A/N: A while ago Luisa ( hellcsweetie) on twitter asked what we think Donna would do in case Louis used Harvey's panic attacks to get Harvey suspended. Well, that's what I have in mind.
Also thank you Cassie ( cassie_ether) and Alicia ( mmooresrafferty) for helping me to improve this one. It means so much! 3
Hope you like it! Let me know what you think. Reviews are always welcomed and appreciated :D Read what you think about the story and my writing always inspire me :D
The vote meeting happens first thing in the morning. It could last a half an hour, or hours. It would all depend on how things would go on. Every named partner, partners and members of the board are there to decide if Harvey is going to be suspended or not.
Donna hears the meeting she bugged through the intercom. She had been hearing meetings while working for Harvey, so she kept doing it while working for Louis. There's no reason to stop.
Jessica starts the meeting, greeting them with a good morning and quickly introduces the purpose of them being there, and gives Harvey a chance to speak for the matter. Instead of defending himself, he declares he's guilty of hitting Louis, apologizes and announces he'll share part of his salary as Louis suggested, showing them all he is acting in good faith, and in the greater good, whatever their decision.
When Jessica passes the word to Louis to present his opposing view, Donna holds her breath expecting him to say no and the partners to vote. But Louis initiates his speech and his voice, tone and words surprise her.
"And if you are all thinking hitting me isn't reason enough for his suspension." Louis makes a pause.
Harvey had predicted Louis' move when he said, "I guarantee you Louis is going to have a dirty trick up his sleeve for that vote." She didn't believe Louis would go that far against Harvey. Now, facing the facts, she knows Louis is capable for the sole purpose of petty revenge of using such a personal recording where Harvey admitted he is having panic attacks.
Her heart is pounding hard inside her chest. If someone was close to her, they could listen to the heartbeats. She freezes for a millisecond, unsure of what to do. Should she interrupt the meeting to stop him from finishing his line? She steps up, certain of the answer. But before she could take one step further, she hears Louis talking again.
"I add that Harvey Specter, our respectful partner, is having panic attacks. That's why he hit me. He can't handle his emotions at the moment." Another pause and silence. "I think taking a break from the firm will help him focus on his mental health." He proceeds.
Maybe Louis isn't wrong about the last part. Harvey could benefit from some time away from the company. And Louis has the right to be mad at Harvey for hitting him and to ask for his suspension. But Louis has no right to expose and humiliate Harvey in front of the board. Not because having panic attacks is a weakness, but because it should be up to Harvey to talk about his mental health. His choice, not anyone else.
She turns off the voice recorder, quickens her steps, and goes to where the meeting is happening. Before she can reach the room, she sees Harvey's figure fleeing the meeting room, shooting forward from the end of the corridor opposite to where she's coming from. Her chest aches from the thought of him suffering and having nowhere to go.
Through the glass, she sees some partners whispering between them, some glancing at Harvey running and anothers to Louis and Jessica still sitting at the table . She looks at Louis, whose smile makes her want to punch him right in the face. She has the same facial expression as Jessica. There's something more than shock. As far as Donna knows, Jessica doesn't know Harvey is having panic attacks. So, to Jessica, it's as much a surprise as to the others.
With the meeting still happening, Jessica assumes the lead. Donna doesn't enter the room to learn how she's going to deal with the possibility of Harvey being suspended for three months.
Donna leaves the mess behind her and goes after Harvey. Regardless they are still figuring out how things are going to work between them; she doesn't care if he wants her around or not. She can't just do anything. Not only for him, but for her. She needs to check if he's okay and offer her help.
She looks for Harvey for twenty minutes but her search comes up empty. On her way to her desk, she remembers he might be on the rooftop to clear his mind. Switching her direction, she goes to the way it will lead her to where she thinks he is. As expected, she finds him there. Something seems out of place.
From where she's standing, she can't clearly see what's wrong, but she can see his face is sullen. She quickens her steps towards him and the Harvey she sees is one she's not accustomed to.
"Harvey?" she asks for his attention. Harvey looks up like he's seen a ghost. His tie is loose on his neck, his face is indeed pale and also sweaty, and he is having trouble breathing.
Donna has never seen someone having a panic attack, let alone this someone being Harvey. She lowers herself to get closer to him and tries to recall every tip she has ever read in her life about how to help someone with severe anxiety.
"Hey. I'm here. I'm gonna help you," she says in a soft tone, trying her best to hide how scared she is. "Take my hands." She intertwines her fingers on his, squeezing them. "You need to breathe, Harvey," she explains. "Try to follow my breath. One, two, three." She locks her eyes with his, searching for any change in his focus.
She tries to breathe in, and breathe out with him a couple more times until he's back respiring regularly. She squeezes her hands, that still hold his.
"Good, Harvey. One more time. One, two, three." She says when his pupils aren't dilated anymore and his chest is moving at a normal speed.
