"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."
Winter's Thaw
She swung the blade of the machete down over and over, feeling the warm spray of blood on her cheeks each time she ripped it out of his face. He didn't have one anymore. That was good. She was going to hack it all away.
But then arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her away and forced her to drop the weapon. She fought to get free, tried to crawl away, but the arms weren't letting her go. She heard a voice that dimly broke through her incoherent fury. She thought she knew that voice, but it wasn't possible. Joel was back in that basement, probably dead by now because she had been caught and wasn't able to help him. Now one of these freaks she hadn't killed had a hold of her and she was going to die, but goddammit, she was not going to go without a fight. She twisted away, pushing against their chest. "Fucking let go of me!"
But that voice continued. The hands that held her were restraining, but they weren't hurting. Instead, they seemed to be trying to support her. She felt them on her face. At first, they were cold, then she could feel the warmth seep through them and into her skin. She felt the roughness of callouses.
"Look. Look," the voice implored. "It's me. It's me."
Finally, she looked into the face of the man that held her. For a second, she wasn't sure if he was real, but she relished the feeling of comfort he brought all the same. "He tried to-" She couldn't finish, and she simply fell into his chest.
Joel's arms enveloped her. "Oh, baby girl," he whispered. "It's okay. It's okay."
Ellie breathed in. His jacket smelled faintly of the basement, blood and snow, but also of sweat and grime and just Joel. It was familiarity and safety. It felt like home. Joel was alive and he was here. Somehow, he had found her. There was a fresh sting behind her eyes. His name left her lips in desperate relief and needing. He hugged her tighter.
Joel's heart had lurched at the anguished fury and detached look on Ellie's face but was finally rewarded when he saw recognition spark in her eyes. With a small, agonized confession, she fell into his arms with such an aching relief, it was all he could do to keep it together. He buried his face in her hair, the scent of fresh blood and smoke mingled with her own. The term of endearment came out of him without conscious thought. Yet the words didn't feel wrong, and he understood then that he would never let her go again.
Once more he held her face in his hands, needing to see her eyes and needing her to see him. The tears made tracks through the dirt and blood on her face. Joel swiped them away with his thumb. Everything this girl had been through, and he had never seen her so utterly vulnerable. He hadn't been here. He could have lost her, and that was something he couldn't accept.
"It's okay. I got you. I got you and no one's gonna hurt you anymore. I'm gonna get you out of here, but we need to move quick, okay?" She nodded in understanding and complete trust. God bless you, sweet girl. He helped her to her feet and wrapped an arm around her, keeping her close.
Joel led Ellie out of the burning restaurant. Away from the carnage. Different implications ran through his head. All he knew was that something bad happened and he wasn't there. Ellie was a mess, and he needed to get her out of here. Some place safe.
That fucking bell was still tolling. He could hear a few distant shouts of men over it, along with the crackling of the flames and the whistling of the growing wind. The snow was coming down harder. A storm was coming in fast, and that was a blessing. Neither of them was in top fighting condition. They needed a quiet and untraceable escape. Joel held his bow in one hand, the other, he kept on Ellie's back, tucking her between himself and the buildings as he followed them away from the town's center. They reached a building corner at the edge of the town. Joel heard voices on the other side. He put an arm across Ellie, making sure she stayed behind him.
"The fire's getting bigger," a man said. "One infected kid isn't gonna matter if the whole town burns down."
"The others will take care of it," another answered. There was a beep and an unintelligible staticky voice. A radio, Joel realized.
"Fuck!" one of the men exclaimed. "David's dead."
"What!?"
"She fucking hacked him to pieces!"
Joel stole a glance at Ellie who was pushed up against the wall beside him. He saw the hitch of her breath in her chest at the mention of the man's name. He put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly. She looked at him, visibly calming as her eyes met his.
"How's a fuckin' kid do all this?"
Joel felt a mix of pride and concern at that.
"I don't know, but she ain't getting out of here alive."
That's what you think, Joel thought. He nocked an arrow and peered around the corner. Both men were slightly turned away from them, presently watching the other directions. They were about 45 yards out. Not the most preferable distance, but certainly and thankfully doable. Joel picked the one with the radio first. He drew back, lined up his shot, aiming high, and let the arrow go. The thwack of the release was followed by the low thud of the arrow striking home. The man grunted. The other yelled. Joel readied a second arrow and looked back around the wall. The remaining man had his gun up but was unsure exactly where the shot came from. He let the second one fly. This one hit the guy low in the chest. He went down, screaming.
