أحيانا نتمنى ان تنام كي ننسى وأحيانا نتمني ان ننسى "كي تنام
Sometimes we wish to sleep so we can forget. And sometimes, we wish to forget so we can sleep.
_
His patience was thinning, it was not his cup of tea. He tried to peek at him, and could not look away again, that frown on Naruto's face was making him laugh inside. It looked like a child trying to concentrate on something and still not getting anything. The expression on his face always surprised Sasuke, how they never hesitated to show up, making it clear for the world to see how he was feeling and how he was not liking it or how he was loving it.
He realized he was staring at Naruto, and Naruto was aware of it too because he was looking down at him with a question in his eyes.
His back was against the front desk in Naruto's office, and the wooden floor creaked whenever he moved a little. He didn't know why he was sitting on the floor. He just liked the feeling of it, looking outside the window which at the moment was in front of him. Beside him, Naruto was sitting on his desk chair, waiting for his answer. When he offered none, Naruto smiled at him and reached up to offer his hand, nodding for him to stand. Sasuke quirked his brow, a hint of a gentle tug on his lip, took his hand…
Was it something Naruto had said? He was not sure as he was too immersed in his thoughts. They were standing on side of the lake. Sun was rising and created an orange-red hue on the horizon, paling the complexion of the sky to the light color of blue. There was no sign of any wind blowing but he could hear the chirping of birds.
"You know, there were times when I thought to give up on revenge, sometimes… I felt so tired and exhausted that I wanted to forget everything, this village, this haunted life, and the voices in my head that kept telling me to avenge them. I wanted a coward way out and just run, run far away from this shinobi world, to go somewhere where no one knew what was Uchiha clan and how it was massacred and erased from this world except me" Sasuke said suddenly, not caring what Naruto was saying when he cut him off.
His face was blank as usual but he knew Naruto was aware of his emotions. Naruto didn't say anything back. Sasuke glanced at him to see he was staring ahead at the horizon, there was something nostalgic in his eyes, which made Sasuke wonder what he was remembering.
"I remember the day, when someone bullied me in the street and called me a freak" Naruto spoke, his voice cool and steady, he was still looking ahead. "It was usual back then, I stopped caring after some time, yet I cried that day in my bed. I did not want to become Hokage then, I wanted to quit and run away too. I told people to believe me when I didn't even believe in myself. But that day I wanted everyone to forget me and my dream not that anyone remembered it but still…" he drifted off.
He looked at Sasuke who was staring at him, his black void eyes boring into his blue ones. Then Naruto's face morphed into a slow grin and hooked his arm around Sasuke's neck.
"Well, it was sometimes, not all the time? Right! Other times I believed in myself and was hell-bent on bringing your ass back and look I succeeded." His grin was becoming cheeky and Sasuke huffed, feeling the annoyance creep back.
"And you are the same old idiot. So that helps too" Sasuke smirked.
"What did ya say, you bastard" Naruto hollered.
It felt like someone tried to shock him with a jolt of electricity. His hand was hanging there uselessly to greet, the glove on it was torn. His legs felt like lead, it was hard to move even a little bit. His clothes were covered with dirt. Was I dreaming? He mused.
"Sasuke… what are you doing here? And… why are you sitting on the floor?" he looked up to find Kakashi peering down, there was confusion and worry in his eyes. It was becoming common to see these emotions on everyone's face these days.
"I… was waiting for you, to give you this report" he stood up, hissing when he felt his leg felt burning.
"I think you should visit the hospital first, you don't look well" Kakashi answered instead.
"I am fine, my clothes are just torn apart, I'll change once I get over this with this report" he rounded the desk and put his scroll down.
"Hey Naruto, you idiot! Get back here" Sasuke was trying Naruto to stop for half an hour but he was not listening to a single word he said. They were supposed to train but Naruto in the middle of the spar started running toward the forest and hills, claiming that he wanted to go to this spot where he used to fishing in childhood. It was so sudden, that Sasuke was confused beyond belief. So, he started following him and tried to stop him but to no avail.
After ten more minutes Naruto came to a sudden halt. Sasuke barely stopped himself from knocking on his back. They were on some kind of hill and there was a lake with big rocks in it, and the bank was covered with bushes. Sasuke saw nothing out of ordinary. He looked around but paused in his inspection when he saw Naruto's still form and stiff shoulder.
Sasuke was not sure he wanted to know what was going on in his mind and settled on waiting for his explanation. Naruto came out of his stupor after a minute and looked at Sasuke like it was the first time he saw someone. Sasuke wanted to punch him to get him out of this dream-like haze because it sure looked like Naruto was trapped in one.
