Wacky Races: Break-a-Leg to Winnipeg

by DastardlyFan00

Another Wild and Wacky Race!

Wacky Races: Break-a-Leg to Winnipeg!

Written by Matthew Hawkins

(The scene is a cross-country setting. The Wacky Racers race across the screen passing the camera.)

Narrator: "Here we go again folks! It's another wild and wacky race as they cruise on their crazy way, from First-Aid, Manitoba, to the finish line at Plaster-Cast, Winnipeg."

(Shot of Dick Dastardly and Muttley in their Mean Machine.)

Narrator: "And look who's in the lead, old bad news himself, dirty Dick Dastardly!

Dick Dastardly: (laughs and faces the camera grinning broadly.) "Who else?"

(Enter Professor Pat Pending in his Convert-a-Car.)

Narrator: "But coming up fast is Professor Pat Pending".

Dick Dastardly: (turns head to look behind.) "Oh yeah?" (Turns head to face camera.) He'll get a big bang out of this one."

(Shot of The Mean Machine's dashboard, complete with its signature red skull and crossbones.)

Dick Dastardly: (Pushes a button on his dashboard marked "Bomb".)

(Close-up shot of the back of the car. A hatch at the back of the Mean Machine opens and a bomb pops out.)

Pat Pending: "Oh-oh, I'd better shift to "Baseball Power." (pulls lever on his dashboard to "Baseball Bat". Out from a hatch at the front comes two gloved hands holding a baseball bat. They hit the bomb which sails back to the Mean Machine.)

(Explosion.)

(The Mean Machine is a burnt mess with Dick Dastardly sitting with the steering wheel in his hands. His clothes destroyed. Muttley is looking dirty too. The Convert-A-Car sails past the camera.)

Narrator: "And it looks like Dick Dastardly has been struck out, ha-ha!"

Dick Dastardly: "Drat and double drat!"

Muttley: (wheezes.)

(Freeze Frame. Break-a-Leg to Winnipeg).

Narrator: " Having avoided Dick Dastardly, Pat Pending is in the lead, but wait, here comes The Army Surplus Special, marching their way into first place."

(The Army Surplus Special overtakes the Convert-a-Car.)

Sergeant Blast: (pointing forward.) "For-ward Ho!"

Narrator: "Now it's number 6 out in front, but hold on…."

(Overhead The Red Max flies past.)

Narrator: "The Crimson Haybailer has just flown into the lead."

The Red Max: (laughs triumphantly.)

Sergeant Blast: (gasps, then frowns enraged) "You can't pass me, I outrank you! (Points upwards.) Private Meekly, fire!"

(The Army Surplus Special aims and fires a shot shooting off The Crimson Haybailer's tail. It plummets down off screen.)

(Splintering crash.)

(The Crimson Haybailer has landed propeller first into the turret, all broken and bent. Sergeant Blast is sitting in the wreaked plane.)

Private Meekly: (Turns head round.) "Hey Sarge, What happened?"

(Red Max's head pops through the cannon, looking embarrassed.)

Red Max: "Just zhought I'd drop in." (Smiles sheepishly.)

Sergeant Blast: (points ahead looking alarmed.) "Meekly! Watch out for that tree!"

(The Army Surplus careens straight into a tree which breaks and falls directly on Sergeant Blast.)

(Another splintering crash.)

Sergeant Blast: (emerges from underneath the tree. His helmet moves slowly upwards showing the bottom of a lump and the top of his bald head, his strap scrunching up his face.)

Sergeant Blast: "That did it! (points at Red Max.) Red Max, you're grounded! Take this man's name, Meekly!"

Private Meekly: (gets pencil and pad) "Right, Sarge. (turns to face Sergeant Blast.) "How do you spell Red Max?"

Sergeant Blast: (faces the camera, sighs and rests his hand on his chin looking up at the sky.) "R."

Private Meekly: "R."

Sergeant Blast: "E."

Private Meekly: "E."

Sergeant Blast: "D.

Private Meekly: "D."

(Shot fades into new shot of Dick Dastardly facing us.)

Narrator: "Oh-oh. Looks like Dick Dastardly is up to another devious plan."

Dick Dastardly: "Yes." This'll be a real pain."

(Camera zooms out to reveal a massive window pane which Dick Dastardly, Muttley and the Mean Machine are behind.)