Shit. He had to shut this guy up before he gave them away. Joel prepared another shot. As he made a move to take it, the guy fired his rifle. The bullet hit the side of the building above Joel's head. He felt Ellie grab his arm. He had to get her out of here. Without hesitation, he fluidly turned, aimed and let go. The arrow stuck the guy at the base of his neck. Joel saw red pour as the man's hands dropped his gun and came up towards the wound. He fell back, making choking sounds.
"Okay. Let's go," he told Ellie. They started their run out from behind the building. Joel was blindsided by a tackle from his right. A man slammed into him, knocking him into the snow. Joel immediately caught sight of a blade glinting in his hand as it came down towards him. He blocked his knife wielding hand with one arm and pushed him back with the other. Suddenly there was another knife. It plunged into the guy's neck below his ear repeatedly with sickening wet sounds. Warm blood splattered on the side of Joel's face. The body he was holding went slack and he shoved it off himself. He looked up at Ellie, bloody knife in an equally bloody hand. Her eyes were cold. Joel wiped the blood from his face with his sleeve. He reached for her hands, the one holding the knife first. "Ellie?" She didn't seem to hear him. "Ellie," he tried again. His hands touched hers and she blinked. Her eyes refocused, as if remembering where she was.
"I had to," she said quietly.
A rush of guilt swept him. "I know," he comforted. No matter what, he would make sure she knew it. She looked down at her knife and wiped the blade on her sleeve before closing it and returning it to her pocket. Joel offered her his hand. She took it, fingers entwining in his. "C'mon. We're getting out of here."
...
They had gotten out of the town. Joel tried to stay close to the trees and ridges to give them more cover. He hadn't let go of Ellie's hand. He used his body to shelter her from the wind as much as possible, but she was visibly shivering. He needed to find a place to hole up soon. Even though it was closest, he knew he couldn't take them back to the place they had been staying in case others came looking for them or the ones he'd left dead there. So, he focused on getting to an old bed and breakfast he'd seen on the map he used to find where Ellie had been taken. He just hoped it was still there and in relatively good condition.
Much to his relief it turned out that it was. It had a steel roof, and the paint-peeled structure was still sturdy. It would be getting dark soon. The wind had died down some, but the snow was still falling heavily. Joel led them around to the back of the big house and drew his pistol. The window on the back door had fallen in so it was easily accessible. Once inside, he switched his light on and handed Ellie the gun and another light he took from his bag. "Wait here for me," he instructed. A momentary look of panic crossed her features. He went back over to her. "I'm just gonna make sure it's clear. I'll be right back. I promise." He made sure she could hear his resolve. She nodded slightly, but the look didn't leave her face. Joel felt a hollowness as he left her to check the house.
He made his way to each room, looking for infected, other people and anything he might be able to use. He assessed each area to determine the best room to stay. This always considered vantage points, alternate escape routes and the ability to not be seen from the outside. It was standard scouting procedure for anywhere you planned to spend a night. Joel knew they would need to leave this area behind them as soon as possible, but truth be told, his side was killing him, and he was running on fumes; Ellie especially needed to rest for a day or two. He only wished he could give her more time. Maybe once they'd gotten far enough from here.
He found a room on the second floor. Instead of a window, it had a thick curtained door that was still intact and opened to a balcony that faced the way they had come in. Escape and vantage point. It had a real bed and even extra blankets in the closet. What was the old saying? Small favors? In addition, Joel had found some candles and a large cast iron pot in the kitchen that he could use to make a small fire in. No food, of course, but that was usual. He'd have to venture out for some tomorrow. There were woods nearby, so hopefully there would be squirrels or rabbits, maybe something bigger if they were lucky.
He had been gone for about fifteen minutes when he went back to get Ellie. He entered the room and felt a sense of dread when she wasn't standing by the door, and he was greeted by the feel of a cold gun barrel to his temple. There was a gasp and the gun dropped from his head.
"Joel! Oh my god! I'm sorry."
