Chapter 16: Strong Desire

Meredith yawned as she carelessly jammed buttons on the remote. There was no use. She discovered days ago that she just didn't like TV. It didn't matter how many times she flipped through the channels, there would be nothing that could hold her attention.

She added that little fact to her growing list of things she knew about herself. The list wasn't long, in fact, it only held three or four bits of information Meredith concluded from the short time she'd been at Seattle Grace.

She sighed as she clicked off the TV and tossed the remote on the meal tray that sat to the side of her bed. She looked around her quiet, sterile room, and couldn't believe how at home she felt. She only was here for six days, but she oddly felt she'd known this place forever. She yet to push aside that strange notion, like she did so many others, and contemplated it often. She knew many of her unanswered questions lay within the walls of Seattle Grace. If she could just figure out why that was. It rested in the spot of her memory that, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't reach. Lost inside her dark mind that she was determined to wake.

Meredith grew uneasy in the quiet of her isolated room and wished someone would come visit her. She enjoyed the company of the younger doctors that frequently visited her room. She was cleverer than they suspected though, and she knew it wasn't normal that they were constantly sharing lunch hours with her or stopping in late at night just to chat. It was another piece to her unsolved puzzle that she resolved to complete. Yet in the meantime she valued their company, especially in the absence of her daughter. She missed Carwyn more then she could have ever imagined and worried about her all day. Even every once in a while, someone would bring Meredith the most recent picture Carwyn had colored for her. She was told repeatedly how good Carwyn was doing, but she knew how extremely shy Carwyn was towards people she didn't know and couldn't help but worry.

Meredith absentmindedly scratched at the tape that surrounded her IV and glanced at the clock. Her heart jumped and the butterflies started moving around inside her stomach. It was half after ten and that meant Dr. Shepherd would soon be in to check on her. Her eyes immediately went to the small hand mirror that rested on the side table that she had borrowed from Izzie.

She forced her eyes away and scolded herself for acting so foolish. There was no denying that Dr. Shepherd, or Derek, as he had asked her to call him, was the most good-looking man she ever seen. She thought that when he looked at her with his captivating eyes, he could see down into her soul to the secrets that she herself didn't know. She could quickly become lost in his gaze and on more than one occasion had to remind herself to breathe. But it was irrational to form a crush on such a man. Derek was out of her league. He was a brain surgeon after all, and she was a lost, single mother, wandering this world in confusion.

As if on cue, there came a soft knock at the door. Meredith took a breath and sat up in her bed, letting her hands smooth her hair behind her ears. The door opened slowly, and Derek Shepherd stepped in. Meredith couldn't help but let her eyes sweep over his body. She felt an unexplainable shiver run down her spine and raised her eyes to meet his stare. She instantly blushed and quickly turned away, busying herself with the IV tape once again.

She heard the Doctor chuckle as he crossed the room and sat on the side of her bed. Why does he have to do that?She thought. Her other doctors, like Dr. Hemming, stood at the foot of her bed when they talked to her like they were supposed to. Not Derek. He got close. Too close. Close enough that she could smell him. Close enough to get lost in the intoxicating aroma. It wasn't really cologne she had decided one night, lying awake thinking of him. It was a mixture of detergent, soap, and just plain manliness. She shook her head reprimanding herself again for letting her mind wander.

"What?" Derek interrupted her thoughts and when she finally looked up, she saw he had an amused expression on his face.

"Nothing." She shook her head again and regained her composure. He was just another doctor. He was only here for a quick check on her progress.

He stared at her for a minute before beginning his routine questions they went through every morning. "How are you feeling today?"

"Fine." Meredith said, not wanting to elaborate.

Derek waited for a moment and when he saw she wasn't going to continue, he went on.

"And how does your head feel?"

"Fine." She repeated again. She wasn't really mad at him, she was mad at the way he made her feel. She decided to take her frustration out on him anyway.

Derek furrowed his brows and searched Meredith's face. He obviously had no clue why she was in a foul mood but decided to continue cautiously.

"Um, Okay. Have you had any more memories?" He asked carefully then quickly glanced to the doorway making sure no one was listening before adding, "Anything else, like maybe why you were on the ferry before the accident or where you were headed?" He knew he was stepping over the lines of the set protocol but didn't care.

