Hey babes! Back with a brand new fic for ya before the new episode drops!
This is my own little take on Portwell for the finale, because I firmly believe they still have deep feelings for each other despite what's happened so far in the show. Do I expect the actual finale to go anything like this? Not at all. I've been in enough fandoms, and have been burned by too many ships, to be one hundred percent optimistic all the time about canon. But that's the beauty of fanfiction. :)
Enjoy!
Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong.
He's heard the saying before time and time again, has even seen it happen in the past to people he knows. He just always prayed it would never happen to him, that he'd never have to deal with the stress and anxiety that can arise in a situation like that. He's certainly never had it completely easy, and there have definitely been times where things didn't go as he'd intended them, but never to this extent. And it's never hurt as much as it does now. Because he can't seem to do anything right this summer. No matter how hard he tries.
He at least thought that opening night would be relatively okay, despite how the night before ended for him, but now even that is seeming like it's bordering on a disaster. And to make it ten times worse, Corbin and Channing are on their way to film their final dress rehearsal for the documentary before filming the actual show later in the evening. The last thing he needs is for them to amp up the drama simply for the sake of views while he's dealing with everything that's already going wrong.
He's already been feeling like the weight on his shoulders is heavier than it's ever been, nearly crushing him under all the pressure that's being put on him. He needs everything to be perfect just this once. And right now it's the furthest thing from that. Nothing is going right.
"Hey, EJ? Have you seen Val? I wanted to run through the choreography with her again just to make sure I have it all down."
EJ turns toward the voice, unable to see who it is through the chaos that's happening around him. "Uh, I'm not sure where she—"
"EJ! Are you absolutely sure I have to say the line the way it's written? Because I was thinking that I could try it a little differently."
"We're hours away from curtains," EJ answers, turning toward the new voice but still unable to see who's talking. "Say the line the way you've always been saying it."
"Who took my stuff again?"
"Has anybody seen my foundation?"
"Hey, Mr. Director, am I coming in from stage left or stage right for the second entrance? And which one is which again?"
"Yo! Rocketman! Something's up with the sound system! What am I supposed to do?"
EJ glances around the room, spinning a bit as he tries to see who's speaking to him. But there are too many people wandering around the floor, and too many voices calling over each other, each one louder than the next as everyone tries to be heard. But he can't figure out where they're all coming from. They're coming from nowhere and everywhere, all at once. He can't make out any distinct voices. He's sure he could figure out who's talking if he could simply separate the voices all jumbling together in his head.
Closing his eyes tightly, EJ stops moving, trying his hardest to focus on one voice, just one. But all he can hear is the blood rushing in his ears. His heart pounds in his chest and his breathing gets heavier as the voices seem to get further away from him. He curls his hands into fists, shutting his eyes tighter as he tries, again, to find just one voice to cling onto. But they keep getting further away.
His frustration growing, and the weight that's on him getting heavier, EJ grabs at his hair, holding on so tight he's sure he's going to rip some of it out. He tries to breathe, tries to get air into his lungs, but he can't. He can't breathe. And he can't hear. Nothing is going right. Everything is going wrong. Nothing is–
A different, uncomfortable weight on his shoulder snaps him back to reality. He spins, his hands releasing from his hair and shooting out at whatever or whoever is there. He blinks several times, getting rid of the tears he hadn't even known were forming, a mop of curly hair finally working its way into his vision.
"EJ? You good, man?" the voice attached to the body asks. It sounds vaguely like Ricky, but he can't be sure. Everything's still muddled.
He flinches when the same hand as before reaches out again. "Don't!" He struggles for a moment to breathe, tries to swallow, but can't. "Don't…don't…don't touch me. Don't…"
"Whoa, hey, okay. Sorry. I won't touch you. Is everything okay?"
He shakes his head, backing away and looking around the room. His vision is finally clear enough that he can see his friends staring at him. Others are watching him too, but his friends are the ones who are front and center. They just keep standing there and staring. No one's moving. No one's saying anything. They're just staring. He hates it.