Dick Dastardly: " A window pane, that is. (Laughs, then hits the pane with his fist.) The biggest and strongest pane of glass in the world."

(The cars approach.)

Dick Dastardly: (points delightedly.) "Here they come, Muttley. Let's stand back and watch the fun." (laughs.)

Muttley: (wheezes.)

(Penelope Pitstop in her Compact Pussycat screeches to a halt in front of the pane.)

Penelope Pitstop: "Oh my."

(Enter Peter Perfect in the Turbo Terrific.)

Peter Perfect: "Oh my goodness."

Penelope Pitstop: (turns head to call out. ) "Watch out for the little ole window pane, Peter."

(Peter Perfect hits his brakes hard. We hear the screeching of tyres for some time as Peter gradually comes to a complete stop, just in front of the pane beside Penelope.)

Peter Perfect: (mops his brow.) "Phew, that was close." (A rumbling is heard and the Turbo Terrific collapses with Peter holding the steering wheel.)

Peter Perfect: "Oh, fiddlesticks!"

Narrator: "The Army Surplus Special is the next to try to break through."

Private Meekly: "Hey Sarge, look!" (Points.)

(Shot of window pane coming towards the camera with Dick Dastardly and Muttley grinning.)

Sergeant Blast: (Points ahead.) "Keep going Private Meekly! Full throttle!"

(Private Meekly obliges and the Surplus Six goes to full power.)

Sergeant Blast: "CHAAARRRRGE!"

(Shot of The Army Surplus Special as it speeds off screen.)

(Crash!)

(Shot of The Army Surplus Special which has hit the pane. Alas it too collapses in a heap burying Private Meekly in the process.)

Sergeant Blast: (leans out of the turret with its bent cannon, fuming.) Meekly, damage report!

(Enter The Ant Hill Mob in the Bullet Proof Bomb.)

Ring-a-Ding: (Points.) "Duh, look Boss, a giant window pane."

Clyde: (Undeterred.) "Okay youse mugs, let em have it."

(The Ant Hill Mob all open fire. The bullets ricochet off the glass, not marking it at all. The bullets destroy the roof of the car, with the Mob ducking down as it happens. They sit up amazed, hats all shot to bits.)

Clyde: (awe-struck.) "Boy, that's sure tough glass."

Ring-a-Ding: "Duh, even tougher than you, Clyde?"

Clyde: (angered at such a suggestion, pushes his face into Ring-A-Ding's.) "Shaddup!"

Ring-a Ding: (smiles sheepishly.)

Dick Dastardly: (having witnessed all this faces the camera.) "Didn't I mention the glass is also bullet-proof?" (laughs.)

Muttley: (wheezes.)

(Enter Rufus Ruffcut and Sawtooth in the Buzz Wagon who stop.)

Rufus Ruffcut: "We'll cut our way through, eh, Sawtooth?"

(Rufus proceeds to get out and remove a saw-blade wheel from the Buzz Wagon. He spins it on his finger before walking slowly to the glass wall. He spins it again as he holds it to the glass. The glass makes short work of the blade taking all the points off rending it useless.)

Dick Dastardly: (gloatingly comes into frame, hands on hips.) "Not too sharp, are you Ruffcut?" (laughs).

(Rufus Ruffcut is angered. His face reddens.)

Dick Dastardly: "Now now now, no need to get "saw." (laughs.)

Rufus Ruffcut: (In a fit of temper smashes his fist against the glass which does no damage. His hand goes bright red.)

Rufus: "Yeeeeaaaoow!" (jumps in pain.)

(shot of Sawtooth sitting in the Buzz Wagon looking after Rufus as he hops past holding his sore hand.)

Rufus: Oooch, ouch, ooch, ow, ow, ooch,

(Enter Professor Pat Pending.)

Narrator: "Watch out Professor, that glass is pretty tough."

Professor Pat Pending: (smiling, faces the camera.) "No problem, sonny." (Pulls lever.)

Narrator: "The Professor is shifting to….."

(Out of the front comes a pile driver held by two hands.)

Narrator: "Pile Driver Power!"

(The Convert-a-Car comes to a halt beside the glass pane and starts drilling, but instead of breaking through, The Convert-a-Car spins around and shoots backwards crashing off screen.)

Narrator: "Oh that was a tough break for the Professor."

(The camera pans to the wreak that is the Convert-a-Car. Pat is dazed and stunned.)

