Chapter 12: Is It Really True?
Derek sat sluggishly on an old, rusted lawn chair. His eyes blurred from staring out across the water for hours. He mindlessly reached for his fishing rod and slowly began to reel it in. The fish got away with his bait once again. Normally Derek would have been fed up and resorted to a more complicated system of bait, but today he didn't care. He hadn't cared yesterday either and come to think about it, not the day before. He reached in his small pail and scraped together the last of his homemade bait. He had run out of worms days ago and crickets before that. He had had to resort to an old fish bait recipe his grandfather had taught him years ago when he was just a young boy. It was a delicate mixture of Big Red, the soda pop, and mashed cornflakes. It looked odd, and smelled even worse, but it worked. He frowned realizing that this would probably be his last cast for the day, even though the sun had just begun to peak above the horizon only minutes ago.
He casted his line out far, waiting for the small plunk it made as it plunged in the water and settled towards the bottom, waiting for its prey. He leaned back in his chair, resuming the position he had been in for the last two weeks. He felt relaxed when he fished, he didn't let his mind wander, keeping it on the water, his pole, and the bait. It was just easier this way. It didn't hurt as much.
Maybe thirty minutes later, Derek wasn't sure, he'd lost track of time days ago, he heard the crunch of rubber tires over gravel, alerting him he had company. He soon was able to make out the shape of a State Trooper's SUV slowly pulling up his driveway.
Derek thought it odd and slowly put down his fishing rod and stood up. He tried unsuccessfully to brush off some dried bait that stuck to his dirty jeans, and smooth out his wrinkled flannel shirt. He could only guess what a sight he made. He hadn't changed his clothes in three days and hadn't showered in more than that. He could only imagine the bags that lay under his red rimmed eyes and the thick, heavy dark whiskers that now covered the lower part of his face.
He met the officer by his vehicle as the old man hopped out.
"What brings you out to this neck of the woods officer?" Derek asked, trying his hardest to be pleasant.
"You Derek Shepherd?" The grey haired man with small eyes and a thick gray mustache asked the dirty fisherman.
Derek just nodded. He searched his mind as to what this visit could be about. He knew he had paid his parking ticket he'd gotten last month when he had parked in a red zone outside the hospital. What had he done now?
"Apparently your presence is requested at Seattle Grace, doctor." The police officer smiled, letting Derek know he wasn't in trouble.
"Aaha." Derek nodded knowingly. "So, two weeks and they already can't function without me?" He tried to keep the conversation easy and light. He was doing his best pretending that he was a normal, regular guy, who had just taken some time off to fish. Not the broken, bleak man, who didn't have a thing in this world to live for.
The gray-haired officer let out a deep chuckle. "I didn't get specifics, doctor. Just an order to bring you back to Seattle Grace was all really."
Derek thought for a moment. He figured it would be a bad idea showing back up at work all grungy and soiled. He'd probably lose his job for sure this time. "Do you think I could drive myself, or are you going to use those on me?" Derek asked pointing to the pair of handcuffs that hung from the officer's belt.
This time the policeman let out a booming laugh showing he had a great sense of humor. "No no. I think I can trust you to follow orders. Besides," he gave the filthy doctor a once over, "You could use a moment or two to get yourself cleaned up."
The two men shook hands and the officer turned to leave. "Don't make me come back out here doctor. I will use the handcuffs next time."
"Yes sir, Officer." Derek tried to give a smile, but it felt phony. He held his hand up in a wave and watched the SUV back down the dirt path and off his property. Derek sighed defeated and headed towards his trailer. He figured it was time. He couldn't avoid the world forever. He'd eventually have to face the people of Seattle Grace and he thought he might as well get it over with.
With one last forlorn glance at the beautiful lake and his deserted fishing equipment, he opened the door of his trailer and walked in to get cleaned up, letting the door slam behind him.
Derek sat behind the wheel of his old jeep, debating whether or not he should get out. After returning inside to his trailer, he quickly showered and dressed, not bothering to shave, and driven the familiar route to Seattle Grace. He only had to search a moment before finding a parking space, turning in and shutting off his car. He had been sitting in silence for over 10 minutes, still trying to talk himself into going in.
He took a deep breath and shoved the door open. There was no use prolonging the inevitable. He crossed the parking lot in long even strides staring straight ahead. As he reached the main entrance of the hospital he noticed the old security guard, Gus, standing by the doors. Derek nodded towards the old man just as he did every time he entered the hospital, but this time Gus responded to the doctor.
"Congratulations Doc. I hope everything turns out well." He gave Derek a lopsided grin and gave him two thumbs up signs.
