Video Art in terms of diarrhea suckage. It controls like garbage, and the way you have to rotate the tool around and how it speeds away like a runaway rocket makes you wish you had an Etch-A-Sketch instead of this pile of rancid fuckfarts.
And the erase sound effect...
(cue said sound effect)
I think I've heard that before. Is that from Ghostbusters?
(same effect happens through Ghostbusters gameplay)
"The fuck was that?!"
AVGN: Now that's epic! But what's not epic is pressing both buttons simultaneously while trying to get up to the top of the fucking building!
"What the fuck were they fucking thinkin'!?"
When you play the main game, it becomes immediately clear that this is not the Pictionary you'd expect. There's a game on the side that has an astronaut kicking balls or firefighters catching people out a window who won't wait their turn, or a guy carrying crates. Don't you fucking hate it when you're trying to stack crates and frog heads keep bothering you?!
(start gameplay)
Goddammit, stop bugging me!
(end gameplay)
The idea is to last as long as possible in this minigames as the more points you get, the more of the picture on the right gets uncovered. When you lose the minigame, you're left to solve the word for the picture. Even if said picture is nowhere near complete, so I've able to guess many of them.
(start gameplay)
You think it almost looks like a cock with balls? So do I, but it happens to be a bone. But seriously, a cock with balls? That would be pretty funny to put in such a family-friendly game.
(end gameplay)
But when you can barely see much of it, what's the point? How am I supposed to know what it is?
I give up. How about 'fuck you'?
(the picture is uncovered to reveal the middle finger with the words 'fuck you', to which surprises the Nerd)
Th-They did not just do that, did they?!
Gotcha! The Sport - NES
One game I also remember seeing as a kid was Gotcha! The Sport. When I saw the cover, I was actually intrigued at first because I thought the red splash was blood. But to my disappointment, it's actually a paintball capture the flag-style game. Thank god the Punisher's not involved, otherwise he'd have no idea what colors to use other than just fucking black!
The interesting thing about it is that the game was part of a marketing franchise for toy guns for kids that shot washable paint. They were also made by LJN's Entertech division, too. Another weird thing is that it's sorta based on the comedy action film Gotcha! from 1985. I'd put this in the movie category, but it's such a loose adaptation.
So it also uses the NES zapper and controller at the same time. So, use the D-pad to go left and right, and the zapper to fire obviously. All you do is blast people with your paintballs, and try to capture the flag.
(start gameplay)
Come on! Come on! Yeah, yeah, right over there and...BOOM! Ha ha, right in the balls!
(end gameplay)
Well, it's not that great, but what do you expect from an NES zapper game made by LJN, that sorta kinda may be based on a movie, and that's part of a line of paintball guns for kids? Fuck if I know.
T&C Surf Design - NES
Surf's up, dudes! It's T&C Surf Design! Now, I've reviewed this one in rhyme before if you could possibly remember; but yeah, let's take another look. Not that I wanna, but still...
There's two sections in the game: skateboarding and of course, surfing. The skateboarding is self-explanatory, you just gotta dodge everything while trying to make the fastest time. And I just don't understand the hitboxes or anything. I mean, look at this shit, I just fell into the side of a fucking hole.
Man, I could never skateboard, even in a game like this. I mean, skateboarding is like some kind of high-level wizardry, Tony Hawk and shit. It's fucking crazy, man! Skate Or Die! ...For me, it's the latter.
(start gameplay)
Allright, allright, almost there...Ah, fuckfarts!
Better avoid the hole, oh come on! Let's try it again...FUCK!
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
Allright, make the jump, make the ju-FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!
OWW!
I'm getting there, just jump and...shitballs! But just imagine if the sprite is also bloodied, and continues crashing into the barrels!
(and sure enough, it happens)
OOH!
(end gameplay)
The surfing stage, on the other hand, is one that goes down as one of the unholiest of assfests. The controls I could never figure out as a kid, and I sure as hell can't figure it out now! You just keep getting sucked in this wave!
(start gameplay)
Unh! Unh! Fucking whirlpool of a wave, I'm gonna avoid you-AH FUCK!
(end gameplay)
Not to mention, what's up with the choice of characters? The gorilla looks like some kind of generic cartoon, and the other one, uh...
Hang on, hang on. Somebody decided that should be a character. Yeah, we have this rad surfing game, what kind of character should we have? I don't know, how about a cat in a tuxedo?!
But it's not just a cat, it's a man's body with a cat's head. Anyway, this game sucks.
Man, I wish I could be that guy casually floating at the bottom, though. He's got the life, but not me. I can't fucking relax! I gotta flip some shit at the top of the waves here.