Spinning quickly, he rushes out the door and stumbles down the steps, nearly tripping over his own feet once he hits the path. The sun beats down on him as he moves quickly through the camp, not entirely sure where he's going, but just knowing he needs to get away from that. He needs to get away from everyone. He can't let them see him like this.
It doesn't take long for his running to make it harder for him to breathe. Harder than it'd been before. So he falls down onto the nearest surface, wincing at how hard he lands—he thinks it might be a tree stump or wooden bench. He rocks back and forth gently as he runs his hands down the fabric of his jeans, his eyes closing again as he ducks his head and tries to breathe. It comes sporadically, he can't find a rhythm.
A twig snaps in the distance and he jumps. He turns sharply, finding his cousin slowly approaching him, her hands raised in front of her. "Ash…" he manages to get out as his eyes burn again with unshed tears.
Ashlyn moves closer until she's crouched in front of him. She's watching him carefully, but he can't detect anything other than familial concern from her. "Eej?" she speaks in a soft voice. "Is it okay if I grab your hands?"
He hesitates and then nods his head.
She grabs both of his hands and then holds on firmly, looking him in the eyes. "EJ, I need you to breathe for me, okay?"
He shakes his head. "Can't…"
"Yes, you can. Just breathe with me. I need you to take a deep breath and then hold it, okay? I know you can do it, EJ."
He shakes his head again, pulling against her hands but she's not letting him go anywhere. "I can't. Can't breathe. Ash…I can't…I can't breathe."
"EJ? Ashlyn? You guys out here?"
EJ whips his head up to see Gina approaching and he violently rips his hands out of Ashlyn's, shaking his head repeatedly. "No, no, no. Go…go away. Please. Gina, no."
She shakes her head and moves closer. "I'm not going anywhere."
His vision starts to blur as his throat constricts. "Gina, no," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "Go. Please."
But she doesn't listen to him. Instead of walking away or joining Ashlyn, she steps behind him. His breathing gets heavier at the knowledge that she's seeing him at the lowest he's ever been; he purposefully ran out so that no one would see him like this, especially Gina.
A familiar warmth presses against his back as a pair of hands grab onto his shoulders and gently tug. He follows the movement, his eyes closing involuntarily as the hands slide around to rest firmly on his chest, keeping him in place. Gina. It's Gina. She's there, holding him against her.
"Breath, EJ," she whispers in his ear, the side of her head resting against his. "Feel my breathing and match it, okay? You can do it. I know you can."
He reaches up without thinking and grabs onto her hands, holding them tightly and doing his best to focus on her; he can feel her chest moving evenly against his back. He pays attention to the steady rise and fall as she breathes behind him, doing his best to match the rhythm.
It takes a moment, but he can finally start feeling the world coming back to him. His throat relaxes, making his breaths come easier, and his chest feels a little bit lighter, his heart no longer pounding against his rib cage.
One of her hands wrenches out from between his and he almost starts to lose it again, but then he feels her fingers carding through his hair and he relaxes once more. He lets the repetitiveness pull him further into a state of calmness. He could stay like this forever with her. But he knows that he can't.
Reluctantly, EJ starts to sit up, pulling his body away from Gina's and shifting slightly so he can look up at her. He flashes Ashlyn a quick, grateful smile when he catches her eye, and then focuses on the girl standing in front of him. He swallows thickly. "How…how did you do that?"
Gina shrugs as she shuffles away from him the tiniest bit. "I don't know, I was kind of just going off what felt right in the moment. How are you feeling now?"
EJ lets out a slightly shaky breath. "Honestly? Exhausted."
Gina nods. "That makes sense. You should go lie down or something so you'll be at full capacity for the show tonight."
EJ shakes his head, shifting on his seat again. "No, I can't. The show—"
"The show will be perfectly fine, Eej," Ashlyn speaks up, getting his attention. "Gina and I can go and make sure things are getting back on track while you take a few more minutes to recover."
He frowns, glancing between Ashlyn and Gina. "I couldn't ask you to do that. This show is my responsibility."
"We're offering," Gina tells him with a small smile.
