Author's Notes:
Okay, okay, I know this fic kinda pokes fun at Sailormoon, but I just felt like doing it for the heck of it. It's not that I hate the show; it's my favorite. I just felt like doing something different from the more serious stuff I write. It's something to work on between "Dark Skies, Bright Heavens"... the parts I've been working on are rather depressing, so I need something more lighthearted or I'll go nuts o.O
You should know by now the usual disclaimers, so I'm not going to bother saying them again. I'm taking all sorts of liberties with the storyline of this... hey, it makes things more interesting, okay?!
This story is written in script format rather than a more novel-type format.
To understand what's written:
BOB: Ladeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle." BOB (sighing): Ladeedoodle. = Bob sighed, and said "Ladeedoodle." [BOB merrily ladeedoodled before falling over] = Describing how Bob ladeedoodled until he fell over. All names in a description (and before words) are in capitals for no apparent reason. BOB V.O.: Ladeedoodle. = Bob isn't onscreen, but you hear him say "Ladeedoodle" as clearly as he would if there. BOB: La_dee_doodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "dee" syllable emphasized. The _ _ basically denotes underlining, and underlining in writing means you would italicize when typing it up. BOB: Ladeedoodle *groan*. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" and groaned. A groan is not something you can write out... how often do you see "ermmmnn" written in instead of "groan"? * * around a vocalization means it is something that can't just be written out. BOB: LaAAADdeeEeeDoOooDdllLlEeee. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle," his pitch changing back and forth and his volume as well as he spoke. BOB: Laaaaadeedoodle. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" with the "La" syllable very long. BOB: LADEEDOODLE. = Bob said "Ladeedoodle" very loudly; not the same as emphasizing.
Well, that should clear things up, right? RIGHT?!
Check out my website, The World of Immora: http://come.to/immora
Thanks to everyone who commented on the first part of this story! ^-^
Hey, don't forget to take the survey, everyone. I need feedback so I know what to write! As for e-mail... immora@crosswinds.net. That's nice and all, but... Please take the survey!
Have fun reading the story... oh yes, to all non-Outer Senshi fans: you suck (j/k), and you won't enjoy this fic. I absolutely ADORE the Outer Senshi, and it shows. I also adore three certain characters that will appear, although it may not seem obvious by the way I portray them. Hey, their wackiness is part of the appeal, right? I DO like Minako, even though I made her the typical valley girl-type ditz.
**********************************************************************
[usual music starts up]
PLUTO V.O.: Today on Pathetic Senshi Sailormoon... We go to the movie theater...
[clips of EVERYONE eating popcorn and watching the screen]
PLUTO V.O.: ... run into some... interesting old "friends"...
[clips of three figures standing and waving to a shocked HOTARU]
PLUTO V.O.: ... get into fights over the popcorn...
[clips of MAKOTO and REI struggling for control of the bucket]
PLUTO V.O.: ... try to get our lovely little couple to control themselves until a more romantic opportunity presents itself...
[clips of REI and HOTARU having to hold their hands over HARUKA and MICHIRU's mouths to keep them from kissing]
PLUTO V.O.: ... and try to survive the rest of the movie.
[clips of MAKOTO crying over someone onscreen]
PLUTO V.O.: Author... what were you thinking?! Ugh!...
[fade out]
T.V. PRODUCER: Mmmkay, we're going to have a lovely rendition of the Stars theme song now... by, of course, our own Usagi... waitaminute, isn't she dead?
AUTHOR: Yup, but she's doing the song anyways!
USAGI [singing to the tune of the Stars theme]: So defeatable! For tomorrow, an English test! I'll fail! Yet again! I am lame You can hear me cry anywhere in the galaxy.
Because I cry and wail unendingly, An unending journey to escape me persists.
My teeth yellowed with stains, because I don't know how to brush Is it any wonder that people can't stand it when I open my mouth?
My limbs tremble from collapsing yet again. No matter how easy it is, I will continue to somehow screw up.
Don't grieve, you're not as stupid as me! I envy you, I'm such an idiot! This song is really silly.
So defeatable! For tomorrow, an English test! I will fail! I won't pass this grade! I am lame! Falling over on my face.
WAY TOO HYPER ANNOUNCER V.O.: And now, on with the show!
[Screen flashes all sorts of colors and the episode title appears]
MOON V.O.: CAN'T... STAY... AWAKE! SAILOR TEAM GOES TO THE MOVIES!
[clips of all the SENSHI standing around a van]
HOTARU: Ummm... where did this van come from? Does the author realize what country we're in?
MAKOTO: Aw, who cares? Let's just go to the movies.
HOTARU: *ahem* You forget who you speak to!
MAKOTO: So sorry, oh great Outer Senshi!!
HOTARU: Much better!
[The INNERS start trying to pry the door open, pushing and shoving. The OUTERS are clearly exasperated at this. HARUKA finally steps forward]
HARUKA: You kinda have to _unlock_ the door first.
[HARUKA turns the key in the lock and opens the door]
INNERS: Ooooohhhh yeeeeeaaaahhhh....
[INNERS pile into the van's back bench]
MAKOTO: Man, it's crowded in here!
SETSUNA: Well, the two middle seats are for Hotaru and I, and Haruka will obviously drive, Michiru in the passenger, so you will have to squash in if you want to go at all.
[OUTERS take their seats. HARUKA starts the van and they drive off for the theater]
MINAKO: Like, where did those, like, kitties go?
AMI: Who cares?
REI: This story isn't supposed to make sense, remember?
MAKOTO: Speaking of not making sense... Now that Usagi is dead, how are we supposed to have a Crystal Tokyo without a Neo-Queen Serenity?
[Everything goes Sil-- um, dead quiet, blue, with little birds flying, then a "hwwwoooo" sound goes by]
MINAKO: Oooowwww, my head hurts! Too much, like, thinking!
AMI: Um... that _is_ an interesting question...
REI: We'll just have to find a new queen!
MINAKO: YEAH!! Me me me me--
HOTARU: I think that an Outer Senshi would be better suited, don't you agree?
MINAKO (grumbling): Yeaaahhhh...
MAKOTO: But who?!