Derek just nodded. That Gus sure was a strange guy. He had no idea what he was talking about.
As he passed the General Information desk in the front lobby, he noticed the two elderly volunteers smiling at him. He couldn't help but take a quick look behind him to see what they were smiling at.
"Congratulations doctor, it really is a miracle." There was no mistaking that the kind lady was speaking to him.
Derek just grunted a response and kept walking. Seattle Grace sure was a strange place. He had anticipated, even expected, whispers and stares. But he hadn't predicted this. Why all of a sudden did people think they could talk to him? Smile at him? It wasn't just at the entrance of the hospital but everywhere he went. Happy people, looking at him like he should be happy. He was not happy, and had decided to never be happy again in his entire life. He was miserable and planned to stay that way till the day he died.
He was making his way to the elevator when a familiar nurse passed him in the hall. "Congratulations Dr. Shepherd. I heard the news."
Derek couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed the nurse by the arm, and snapped at her. "What in the world is everyone so damn happy about?!"
Olivia's eyes widened in fright. She desperately glanced around looking for a way out of her predicament. Not finding one, she looked back at the doctor and searched for something to say.
"I'm… I'm sorry Doctor. It's just that I'd thought you'd be happy. I .. I didn't know…." Olivia's voice trailed off seeing she wasn't doing anything to relieve the anger in the enraged doctor's eyes.
"Happy!? About what?" Derek scoffed, finally releasing the hold he had on the red headed nurse's arm.
"Meredith, sir."
Derek's blue eyes turned dark with hate. He felt his body shake in fury. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "How can you be so cruel? Just because she's dead you think I would feel what? Relieved?" His voice was barely a whisper and he spat the words out in disgust.
Olivia's face changed from fearful panic into understanding shock. "You haven't heard, have you Doctor Shepherd?"
Derek was done with this infuriating conversation that was getting him nowhere and turned to leave.
"She's alive Doctor." Olivia said it softly, barely loud enough for him to hear.
Derek froze, all the blood draining from his face. "What did you just say?" He spoke slowly and clearly, terrified he had heard her wrong.
"Meredith's alive. She was brought in last night. I think it was for head trauma or something. I'm not sure. I did hear that she has an extreme case of amnesia, has had it for nearly five years….."
Olivia's voice trailed off. Derek was no longer aware of anything but the beating in his chest. His heart pounded louder and harder than he thought capable. Meredith? Alive? His Meredith?
His legs began to move and they quickly turned into a run. "Where is she?!" He yelled to the large group of spectators that stopped to watch the commotion. He barely heard someone shout back ICU as he turned to the stare well, not bothering with the elevator. He took the stairs two at a time, willing his legs to move faster. It was like a dream, and he was moving in slow motion. It was a glorious fantasy and he prayed that he would never wake.
He had to remind himself to breathe as he reached the third floor and threw the heavy metal door open. "Where is she!?" He screamed to anyone that would listen. He couldn't get to her fast enough. He started searching the floor opening doors and peeking into curtains. Tears fell freely down his face and his hands shook in desperation. "Meredith! Meredith?" He called out longing for her response.
Derek turned a corner and practically ran into two large men who stood before him blocking his path. He looked into the sympathetic faces of his old chief, and his new chief. "Where is she? Where's Meredith?" Derek demanded not being ashamed of the tears that stained his face.
"Derek, let's talk first, you're obviously upset and in no condition to see her…" Richard Webber tried to reason with his old student.
"Tell me where she is." Was all Derek could say. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to calm down. All he wanted was Meredith.
"Shepherd, you have to realize the ordeal that she's been through. She is suffering from retrograde amnesia sustained from a head injury five years ago. You can't just go charging in there like Prince Charming and sweep her away. You have to follow standard protocol. You, above all others, know how important that is." It was Burkes turn to be the voice of reason.
Derek grew frustrated, he knew all this already. "Please." this time he whispered. A new set of tears formed in his eyes and escaped down his cheeks, disappearing in his rough stubble. His lips trembled and now he was begging, "Where is she?"
The past and present surgical chiefs exchanged glances and then stepped aside. Burke handed Derek his lab coat and helped him put it on. Richard pointed to a room on the right and Derek slowly began to walk towards it. He heard Dr. Webber gently remind him, "Remember, standard protocol. You are only her doctor right now." But Derek didn't pay any attention. He paused a moment at the door, before turning the silver knob, to regain his composure. Before he entered, he heard Burke speak up once more. "Shepherd when you're finished in there, I'd like to go over her charts with you, and…." Preston paused a moment, choosing his words carefully, "We have another matter to discuss."