Pat Pending: "You said it."

Dick Dastardly and Muttley: (laugh together.)

(Enter The Slag Brothers in the Boulder Mobile.)

Narrator: "But wait, here come the Slag Brothers, they are going to have a crack at it."

Dick Dastardly: (bemused, facing the camera.) "A crack? Don't make me laugh. Those boneheads couldn't make a dent. (laughs.)

(The Boulder Mobile stops. They get out and run to the glass carrying their clubs with them. After assessing the situation for a moment they begin tapping the glass with their clubs curiously, babbling and grunting as they do so.)

Dick Dastardly: (facing the camera, triumphant.) See, what did I tell you? (Turns to Muttley.) They don't stand a chance. (laughs.)

Muttley: (wheezes.)

(The Slag Brothers continue tapping until Rock taps Gravel on his head

with his club. Gravel turns holding the top of his head. Rock motions him to go back the car. Gravel obliges. Rock gets a big stone.)

Narrator: "What are they up to?"

(The Slags are going to play baseball to break the glass.)

Dick Dastardly: (alarmed as he remembers what happened earlier.) "Oh no, not again!"

Rock: (throws the stone to Gravel.)

Gravel: (swings and hits the stone.)

(The stone crunches straight through the glass making a large thick hole and hits Dick Dastardly squarely on his head. A lump grows under his hat.)

Dick Dastardly: (mutters dazedly) " Drat!" (sags groggily to the ground.)

(Shot of Muttley beside a passed out Dastardly.)

Narrator: "Wow! What a belt! How is he Muttley?"

Muttley: (lifts one of Dastardly's eyelids. His eye reads "OUT COLD." He tuts, then wheezes.)

(Shot of all the Wacky Racers looking dejected.)

Narrator: "Oh-oh. What will the Wacky Racers do now? The Slag Brothers have only made a hole." How will they continue the race?

(Shot of Penelope sitting in her car.)

Penelope: "Looks like this little "ole" problem needs a woman's touch.

Narrator: What are you going to do, Miss Penelope?"

Penelope: (faces the camera.) "I'm gonna sing, sugah."

Narrator: "Do you think that'll work?"

Penelope: (gets out of her car and walks to the glass.) "Sure "nough". I was the best singer in my class at school. Some of these notes only little 'ole' dogs can hear."

Muttley: (gasps having heard this, looks alarmed before bracing himself.)

Penelope: Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do! (holds on the last note.)

(Shot of the glass as cracks rapidly run up it until eventually it shatters.)

Dick Dastardly: (comes too, blinking and looking round in a daze.) "Huh? What happened? "Yikes!" (turns looking in horror just as all the broken glass collapses on top of him, just missing Muttley.)

(Shot of Penelope turning round to thunderous applause from the others.)

Penelope: (smiles, flattered, blushing slightly,) "Oh, thank y'all! (She strolls off camera back to her car.)

Narrator: "And so with with a little ole help from pretty Penelope Pitstop the Wacky Race is back on track."

(Shot of Muttley beside Dastardly's rubble as he watches the cars zoom past. He glances at the rubble knowingly.) "Oh boy." (wheezes.)

(Shot of Peter Perfect.)

Narrator: "Having recovered from this temporary setback it's Peter Perfect in the lead."

(Penelope Pitstop comes into shot gaining on Peter.)

Narrator "But the lovely Penelope Pitstop is coming up fast…..."

Peter Perfect: (Turns round and sees Penelope coming towards him and being the chivalrous person he is, pulls over so as to let her pass. He raises his helmet as she drives past.)

Peter Perfect: "After you, pretty Penny."

Penelope Pitstop: (Turns around.) "Thanks ever so ever much, Peter honey!" (She blows him a kiss which lands on the front of the Turbo Terrific. A rumble is heard before the car again collapses in a heap.)

Peter Perfect: "Oh, pshaw!"

(Shot of The Creepy Coupe.)

Narrator: "Meanwhile The Creepy Coupe is creeping along in third place."

(Camera pans to see the Ant Hill Mob.)

Narrator: "But right behind them The Ant Hill Mob is out to challenge them for the third spot."

(The Ant Hill Mob manoeuvres right in front of The Creepy Coupe.)

Clyde: "OK, Ring-a-Ding, hand me dat blowtorch!"

Ring-a-Ding: "Right Clyde."