They stay in silence while Harvey recovers his breath and feels comfortable enough to do something. He doesn't take much longer to free his hands from hers, but he keeps sitting on the floor.
Donna waits patiently for him to say something, but as he seems much better and the color in his face is back, she understands he won't say anything. Probably he'll act on this as normal behavior ,not address any real problem, and move on as if nothing has happened.
"Do you want water? I can grab some. It won't take much time. You can wait here." She speaks as she pulls up on her feet.
"Don't. I don't need water," he answers, standing up, finding the strength to straighten his tie.
Donna scans him from foot to head, checking if he's really okay. Although she doesn't know what's happening in his life at the moment, she still recognizes when he's lying. She gives him a look like she used to when they were working together, speaking without words, that she doesn't buy what he's saying and she's there to help him.
"If you need help, I'm here," she tries.
"I don't need you, Donna. You left. You made a clear decision on where you stand."
His words hit hard, and she feels at her worst since all this mess has begun.
"Harvey—" She tries to speak, but Harvey cuts her off.
"No. What you saw is never gonna happen again. I'm taking care of it. Thank you for your help. I appreciate it. But from now on, let me do my thing. Go do yours."
Donna knows better than to push him to open up to her. If this was any other moment, maybe she could snap him out of it. But she just witnessed him having a panic attack. Forcing him would do no better to the situation.
She lets him leave ahead of her, staying on the rooftop for a few more minutes, facing the view of the big city of New York while reflecting on the recent events that have changed her life in ways she could never predict.
On her way back, she passes in front of the meeting room to confirm the place is empty and the vote has ended. When she's back at her desk, she also sees Louis isn't in his office. She assumes he's talking with Jessica in her office. So, she has plenty of time to replace her concern for Harvey with anger for Louis and the mess he made.
She warned Louis to never put her in a position against Harvey ever again. Against her principles. Which Louis promised her he wouldn't, but deep down she knew he would make the same mistakes all over again and would break her trust. However, there they are facing something even worse: Louis actually did something to harm Harvey in a personal way.
Add to the anger, there's also guilt. Guilt for picking Louis' side. She has always known he is someone you cannot rely on. Louis is the type of person who lets their emotions speak loud and gets blind with jealousy, resentment and insecurity. Despite all of that, she should know better than to work for him.
By the time Louis is back at his office, she's burning with an after-clap.
"Not now, Donna," Louis discourages while passing by her desk and stepping into his office, closing the door.
Donna can tell he's in full rage mode, but he will not escape without a lecture from her. She doesn't give a shit about what he wants right now.
She grabs a piece of paper from her desk before striding after him. Her heels screams on the floor as she enters the room and shuts the glass behind her.
"Oh, you're going to hear this whether you want it or not" she says. Her voice is an octave louder.
"I don't, Donna." Louis places himself behind his desk. "Do I have to remind you're my secretary? You will not bullshit me with whatever you think you may say." Louis states.
Donna steps closer, the desk between them stopping her from going any further.
He had used the "you're my secretary" card before in another situation with Harvey, demanding her to pick a side.
"Once you pick a side, if you're not loyal to that side, then who the hell are you?"
Harvey's words and her own running through her mind.
But this time there's nothing Louis could say that would stop her from doing what she's about to do, especially with him belittling her position once more.
"You will not do this, Louis." she says, pointing her finger in the air as if she was talking to a child.
"Do what? Putting you in your place?" he asks.
Everything she wishes to say is going to be misunderstood by the man in front of her. She breathes, trying to compose herself and restrain the words she wants to shout out loud.
Harvey has flaws and she can do an extensive list with them, but during all the time they were together he had diminished her with his bullshit of "I'm here and you're…" Only once. On that occasion, she made herself clear that if he wanted a person to do paperwork, that someone wasn't her.
Donna is the woman who speaks her truths and knows people better than themselves, which makes her the person you want around in case you're about to walk on the verge of what is legal. She's always there to lead you in the right direction.
She thought Louis would know her more strongly than to think she would act differently. Because what she does, it's not solely directed to Harvey. It's the core of her. What she believes is the best way to do her job. No matter who the other person is, she will do her Donna-thing.
"You must be kidding me." She places both hands on her waist.
"NO, YOU MUST ME KIDDING ME," Louis screams, losing the control he was trying to keep. "YOU WORK FOR ME. YOU'RE MY SECRETARY, NOT HIS." He walks past the corner of the desk, putting himself in front of her. "You should think better about your loyalty. This is the second time you're coming after me to defend him," says Louis, who's now in a low tone which only she can hear and she can't help but be scared he's somehow threatening her.
"Don't you get it? I'm not trying to justify him. I'm trying to make you be reasonable. To make you better." Even though he was screaming at her, she doesn't let him break her and she keeps her voice low but firm.