HARUKA: Michiru would make a great queen. She's got all the smarts, the charm, the good looks...
MICHIRU (blushes): Hee hee, no no, I don't want the responsibility... Setsuna-san?
SETSUNA: *yawns* I got the Gate, remember?
HOTARU: I'LL DO IT!!! Yayyyy!
[Hotaru's eyes light up and a spotlight hits her]
HOTARU: Finally... I get a chance at fame!... I get to have some characteri- zation... *gasp* Maybe I'll even get a henshin sequence!!!
SETSUNA: I don't know about _that_...
HOTARU (singing a bit): I get to be queen, I get to be queen... This is going to be so much fun!
MINAKO (singing): The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round...
HARUKA: Shut up.
[Suddenly, it is quiet]
MICHIRU: So, what movie shall we see? I am actually stooping so low as to asking for the opinions of you, the Inner Senshi.
HOTARU: Are you alright, Michiru-mama?
SETSUNA: What's wrong with you?
HARUKA: Hey, anyone would be a little nutty trying to hold back as long as she has. Do you know just how hard it is for her to keep her hormones under control this long?
INNERS: Huh? What is that supposed to mean???
MICHIRU: Just ignore that.
INNERS: Ok.
MICHIRU: So, as far as movies... ?
[The van fills with noise as the INNERS start shouting their movie choices. The OUTERS wisely cover their ears]
HOTARU: Let's see something with _plot_.
MINAKO: Like, that's like, such a, um, idea!... Er, or something.
SETSUNA: I feel like seeing something with a bunch of nicely ripped, tanned men's bodies on display a lot.
[The INNERS go wild. HARUKA and MICHIRU shudder]
MICHIRU: Could we perhaps make a compromise?
HARUKA: Pleeeeease? If you're gonna make us see... *groan* men, the movie should have something that would interest us, too.
SETSUNA: Let's just figure it out when we get there.
[And so, they get there]
MAKOTO: Wow, look at all the choices!
REI: They sound so... weird.
* Slightly-Painful Weapon 4 * Moderately Fast But Not Too Speedy 2 * Robbin' Food: Porkers in Knee-Highs * Star Track 5,426,738 * Hope Flops * Monty Cobra and the Unholy Cup * A Movie With a Bunch of Tanned Guys and a Cute Lesbian Couple
AMI: Hmmm... The titles of all but the last seem to be parodied off real movies.
SETSUNA: Aw, hell, the last one sounds okay... as long as I get my tanned guys, I don't care.
MAKOTO: Woo hoo! Cute guys, here we come!
[ALL pay for tickets and go to the snack counter]
MINAKO: Ooooo, let's get popcorn, let's get popcorn, let's get-- OWWW!!
[MAKOTO bopped MINAKO on the head hard]
MAKOTO: Will you _ever_ shut up?
[ALL buy various snack items, such as popcorn, candy, soda... Then they head into the theater and grab center seats]
AMI: Oooo, a commercial for a brand new type of laptop computer... wow, it comes with a Pentium II processor! It supports quantum functions, a dilithium matrix with sublight generating capibilities, a hyper-flux capacitator with a ju--
[There's a loud THWACK as HOTARU smacks AMI on the head with the blunt end of her Sil--- um, her glaive]
HOTARU: Quiet!
AMI: Yes, my queen... I shall close my mouth now, I will remain in utter silence as you--
HOTARU: YAAHHHH!!!
HARUKA: Ohhhh, NOW you've done it!
[OUTERS wisely dive to the floor, MAKOTO and REI following suit.]
[HOTARU raises her glaive and starts shouting wildly. The other movie- goers don't know what to make of it. AMI cowers, unsure of what to do]
HOTARU: Yaaah!!! The SILENCE! The SILENCE! NINE NINE NINE--
AMI: Waaahhh! I didn't mean to say that word!
[HOTARU raises her glaive and the other SENSHI run for their lives while AMI is too terrified to move. It could all end here...]
[But the AUTHOR decides to intervene]
AUTHOR: C'mon, Hotaru-chan, you don't really want to do that...
HOTARU: I DON'T?! Oh geez, you really CONTROL ME!!
AUTHOR: Er... On second thought...
[AUTHOR runs away with the others]
AMI: MOMMY!!!
HOTARU: SILENCE...
AMI: OurfatherwhoartinHeavenhallowedbeThynameThykingdomcomeThywillbedone--
HOTARU: GLAIVE...
AMI: HailMaryfullofgraceThelordiswithyouBlessedartthouamongwomen--
[Suddenly three strange men pop in, dressed in wild, outlandish outfits, with funny hair, black dots in the center of their foreheads, and clothes that border on drag. HOTARU drops her glaive in shock]
HOTARU: What the fuck?!
1ST MAN: Um... where are we? Why is this girl screaming like she's crazy?
2ND MAN: Ex-a-cus-a me... What toime ees it nouw?
3RD MAN: OOoo, where did you get that nice dress? That would look good on me!
[INNER SENSHI scream and faint]
HOTARU: Ummm... who are you? WHAT are you?
1ST: I am Hawkseye!
2ND: Tigerseye!
3RD: And I'm Fisheye!
ALL THREE: The Amazon Trio!
HOTARU: ... What kind of screwy names are those?!
[AUTHOR pops in]
AUTHOR: Rememeber Neherenia? She turned a hawk, a tiger, and a fish into the men you see here... Well, in the manga it was the Amazoness Quartet... but anyways... They were born animals, you see, but now have human forms.
HOTARU: The one in blue is a GUY?!
AUTHOR: Yes... And they appeared in the SuperS season, which YOU were not around to see, unless you count the manga--
HOTARU: Stop that.
AUTHOR: Yes, Hotaru-sama. Right away, Hotaru-sama.
[The AUTHOR cowers and hides in a corner. The AMAZON TRIO examines their surroundings]
HAWKSEYE: Where did everyone go?
REI: Well, they sort of ran in terror from Hotaru-sama here...
TIGERSEYE: Hotaru-sama?
REI: The short little girl standing near you in the black.
[TIGERSEYE jumps ten feet in the air when he sees HOTARU standing there, grinning at him, practically hyperventillates after landing, then...]