(Close-up of Clyde leaning out the back window using the blowtorch on The Creepy Coupe's radiator.)

Clyde: "Heh-heh! Dis oughta fix those creeps."

The Dragon: (pokes his head out of the belfry to see what's going on, spies Clyde and moves closer to inspect him and roars when he finds Clyde attempting to sabotage the radiator.)

Clyde: (startled, shakes, going white with fear.) "Yikes!" (Runs back inside the car.) "Quick youse mugs, into "Get-a-way Power," we've gotta angry dragon on our tail."

(The Ant Hill Mob shift into "Get-a-way Power" and pulls away from the Creepy Coupe. The Dragon angered by the retreating Mob extends his long neck after them till he reaches the back of the Bullet Proof Bomb. He breathes fire and the Mob jump through the roof up into the air yelping in pain.)

(The Gruesome Twosome are gazing upwards smiling.)

Big Gruesome: "That Ant Hill Mob, they really do burn him up."

Lil Gruesome: "You're so rii-ght! (cackles.)

(Shot of Dick Dastardly and Muttley standing in the middle of the road ahead of the pack again. Muttley is holding a rolled-up black something.)

Narrator: "Oh-oh!" What's the meanie motorist up to now?

Dick Dastardly: "Here they come Muttley, you know what to do."

Muttley (scampers off and lays what looks like a large manhole, darts back again.)

Narrator: "What's up this time, Dastardly?"

Dick Dastardly: (points up then down.) "Not up, straight down! (laughs.) That is a portable hole and when the Wacky Racers reach it, down they go, out of the race. (Laughs)

Narrator: What a diabolical deed!

Dick Dastardly: "Naturally, but it'll be a "hole" lot of fun! Come on Muttley, it's on to the finish line." (laughs, then darts off screen.)

Muttley: (follows suit.)

(The pair tear away leaving the hole behind.)

(The Crimson Haybailer is approaching the hole, Red Max pears anxiously.)

Red Max: "Oh nien, vot's that?

(The Crimson Haybailer screeches to a halt.)

Red Max: (gets out to inspect the hole. He puts his foot down it before lifting it up.)

Red Max "A portable hole? I can fix zat. (Gets back into the plane.) I'll just blow it avay." (puts his propeller in reverse. The hole curls up then blows away.)

Narrator: "Roaring down the home straight it looks like Dick Dastardly's race, folks.

(Close-up of Dick Dastardly and Muttley sitting in the car.)

Dick Dastardly: "Think of it Muttley, Dick Dastardly: The World's Wackiest Racer! Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

(Muttley tapping Dick Dastardly with one hand and pointing upwards with the other whimpers anxiously.)

Dick Dastardly: "Huh? What are you whimpering about? Can't you see we're about to win at last? (spies the hole hovering overhead.) "Oh no!"

(Shot of the finish line. The hole lands directly in front of it. The Mean Machine plummets down the hole.)

Dick Dastardly: "HEEEEEEELLLLP!"

(Off-screen crash.)

Narrator: " Whoops! Dick Dastardly just dropped out of the race, literally.

And here comes the rest of the cars down to the finish..."

(The racers cross the finish line either side of the gaping hole.)

Narrator: "…..and the winner is car number 4, the Crimson Haybailer, The Boulder Mobile is second, and the Creepy Coupe is a close third. Oh boy, what a wacky race this has been."

(The rest of the pack continue to cross the finish.)

"Narrator: "But what happened to Dastardly? We saw where he went but where did he go?

(The camera pans to the hole and down loads of feet downward. The Mean Machine has landed with its point down in the ground, unable to move.)

Dick Dastardly: "Muttley, this is all your fault!

Muttley: (gasps looking shocked, pointing to self.) "Huh? My fault?"

Dick Dastardly: "Yes, your fault!

Muttley (grumbles.)

Dick Dastardly: "Now get out and push!

Muttley: (gasps looking shocked, pointing to self again.) "Who me?"

Dick Dastardly: "Yes you, and be quick about it!

Muttley: (Grumbles, get out of the car and jumps down. He kicks it angrily from behind. The Mean Machine falls forward, upside down with a crash.)

Muttley: (wheezes.)

Wacky Races is copyright of Warner Brothers Entertainment Inc. and Hanna-Barbera Productions Inc. This is a work of fan-fiction and has been produced solely through love of the source material. No copyright infringement has been intended.