"Will you stop that?" he snapped. Naruto blinked.
"Stop what?" he finally replied.
"Staring at me like I am some kind of ghost, dumbass" Sasuke glared at him.
"Oh, sorry" He mumbled "for a second I thought you were not real" Naruto laughed nervously, his hand behind his head.
"What the hell does that supposed to mean?" Sasuke was now sure that Naruto has finally lost it.
"Nothing… I used to come here to fish and I have a lot of memories here, let's fish! It's been so long since I fished and missions are boring these days, man I swear, if grandmother gave me these kinds of D rank missions again I won't be able to stand it" Naruto kept rambling forgetting his odd behavior, making Sasuke confused once again. Sasuke wanted to ask him about it but stopped and went on with his plan.
They fished for five hours and Sasuke felt blissful in those hours, passing insults and challenging each other. They were back to normal teenagers even if it was for a few hours.
Life was cruel, that much Sasuke knew when he saw his family die in front of him. It was unfair to the point he had stopped counting and caring. It was a cruel bitch when he learned the truth about his brother. The irony! And when he came back to his village he knew better than to hope. He thought life couldn't get any worse than it already was. Oh, how wrong he was. It could and it did.
"Hey, Sasuke, promise me something, will ya" Naruto splashed water at him. The heat was scorching and Sasuke felt the sun burning his back. They were at the lake after a whole morning of work, they decided to take a break.
"Promise what?" Sasuke quirked his eyebrow at him, splashing water back at him.
"When I die, you will be the first one to offer a flower on my grave" Naruto was playing with water, and his gaze on Sasuke was unwavering. For a moment Sasuke forgot what he was doing and looked at Naruto silently. He was at the loss of words.
"Where is that coming from? What? Are you going to commit suicide? Is that it?" Sasuke's voice was light like he was joking, bringing a nonchalant expression on his face to hide from Naruto how disturbed he was from this. But he knew Naruto was no fool and knew exactly what he was doing.
"Naah, I am no coward and you know that, I just have a feeling that I'm gonna die before you, you better be ready." Naruto winked but Sasuke glared at him. "You know, my last wish" Naruto whispered but Sasuke's trained ears heard it all the same.
"Then forget it…your last wish, cause' I'm not letting you die that easily, you still owe me a lot" he snapped "I won't let you get off the hook anytime soon." Sasuke was glaring at him, his fist clenched. He got out of the water and sauntered off. Naruto kept calling him but there was only one thing screaming in his mind. My last wish.
He had lost track of time and place until he realized he was at the same lake. It was the first time he came here after Naruto's death. Sasuke looked up at the sky and saw the grey clouds moving, the wind howling, announcing the heavy rain on the way. He did not know why he was here and how he even didn't realize it until reaching there. This seemed to surprise him less and less with the passing days.
"I once saw him here before he died" the voice startled Sasuke and he looked for the source of it. He should've known better than to let his guard down. Does it really matter though? A voice in his head spoke. Ten feet apart stood Konohamaru, his blue bandanna was tied around his neck, his eyes boring into Sasuke's.
Sasuke once or twice got him as a partner in missions after coming back to the village. He found him to be looking up to Naruto as his ideal. He barely knew him otherwise.
"I asked him why was he here and he just smiled at me and sat down at that rock over there" Konohamaru continued not caring if Sasuke replied to him or not, pointing at the big rock which was at the center of the lake. Sasuke kept quiet, trying to choke off the lump which got stuck in his throat. The rain had started, soaking him rather quickly.
"Then after five minutes, he answered me" Sasuke saw his hair sticking to his eyes as tears ran down his face. His hands were shaking as he clenched them into a fist. His lips were trembling as though he was trying to muffle his scream.
Sasuke felt no better than him, his bones felt cold and his head was heavy with the weight of this pain he was carrying around since his family died.
It was raining that day. More like a stormy rain. It was pouring since the last night. His stomach growled once again. It was growling for the past hour. There was no sign of the rain stopping any soon.
Naruto was tired of this rain. He was hungry since yesterday. He had no money left in his frog purse. Not even a dime. Not only he couldn't go buy any food but the rain was making it hard for him to leave his one-room apartment to go search for any food.
He tied the shoelace with his tiny eight-year-old hands and wrapped the scarf around his neck. He took the only umbrella he had and opened his door. A cold wind gusted in through the door leaving Naruto breathless for a second. It was the fall season, yellow leaves littered the alley and there was no sign of anyone there. Why would someone go out in this terrible rain? Naruto thought miserably.