TIGERSEYE: Hey... you're kinda cute--
[The OUTERS somehow manage to simultaneously slap him. HAWKSEYE and FISHEYE laugh wildly]
HOTARU: Sorry, you're just a BIT far from being my type. I don't go for circus freaks.
TIGERSEYE (clutching swollen jaw): ooOOhhh muy bootiful fayze ooOooh...
MAKOTO: What are you three doing back anyways?
HAWKSEYE: Who knows? The author just makes whoever she wants appear and disappear with no real consideration as to the actual events of the series--
AUTHOR: HEY! Take that back or you'll be one of the disappearing characters!
HAWKSEYE: Yeah, yeah...
AUTHOR: Howsabout... a strange fluke occured when Hotaru-sama almost used her attack, somehow bringing you three back...
FISHEYE: Hey, as long as we're back!!... Now, where's my Mamo-chan?
HARUKA: She offed him last chapter. I ran over him!!!
FISHEYE: WHAT?! Damn you, you bitchy author you! NOOO!!
AUTHOR [whimpering]: But I don't like him!
FISHEYE: Could ya bring him back, just for me? Pleeeease? You don't have to show him onscreen or anything.
AUTHOR (sighing): But...
FISHEYE: Pleeeeease?
AUTHOR: But... but...
[FISHEYE makes puppy-dog eyes]
AUTHOR: DAMNIT! Why can't you be more... why are you so... grrrr... Fine. He's now alive... somewhere. You'll figure out where. But he won't appear, understand?! Unless someone else bribes me again... But the chances of that happening are slim. Well... Unless the Outer Senshi somehow decide... since I of course obey them and all...
FISHEYE: Thank you! THANK YOU!
HOTARU: Shoo, author, shoo.
AUTHOR (grumbling): Have no control over my own story... Yes, Hotaru-sama!
HOTARU: What's everybody standing around for? We came to see a movie, remember? Let's watch it!
SETSUNA: Care to join us, gentlemen?
TIGERSEYE: Sure. What's it about?
INNERS and SETSUNA: Really hot tanned guys--
HARUKA and MICHIRU: -- and a cute lesbian couple!
[The TRIO's attention is perked]
HAWKSEYE and TIGERSEYE: Lesbians?
FISHEYE: Hot tanned guys?
[The TRIO fights and shoves for a seat while the SENSHI calmly sit in their original seats]
[Just because I'm bored, here's the order of how they sit, left to right... that is, left when looking at them: Ami, Mina, Mako, Rei, Harukamichiru, Hotaru, Setsuna, Fish, Tiger, Hawk]
[Other patrons slowly return]
REI: Damn, I hate sitting through previews.
MAKOTO: Oh wait, cute guy on commercial!
[They stare with hearts in their eyes]
FISHEYE: Look at those pecs!
MAKOTO: Oh, I know!
[REI and MAKOTO look at FISHEYE, look at MINAKO, back to FISHEYE...]
ALL THREE: TRADE SEATS!
[They pick up MINAKO and stick her in FISHEYE's seat, and FISHEYE grins at them, reaching for the popcorn bucket]
REI: YEAAAHHH! Your hand is GREEN and SCALY!!!
FISHEYE: I was originally a fish, remember?
REI: ... Oh yeah. As long as it isn't slimy...
FISHEYE: Oh no! Not at all!
MAKOTO: Ooo, who does your nails? I love that color...
[SETSUNA is about to strangle the incessantly babbling MINAKO, who insists on flirting with TIGERSEYE... who isn't exactly discouraging it]
MINAKO: And so then I, like--
TIGERSEYE: Oh reeeeeally? Tell me mo--
SETSUNA and HAWKSEYE: Shut up!
[SETSUNA looks at HAWKSEYE, they look at MINAKO, back at each other...]
BOTH: TRADE SEATS!
[They pick up MINAKO and stick her in HAWKSEYE's seat, and she doesn't even stop talking]
HAWKSEYE: Ahhh... an intelligent person.
SETSUNA: And I'm gorgeous, too.
HAWKSEYE: Very. Say... how old are you?
SETSUNA: Well, let's see... not including all the time travelling, plus the Silver Millennium, exempting manga continuity...
HAWKSEYE (hearts in eyes): AN OLDER WOMAN!!!
SETSUNA: ... Er... Don't call me old... Hey, you're not that bad-looking. Maybe I could have a casual fling and break your heart. Or I could toy with you by being your friend yet subtley flirting, leading you to second guess my every word. Or I could make you my servant while never giving you the satisfaction of me even pretending to be interested in you...
HAWKSEYE: Your wish is my command, Setsuna-sama.
SETSUNA: Definitely the servant.
[EYE-CATCH for commercial break]
[SD SENSHI hop merrily around the screen, before everyone beats up the MOON and CHIBI-MOON ones]
[FIRST COMMERCIAL]
[Annoyingly cheerful music like the type they play during nature scenes in Looney Tunes starts up]
[A seemingly friendly guy with white hair, glasses, and a thinly striped shirt stands there. One lens is unusual, but he keeps on smiling]
GUY: Hello, everyone. Isn't it a lovely day out?
[Indicates cherry blossoms falling, blue sky, birds tweeting...]
GUY: Yes, it's a beautiful day, everyone is outside enjoying themselves... a perfect day...
[Shows people picnicking]
GUY: -- to TAKE OVER THE _WORLD_!!!
[He grabs a labcoat, spins around, and suddenly his glasses are glowing, his mouth becomming a strangely cartoony red grin]
TOMOE: YEEHAHAHAHA! Yes, that's right, it's Professor Tomoe! The so-called "mad scientist"... YEEHAHAHAHA! Well I'LL show you what being a scientist is REALLY like!!!
[TOMOE whips out lab equipment and the Daimon EZ Bake Oven(TM)]
TOMOE: That's right, little children, you can take this equipment home. You can create ALL SORTS OF CREATURES with it and perform crazy experiments! YEEHAHAHAHA! You can make your own DAIMONS WITH IT!!!
ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, Professor? Isn't that a bad idea? Giving kids the means to let lose daimons and all, they could inadvertantly take over the world, be brainwashed by the forces of evil...