Joel exhaled and looked to his right where Ellie stood against the wall. Her eyes were wide, and shame and fear were audible in her voice. He gripped her shoulders and looked her in the eye. "It's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for." She took a couple of deliberate breaths, regaining control. "We're good," he assured her. "The house is clear." He placed a palm on her back and led her through the house to the room upstairs. Ellie sat on the bed and looked around as though dazed. "Not bad, huh?" Joel tried.
Ellie smiled just a little. "Sure beats a cement floor." Joel felt another pang of guilt, but her response was more like herself, and he felt hope at that. "And…" he began. He pulled the extra blankets from the closet. Ellie let out a sound that was part laugh and part sob. He draped a couple of them around her and tucked the ends together. "I'm gonna go get some things to get a fire going and get us some water." That worried look flashed across her face again but disappeared just as quickly. She pulled the blankets tighter around herself. Joel turned on the lamp he'd given her and set it next to her.
He cupped her face gently in his hand. "Hey. Just so we're clear about back there. It was either them or you," he told her solidly, intentionally echoing words from another time. Her eyes flashed to him and seemed to lighten a bit. She nodded. His hand lingered a second longer before he headed back downstairs, wanting to make it as fast as possible.
Joel used his hatchet to cut some kindling from the wood cabinets as well as some larger pieces to burn. He'd come back for pieces of the stair railing and tables later. He put the cabinet chunks inside the heavy cast iron pot. He went to the oven and pulled the rack, then located a big steel pot which he filled with snow. He placed the latter in the cast iron and the rack on top and headed back to Ellie.
She hadn't moved from where he'd left her this time. But her head was bowed and her whole body was noticeably shaking. Joel knew that cold muscles started to shake upon warming, but this was not that. She was in shock. No matter how strong one's resolve was, it couldn't stop that. He set the items down and knelt in front of her.
"I don't feel right," she whispered.
Joel felt a twinge of fear stab his gut. Gently, he held her upper arms. "Are you hurt anywhere?" He had visually assessed her on their trek through the storm, trying to distinguish what may be her blood in what covered her. She was beat to hell and exhausted, but she hadn't seemed badly injured.
She seemed to think about his question before she slowly shook her head back and forth. "Ellie?" He needed better than that.
"No. Nothing bad. Not like…" she took a quivering breath and winced. "Not like you," she finished.
Joel sighed sadly. "It's alright. It's not bad anymore. Okay?" He touched her cold and blood-crusted cheek with the backs of his fingers. She sounded so young and fragile, and Joel was yet again reminded of how young she really was. This life wasn't fair. He knew there was nothing he could do about that, but he could make sure she didn't need to carry more of it than she had to, and he could make sure she was alright.
Somewhat reluctantly, he turned away and set to work getting a fire going in the cast iron. He placed it on the floor behind the side of the bed furthest away from the balcony door to better conceal the light. He had some old magazine paper he placed in with the kindling. A few strikes of his steel against flint and it was smoldering. He blew on it and watched satisfactorily as flame eventually took hold. He lit a couple of the candles, placing one on the dresser and one on the nightstand. Once the fire in the pot became well established, he put the oven rack overtop and the other, smaller pot filled with snow on top of that. It was dark now, but the low glow from the fires and their lamps made it pretty easy to see. Joel watched the snow start to melt, silently dreading what he had to do next. He turned his attention back to Ellie. While he was confident that she didn't have any major external injuries, he hadn't missed the way she had an arm almost constantly curled around her middle, or the way she moved and breathed like it hurt.
"I need you to take off your jacket." His tone was soft, intentionally so, but he saw the flinch, the flicker of panic behind her eyes. Her eyebrows fell into inverted Vs.
A knot formed within him and ignited a flicker of rage. That guy was lucky Ellie had gotten to him first. Her eyes began to shimmer just a little, betraying her normally hardened facade.
Very lucky, he thought.
He held a hand up in front of her and spoke with firm sincerity. "Ellie, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just need to make sure you're okay."
Joel's eyes searched hers, imploring. A long moment passed. He saw there was a lot more here, a lot he had missed. He cursed himself yet again for not being there. Joel pushed the anger aside for now. Ellie's eyes never left his, and they softened in quiet credence. Her shoulders relaxed. She looked down and nodded. "I know." A wave of pride and affection for her washed through Joel. He didn't deserve the amount of trust she had in him.