He hesitates only for a moment before nodding slowly. "Okay. I'll…I'll take a little break. But I'm not gonna move from this spot." He lets out a low chuckle and runs a hand through his hair. "I honestly don't know if I could at this point, I don't think my legs are working quite right yet."
"That is perfectly okay," Ashlyn tells him with a smile. "You stay here until you're ready to come back. I'm gonna go make sure everyone's still getting ready for rehearsal." She stands from the ground, gives his arm a quick squeeze, and then turns to make her way back toward the barn.
Gina shifts on her feet and then gives him a small, tight smile, her hands wringing together in front of her. "Um…I should probably go and help her make—"
He reaches out as she starts to walk past, gently grabbing hold of her hand. He stares down at their hands for a moment, resisting the urge to rub his thumb over her skin. He swallows thickly and looks up at her. "I uh, I just wanted to thank you, Gina. You didn't have to do what you did. But I appreciate it."
She smiles softly. "I'm just glad I could help."
"Me too." He shifts a little in his spot. "Um, do you think we could…talk? Later? Before the show or after, it doesn't matter. I just…there are some things I wanted to say last night but didn't."
Gina nods and gives him a small smile. "Yeah, okay. We can talk later."
He lets out a breath. "Great. Uh, you should go help Ash with everything. I'll be there soon."
"Take however long you need." She gives his hand a small squeeze and then walks past him down the path leading toward the barn.
EJ watches her walk away, waiting until she's disappeared from his view before he lets his body slump forward. Exhaustion is starting to hit him hard and he knows deep down that he's not going to be any help to anyone at rehearsal if he doesn't take a little bit more time for himself. He doesn't want to take too long, though, knowing that despite everything, he's still the one responsible for how well the show turns out.
When he finally feels like he's not going to completely collapse if he stands, EJ takes a deep breath and then begins making his way across camp and toward the barn. He does his best to mentally prepare himself for whatever he's going to find as soon as he steps foot through those doors. He's praying that everything works out as it should.
Of all the things Gina expected to happen over the summer, helping her maybe ex-boyfriend come down from an anxiety attack was not on the list. She hadn't been in the room when EJ ran out, but as soon as she had stepped onto the stage she saw EJ's back heading for the doors, Ricky standing in the middle of the room looking like a deer caught in headlights, and Ashlyn rushing after her cousin.
That'd been all she needed to see to know that something was up. She didn't even bother stopping to ask anyone what happened, simply made her way determinedly down the steps of the stage and out the door. Just because things ended on an uncertain note for them last night, it doesn't mean she's stopped caring about him.
She'd tried to ignore the way her heart had clenched upon seeing EJ in the midst of what she assumed to be an anxiety attack when she finally found him and Ashlyn. She's only ever read about how to deal with them when her boredom would get the better of her on lonely nights after moving to a new city.
And then he'd asked to talk with her and she'd said yes, not entirely sure what to think about it. She doesn't know what else she has to say to him, she's sure she said everything last night. But she'd be lying if she said she isn't curious to know what EJ wants to say.
And she spends the rest of the day thinking about it.
All through their final dress rehearsal, she can't stop thinking about whatever it is EJ might have to say to her. She almost brings it up to him during the time between their final rehearsal and their actual performance, but she can't. She sees the constant look on his face, the stress that's making his body tense up. And thinking back, really thinking about the past two weeks, he's looked like that pretty much the entire time. So she decides not to bring it up until after the show.
Thankfully, the show comes and goes with only a few manufactured hiccups from Channing. Everyone knew all of their lines, all of the props were exactly where they needed to be, the sound system was running perfectly, and everyone remembered all of their cus and entrances.
She knows everyone is relieved that the show went as well as it did, but none more so than EJ. She can see it on his face the second the show finishes, his entire body relaxing and no longer looking so rigid and tense.
It makes her smile just a little bit bigger.
Once the curtains are closed, everyone shuffles off stage, all of them eager to get out of their costumes and back into their regular clothes. Gina follows the masses, gathering up her clothes so she can find a place to change, hoping it won't take too long with everyone searching for a spot.