Derek nodded, half listening, and slowly turned the knob on the heavy wooden door. He quietly opened the door and stepped inside. He gently pushed the door shut behind him and only took a few steps in before leaning one shoulder against the wall. His heart swelled as he stared at the small form lying on the large hospital bed. She was hooked up to various machines that occasionally interrupted the silence with a quick beep. Her soft hair was spread across the pillow that her beautiful head rested on. He took it all in. Her delicate features, her graceful manner. Her eyes rested, peacefully closed, and he took the moment to remember just how much he loved this woman before him. How, without her, his life wasn't worth living. It took every ounce of strength inside him to not run over to her side and gather her in his arms. He resisted the heavy urge to not bend down over her and kiss her soft lips, reminding himself of how she tasted.
He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. He could do this. He could be professional. He was startled when he reopened his eyes and met a pair of blue gray eyes staring back. His heart caught in his throat, almost forgetting how beautiful she was.
They stared at each other for a long time. He could feel her electricity charge his tired body and bring back life to a once hopeless man.
It was Meredith who finally spoke, shattering the moment. "You're Doctor Shepherd?" She asked incredulously reading his name tag.
Derek couldn't help laughing. He knew he probably didn't look like a world-renowned brain surgeon at that moment and couldn't blame her for being shocked by the two weeklong stubble and red, watery eyes.
"How are you feeling?" Was all he could say.
Meredith put a hand to her head and rubbed it. "I'm still kinda sore. And my head's a little fuzzy."
Derek crossed the room closing the gap between him and the woman he loved. Instead of taking a chair that was positioned nearby, he opted for the side of her bed, sitting dangerously close to her. He reached into his lab coat pocket and found his light. With one hand he clicked it on, and with the other he gently touched the side of her face. He pretended that the mere touch of her soft skin didn't send shivers down his body and make him go weak in the knees. He used the light to test the responsiveness of her pupils then put it back in his pocket and had her follow his finger with her eyes, not once moving his hand from the spot it rested on her cheek. Satisfied with what he saw, he reluctantly slowly moved his hand away. He tipped his head to the side and smiled his dreamy smile; one he thought had been lost forever.
She smiled back for a moment, then looked away blushing.
"Can I get anything for you?" Derek asked softly.
"I thought that was what nurses are for?" Meredith raised her brows.
"Maybe. But I do want you to know that I am here if you need anything. Anything at all, just ask me, okay?" He tilted his head and smiled down at her once again. He wanted so bad to elaborate and tell her that he was going to be there for her for the rest of her life. She would never be alone again.
Meredith returned his smile for a moment, almost letting herself get lost in his dancing blue eyes.
Suddenly Meredith's mouth flew open and her eyes registered shock. "Oh my gosh! Carwyn, I almost forgot about Carwyn! Where is she? Is she okay?"
Derek frowned, confused. He didn't know who she was talking about. "It's okay Mer, calm down. Who's Carwyn?"
In her panicked state she almost didn't notice how natural it was for him to call her Mer. She quickly pushed the thought away, still upset, "My daughter, Carwyn, do you know where she is?" She sat up and started fidgeting with the IV.
Derek was still confused and began to worry that maybe she was having a delusional moment as a result from the recent head injury.
He spoke slowly and reassuring to her, "Meredith, you don't have a daughter. Lay back and relax. You need to calm down."
She groaned, frustrated that the doctor wouldn't listen. This time it was her turn to speak slowly so he would understand. "Dr. Shepherd. I have a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter named Carwyn. My friend Alice brought her here for me. Do you know where she is?" She finished and watched the doctor expectantly.
It only took a moment for realization to dawn on the smart doctor. His heart began to beat wildly once again, and he felt a cold sweat form on his brow. This couldn't be happening. There was no way that he had a daughter that he didn't know about for four years. There was no way that he had been cheated of four years of a beautiful family that he didn't know existed. He slowly stood from the bed and tried to stay calm for Meredith's sake. He told her he'd try to find out where Carwyn was and quickly stepped out of the room. When at last he was free from Meredith's view he exhaled and let the pain engulf him. He slumped down against the wall and cried. He was surprised to find he had tears left, and let himself cry, sobs shaking his body.
This was all his fault. If only he'd gone after her in the first place. If only he'd swallowed his pride and searched for her earlier. If only he'd been completely honest about Addison in the beginning. His list went on. There was only one person to blame for all the pain he was feeling inside.
What had he done?