With slow movements, Ellie lowered the blankets that had been wrapped around her and shrugged out of her jacket and sweatshirt. Her body hurt. Sharp pains stabbed at her insides with every breath. Joel waited, not pushing boundaries, just… there, making sure she knew he was if she needed.
She was down to her T-shirts. Her arms instinctively fell around her middle. She was shaking more now. Her teeth started to chatter. Joel wanted to make this quick. He knelt in front of her. He saw yellowing on the tender skin of her throat. The beginning of bruises. They were finger shaped. He clenched his teeth and found himself wishing he could go back there and kill every last one of them.
"I'm gonna have you lift your shirt up just a bit, okay?"
Ellie's small hands tentatively peeled away her shirt. Joel had to stifle back more rage at what he saw there. Dark bruising covered her left side, curling around to her stomach; deep purple blotches littered her lower back. Joel bit the inside of his cheek and closed his eyes against the sight in front of him. He was supposed to be keeping her safe. Bang up job he was doing.
He placed a palm lightly against her back and tried to ignore her jump at the touch. "I just need ya to sit up straighter." Ellie complied, her spine elongating. With his other hand, Joel gently prodded her lower back then around to her stomach, then her ribs. He felt for swelling, fluid or breaks. He glanced at her to make sure she wasn't too uncomfortable. Her muscles tensed and she winced at the pressure against her bruised torso. "Easy, kiddo," Joel said softly.
Ellie knew he wouldn't hurt her but couldn't help the apprehension that took hold. Both because of what happened and because everything hurt. His hand was gentle in its search for internal injuries, but as he started feeling along her ribs she hissed. It felt like she'd been stabbed. Joel gripped her shoulder, trying to keep her still and offer comfort. He could feel the progressed protrusion of her ribs from the lack of food. His heart sank. His fingers pushed along another one and she let out a whimper. "Fuck!"
"Alright. Alright. It's okay." The hand on her shoulder tightened. Joel sighed and lowered her shirt. "You got a couple of broken ribs. Not much we can do about that, but that seems to be worst of it."
Yet as he looked at her again, he didn't feel anymore sure that was true.
"They fuckin' hurt," Ellie stated indignantly, tucking an arm back around them.
"Yeah, I know," Joel said empathetically.
He handed her back her red zip up hoodie. When she had put that on, he held the green outer jacket out to her. She stared at it and looked at him. His mouth thinned and his eyes held understanding. He didn't want to see that grim spattered jacket back on her either, but it was too cold to remove layers, and they both knew it. He'd find her new clothes as soon as possible. She took it and stiffly put it back on.
A question had been gnawing at him. It was one he desperately did not want to entertain the idea of, but he had to know if he was going to be able to help her.
"Ellie? They didn't…" He trailed off, not knowing how to form the words. At the look of knowing that dawned on the young girl's face, he realized he didn't have to.
"No," she said, and Joel released the breath he didn't know he'd been holding.
"I stopped him." She almost whispered it. "I fucking stopped them from doing anything to anyone ever again." She seemed to be affirming this for herself. "Sick fucks," she spat as tears filled her eyes.
Joel didn't miss how she had first said "him." The guy he had pulled her off of- David- had clearly earned her ire. He darkly hoped that asshole had time to feel the blade biting him before Ellie ended his life.
"Did you see? Did you see what they did?" Her voice was strained and urgent. There was a panic forming in her eyes again.
Joel's mind went back to the bodies hanging from hooks, the list with various quantities of pounds. Once more he took her face in his hands. "I saw." Ellie wrapped a cold bloodied hand around his wrist, as though grateful he understood.
"You stopped them," he reaffirmed. "They're not gonna hurt you again. I promise." Joel meant it. He would do whatever it took to keep her from going through anything like that ever again.
Joel promised. She believed him. It was more than that though. It was unconditional and infinite. She felt warmer inside. Her eyes caught a glint of dark red on the bottom of his shirt. "What the fuck, Joel!?"
"What?" he asked, clearly alarmed.
"You're bleeding!" He had been near dead the day before. No way was one dose of antibiotic this big of a fucking miracle. He couldn't be as okay as he seemed. Why the fuck hadn't she thought of it- of him- sooner!?