(start gameplay)
Fuck! Fuck! Fuuuck! Oh wow, oh yes yes, aaah FUCK ME!
(end gameplay)
Moving on.
T&C Surf Designs 2 - Thrilla's Surfari - NES
And guess what? There's a sequel; T&C Surf 2: Thrilla's Surfari! So the plot concerns the titular Thrilla Gorilla, and...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, a plot?! Yes, an honest to god pure-as-diarrhea plot, unlike the first game!
Wow, they really put a lot of more thought into this one. So Thrilla's girlfriend - a human girlfriend named Barbie Bikini, fuckin' hell - is captured by a witch doctor, so it's the standard rescue-the-girl bullshit.
The stages alternate between skateboarding and surfing, but it's more action-based than the previous game. You race through fighting enemies, and jumping hurdles and-
(suddenly Thrilla explodes)
Oh my god! He exploded! Let's see that shit again.
(clip plays again)
Other than that, it's a thousand times more playable than Surf Design 1, but fuck them both.
(start gameplay)
Oh yeah, this stage is trippin'! Almost close to doing the perfect trick, and-what in the everloving hell?! I crashed! Oh, blow me! Time to do away with this crap!
(end gameplay)
(the Nerd leaves his room, goes outside to a beach whilst turning into 2D animation, and gets on a surfboard, holding both cartridges in his hands)
Lifeguard: Excuse me, but what are you doing with those things?
AVGN: If there are any sharks around...then it's feeding time!
(eventually, the Nerd starts surfing as he leaves the surface, leaving the lifeguard befuddled; as he surfs, he stands up and is able to successfully detect two sharks in the ocean; he throws one to it and and does the same with the other as they both eat them, before suddenly falling off the surfboard; luckily, he's still alive)
(everything reverts to live action as the Nerd comes back, ready to resume)
AVGN: (deep breath) Now that's what I call a hang ten.
The Incredible Crash Dummies - Game Boy, SNES and Genesis
Next up, Crash Dummies on the NES. Good thing I took care of that one, so it's out of the question.
"You could also run over a skunk - which would make it a roadkilled skunk - that I'd rather eat the rotten asshole out of."
AVGN: Did I just quote some lyrics? (sigh) Nevermind.
But there's also Crash Dummies on the Game Boy, as well. And basically, it's just a bunch of minigames. One of them has you start out falling from a building, and are supposed to crash into as many things as possible. On the way down...
(the dummy goes splat!)
Was that supposed to happen? It's a game where you're a crash dummy who crashes into shit! How do you know when you die?!
The next screen that comes after says 'That was boring." Yep, I'll leave it at that. But I just can't help but add, "Now go back and have a smashing time!"
Are they trying to put in a pun? Or are they trying to fake a British accent? What a bunch of bullfuck. The rest of the minigames are all bleh, so to hell with them.
Then you've got its Super Nintendo incarnation, which is actually a simple side-scroller. With 16-bit graphics, you'd think they'd shift the quality to the next gear, but they cut corners instead. Fair gameplay takes a back seat to this half-assed piece of shit that eventually lets the air out of your tires till you crash and burn.
(start gameplay)
Gotta keep jumping! Unh! Gotta keep climbing! Unh!
Aw goddammit, my legs are gone! How the fuck am I gonna clear this stage with no fucking legs?!
Okay, okay, getting there, and-oh you asshole!
(end gameplay)
There's also a Genesis version, and it's actually pretty identical. I mean, it was typical of a claim to put the same game on both consoles while only putting the LJN stamp on its Super Nintendo cover; but this was actually a rare case on the Genesis. Even though the LJN is nowhere to be seen on the box or cartridge, it does appear on the copyright screen. And to my knowledge, it's the only Genesis game where the LJN name ever showed up.
Since these games are so identical, as I've said before, I was on the fence whether it should be counted twice. If not, that would bring our total of number of 67 LJN games down to 66. Or would you say, and identical game half-counts? 0.5? Or would you say, more than half-counts? A 0.6? There's 66.6 LJN games. Wait, 666, that's means-
(the Nerd hears some noises from the backyard, and goes outside; he soon discovers the demon and SMDC3K from the SMB3 episode in the midst of fighting)
SMDC2K: Fucker! Fucke-
AVGN: Come on, knock it off!
(both stop and leave, prompting the Nerd to go back inside)
SMDC2K: Shit...
AVGN: (once inside the Nerd Room again) Besides, I ain't playing this putrid pile of vomit again, because I might rant and fucking rave like I just did.