TOMOE: YEEHAHAHAHA! We will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! Yeahahahaha... Ehahaha... YEEHAHAHAHA! For our mistress, we will BRING ABOUT THE SILE--
[EVERYONE dives to cover his mouth]
ANNOUNCER: You want to kill us all?!
TOMOE: Yeth! YETH! DYYYY POONEE MOHTALTH!
ANNOUNCER (sweatdropping): . . . . erm... Alrighty then! Order today, and receive your own free labcoat! Oooo, isn't that just cool? Call 1-800-VILLAINS. And please, be careful. You want to have fun, and you can't have fun if you destroy the world.
TOMOE: MASTAH FEROW NIDY VILL DAYK OVAH TZE VORRLD! TZE SYLENN--
[SECOND COMMERCIAL abruptly interrupts the ending of the first]
[A man stands at his barbeque, frantically trying to light it, while his disappointed family waits]
HUSBAND: This stuff is no good! The lighter doesn't have a big enough flame to get the lighter fluid going!
WIFE: Oh dear! How are we going to eat?
KIDS: Daddy, we're hungry!
HUSBAND: I'm sorry kids, it looks like we aren't going to be having barbeque.
WIFE (gasping and pointing): Wait! What's that?
[Two figures land on the grass, one carrying a strange apparatus and laughing like a maniac, the other in a short skirt, chanting "Fire! Fire!" in a Beavis and Butthead-type voice]
EUDIAL: Ehahahaha! Sooo, can't get the barbeque to work, eh?
MARS (standing by the barbeque): This barbeque will not let families go without dinner any longer! In the name of Mars, we will light a fire!!!
[EUDIAL hoists her flame-thrower and winks]
EUDIAL: The all-new Fire Buster 3000, based on previous Fire Busters, combining my techological ingeniuity with--
MARS: -- Mars FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
EUDIAL: Erm, ahem... yes... This flame thrower will shoot up to 100 feet! A burst of flame up to five feet wide!
MARS: And with the power of Mars behind, this baby's gonna cook your burgers in no time flat!
[EUDIAL aims the Fire Buster 3000 at the meat patties, taps the trigger lightly, and sends a searing burst of flame at them]
MARS: And look! Simple as that!
[EUDIAL beams as she gestures to the well-done meat]
HUSBAND: Such power!
WIFE: And look! It has a handy hook attachment for easy hanging in the kitchen!
EUDIAL: Don't forget, the special shape allows for easy carrying as well! No arm pains from long use; it's designed for comfort and control.
KIDS: Wow, thanks Mars! Thanks Eudial!
[MARS does a peace sign and winks]
MARS: Get your own Fire Buster 3000 today! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
[LAST COMMERCIAL]
[A sunny beach with a huge stretch of bright aqua water and white sand. The OUTER SENSHI lounge in long chairs, wearing swimsuits and sunglasses]
SETSUNA: Well well well... We're back! And we're BEEEE-yoootiful!
HOTARU: Yes we are!... Due to the over-whelming success of the Outer Senshi's Guide To Partial Success--
HARUKA: There's a LOT of _losers_ out there that actually bought it!
HOTARU: --Er, yes, due to the success of that product, we have decided to do a follow-up product so we can make even MORE money off you losers! MWAHAHAHA!
MICHIRU: You heard her right! We are going to give you another opportunity to attempt to be cool!
SETSUNA: This all-new package contains even more than the first! You'll be quite satisfied with it.
HOTARU: This time, we've separated things by which of us you aim to be the most like. You'll find products geared to attempting to copy our greatness.
SETSUNA: For instance, in my section, you'll find all sorts of exciting stuff. You'll get a really big watch with all sorts of useless features like the moon phases and the date and that junk. No one can go without my dress pattern book, especially designed for people who happen to be tall, thin, and well-developed like me... Ok, so you can't get any use out of it, big deal. Also included is really cheap dark green hair dye... do you think we care to research how to make decent hair dye?... And dark red contacts, which may or may not cause eye damage. An at-home tanning bed will surely assist you as you relax to the sound of me whacking someone over the head with my Time Key. Ahhhh... Includes "Simmer," "Bake," "Barbeque," and "Deep Fry" settings. Don't forget the plastic keychain that, believe it or not, looks like a key. My advice book on how to freak out people by being incredibly cryptic is included. Remember, "An empty stomach is not a good political advisor."
HOTARU: How could it be, it's a stomach!
SETSUNA: "The wise man knows many things, the shrewd one, many people."
HOTARU: Ok... For those of you antisocial, destructive types... You'll probably LOVE my selection! All sorts of neat black clothes, nearly genuine cybernetic parts-- thanks, Daddy! -- your very own jeweled amulet to help you with those coughing fits... Don't forget the SPF 900 sunblock to keep that lovely white face! Your very own can opener that looks almost like my glaive when you squint, some lovely metal hair ribbons that double as blades, and of course a projector so you can pretend to make holograms... wow! And some great recordings of pure quiet. Ah, what a nice sound! Don't forget to sign the papers giving me the right to your soul, as I will be your future queen, WOO HOO! ... Ahem, and don't forget my guide to purchasing lamps and scaring the shit out of people.
MICHIRU: Hotaru-chan, honey, you're scaring me. Well, anyways... I've included all sorts of pictures of the clothes I wear, all the jewelry I own, the accessories, etc., that way you can get an idea of what you should buy and realize that I own all sorts of expensive stuff you can't _possibly_ buy. Then, of course, is a cheesy, toy violin that plays several pre-recorded songs by you tapping it. Aren't you just the skilled little musician? You'll get a ton of make-up of really low quality, like in those cheap cosmetic sets for kids. Pathetic stuff. Then there's a set of 5 watercolors, a fat brush, and a piece of paper. Finally, recordings of me playing the violin much better than anyone else ever will, and a book you'll love, girls... Why I'm so much prettier than you, so much nicer than you, so much more attractive than you, and have all the guys you wished liked you instead flocking to _me_ despite the fact that they have no chance in hell at getting a date with me since I have no interest in men and already have the hottest girl in the world as my girlfriend.