Joel saw her wide eyes and followed them down to his side. Sure enough, a fresh crimson stain had formed on his shirt. He lifted it. A couple of the stitches had broken and pulled a portion of the mostly closed wound open. Fresh blood coated the area but wasn't heavy. His hand brushed over the other hole in his back. It came away just a little oozy. The crude stitches he knew Ellie had put in had done their job.
"Just popped a couple of stitches. It's okay."
"Like hell it is," Ellie burst out. "Joel, you almost fucking died, and I didn't know what to do!" Her green eyes were bright with anger and fear. Her whole body tensed under his hands.
"Hey. Hey," he said softly. Giving her shoulders a gentle squeeze to focus her attention. "But you did. You did know what to do, Ellie. You stayed alive, and you kept me alive. You did that."
For a moment the storm in her eyes started to dissipate, then it changed course. "Oh fuck!" she cried. "Fuck!" She was nearly in tears now, and Joel's heart and nerves were on a rollercoaster.
"What is it!?"
"My bag. They must've taken my bag." She wasn't making much sense, but her dismayed needfulness was plainly evident.
"It's right here," Joel reached behind him and pulled her bag out of his pack. She snatched it from his grasp and began rifling through the front pocket. A relieved sigh left her in a whoosh. She visibly loosened as she held a small bundle against her chest. "They didn't take it."
"Ellie, what-?" Joel began. She lightly thrusted the rag-wrapped bundle she was clutching at his chest. He could hear the small tinkling sound of glass. He carefully unwrapped the cloth to reveal two glass bottles and a syringe. He caught sight of the label: penicillin. "How the hell did you get this?" he asked in awe. He looked at Ellie. Something behind her eyes darkened again. Her mouth became a tight line. "This is how you got mixed up with them," he guessed softly. She sure hadn't needed the medicine for herself.
Oh, Ellie.
"I shot a buck. When I tracked it, two guys were there. They said they were from a group with women and kids, that they were hungry." She scoffed. "Anyway, you needed medicine. I took the trade." She looked at Joel, begging him to understand.
Here she was, half-starved, and she passed up a feast to try to save him. Joel's heart ached at that.
"That wasn't wrong. You didn't know what they were gonna do."
Ellie looked down, away from Joel's gaze. A look of what Joel thought might be shame went across her face before her expression became unreadable to him. She seemed to withdraw inward. He wouldn't push her. He set the penicillin on the nightstand and dipped his fingers into the pot of melted snow. The water was lukewarm now. Good enough. He tore a couple of strips off the mattress skirt. "Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"
She looked at him then. "We need to fix your stitches."
"We will." Joel placed a hand under his shirt against the wound and looked at it. There was only a small smear of blood. "It's not bleeding much now." He held his hand up for her to see and wiped it off on his pants. He could see the protest brewing on her face and took her chin between his thumb and index finger. "You took care of me. Now let me take care of you. Please." Her eyes began to swim, and she lowered her head, giving silent permission. His palm settled on her cheek, giving silent thanks.
Joel submerged the fabric in the water and rung it out. Holding her chin, he began wiping away the motley of grime and blood that speckled her face, mingling with her freckles. He pushed her hair back from her forehead and saw a small oozing cut by her temple just below her hairline. He dabbed the blood from it, causing Ellie to squeeze her eyes shut with a sharp inhale. "Sorry, kiddo. Your head hurt anywhere else?"
"Everything hurts," she stated with flat weariness. Joel felt for her, but the fact that she was now noticing her pains was a good thing.
She remembered her and David falling, the back side of her head hitting the floor before she blacked out, before she… She rubbed at it.
"Back here?" Joel asked.
"Huh?" She hadn't realized what she was doing. "Yeah."
Joel's fingertips rubbed the back of her scalp. They brushed over a knot and her shoulders hunched. There was no broken skin, just a sizable goose egg.
Joel rewet the cloth a few times. It was warm on her face and made her feel sleepy despite her body's aches. The small fire by her feet only made it worse, as this was the first time in a while that her toes weren't cold and hurting. She glanced at Joel's face a couple of times, but it was unreadable. He seemed focused on removing all evidence of what happened, of what she did. She just didn't know how to make him understand. She didn't know if she could make herself, either.
His hands were warm and gentle. They were hands that she knew were capable of horrible things, but they made her feel safe. After the things she had seen him do, it kind of surprised her how gentle he could be. Before all of this though, he had been a father, so maybe it shouldn't be so surprising. Ellie didn't know what it was to have someone like that. Did she? She swallowed, knowing she already knew the answer.
