I am posting the full story for the enjoyment of the viewers…Some content, characters names, and chapter names have been changed. Grammatical errors have been fixed; however, I am not a professional. I will be adding my own personal touches. All writers are good! We just all have our own elements of flare. Furthermore, all original materials and rights still are owned by mcdreamer100. Anyway, please, be patient. It might be very porny, and full of suss. You have been warned. Welcome and hang on tight! Thank you! Enjoy!

Chapter 1: She Left

Derek leaned his tired body against the sink in front of him and tore off his navy-blue scrub cap, tossing it in the hospital laundry bin. He stretched the sore muscles in his back and started the warm water. He watched the bubbles multiply as he scrubbed the strong disinfectant soap across his hands. His life had become a dull habit. Nothing held any pleasure for him anymore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled or laughed. He wasn't sure if he even knew how to anymore. His soul was wrecked, his heart broken. He didn't know how to feel emotions anymore. He walked around Seattle Grace with a scowl on his face, one he knew he perfected. He kept his expression and body language angry and cold. No one wanted to talk to the miserable doctor. It was easier this way. He didn't have to deal with the pity in the stares of those who passed him in the halls. He didn't have to cope with endless questions and forced conversations with those acting concerned.

"Excuse me, Dr. Shepherd?" a gray-haired nurse stuck her head in the room and interrupted his quiet thoughts.

"Umph?" was his incoherent reply. He didn't bother looking up from the tedious task of rinsing off the suds that danced across his hands.

"Dr. Perose needs a consult in 38B, and Dr. Burke asked if you'd stop by his office when you have a moment." The nurse answered quickly then ducked out of the room before the grouchy doctor could think of something angry to bark at her. It was common routine and the nurses, even the other doctors, had stopped taking it personally long ago and had learned ways to deal with his unpredictable temper.

Derek finished washing and roughly tore off a length of paper towels, drying his hands and tossing the damp wad of paper towards the waste basket, not caring that he missed.

Derek finished all his work for the day, the surgeries, the consults. He eyed the growing pile of scattered papers on his desk and momentarily considered straightening things up. The idea was dismissed from his thoughts just as fast as it had entered, deciding he'd have one of the irritating interns do it the next day. He slumped down into his oversized black chair, the soft, cool leather a welcomed sensation on his exhausted body. When had been the last time he'd slept? He couldn't remember. It definitely wasn't yesterday, maybe the day before. He didn't mind. He didn't like sleep anymore. It was when he slept those memories haunted him. He shook his head and ran one hand threw his unkempt dark curls. He was noticing more and more grays and had long ago stopped plucking them. He knew he really should head over to Burkes office to not miss him before he left for the day, but for some reason he couldn't muster up the strength. He knew Burke meant well, after all he was his boss now since Richard Webber had stepped down as Chief. Burke could have fired him on more than one occasion. Actually, Burke should have fired him. But he hadn't. He'd decided to be a friend to Derek as he had spiraled further and further out of control in his bleak days. He had been there for Derek when he had felt he had no one left in the world. He'd literally been a shoulder to cry on and had been there to pick him up off his ass each time he'd fallen. Burke was constantly inviting Derek over for dinner with him and Cristina and to join the close-knit working family for a drink at Joe's. He'd gone a few times. But found it easier these days to avoid alcohol altogether. It was too easy to be seduced by the numbing effect he'd feel after one too many drinks.

The empty silence of his office was pierced with a double chirp from his cell phone that sat in his lab coat, indicating the battery was almost dead. He yanked open the top drawer of his large mahogany desk and scrambled around for his charger. He found it near the back and tugged it out. He was just about to slam the wooden drawer back shut when a small business card caught his eye. He slowly reached in and took the little card out. Derek let his strong fingers run across the letters that were raised in gold.

BILL HENRY

PRIVATE DETECTIVE

808-566-3344

Derek forgot all about this card. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. The thoughts of the night Addison gave him this card came rushing into his head.

Addison quickly parked her silver BMW into a small parking space and jumped out of her car. She was furious. She crossed the short distance to the entrance surprisingly fast for someone wearing Jimmy Choo heels, but paid no attention to the shocked spectators hopping out of her way. She flung the door open and quickly scanned the place for him. The divorce was official for over a year now, and yet somehow, she was still being called to come pick up his drunken ass. At first, she had felt sorry for Derek. He was so sad and depressed, like a little boy. Then somewhere along the line it had changed to anger and hate. He was a completely different man then the one she'd married years ago.

She spotted Joe and briskly walked up to him.