HARUKA: Note to self: Kill guys that keep flocking to Michiru. Anyways ... for you racing fans, I have some photos of my many, many cars, videos of me racing them, and reasons why you could never do it. I've got all sorts of clothing tips in here, for both guys and girls. Hey, I wear all sorts of clothes, so I'm qualified to give advice, aren't I?!
MICHIRU: You're just going to tell them about the clothes you wear in public, I hope? Not the ones you sometimes wear when--
HARUKA: Shhhh!!! o_O;; Ahem. Ehehehe... Well, I also have one of those cheesy music books that comes with a dinky keyboard, y'know, those lame ones? For those of you who care, there's silver contacts-- and for you people that get a kick out of the teal, why not those, too? And Chlorox, of course, so you can attempt to have white hair... THANKS A LOT to Toei animation for _totally_ fucking up my hair and eye color for NO apparent reason when they were perfectly fine as they are, and making me always dress like a guy. What a BRILLIANT move that was... Enough of that, there's an interesting device that can make you look taller, if you don't mind the interesting twinges of pain in your back. Remember to research a good chiropractor and neurosurgeon. Plus, a book all about what makes me so hot and gorgeous and sexy... and you such an ugly, pathetic little twit.
MICHIRU (winking): I obviously helped her with the reasons.
HARUKA: Keep it up, maybe we'll have to throw in some of those videos--
MICHIRU: You wouldn't let everyone see those, would you?! o_O
HARUKA: Heh heh heh...
MICHIRU: I know you wouldn't. You're not THAT naughty.
HARUKA: I'm not that STUPID, you mean. I'm plenty _naughty_, you know that.
MICHIRU: Mmmm hmmm...
HARUKA: *growls*
MICHIRU: Oooo, Haruka! I love it when you do that!
SETSUNA and HOTARU: Uhhh... A bit more than we wanted to know.
HOTARU: Ignoring those strangely horny people... You will receive all this for just a minor cost!
SETSUNA: That's right! This time, you only have to give us all your energy, your heart crystal, your dream mirror, your star seed, the largest wad of cash you can find, a couple organs, 20 pints of blood, and your first-born child, plus you have to guess my nam-- wait a minute, this isn't Rumpelstiltskin... and you'll get everything!
MICHIRU: I don't think the human body has that much blood in it.
HOTARU: Ah well. Find a way to get 20 pints to us! And it all has to be YOURS, got it?
HARUKA: And if you act now, we'll throw in our interesting little guide to love. You'll feel pathetic about your love life, but hey, it'll help you possibly find a crush to admire from afar since you have no hope of approaching them and actually getting a date...
MICHIRU: Uh huh... Yes, and... Haruka, that doesn't have anything about _us_ and... certain activities, does it?
HARUKA: Oh... Well, forget about that guide then! I'll give you... a cookie. That's it.
MICHIRU: Yes, you'll a cookie.... You know, I'm hungry. Want a cookie, Hotaru? Setsuna?
[brief pause as they scramble for cookies]
MICHIRU: It's always a good time for a cookie. Haruka, you want a cookie?
HARUKA: Nawww... I don't want a cookie. Let's just leave, find a nice hotel suite, have mad passionate s--
[MICHIRU grabs HARUKA's hand and starts to run off with her]
HOTARU: HEY! We have to finish this commercial! You can go... um, go do that later!
SETSUNA: My my, those two need therapy so they can control themselves... Don't forget, the number to call is 1-800-OUTERS1. You'll be on hold "just a few minutes", but it's worth it!... Would you two stop making out?! HELLO?! If the camera was on you... sheesh... AHHH! ORDER NOW!!! STOP IT!!!
[EYE-CATCH for return from commericial break]
[BACK TO THE SHOW]
SETSUNA: What the-- I thought we had control over this thing now! What are we doing having COMMERCIALS?! Corporate lackeys, explain!
CORPORATATE LACKEY #1: B-b-but... B-b-but...
CORPORATATE LACKEY #2: We need the revenue! And this is still a show, even if you are following no known script!
C.L. 1: W-we j-just have no control!
C.L. 2: Yeah, the director has no say! But we need the money.
C.L. 1: Y-you c-can have a p-percentage of the p-profits...
SETSUNA: Fine, fine... I can't resist that bribe.
[The movie finally starts. The opening credits drag by, then a cute guy appears on screen. Screams can be heard all over the theater]
MAKOTO: EEEE! He's SO cute! Oh my God! Damn, forget my ass of a sempai, this guy is HOT!
REI: He sure is!... And good for you, Mako-chan!
MAKOTO: He's taking off his shirt! HE'S TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT!!!
[REI, MAKOTO, and FISHEYE are at the edges of their seats]
FISHEYE: Look at those eyes! Look at those muscles!!
ALL THREE: The perfect man!!!
[AMI, sitting and reading a book, glances at the screen]
AMI: What a healthy fellow.
[AMI would have been beaten to a pulp by screaming teenage girls if they weren't too busy watching the guy on screen]
MINAKO: Like, totally cute!
TIGERSEYE: What about ME?!
MINAKO: Oh yeah, you're cute. But he's, like, a different cute.
TIGERSEYE: My face is more beautiful!
MINAKO: ... Beautiful? Like, aren't you a guy? And beautiful is, like, for a girl?
[TIGERSEYE glares at her and crosses his arms in a huff]
SETSUNA: He still has too much on. Ugh, wimpy tan. Pffft! PATHETIC! TAKE IT OFF! FAKE A TAN WITH SELF TANNERS!
HAWKSEYE: Er, Setsuna-san? Isn't personality more important than looks?
SETSUNA: Shush, in the movies, it sure isn't. Be a dear and get me another soda.
HAWKSEYE: Alright.
HOTARU: You're funny, Setsuna-mama.
SETSUNA: Take notes, Hotaru-chan. When you're ruler of the Earth, you'll need to know this stuff.
HOTARU: Sure. Why not?... Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama, you aren't too bored, are you?
HARUKA and MICHIRU: Helllllp usssss!
HOTARU: Ha ha, ha ha, you're stuck watching this!
HARUKA (fuming): Excuse me?
HOTARU: Ack! Sorry, Haruka-papa! Power goes to your head... And geez, that commercial... Can you two CONTROL yourselves?!