As the dirt and gore was washed away from her face, Joel saw shades of purple and yellow that would be even darker by morning. The bruising and the cuts stood out starkly against the paleness of her flesh. The time he'd been out of it had been hard and wanting.
He had seen the bodies as he searched for her back in the town. He remembered how she had cleared their way through the university after he'd been injured. How many men had she killed then? Joel couldn't recall that, only how he had hated that she was the one doing it because he couldn't. Now she'd done it again for him. Surviving was easier. It was fighting for something that was hard because you'd do anything to keep it safe, and sometimes that chipped away pieces of yourself.
He could feel when she looked to him. It almost seemed like she was afraid that he would vanish like a puff of smoke. It hadn't really occurred to him that she had been.
Vague memories had started coming back to him. Ellie's voice. Pleading, sometimes angry but fearful. Other times he thought she just talked to him. He remembered small cold hands on his wound, the mind-numbing pain. Her lifting him, getting him to eat, to drink, cleaning him up.
He cleared his throat. "How long was I, uh…"
Ellie didn't answer for a long moment.
"A few weeks."
Joel's movements ceased and he met her eyes. Yeah, there was a lot he had missed. She had essentially been on her own for that long, having to figure out how to keep them both alive. He was filled with pride and amazement, but mostly sorrow.
"I'm so sorry, Ellie."
"It's not your fault," she all but whispered.
When he found his voice trustworthy enough to speak, he told her, "You did real good, kiddo." He wanted her to hear every single word for the fond praise it was.
She looked down again. Joel had cleaned her face and moved to her blood encrusted hands. He took one in his and rubbed the cloth over her cut knuckles, in between fingers.
Ellie shook her head slowly back and forth. "They were part of the same group from the university…" She said it so quietly that Joel had to lean in to hear her.
"They followed us?"
Ellie shook her head again. "Well, some did, right after, but I took care of them."
Jesus. How much more hell had she gone through that he didn't know about?
"The deer. One of the two guys went back to their camp for the medicine. He was the one I killed with the cleaver." She remembered planting it into his neck vividly. "I made… David…" She shuddered at his name. Joel squeezed her hand, wrapping his fingers around hers. She squeezed his back, drawing strength. "I made him stay with me until he got back. Infected showed up and we had to fight together. I think that's why he… wanted me alive." She took a shaky breath. "He knew it was us that killed the others at the university. He knew because of me, and he let me leave." She looked up at Joel, eyes full of tears and self-blame. "I knew. I knew and I just left."
Now he understood.
"They fucking followed me back. I… I had to lead them away… but they shot Callus." Joel hadn't bothered asking about the horse. He had somewhat dolefully assumed as much. "Those mother fuckers shot him out from under me." She was crying now. The tears felt hot on her face, burning permanent shameful tracks. She hated them. She swiped them away mercilessly with the back of her sleeve. "I should have just fucking killed them after I got the medicine."
"Others still would have come lookin' for them," he explained.
Ellie let out a breath. "I could have gotten us both killed. I was so stupid," she chagrined herself.
Her voice broke, and so did Joel's heart. He shook his head. "You didn't. You saved us, Ellie. Christ, you did more than most people ever could."
Ellie's brows furrowed as she struggled with his words. She didn't deserve them. She had led that group back to them. Then she had gotten caught. Joel never would have been that stupid.
But Joel hadn't been there. Not really. Every time Ellie awoke or returned from looking for supplies, her heart would clench, threatening to stop altogether until she saw he was still breathing, that he was still with her.
"Joel…" her voice strained from her constricting throat as more stupid tears threatened to drown her from the inside. "I thought…I thought you…" She found she couldn't give the words life. "I was so fucking scared." She settled on that, because yeah, that pretty much summed it up.
Joel watched her still fight not to break, even as the tears welled and spilled over onto her cheeks. He heard the real admission she was making. Just as he'd heard it back at that ranch house with Tommy.
"What are you so scared of?" Ellie had asked.
This.
This is what he'd been fighting. He'd been reluctant to take the job on for a lot of reasons. It had been easy enough in the beginning. Like Tess had said, the girl was just cargo. But then she wasn't. He had recognized it well before he had tried to dump her off on Tommy. He couldn't afford to get any more attached; he didn't want the pain and guilt of another loss, because in this world you always lost. It was inevitable.