When she's finally back in her street clothes, she puts her costume away and starts gathering up the rest of her belongings, ready to join her friends in celebrating a successful show. She knows there's some kind of camp tradition for the end of a show, but she has absolutely no idea what it is, and she's excited to find out.
"Gina?"
Glancing over her shoulder, she smiles slightly when she sees EJ approaching her, no longer in his Sven getup, and his face clean of any stage makeup. "EJ, hey." She turns fully to face him. "How does it feel to finally be done with the show?"
EJ breathes deeply. "Honestly? It's a huge weight off. I'm glad the show's done with, but I'm still nervous about what people are going to say about it."
She shakes her head. "Don't be. It was a great show, despite all the stunts Channing pulled."
"Yeah." He shuffles on his feet. "So, uh, if you're not too busy, could we have that talk now?"
In the excitement of the show being finished, she'd completely forgotten about agreeing to talk with EJ. But now that she's been reminded, all the thoughts she'd been having earlier are rushing to the forefront of her brain. She plasters on a smile and nods. "Uh, yeah. Do you want to stay here? Or we could go somewhere else?"
"Can we go for a walk?" he asks somewhat nervously. "It's nothing bad, I just…I don't really want a bunch of other people around while we talk."
"Okay. Why don't we sneak out the back way then, so no one sees us?"
He smiles. "Sounds perfect. Lead the way." He steps to the side and holds his arm out in the direction of the back doors of the barn, waiting for her to move.
She does, stepping past him and flashing him a quick, tight smile as she pushes through the door and out into the cool, evening air. She walks a few paces away from the barn, listening to the sound of EJ's shoes crunching against the gravel as he follows behind her.
After a moment of walking, she glances at him out of the corner of her eye as he falls into step beside her. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
He breathes deeply. "Well, to be honest, I wanted to apologize."
She blinks. "Oh."
"Yeah. I promised you that we were going to have an amazing summer together, and I had so many plans of my favorite places I wanted to show you while we were here, and things I wanted us to experience together, and we never did any of it. I let you down, I know that, and I'm sorry."
She shakes her head, stopping and turning so she can look at him. "You didn't let me down, not really. Yeah, I was disappointed that you weren't always there when I wanted you to be, but it wasn't completely your fault. You didn't ask to be directing the show, and I was too hard on you, expecting you to be around when I knew deep down that you couldn't be."
"But I should have tried harder," EJ tells her. "I should have tried harder to balance my time between you and the show. You are so important to me, Gina. And I'm sorry I didn't try harder to spend time with you this summer."
"And I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding. You had this thrust into your lap when all you wanted to do was hang out with everyone, and you only had two weeks to put it all together. I'm sorry it took me seeing you have an anxiety attack to realize it."
EJ's face twists up. "Yeah, I'm…I'm sorry you had to see that. I didn't want you to."
Her brows furrow. "Why not? They're nothing to be ashamed of, tons of people have them. You couldn't exactly help it that your body reacted that way to everything that's been going on."
"No, I know that. I just…I've already let you down a lot this summer. And after last night…I couldn't stomach the idea of you seeing me at such a low point."
Gina frowns. "Hey, I'm glad I saw that. It made me realize that I've been unfairly hard on you this summer when you've been trying your best. And I'm sorry for that, I should have been more understanding of the situation you were in."
He smiles softly. "Thank you. And I meant what I said, Gina. I should have found some way to balance everything so that I could have been spending more time with you. You deserved to have the best summer ever, and I wanted to be the one to give that to you." His smile falls. "But I messed up. I was so focused on securing a way for me to stay in Salt Lake to be with you that I completely missed out on making memories while we were here. That's time I can't get back, and I'm sorry."
She smiles softly back at him. "Well, I'm glad we've both acknowledged the hand we played in the end of our relationship." She didn't want to say it. Deep down she doesn't actually want the relationship to end, but she doesn't see how it can keep going after everything that's happened.
"It doesn't have to be."
Her brows furrow slightly at his words. "What?"
"I said that it doesn't have to be the end of our relationship."