"Where is he?" she asked annoyed.

"I'm sorry Addison, he wouldn't get in the cab I called for him, and then he started making a scene, throwing things, yelling. I shoulda called the police but I know what that would do to his career…" Joe explained as he wiped a small empty table.

Before Addison could ask again where he was, they both heard a loud drunken man come from the bathroom.

"Choose me, she said! Love me, she said!" Derek wobbled out from the back and was yelling, to no one in particular. "How about that?! I choose her and she left! Left! Left me!I am Doctor McDreamy!" He decided to yell this last part at a young man sitting with some friends at the bar, Derek's face inches from the scared kid. For some reason the young man's silence only infuriated Derek's blind rage all the more and he grabbed the closest glass he could find and hurled it across the bar. It shattered into tiny pieces causing the onlookers to hunch down in their seats.

Addison couldn't believe her eyes. What happened to this man she had once loved, once fought for?

She crossed the room and tried to get Derek's attention, but he was too busy screaming and ranting on about how he deserved better than that, that it was her loss that she had left such a good-looking man.

"Derek Christopher Shepherd!" Addison finally yelled, not wanting to draw attention to herself but knowing this had gone on long enough.

Derek finally looked at her and realization came flooding into his dark, blood shot eyes. He slumped down to the grown and started crying, putting his hands over his face that he hadn't shaved in months. She leaned over him and let him sob for a moment.

"Derek, look at yourself. This is insane. What are you doing? She's gone Derek. Get over it.Meredith left." She said the last words slowly letting them sink in.

"But… she can't… I … love her. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what did I do? What did I do!" He now fell completely over and was lying on his side on the floor.

Addison hated that everyone was watching this spectacle. She reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a business card. It was white with gold writing on one side. "I didn't know if I should suggest this or not, but it looks like maybe it's time." She handed him the card and Derek took it from her with shaky hands and looked up at her confused.

"He's a private detective Derek. If you really think you can't live without Meredith, call him. You haven't been able to find out where she went, and neither can Richard. So quit feeling sorry for yourself, and do something about it!" With that she straitened up and fixed the wrinkles in her dress. She turned towards Joe, "Call another cab, he won't put up a fight this time." With that she turned on her heal and strutted out.

Derek took some time off after that. He took his time to contemplate everything that had happened. He really did love Meredith, so much that he ached down to his very core. But she had left. Without so much as more than a few quick sentences on a piece of paper. "I need some space, to clear my head around everything that has happened. If we are meant to be Derek, I'll be back." She hadn't come back. She had disappeared into thin air, without a word to neither him, or any of her so called friends.

It was then that he'd decided that he was not going to hire anyone to help him find her. If she didn't want to be found, then he wouldn't look. It was also then that he had made the decision to quit feeling sorry for himself. He was going to pull his act together and be the brilliant surgeon everyone told him he was. He was determined to put Meredith in his past and move on. It was the last time anyone ever heard him speak her name. If you asked any of his friends, it was the last time anyone saw any life in Derek's soul.

The fragile woman sat abruptly up in her small cot that was supposed to be a bed. Her heart was racing, and skin glowed with perspiration. Her dirty blond hair stuck to the side of her head as she tried to remember what awoke her. She rubbed her eyes and tried to look around the dark room. It was lined with cots on both sides of her, each one occupied with a sleeping form. She laid her head back down on her pillow and tried to recall her dream. It wasn't too hard. It was the same one she'd had for the past five years. She felt a shiver run down her body as she remembered the panic. She was swimming, in dark cold water. She didn't know where she was or where she was heading but knew she had to keep swimming. Soon exhaustion took over and she felt the water start pulling her down, swallowing her tiny figure. It was then that she'd wake up each time in pure terror. She wondered what the dream meant. Was it a memory from something long ago? Was it only a metaphor of her life now? Her mind swimming in darkness, trying to reach a light that she knew was somewhere, if she could only find it.

The woman shifted uncomfortably on her tiny cot and faced the small form of the young girl sleeping next to her. If only she could remember. The answers were there somewhere in her mind, she could feel it. She just couldn't reach it. She felt that if she were to pound her head against a wall enough times it would jar the memories free. She unfortunately had tried that and painfully learned it didn't work. She reached a hand through her daughter's dark curls. They were all either one of them had in this world. The woman wondered why. Surely, she had a family. Surely someone had loved her and was searching for her. For them. She had been wandering around for five years in the dark and had a sinking feeling that she would spend the rest of her life like this, in a cold, dark sea of unanswered questions.