MICHIRU (grumbling): If you're going to make us sit through this, we deserve to have--
HOTARU: Let's NOT discuss that! Geez... get some popcorn or candy or something, just control yourselves!!!
[FISHEYE peeks over at them]
FISHEYE: Oh, you're that girl that dresses like a guy...
HARUKA: So?
FISHEYE: I was very disappointed when I saw you weren't a guy, you know. I really wanted to go out with you.
HARUKA: Uh... I care _why_?
FISHEYE (sticking out tongue): Pah! Well, I'm the better cross-dresser, I don't have to put forth effort and people still think I'm a girl. Who knows what you have to go through to look flat.
HARUKA: ... And that's a good thing?
FISHEYE: Grrrrr!
[In the movie, the GUY and some GIRL start kissing and stuff]
GUY: You're beautiful. I love you.
GIRL: You're cute. I love you.
GUY: I will kiss you now.
GIRL: Ohhh, kiss me!
SETSUNA: How romantic. Get me a guy with a better tan and I won't care how pathetic the dialogue is.
[Suddenly, a GUY with a better tan appears and shoves the other GUY out of the way]
GUY 1: Excuse me, we're making out.
GUY 2: I'm much better looking. She's mine.
[The first GUY leaves and the new GUY takes over]
SETSUNA: What a nice movie. I can talk at the screen and it changes to suit me. Ahhhh... the perfect movie experience.
REI and MAKOTO: What a cute guy! I wish I was that girl.
FISHEYE: What a cute guy!... Hmmm, why don't they just forget that silly girl and go out with each other?
REI and MAKOTO: NOOO! O.O
[HOTARU is rocking back and forth in her seat, looking seriously pissed]
HOTARU: This movie sucks! This is so STUPID! LET ME OUT!!!
MICHIRU: Calm down, just an hour and a half more--
HOTARU: HA! At least you have something to look forward to.
HARUKA: Maybe everyone will die at the end...?
HOTARU [suddenly attentive]: Oh, okay.
HARUKA: What a... dark... child we're raising...
HOTARU: Hey, not my fault my father sold my soul, I was possessed, then died, was reborn, raised by you, died again... well, it would make anyone have a bit of a dark outlook, huh?
[HAWKSEYE returns with the soda for SETSUNA]
SETSUNA: Hmmm... I don't like that flavor.
HAWKSEYE: But... but... I waited in line... so long...
SETSUNA: Wait some more.
[HAWKSEYE sighs and leaves]
[REI is reaching for the popcorn just as MAKOTO does]
REI [tugging the bucket]: Sorry, I got there first.
MAKOTO [tugging back harder]: No, I did. MY popcorn.
REI [practically ripping the bucket from MAKOTO's hands]: No, _I_ paid for half of it!
MAKOTO [jerking the bucket away]: And _I_ paid for the other half!!!
[REI and MAKOTO start grabbing for the bucket, jerking it back and forth, causing kernels to fly everywhere, namely hitting FISHEYE and HARUKA. The bucket suddenly tears in half, sending an explosion of popcorn all over the place, leaving a stunned REI and MAKOTO each holding a half of a bucket]
FISHEYE: You got popcorn in my hair! My beautiful hair! And salt, oh my God, salt all over! HOW COULD YOU?! Do you KNOW what an insult it is to fling SALT at a FISH?!
[FISHEYE runs to find a water source of some sort]
HARUKA [picking pieces from her clothes]: Was that necessary? Look, you wasted a whole bucket... Yuck, in my hair, down my shirt--
MICHIRU: I'll get them out!!!
HARUKA: Alrig--
[REI grabs HARUKA and HOTARU grabs MICHIRU just in case]
REI: Look, it was an accident... No need for that, Michiru-san!
MICHIRU: But I--
[A loud yowl startles them, and they look down to see the CATS (minus DIANA) there, tails waving]
LUNA: We decided to drop in and see how things were.
ARTEMIS: How is everyone?
MINAKO: HIIII, Artemis!
ARTEMIS: Oh no--
[MINAKO grabs ARTEMIS and hugs him really tight. His face turns blue]
MICHIRU: Wh-wh-wh--
HOTARU: Where'd you come from?! Geez, you scared me! ME!
LUNA: Aaaaah, we always pop up at random!
[LUNA climbs into FISHEYE's seat]
LUNA: Why does this chair smell like fish?
ARTEMIS:
HOTARU: Speak up, Artemis. You just spewed white space everywhere.
ARTEMIS:
HOTARU: Wow, not even a "..." or a " ". Just... nothing. Geez.
ARTEMIS:
HOTARU: Wow, talk about vocal. Cat got your tongue?
ARTEMIS: !!! !!! !!!
HOTARU: You want some help? Minako-chan, let him go.
MINAKO: But he's so cuuuuute!
TIGERSEYE [eyeing ARTEMIS suspiciously]: Do I know you from somewhere? You smell familiar... hmmm...
[MINAKO finally lets ARTEMIS go. He passes out on the (sticky) floor, completely blue by now]
[FISHEYE returns, sees LUNA in his seat, and also faints]
MAKOTO: Oh dear. He's missing this really cute guy on the screen. Poor widdle fishy.
[REI releases HARUKA because she's too busy looking at the cute guy]
HARUKA: YES!
[HARUKA dives for MICHIRU, who's still trapped by HOTARU. HOTARU is startled and lets go. They're about to kiss when--]
REI: ACK! Can't keep my eyes off you a second!
[REI and HOTARU grab them again]
HARUKA and MICHIRU: C'mon, pleeeeeeease? ;_;
HOTARU: OOoooooh no... I put up with you two enough at home! Do you realize how much sleep I lose?!?!
HARUKA: HEY! We're not THAT loud!
REI: God, you two are just too, too, too... um, too...?
SETSUNA: SHHHHH! We're trying to watch the movie!
REI: Too... um... too...
MAKOTO: Horny?
REI: That works. You two ARE incredibly--
MICHIRU: Rei. Shut up. Now.
REI: Yes Miss Outer Senshi ma'am.
MICHIRU: Release Haruka.