He had made up his mind. He was going to fish. He knew it was a terrible idea. But he was sick of waiting and then just waiting. He had to eat something. He knew he could get sick and he didn't like the idea of it. He stepped out and closed the door behind him. Yes, he knew everything, and yet…
He kept walking until he reached the training ground and looked around the hills standing there to the west. He turned and suddenly a gush of air knocked his umbrella off his grip. He cursed and picked it up only to see that one side of it was torn. He frowned and threw it away. It was a bad idea too only Naruto had no idea how bad it was.
He kept walking till he reached the side of the lake. Bushes around it were shaking like they would tear out from the root. Rain was stinging on his face, his teeth were chattering and his lips were turning blue from the cold. His whole body was shivering like a leaf.
He made his hook ready with bait with his cold hands and threw it in the water. Water in the lake was sloshing around like a madman and it was getting blurry for his eyes to see. Naruto knew he could die, a part of him had known this since he stepped out in the rain. And this part agreed to this and wanted him to die.
He was tired of this loneliness, this aching heart always wanting someone's company, to simply share meals with him and someone waiting for him to welcome home. People stared and they whispered, calling him a freak and demon, telling their kids to stay away from him. Kids at the academy calling him a loser and no one giving him any attention, he was exhausted from all this.
Suddenly his gaze fell on a fish, it was a small golden fish. It was near the shore, Naruto threw the hook away and tried to grab the fish with his bare hands. He was feeling his head rolling, and his eyes swimming. He was losing control of his consciousness yet he chased the fish not giving up. Water was freezing him down and he felt his breath lose control. His lungs felt like they were on fire yet cold.
He could no longer see the fish as he fell into the water. It was filling in his mouth and lungs, no longer leaving any room for air to pass. His eyes shut down and cold was numbing his body.
He felt so goddamn alone.
I don't want to die alone.
--
His body felt like it was shredded to pieces. His throat burned and his lungs were… he was coughing up water in waves, it was going out of his nose even. His eyes stung when he tried to open them. He closed them immediately and felt for something in his hand to have a clue where he was. There was sand… wet sand? No, it was water, with sand in it. He took his hand further and felt leaf texture on it. Where am I exactly? He tried to remember and then it all came crashing down. He had drowned!
Was he in heaven? Did he really die? Then why did it hurt so bad? Questions were swimming in his mind. He tried to open his eyes again but slowly this time. After some effort, he finally opened them and the first thing he saw was a clear blue sky. He looked around and was shocked to see the same lake where he had drowned. Is this how it is supposed to be in the afterlife?
He felt his head throbbing and realized he was not dead at all. It was all real, the lake didn't swallow him. He couldn't guess how many hours he was out cold, maybe day or half day or maybe a few hours. He settled for a few hours because his clothes were still wet and cold. He was at the shore, lying near a bush.
He sat up wincing hard when he felt pain racing through his every fiber. The sun was at least out, he thanked Kami.
Why? His brain couldn't fathom it. Why couldn't I just die? I can't even die now! He chuckled bitterly. He waited for his clothes to dry off a little and decided to leave.
He stood in front of the ramen shop, hoping once again that the ramen guy would give him free ramen.
"Hey Naruto, what are you doing outside, come here, have ramen, it's on the house today. The rain finally stopped this morning so I decided to give ramen for free. You should have come sooner I was especially waiting for you" the Ramen guy was speaking enthusiastically. Naruto was too stunned to reply. He just came back from a near-death experience. He hardly had any time to think and just sat on the stool and waited for his bowl.
That night when he went to bed he was full. He ate ramen as much as he could and grinned while talking to the ramen guy. He had still this huge grin on his face. That was the day he decided to go to that lake whenever he got the chance. Because he was given a second chance at life there and he was not going to waste it at any cost. He had yet to become Hokage!
"What did he say?" Sasuke finally croaked. He couldn't believe his voice when he heard the feeble volume of it. It was weak and his tongue felt like lead. Konohamaru smiled bitterly.
"He had nearly drowned himself here in this lake when he was eight, but Kyuubi didn't let him die, so he started coming to this lake as a reminder of why he was still alive and eventually it became one of his favorite places" Konohamaru was now full-on sobbing, his breath hitching as he tried to breathe between hiccups.
Sasuke felt his breathing stop for a moment. Naruto had attempted suicide, why was that so surprising? He always thought Naruto to be the strong one, living through hell yet never breaking down. How had I taken him for granted? Sasuke didn't resist it when he felt tears prick his eyes and let them fall. The rain was here to wash them anyway.
"Hey, if you ever miss me, come to this lake, I'll be here, because even if I am not here anymore my memories are still here"
إن غداً نسيتني
فأنا لن أنساك أبداً
If tomorrow you forget me
I will never forget you.