Chapter 3: I Miss Him
A/N: I'm fanboying over this, but the one and only Calborghete, the author of Plan E commented! I spit out my coffee and threw some LOFI on. I'm gonna try to write it with new determination. I'll write this chapter, and if anybody has ideas I can use. I would be grateful. R & R!
I, I fucking. I can't. I don't, I don't know why I said what I said. It felt good being in control. Bullying him… I-. I took a piece of paper from his journal. That is what I'm writing on. I was full of vehemence, full of passion. They kicked me out of NERV, and for good reason. Toji would have killed me. His no hitting girls rule ended that day. I-, I watched it happen. My mother, she. She had the same thing. It happened to her.
I never fled to Germany. I left a note on the counter. I ran from home. I'd be killed if I went back. It pains me to even say Asuka.
He's not dead. He's a liar. He's just pretending to get my spot as the best pilot. Rei doesn't even come close to me. Shinji just wanted a medal, and a pat on the back. He was never dead. That was a scheme, wasn't it. It was. I-, I'm lying to myself.
It's just. For infuriating. I had to run from home, it's my personality. I just, it's anger. I didn't mean it. Nobody understood my anger. Shit! I just, I just. I just… I just… I just can't believe what happened, it's unbelievable, now I can't show my face anywhere around the world. I hate this.
I'd give my piloting skills to bring him back. Just to see him one more time. Even if it was just to say sorry. Ugh, I hate that word. I just, I'd give my synch rates. I'd give anything! I'd give anything. I don't care, just. Bring him back… please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Pretty please…?
Guilt has been eating at me so much. I need to visit his grave. I ran out of his funeral, I left in the middle. I made everybody's attention go on me, it wasn't even an event that I should be involved in. I stormed out, because my pride was wounded. I don't understand why I am so ignorant. He was the only one that cared… in a sense. I pushed him away, I did that. I might as well have helped him tie the noose and jump. I'll keep writing when I get to the grave.
It's been 7 hours, I made my way to Yokohama. Finally, I just think I've accepted his death in a way. It's a learning experience. I can come out of my shell, be who I want to be. Asuka. He showed me the way, in spirit. His gravestone, it's just. He still loved me. After everything. After I pushed him away, I stood him up. He loved me, because he knew I could change. I just wish, he was here. With me. I need to talk to Misato.
—-
Asuka walked upstairs, knocking lightly on the apartment door. Misato was drunk, stumbling and opening the door. She sobered up quite fast. "What do you want? I thought you were in Germany." She glared daggers at Asuka, clenching her hand into a fist. "I want to say sorry, to talk to you. The guilt has eaten most of me." Asuka told Misato, rubbing her arm. Misato shoved her in, sitting her down at the dining table. "You stood him up on a date? Then, you just didn't care? Jeez, why? Asuka, TELL ME!" Misato screamed, Asuka whimpering. "I don't know, I just want to get rid of this guilt. It felt good… I guess. To be in control… It was nice."
"Was it good when he KILLED HIMSELF ASUKA?!" Misato screamed, reaching across and slapping Asuka. "Are you happy!?" Misato continued, starting to cry. "I'm sorry. This, just. I want to clear this up with everybody." Asuka cried out, holding her face in her hands. "I just, I visited his grave. I don't know how he still loves me, after all of this time. All the shit that happened."
"Because he embraced you, wanting to help you. You pushed him away. Asuka." Misato scowled, trying to keep her cool. "Look. I'll let you stay here. I don't want you on the streets." Misato told her, "You better change, and shape up."
Asuka nodded, taking a deep breath. I never handed this to you. "This is Shinji's last note to you."
Asuka began to read, tears beginning to flood.
… Asuka, I hope that everything is fine after this. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I saw what was happening. I would never be happy. I was never satisfied, because I was never loved. No matter what you did, I don't care. If you pissed on my grave, I couldn't care at all. I still love you. I always have. I hope you remember this, and change for the better. Goodbye Asuka, I love you. Liebling…
"Fuck." She choked out, tears landing on the ripped up note. "God damn it, idiot." the redhead muttered, she went into her room. Everything was the same, except for one thing. Shinji's torn journal was left on the bed, worn out. She took it out, beginning to read. Every word, every sentence. Every happy, and sad moment. She read it a dozen times, crying herself to sleep.
Asuka left 1 flower on Shinji's grave for every time it was his birthday, Christmas, and on Valentine's Day. A memorial to him, that she was with him every day.
Asuka had let go of her guilt, letting Shinji's essence guide her on the path to a better life and a better Asuka. It's what Shinji would have wanted. It's what she wanted.
Fin… Maybe…
A/N: The story ending is cliché, I know I know. Calborghete, if you are reading this. Thank you, you and Rommel are some of my biggest inspirations for writing. This is a very short chapter.