REI: Ooooh no you don't. Even if you are an Almighty Outer Senshi (TM) and I as a humble Inner Senshi worship you, I can't do that! You two would be all over each other.
HARUKA: Is that so bad?
HOTARU: For the rest of us, YES!
HARUKA: But you won't have to listen to us gripe about it anymore.
HOTARU: We'll have to listen to you go at it--
[SETSUNA suddenly raises up, head enormous, eyes huge, flames bursting around her (think Soun Tendo from Ranma 1/2)]
SETSUNA: You're interrupting my enjoyment of the really hot guys in this movie! JUST LET THEM GO ALREADY SO I CAN WATCH THIS MOVIE IN PEACE!!!
[REI, HARUKA, MICHIRU, and HOTARU are reduced to quivering heaps]
HOTARU: who knew setsuna had it in her?
REI: who would've thought...
MICHIRU: she always seemed so calm...
HARUKA: wow... Hey! She said you have to let us go!
REI: I can't refuse Setsuna-sama ;_;
[REI and HOTARU slowly, reluctantly loosen their grips and jump away from HARUKA and MICHIRU]
HARUKA and MICHIRU: FINALLY!!!
[They fall to the floor where no one can see them, although from the sounds, it's obvious they're making out]
SETSUNA: Keep it down, you two.
HARUKA and MICHIRU: Mmmph.
ARTEMIS [regaining consciousness]: Oooooh... My head... my tail... why did Minako have to...
[ARTEMIS starts to get up, and falls back down again. He sits there a moment, puzzled, then tries to stand. A strange substance seems to be holding him back, and he is quickly pulled back to the floor like a rubber band that has stretched too much and snapped in two... oooo, I made a simile...]
ARTEMIS: Oh no... Oh no... It's the dreaded sticky theater floor! And I'm stuck to it! HELP! HELP! I'm stuck to the floor! My fur! My fur will be RUINED!
[FISHEYE also regains consciousness and unsuccessfully tries to get up]
FISHEYE [crying]: My make-up is smeared, I'm stuck to the floor, a cat stole my seat so I can't see the cute guys... and there's two _girls_ making out in front of me! WAHHHH!!!
MAKOTO: That's nice... Oooo, what a hottie...
REI [swoon]: I love this movie...
FISHEYE [crying more]: I'M MISSING THE CUTE GUYS!!!
[HAWKSEYE returns, a bit disgruntled and dirtied]
HAWKSEYE: I... have... your drink...
SETSUNA [sipping it]: Very good, you got it right this time. Thank you.
HAWKSEYE: You're... welcome...
TIGERSEYE: Ooo, Hawkseye, could you get me a nice cocktail with a cute little umbrella--
HAWKSEYE: Do I look like YOUR servant? I serve SETSUNA ALONE!
TIGERSEYE: Um... Oh.
[TIGERSEYE does his silly mumbling/sobbing thing]
MINAKO: Like, shhhh and some stuff.
TIGERSEYE [mumble/sob]: Oooh! Ohhhh! I am so thirsty! I need something to drink or I'll die of thirst! OhhHHH!
MINAKO: Like, SHHHH!
TIGERSEYE [mumble/sob]: Ohhh please! Someone save me from this thirst, oooh! And this movie, oohh, all I'm seeing is men men men and there's supposed to be some les--
[TIGERSEYE notices HARUKA and MICHIRU on the floor together]
TIGERSEYE [calmly]: I'm happy now.
HARUKA [glaring]: Do you mind?!
TIGERSEYE: Well...
AMI: Perhaps it is because you two are making out on the floor in plain sight--
MICHIRU: Your ability to state the obvious exerts itself.
AMI: ... Look, the director slipped me some lines. If I want to get paid, I _have_ to say them ;_; Why do you think I've just been reading the whole time and saying stupid stuff like "What a healthy fellow" when he really is hot?
MICHIRU: Well, that doesn't excuse saying Si-- that word.
AMI: That was a foolish error. I was merely so humbled in Hotaru-sama's presence that I was reduced to moronic babbling--
HARUKA: Michiru? Hellooo-o?
MICHIRU: See ya, Ami-chan. I'm gonna have some fuuuun... Tigerseye! Watch the MOVIE!!!
[HARUKA and MICHIRU start making out again]
TIGERSEYE: I'm in Heaven. ;_;
FISHEYE: I'm in Hell! ;_; Somebody please help me! PLEASE!
[Some guy in the movie is singing]
GUY IN MOVIE: "And when you feel the heat, the world is at your feet, no one can hold you down if you really want it...
FISHEYE: RICKY! RICKY! I'M MISSING RICKY!!!
RICKY MARTIN: "... right from the hands of fate, reach for the cup of life--"
MAKOTO: Shake those hips, baby! He's _much_ hotter than my sempai!
FISHEYE: NO! NOT WITHOUT ME! DON'T SHAKE YOUR HIPS WITHOUT ME! NOOOO!!!
RICKY MARTIN: "The cup of life, this is the one, now is the time, don't ever stop..."
[FISHEYE is sobbing non-stop now]
[MAKOTO is completely lost in the movie]
MAKOTO (making kissy noises): Ricky... I love you...
SETSUNA (sighing): As much as I love Ricky Martin (rare are the women that don't,) I have to say this movie is getting too dull. We should leave.
MAKOTO: Ricky...
HARUKA AND MICHIRU: *kiss kiss kiss*
[REI finally snaps to attention]
REI: Ok, you heard Setsuna-sama! It's time to go!
SETSUNA: Someone shut off the projector!
[The projectionist complies]
MAKOTO (reaching for the blank screen): Ricky ;_;
REI: C'mon, Makoto... it's ok... We have to go now... You can see him again later.
MAKOTO: Bye Ricky ;_;
[TIGERSEYE peals FISHEYE off the floor, not too gently. MINAKO moves to pick up ARTEMIS and he screams]
ARTEMIS: Don't let her near me! She'll tear all my fur out trying to pull me up!
LUNA: That's a bad thing? =¬_¬=
ARTEMIS (mumbling): How in the world did we ever have Diana together?
[TIGERSEYE comes over and carefully removes ARTEMIS]
ARTEMIS: Wow, how'd you do that without injuring me?