She sighs. "EJ…"
He shakes his head, taking a small step forward and grabbing her hands. "Listen to me, Gina, please. Yes, we've been having two different experiences like you said yesterday. But it's been two weeks, two weeks out of the whole summer. Can you honestly tell me that you think that's a good measure of our relationship? A relationship that we were blissfully happy in before coming here."
She tilts her head some as she thinks over his words. He's not completely wrong; things were really great between them before they showed up to camp.
She focuses back on EJ, giving him a small shake of her head.
He lets out a breath. "Okay. So then maybe this is just a little hiccup."
She sighs. "EJ, you know how I feel about 'maybe'. I don't want to—"
"You don't want to be someone's 'maybe', I know." He shuffles a little closer and tightens his grip on her hands just the slightest. "But that's the thing, Gina. You have never been a 'maybe' to me. If there is one thing I am absolutely certain of, it's that I want to be with you, right here and right now. If you don't think that I'm going to fight with everything I have to stay with the girl I love, then you're crazy."
Her breath catches in her throat at his words and she watches his face carefully. She's not even sure if he realizes that he said it, simply based on the look on his face.
She swallows thickly and then speaks softly, "EJ? Did you…did you just say you love me?"
His eyes go wide slightly. "Did I?" He's quiet for a moment and then a small smile tugs at his lips. "Huh. Guess I did. Well, the cat's out of the bag now, I guess." He takes a deep breath. "This isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you, but it's the truth. I love you, Gina Porter, and I'm not letting you give up on us without a fight. If it makes you uncomfortable to hear, I won't say it again, but I—"
"No," she cuts him off, shaking her head with a small smile. "That's not it. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. I just…I wasn't sure if I'd get to hear you say it. I like hearing you say it."
His smile brightens. "Then I can say it as much as you want me to. Just please don't give up on us. Not yet. All couples go through a rough patch, and I believe this was ours. And I believe we can get through it."
"You do?"
He nods. "Absolutely. I don't want to lose you, Gina. And I'm hoping you don't want to lose me either."
She's quiet for a moment, watching him, taking in the look on his face. Then she shakes her head. "I don't."
"Okay. So let's not let these past two weeks break us apart. Let's stay together and be better and just…just focus on each day as it comes."
Gina smiles and nods. "I think that sounds doable."
"I'm glad to hear it." He takes a deep breath. "Now, do you want to go back and join everyone to keep celebrating? Or do you want to continue this lovely evening walk?"
She weighs the two options in her head. Going back to the celebration means that she'll have to interact with everyone else and not spend any one-on-one time with EJ. And going on a walk without telling anyone where they're going might cause others to panic. But the one thing she's been craving these past two weeks is alone time with EJ.
She smiles up at him, standing a little taller. "I think…I want you to show me your number one favorite spot at camp."
EJ grins. "That's an excellent idea, and I know just the place. Come on." He turns, letting go of one of her hands but keeping hold of the other, and starts leading her through the camp in a direction she hasn't gone before.
Once they're a little further away from the main part of camp, Gina tugs on his hand just enough to get him to stop walking. Her heart beats a little faster inside her chest.
He looks at her with furrowed brows. "Gina? Everything okay?"
She nods. "Yeah. Everything's fine. I just…I wanted to tell you something."
"What is it?"
She takes a deep breath, steadying her nerves. "I love you too."
EJ's entire face lights up. He steps closer to her and cups her cheek in his hand. "Gina Porter, that is the best thing I've heard all day." He closes the small distance between them with a kiss, lingering against her lips for a few seconds before pulling away. "Now come on," he says, gesturing over his shoulder with his head, "before someone comes looking for us."
Gina simply nods, unable to find words to speak after that kiss, and follows EJ down the path and through the camp, her heart racing in the best way possible.
She'd wanted this summer to be a summer of firsts, and she just got possibly the best one; her first 'I love you' with her first boyfriend. And she feels like she's floating on cloud nine. Nothing can bring her down from this. At least not for a good long while. Because she's no longer worried about her and EJ. She knows they're going to be okay.
So? What did you think? Let me know what you think, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Until next time,
Jellybean96 out!