So was what happened between him and Ellie, he now saw. He had tried to suppress his growing fondness of the kid. It only made him think of Sarah. The guilt and grief of her death had never left him, but its weight grew heavier with his increasing caring for Ellie.
No, she wasn't his daughter, but she wasn't a replacement for her either and it had taken him a while to come to terms with that. Ellie needed him too. Just maybe, they needed each other. He knew he was where he wanted to be, and he finally accepted it.
He heard the way she cried out his name, like everything was held together in it. He had left her alone and scared. It didn't matter if it was unintentional. He wasn't going to let it happen again.
Joel dropped the rag in his hand and wrapped his arms around Ellie, much like he had when he had found her earlier. Except this time her arms encircled his neck. Her hands grabbed and fisted in the back of his jacket, pulling herself tightly against his chest.
The movement pulled at wounds and broken ribs, but neither noticed. Ellie's face pressed into his shoulder, and he settled a hand against her grimy auburn hair, thumb rubbing against the strands. Her face and Joel's shirt were wet, and her small frame silently shook. The strong arms around her somehow tightened even more without hurting. They were shielding. Protecting. Holding her together while allowing her to fall apart. She breathed in deeply against his jacket. He rested a rough cheek against her head, and she thought maybe it felt damp and that it wasn't just her that was shaking.
"Don't ever fucking do that to me again," Ellie said through tears.
Joel wanted to tell her the same. He had been scared too. Waking up to find Ellie gone. Finding out she was in that place. He hadn't known that kind of fear since Sarah. He hadn't wanted to feel that ever again, to be responsible for it ever again. But here he was.
And he wasn't going to change it for anything.
"You've got my word, baby girl." It came out naturally and without thought. Just as before, and just as before, he meant it.
…
Joel had changed out the snow in the pot. He made sure Ellie drank some water and had a small ration of the oatmeal that she had found a few days prior and stashed in his bag once the immediate threats of shock wore off. He ate as well, knowing he also needed to get his strength back up. It was bland, but it was nourishment, and it was hot. Joel watched as Ellie picked at it, slowly eating the meager meal. He understood her lack of appetite, but she wasn't dumb, and she knew she needed it. She also did it for him.
After their short dinner, he had tried to make her lay down, but she once again brought up his popped stitches. He let her check his back. The wound had started to pull, and it oozed some of the infection out, but those stitches had blessedly held.
"Gotta fix them though," she said exhaustedly, pointing to his front right side.
"I'll get them, I promise, but you need sleep," he told her. Yet despite the tiredness evident all over her features, her eyes were still fearful.
"Ellie, I'll be right here. I'm not goin' anywhere."
She sighed. "I know. I just don't think I can sleep with all that in my head." She worried that the horrors of the past few days- weeks- would plague her even in her unconsciousness. She hated bad dreams.
"I'll be here to wake you if it gets bad," he offered. Fatigued and hopeful green eyes met his. "You promise?"
The corner of Joel's mouth pulled up. "I promise." After a few more seconds of consideration, Ellie finally laid down. She winced at the pain the movements brought, and Joel was there to help ease her under the covers. It took a moment to find a comfortable position that didn't hurt her ribs. Joel placed all the blankets over her and when her worried eyes still looked to him, he sat beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. Before long she drifted off.
…
Ellie opened heavy stuck eyelids. She felt a cold absence and immediately noticed Joel. He was sitting on the edge of the mattress with his back to her. He was in his t-shirt, and Ellie could see the darker stain on the lower back right side of it. Thankfully, it appeared dry. Her eyes fell on the makeshift suture kit of an old sewing needle and some kind of thread still tied to it on the nightstand beside him, and the penicillin had been moved. She was hopeful he had given himself another dose. His broad shoulders were hunched, and his head was hung. After a moment she figured out what he was doing. She'd seen him do it a thousand times. His hand was on his broken watch.
Her heart ached for him. He had been through so much, and she could only guess at some of it. It was no wonder he had become so hardened. It was no wonder he had been so reluctant to open himself up to her. She recalled when Maria had first told her about Sarah back at the dam. She had been asking how their journey had been…
"It's been… hard. We lost some people," Ellie confessed. Her thoughts went to Tess, Henry, and Sam.