Revolution X - SNES
Then we have a game called Revolution X on Super Nintendo, which was originally an arcade title. The plot here is some crazy shit; some dictatorship called the New Order Nation, or NON, bans all video games and media.
But can they also ban Superman 64, Dark Castle and Action 52? Should have banned all of these fucking games!
'As one of the last surviving free youth, you must battle New Order forces to get backstage at Club X to meet Aerosmith where together you will build the Revolution!'
Aerosmith! The band AEROSMITH is in this game!
You'd think because they were such a big part they would've appeared more prominently on the box art, and not just the boring Revolution X lego. Their music is also all over it, and I didn't even know the Super Nintendo was capable of emulating those songs with such clarity! Just listen!
(Eat The Rich plays in the arcade game, followed by it being played on the SNES)
And if that's not enough, Steven Tyler gives you mission briefings like this:
'If you're watching this, then they've taken over. It's up to you now, find our car, and stop the New Order Nation. Remember, music is the weapon.'
(Steven proceeds to throw some car keys to the player, to which they catch it)
Holy fuck! Steven Tyler is talking to me through my Super Nintendo! This blurs the line between awesome and ridiculous. It's a game where you start a revolution by using...music? Love and peace? ...No? BY FUCKING MURDERING EVERYONE!
(start gameplay)
Time to shoot down that piece of shit! Oh, it won't get destroyed? Whatever, let's move on. Allright we're now on the rooftop of Club X and some NON dudes are after my ass. Say hello to my little friend, motherfucker!
Holy shit, flaming laserdiscs! Time to turn the heat up to eleven! Burn, baby, BURN!
(end gameplay)
I mean, this can't be real. You just shoot everything! All you do in this game is to destroy! You even shoot bad guys in a strip club and the dancers keep dancing.
(start gameplay)
While I kill more of those cocksuckers, I gotta get the babes out of the cages. Yeah, they'll be thanking me with a blowjob afterwards. And probably some hot sex, too!
(end gameplay)
I ain't seeing this, man. Both this and the arcade version even have blood!
'Tear down the wall!'
You mean like, the Berlin Wall? Ohhh, I see, there's a wall of televisions with this chick insulting you and all the enemies you've come across looking to kill you for probable vengeance!
Now we're Living on the Edge! Janie's Got a Gun, allright! Sweet Emotion? More like Sweet Ammunition! That's what they should've done; if you're gonna have an Aerosmith shoot-em-up game, you might as well play it up. Could have had a whole soundtrack!
(start fake commercial, interspersed with game footage from all of the levels)
'Revolution X!'
It's Revolution X, the hot new album from Aerosmith! Packed with songs to take down the New Order Nation with! Featuring songs such as 'Love Is An Epic Slaughter', 'Talk Is Cheap (Shut Up And Die)', 'Dude Looks Like He's Dead Now', 'Take Me To The Homicide', 'Eat The Bitches', 'Scream On' and 'Brains Kept A Rollin'! Revolution X! Order now by dialing this number! 1-719-266-2837! Ain't gonna repeat that bullshit to you, so hurry the fuck up and call before Steven starts screaming in your ear to do it!
In a somewhat ironic twist in 1995, Acclaim, one of the brands behind Revolution X, performed an exorcism on the LJN name. Thus, it it was gone for five years like a demon seeking a new host. It found another console to invade: the Sega Dreamcast, and thus emerged the final appearance of the unholy sign, the unholy rainbow in the dark.
Look at that logo in pure Dreamcast glory.
(ends up taking a deep breath) You know, I'm gonna miss reviewing LJN games. (beat) No, I'm not. (proceeds to pick up the Dreamcast controller)
The Spirit of Speed - Dreamcast
LJN's final game is The Spirit of Speed, a racing game that takes place in 1937 during the Great Depression. So I guess, maybe if you're really into classic cars of that time period, it might be sort of appealing.
But Jesus Christ, give me Mario Kart or F-Zero and day! Even as far as realistic racing games go, this is more like early Playstation or N64 than Dreamcast. Spirit of Speed, my ass! More like Spirit of Slowing the Fucking Cars Down! You're always handling like you're dragging 20 tons of bowling balls and donkey dung! You're like, trudging through farmlands and dull green and gray colors wash over your senses.
(start gameplay)
Ugh, speed the fuck up, you lazy bum! Oh my god, how long is this gonna take?!
(end gameplay)
Wait, 10 laps?! Are you fucking kidding me?! This is something you'd play if you want to go to sleep.