"No." She lied. She had recalled bits and pieces of various memories. She hadn't been able to glue them all together to make any sense of any of it. "Why don't we ever talk about you? How come the pressure's always on me? What about you? You sure seem to be here a lot. Don't you have a wife? A life outside this hospital? Where do you live? Who are your friends? You expect me to sit here each day and trust you, yet I know nothing about you! Give me something. Give me anything to go on."

Derek rocked back a little. He hadn't expected this. He wasn't sure what to say. The truth to anyone of those answers would send her over the edge. She just wasn't ready yet. He tilted his head and gave her his best McDreamy smile he could muster. Meredith didn't flinch. She sat with her arms folded firmly and stared back at him waiting.

He knew there was no other way out of this, so he carefully began. "Well, let's see. Um, I'm from New York. Manhatten actually and never thought I could live anywhere else; couldn't believe I could like it anywhere else. Until I ended up here. There was just something about Seattle. Maybe the ferry boats? I don't know, but it was intense. Anyways, I started working here under Dr. Webber about 6 years ago. My life got a little… um… complicated after that, and things happened, and I…" Derek let his voice trail off.

Meredith searched his eyes, caught up in his story. She couldn't read the expression on his face. Sorrow? Regret? And just as quickly as it had come it was replaced with something new. Hope?

Derek continued stronger, "Anyways, I dove into my work. Lived, breathed, everything was the hospital. That's how I became so, renowned, as you put it. That's why you were able to read about me in those medical journals you found." Derek paused and watched Meredith to see if she was satisfied. When she didn't say anything, he went on once again.

"Fine. I fish in my spare time. I have four sisters. I don't have grandparents, they're all dead. My favorite football team is the Seahawks, though I rarely watch football. Favorite color? Blue. My favorite subject growing up? Science. Hmm. What else? My favorite band?"

Before he could answer something popped into Meredith's mind and she could hear him saying the words. "The Clash." She said it softly and slowly, a little scared at how she knew.

Derek couldn't speak. His eyes were wide, and he searched her frightened face. He knew he shouldn't push but couldn't help himself, "My favorite novel?"

"The Sun Also Rises." She whispered this time, her voice shaking. Derek wanted to lean over and wrap her in his arms. To kiss away her uncertainty and let her feel safe in a way she hadn't in so long.

They locked eyes for a long time. Both trying to read each other's thoughts. Derek let his gaze wander down to Meredith's lips. A big mistake he immediately realized as he couldn't tare his eyes away from the soft pink skin. He leaned towards her, ever so slowly and tore his eyes away from her mouth and back to her eyes.

Meredith felt her breath catch in her throat and prayed that Derek couldn't hear her heart beating wildly in her chest. She didn't know what was going on. Why did she know those trivial facts about this doctor? And why was he now staring at her like that? She felt him shift closer to her and couldn't help but think he wanted to kiss her. Everything she knew said this was so wrong, but her insides were screaming differently. She let her eyes drop to his mouth briefly and she immediately decided she wanted to feel his strong lips on her small soft ones. She closed her eyes and held her breath. This would be her first kiss that she'd be able to remember, and she wanted to savor every last memory. She leaned a little closer and could feel his quick hot breath on her face. She felt her body shake as the anticipation grew. The tension was so great, and she thought she could stand the suspense no longer, when a loud knock at the door brought her back to earth.

Meredith flung her eyes open, and Derek leapt from the bed. They turned to see one of the nurses walking in with Meredith's daily medicine.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?" The nurse asked embarrassed noticing the flustered looks on both Meredith's and Derek's faces.

"No, nothing at all." They answered quickly at the same time.

"I was actually on my way out. I have.. um other patients… and stuff… so I better go. I'll see you later." Derek stammered while avoiding eye contact with Meredith.

He quickly crossed the room and hurried out. He cursed when he realized that his whole point in going in to see Meredith that morning had been to tell her Carwyn was coming for a visit. He debated turning around and going back in but thought better of it. That was a close call. He could have gotten in big trouble crossing a line like that. Protocol, he repeated to himself for the millionth time that week. He had to follow protocol.

He continued down the hall to the nurses' station deciding he'd have someone else deliver the good news.