Maria had nodded solemnly. "Well judging from what I saw out there at the gate, the two of you seem pretty capable. Looks like you're a good team."
Ellie smiled half-heartedly at the intended compliment and mood lifter. She absently twisted at her finger.
"What is it?" Maria had asked. It was odd hearing a note of concern in the voice of a woman she had only just met.
Ellie had struggled with the words. "It's just… Joel doesn't exactly seem thrilled with me." She felt silly saying it. Once the words rolled off her tongue, she regretted them; she felt like she was betraying him somehow.
Maria's expression changed. "I'm sure it's nothing that you've done. It's probably understandable, given what happened with his daughter."
"Daughter?" Oh man, she thought. Ellie felt a heavy looming. "What do you mean?" She asked tentatively.
The blond woman's eyes widened beneath her risen brows. Ellie saw that Maria had mentioned something she didn't realize Ellie wasn't privy to. "It's not my place to say."
Ellie couldn't hide her look of disappointment. She wanted to understand Joel, and if he wouldn't help her with that…
Maria sighed. "But maybe you should know, considering the circumstances." Ellie waited for her to continue.
"At the beginning of the outbreak, Tommy, Joel and Joel's daughter, Sarah, were trying to get out of Austin. They wrecked their car and Sarah broke her leg. They had to run from the infected on foot, so Joel carried her. He found a soldier he thought would help. Instead, he opened fire on them. Sarah was hit. She died a couple of minutes later. She was only twelve."
Ellie was speechless. Suddenly Joel's distance made sense. She couldn't imagine what he'd gone through, or how agonizing those moments had been for him and his daughter.
"Tommy's only talked about it a couple of times, but he said it was the worst night of his life because he lost his niece and his brother that night," Maria said quietly. Ellie's heart had sunk.
…
Ellie understood that Joel probably felt like he was betraying his daughter, and that he was afraid to lose anyone else like that. She didn't blame him, but she did want to help him. She decided she wasn't so afraid to ask now, not after everything they had been through.
"Your daughter gave you the watch, didn't she?"
She saw Joel's body still in reaction to her sudden intrusion on his thoughts. Then his back and shoulders relaxed. For a moment, she thought he had been crying, but when he spoke, he spoke evenly.
"For my birthday," he answered. "The same night the world went to hell. The same night she died bleeding and in pain in my arms."
Ellie swallowed thickly. She felt the pain rolling off him. His shoulders looked weighted with it. He'd lost everything in one night, on a day that should have been special. Didn't get much more unfair than that.
She reached for him. Her fingers entwined in the fabric of his shirt at his back, letting him know he wasn't alone. "Joel, I'm so sorry."
It was quiet for a long moment. Months before, Ellie would easily guess it was just him brushing her off, but things had changed. Yet Joel was quiet for just long enough that Ellie started to worry she had made the wrong move.
"Thank you," he told her softly. He wasn't angry. He sounded sad and weary. He had been for a long time.
"You didn't fail her. She was lucky to have you. So am I." He made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.
Her hand tightened in his shirt, fingers pushing against the skin next to his spine through the fabric. "I'm afraid too," she admitted. It had crossed her mind to tell him about Riley, but it was still too fresh, and it wasn't really the same. Someday she would, but not here. This was about Joel. She knew he couldn't feel failure and loss like that again, and it always threatened what you cared about. The more you cared about something, the more terrifying the thought of losing it was.
"But I'm not scared like I was before." She needed him to know that. Before, she had all but been alone. Riley was the only real anything she had ever had. Until she met Joel, and that was worth everything. It meant everything.
Joel turned slightly and reached his hand back. His fingers curled around the ones that were pressed against his lower back.
"Me either," he said. His voice was husky, but his tone was light. He turned to look at her. His eyes still held that pain- it would always be a part of him- but he smiled a little and it reached them.
"You should get some more rest, kiddo."
"Only if you do too." She knew how worn he was. He chuckled lightly. He relented and laid on his side next to her. They looked at one another for a moment, a thousand words passing between them before Ellie sidled closer, tucking her hands between them and her face into his chest. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Joel's arm came up around her and his hand rubbed small circles on her back. She could feel herself drifting. A loose strand of hair was tucked behind her ear in what she didn't know was once a well-practiced gesture, and she let her fears go for now.