"Are you suggesting he's better than me?"
She stays still. Harvey's words on her mind: "Then you should have thought of that before you picked someone who would do something like this in the first place."
For all the time she and Harvey worked together, he almost crossed some lines, but she always tried her best to keep him at bay. But Harvey had never purposely hurt someone with personal matters. His work ethic might be questionable, but not his principles.
"SAY IT! ARE YOU SUGGESTING HE'S BETTER THAN ME?" Louis screams back "IF HE'S GOODMAN BETTER THAN ME WHY DID YOU CHOOSE TO WORK FOR ME? YOU KNOW HE DON'T DESERVE YOU AND YET YOUR LOYALTY IS STILL WITH HIM. WHY DONNA?" he demands.
She's trying her best to maintain things calmly, but she can't help but lose her temper with his last words.
"BECAUSE IT'S HARVEY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT," she screams back, as if it was the most obvious thing to say.
Both of them are breathing heavily. Louis stays silent. He wasn't expecting her to admit it. "And because it's Harvey, do you think it's okay to talk to your boss this way?" Louis' voice it's down but his anger is perceptive.
"Louis, I'm not gonna make a list of the reasons Harvey is different. I really thought at this point you would know he is different," she says in a low tone.
"You're just saying this because you two are on good terms now and you're afraid of losing him once again." He is pointing his finger at her face, he is close to screaming again. "You're choosing him over yourself like you always do. Remember Mark." He slumps on the chair, challenging her.
"You've got some nerves to bring up the Mark subject. To compare them." She expresses her disbelief as a low, short, and sarcastic laugh. He can't be serious. The only reason he knows about the reason for her break up with Mark it's because she confided to him. And now he's throwing that personal conversation back in her face for the second time. "You're totally blinded by your anger that you can't even process everything I said to you since you started this shit. I'm not choosing him over you. I'm choosing my principles. You crossed a line I can't accept."
None of them have more to say. They stay silent for a moment until Donna walks a few steps towards the desk, putting on the desk the piece of paper she brought when she entered the room.
"Consider this my formal resignation, but this time I'm not gonna give two weeks' notice and I'm not gonna help you find someone to replace me. Do it alone."
Before Louis can speak, she steps out of the room, leaving him behind her, not looking back. She passes by her desk, grabs the box she had organized while Louis was with Jessica and walks into the lobby's direction leaving everything she built behind her.
For some people, her decision could be impulsive, but it is not. The other day, she warned Louis what would happen in case he exposed Harvey's panic attacks to the board. So now it's time for him to deal with the consequences of his action.
It's early in the morning, a week after the partners' vote and Harvey is in his kitchen, brewing some coffee to get through the day. Life is hitting him hard. The attacks have become too personal for him. It all began a few months ago when Donna decided to move to Louis' desk. In the aftermath, he started having unbearable anxiety which made him go see a therapist to help him deal with it.
Fortunately, the partners felt some kind of empathy for what he was going through. He promised, as part of the terms for not being suspended, he would keep his therapy session to keep helping him to deal better with his anger issues.
After the verdict, when he was back at the firm, he learned Donna wasn't working for Louis. She wasn't working for the firm at all. His first instinct was to go after her, in her apartment, but knowing Donna, maybe it would be better to give her some space, since she blocked his calls. Add to that, Daniel Hardman going after Jessica and trying to be back to PSL caught all the time he had.
Glady, Daniel didn't succeed in trying to take the firm again, and Harvey was hoping to finally have time to navigate calm waters, but life said 'no'.
Now he's facing an attack on his protegée. Mike is being accused of fraud –which he knows Mike is guilty of, but will do whatever it takes to defend him.
He's tired. Tired fighting things so personal. He's not accustomed to it. Usually when things in his personal life go bad, he buries his head in work, but this time, his personal life and work life are too tangled and he can't separate one from another.
Of all the things, Donna's situation is one he thought would not last. In a conversation with Jessica, when she offered to force Donna to go back to his desk, he told her he would respect Donna's decision to work for Louis, even though it was killing him to be away from her. So, when he learned Donna had left he couldn't help but find it funny and to be glad that she can finally come back to work on his desk. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
It hurts him that Donna chose to work for Louis, but at least she was there working for his firm, for him somehow. He was counting the days she would change her mind and ask to come to his desk again.
It's an entirely different situation where they stand now. They're on good terms and before their world collapsed, they were trying to be friends. Although he wonders about the reason she left. Was it because of what Louis did to him? Harvey feels hurt and betrayed.
"Imagine what your life would be without her." Jessica's words hit him like a bullet.
He needs her help. He knows they're at a place where they're not the same, that things have to be spoken about. But at this moment, the only person he needs is her. He's done pretending otherwise. He's tired of living his life respecting her decision, as if the impact on his life it's nothing. Both can move on if he swallows his pride and chases after her.