(during the next bit of gameplay the Nerd falls asleep, dropping the controller; the screen briefly goes black with the words 'some time later...' before returning to the Nerd, who's now awake)
There's almost nothing to say about it, I can't work with this! But you know what? I just completed the whole LJN library! I think it's about time I call up a few friends and plan something big.
(the screen goes black, and the credits begin to roll featuring the cast from all the previous episodes as follows)
Cast
Guitar Guy / Bugs Bunny / Jason Voorhees / Freddy Krueger
(but suddenly, a record scratch as we catch up with the Nerd again; he stares into the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde game for a moment, and a callback from the beginning pipes up)
"This game sucks."
(Nerd is then driving to a building called the 'LJN Game Factory', which appears to be dilapidated; once he arrives, he gets out, and smiles as he greets two familiar faces)
AVGN: Mike, Bootsy, long time no see.
Mike: Same to you.
Bootsy: So you're ready to take down LJN once and for all?
AVGN: You know it! All this time they've been cashing in so many things at the time, just to make money; and it all resulted in half-assed game after half-assed game. As I've said before, quality over quantity.
(before long, Nerd, Mike and Bootsy set up a ton of dynamite inside the building, and once everything's said and done...)
Bootsy: Three...
Mike: Two...
AVGN: One!
All three: Yippee Kai-yay motherfucker!
(they activate the dynamite, and the factory blows up; after the explosion, the trio, having narrowly escaped the possibility of being blown to smithereens, look on with smiles, but Nerd then considers the thought of leaving)
Mike: Hey, Nerd, where you going?
AVGN: I think everything's said and done, and I think being the Nerd is over...after all these years.
Bootsy: But it's been a hell of a long run for you. Even if you had a bit of a dork age.
AVGN: Thanks, guys.
(he then hugs them, before he takes off; before going to his car, he walks to an open field, and discovers an orange sky; the sun is clearly setting, but he also sees one more thing: the LJN logo; as it slowly disintegrates, James looks on, with a sense of accomplishment, and a sense of hope)
AVGN: Farewell.
(he uses his middle finger to salute them, before leaving for good)
(the screen goes black, and the credits finally begin to roll featuring the cast from all the previous episodes as follows, complete with thumbnails)
Cast
Guitar Guy / Bugs Bunny / Jason Voorhees / Freddy Krueger
Spider-Man / Shit Pickle / Jimmie Jim Slugg / Chop Top
Leather Face / Michael Myers / Trick R Treaters / Ghosts of Xmas
Cowardly Lion / SMDC2K / Demon / Boo
Klingon / Metron / Joker / Franken Nerd
Where Did U Learn to Fly? / Nerdy Turd / Ninja / Glitch Gremlin
Famicom Transformer / Wrestling Cartridge / Beer Droid / R.O.B.
Lloyd Kaufman / Pat / Mr. Rigs / Howard Scott Warshaw
Movie Cast / Seaman / Keith Apicary / Genie
Nerd's Dad / Pizza Boy / Aladdin / Pepsi Man
TV Game Guy / Fred Fuchs / Seamus Blackley / Matt McMuscles
Boundary Break Guy / Blood Stain Bears / Goblin / Charlie
Robo Darkman Nerd / Dr. Gonzo / Not Tom Cruise / Shrek Cult
Spawn Clown / TV Asshole / Mr. Lobo / Santa
and of course, the Nerd!
(next is as follows, interspersed with clips)
Achievements
100 % LJN Takedowns
75% Shits Taken
0% Fucks Given
Conglaturations
For Being Super Fans!
Producted by
ScrewAttack
GameTrailers
Justin Silverman*
Editid by
James Rolfe
Kieran*
Writen and
starring
James Rolfe
Gamplay by
Mike Matei
Game desinged by
Sam Beddoes
Opening song by
Kyle Justin
End credit muzic by
Epic Game Music
(*indicates a yeah, right)
Thanks to
Mike Matei, Kyle Justin, Bootsy,
and everyone
who has ever appeared in
or worked on a Nerd episode.
Thank you
for watching
all these years!
(and the very last clip is the beginning of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde episode)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And now, the shout-outs.
First is to AVGN MEGAFAN for his Youtube video that served as an inspiration behind this fic, though I had added a few bells and whistles to the mix.
watch?v=rgZqrKICmZk
And second is to Plinio for the kickass rap song, also on Youtube! It helped me get through making this thing from beginning to end!
watch?v=VjJF777uXe4
Finally, a shout-out to all the Cinemassacre Truthers out there, with their own Reddit thread. Keep doing your thing!
r/TheCinemassacreTruth/
I'm also more than happy to accept reviews and criticism: if you want to see something added or fixed, let me know.
With love for my fans,
Chrissy