TIGERSEYE: It's a feline thing =^_^=
ARTEMIS: =^_^=
[The SENSHI are unsuccessful in trying to convince HARUKA and MICHIRU to get off each other]
MINAKO: Like, you can do that at home...
HOTARU: I won't complain tomorrow about losing sleep.
AMI: You might get stuck like that. This floor is pretty sticky and all.
SETSUNA: For crying out loud, stop it and come on.
[The TRIO starts to leave]
HAWKSEYE: Bye, Setsuna-sama! I hope to serve you again sometime!
SETSUNA: Stop by our mansion later. I'd like a pedicure.
HAWKSEYE: You'll let me touch your feet? I'm honored! ;_;
[They leave the theater]
REI: Come on, let's go. Please?
[The AUTHOR intervenes]
AUTHOR: Heeeeey, you know how I'm writing that story about you guys? (That's taken over a year already? ^^;;;) I just wrote the chapter with your first date--
[MICHIRU pops up]
MICHIRU: Is it romantic?
AUTHOR: I hope so ^^;;;
MICHIRU: C'mon, Haruka, I want to read it.
HARUKA: Oh alright... geez...
[The SENSHI walk out the theater]
LUNA: Time to share what we learned.
SENSHI (groaning): Not again.
LUNA: I'm even more convinced that everyone ignores me. Everyone has more lines than me! It isn't fair!
ARTEMIS: I learned that movie floors are a hell unto themselves and you should never get anywhere near them.
DIANA: I wasn't in this episode. I've been left out ;_;
FISHEYE: Hey, where's Mamo-chan? Author, you promised me... ¬_¬ I learned that I shouldn't trust fanfic writers. They're all insane.
TIGERSEYE: I'm so beautiful, oh!
HAWKSEYE: That's not a lesson! Well, I learned to appreciate the magnificant presence of the great Setsuna-sama.
AMI: I learned I'm willing to look like a dork as long as I get my paycheck at the end of the month.
REI: I learned Setsuna-sama can be really mean when she wants to be... or an author decides to mis-characterize her on purpose... or sometimes they're just stupid and don't mean to... or... nevermind.
MAKOTO: I learned that I must find Ricky Martin now and convince him to love me!!!
MINAKO: I, like, learned that Tigerseye is, like, a real weirdo. He, like, thinks he's pretty, or something.
HOTARU: I don't want to share my knowledge with anyone. You are beneath me. I am your future queen and I DEMAND RESPECT!!!
SETSUNA: I'm enjoying my soda. I already know everything, don't I?
MICHIRU: I'm too dazed right now to share my thoughts... Oh, but I did learn a new spot where Haruka's ticklish *giggles*
HARUKA: Let's not share that ^_^;;; Um... Well, I learned Toei Animation succeeded in deluding a fish into thinking I was a man even though I'm a really hot woman... And... Um, I don't know. I really just want to take Michiru to our bedroom right now.
SETSUNA: Thank goodness that's over with. Now, shoo, shoo, go away.
[screen fades to black]
USAGI [pre-recorded, singing to the tune of Otome no Porishii... the author cheated and just copied and pasted from last episode instead of coming up with something new since it _is_ 1:31 AM]:
Whatever the pinch you're in, just give into despair. That is my Lame-O Policy.
You'll always stumble over the truth and take the plunge of falling headfirst when you trip like an idiot
In the depths of your great stupidity a loud wail emits
There is plenty to fear! The tripping of your feet is your fault! Why can't you pass a test? You've got a stinky armpit
You can't change what will become! You are just too stubborn, tears and wails you know too well!
Anyways, you've got a stinky armpit.
ANNOUNCER V.O.: On the next Pathetic "Soldier" Sailormoon!
PLUTO V.O.: ...
[blank screen]
PLUTO V.O.: ...
[blank screen]
PLUTO V.O.: Co-ed sleepover with the Amazon Trio?
[clips of the SENSHI and the TRIO at Hikawa Shrine]
PLUTO V.O.: ... We didn't really have anything else planned. What a pathetic way to finish this episode... Bye.
[logo flashes]
**********************************************************************
LOTS OF USELESS ADDITIONAL AUTHOR'S NOTES:
The list of movies at the theater are references to: Lethal Weapon 4 (which I haven't seen and probably never will) Speed 2 (also haven't seen and _definitely_ never will) Robin Hood: Men in Tights (seen maybe 20 minutes of it) Star Trek movies... the numbers keep going on and on ^_^;;; Hope Floats (it SUCKED!!! SUCKED!!! How can people watch that junk???) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (GREAT!! John Cleese!! YEAH!!) And the last one is _obviously_ made up. I doubt anyone is stupid enough to have a movie with that sort of title.
Just because I feel like noting this... I went to see Cruel Intentions on the opening night, and when Ryan Phillipe appeared, pretty much all the girls screamed VERY loudly... so yes, that behavior does happen at movies.
Ami's technobabble is a bunch of junk. Sounds interesting, but it really doesn't make any sense... a lot of that is made up nonsense -.- ;;
"An empty stomach is not a good political advisor." -- A fortune cookie my mom got. She always gets stupid fortunes. I'm not kidding. She'll hesitate to take a cookie and give it to someone else, and sure enough, it was a stupid fortune. I don't know why my mom always gets them... And Happy Birthday, Mom! (July 18)
I think Ricky Martin's "La Copa De La Vida" is really cool, okay? "The Cup Of Life," whatever. It's more fun to say it in Spanish ^_^
Though I know he isn't going to read this, I just want to say that I hope my dad recovers soon from his surgery... Want to know something interesting? Ok, he had his gall bladder removed... And get this, the surgeon said, "That really had to come out, it was gross." Now, if a surgeon says that, you know it was nasty o_O Poor Dad.
And finally, a quote from me: "Everyone's insane in their own little way!" ... Boy did THAT freak out my Science teacher when I first said it!
So, you can go away now. Really. Find something else to read. Watch t.v. Rent a movie. Pick your nose. C'mon, go away. Now. Please? That's good, click the "X" in the upper right corner... CLICK IT. There you go. Farewell.