He grabs his keys and runs to his front door. When pulls the handle, his jaw drops and his heart stops. The sight of fiery redhead is right in front of him. He was planning on thinking about what to say to her on the way to her place, but with her there, he didn't have the time to figure out the right words to say. He wasn't expecting her at his door at all.
"Donna." It was all he could think of in that second.
…
When Donna decides to quit her job at PSL she didn't think much on what to do after. All she did know at the time was she couldn't keep working for Louis after what he did to Harvey.
Being an unemployed person, she debated with herself what her next move in her career would be. Should she try to go after acting finally? Or should she keep her secretary's path? She settled on staying as a secretary, but took some time off before going to find another job. She had some savings for leaving without any new pay check.
After leaving,she obviously kept in touch with Rachel.
It is through Rachel, she eventually learns about Mike going to prison, and the first person that comes to her mind is Harvey.
Donna knows she and Harvey are not entirely as they are. They haven't had the time to heal since they last 'broke up', but as soon as she hears about Mike, she knows she needs to help Harvey. Not only for him, but for Mike and Rachel. They're friends. They're family.
She doesn't know how Harvey will react to her offering help, but she needs to try.
The last time they met at one another's house it was at her door. She said to him he couldn't go asking her for help; he had lost his right. Was that the reason he didn't tell her he was having panic attacks? Was it because she shut him down? Guilt rises harsh with the thought of her not being there for him when he needed her the most.
She is in front of his door before she can think of a strategy to pull his walls down if necessary. Her right hand fidgets, awaiting courage to knock on the door. Before she can move, the big wooden door opens, and he's right in front of her. The feeling of a kid getting caught doing something wrong rises in her but she's relieved not making the first move.
"Harvey," she says at the same time he says her name.
"What are you doin-"
"Can I-"
They cross each other's lines.
"I'm sorry for showing up so early in the morning," she explains while passing by the door he opens for her to step in.
"Nothing to be sorry about, Donna. In fact, I was going to look for you." He closes the door behind them and wanders towards the balcony, where she's already easing herself.
"Are you going to visit Mike in prison?" She goes straightforwardly.
"I can't, Donna," he says.
"Bullshit."
"No, it's not. If you were around, you would know." He answers back in the same accused tone as her. He can see on Donna's face how his words hurt her. He was about to go to her place and ask her to come back. Snap at her wasn't in his plan and won't help at all. If he wants to convince her, the situation needs to be handled differently.
"I can't be in the office right now." His voice is back to being soft. He pours some coffee and hands her a mug.
"Why not?"
"Because I resigned." He puts the jar on the coffee machine, after serving a bit more for himself.
"What?" Donna asks, stopping midair with the mug. "Are you leaving when they need you the most? When Mike needs you the most?"
"And you're saying this to me when you were the one that left when we all needed you?" He doesn't want to fight, but nothing is more like him than snapping out of her things without thinking straight.
"That's completely different, Harvey, and you know it."
"What I know is that you left without any notice while the firm you worked for 12 years, and the people you said you cared about were being ripped apart by Daniel Hardman. You did that when you told me you wouldn't leave."
She understands where his anger came from and the meaning hidden in his words. Maybe she can relate to it on some level. Because when she resigned from working for Louis, and Daniel Hardman came after them she was expecting Harvey to ask for her to come back, but he didn't. To be fair, he played his part as well as hers. If he didn't ask her to come back, not even trying to contact her to see if she was okay, why on earth should she be the one to take the first step?
"I left because of Louis. Because of what he did to you. Don't you dare judge me for that." She doesn't want to reveal her real reason. She isn't there to fight either. And she knows they have a lot of things to resolve. But they need to focus on Mike's situation.
"I know what I did, Harvey. I had my reasons. But I'm here now offering anything I can do to help," she says, trying to smooth the mood and put aside any other subjects.
"You're saying you're coming back to me?" He sips a bit of the black hot liquid, keeping his gaze on hers,
"Yes," she says, without second thoughts. "I am." She mirrors his moves, taking a sip of her coffee.
They hold their gaze for some time, acknowledging what just happened.
She sees a small smile on his face before he says, "Good."
They share a cup of coffee, putting some thoughts together. They make an initial plan to help Mike and the firm, so they need to act soon.
Later that night, Harvey texts her, saying they'll meet in the office tomorrow because he's back to the firm.
When tomorrow morning comes and their way crosses the hallway to Harvey's office, an enormous relief and smile fills the space between them. Even though Donna's day started with a threat to her dad, she knows she's safe because Harvey has her back.
With that, they are both happy to see each other where they never were supposed to leave. Harvey knows with her by his side, he can face whatever he needs to face. The confirmation he doesn't need that he can, but he will never choose to live without her.