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In Crossgates, just across from Mossgreen, sat a graveyard and an old Kirk. The graveyard was just as old as the Kirk and so was the Coaledge Tavern, which stood close by. Mossy, green and ageing headstones were hundreds of years old. The graveyard sat up a grassy slope, with a brick wall surrounding the small area. At the top of the slope and over the wall, was a cow field. And also, at the top of the slope, was Nelly's mother and brother's grave. They had been buried together – it would cost too much for a headstone each. Her father had his own headstone next to the wife and son he didn't love.
Crossgates hadn't changed since Nelly left all those years ago. It was still small, quiet, poor and somewhat depressing among the pleasant views of old Fife. She bought flowers from the only shop in the village – the same man still owned it and ran it with the help of his wife. Of course, he didn't recognise Nelly. But he was very interested in two Yanks visiting Crossgates. Speirs didn't give the man an answer – in fact, he told the man to mind his own business. The old shopkeeper grew flustered and promptly shut his mouth. And from the bottom of the village, they walked up a hill to reach Mossgreen and then followed a path that led them to the old Kirk.
Nelly gently set the flowers down in front of her mother and brother's grave. She didn't say a word. Speirs was standing a few feet behind Nelly, giving his younger cousin some space and room to say a proper goodbye. Because Nelly didn't get a chance before. She didn't attend the funeral because they locked her up. Rising to her feet, Nelly gave a brief look at her father's headstone and then turned to face Speirs.
He looked mildly confused. "You're finished?"
"Yeah".
"Don't you 'wanna...". Speirs gestured toward the graves. "Say something?"
Nelly's head cocked to the side in a confused manner. "Like what?"
"Like goodbye?"
"Oh". Turning back around, Nelly stared down at her mother and brother's grave. "Goodbye".
Speirs almost rolled his eyes. "Yeah – that'll do it". He said through a tiny sigh.
Nelly faced her cousin again. "Wrong?"
"No, it's – it's fine". Speirs said, "It's, however, you want it to be".
She bobbed her head. "It's wrong". Nelly mumbled. "Sorry".
"What? No...". Speirs frowned and took a small step toward her. "It's not wrong, Nelly".
"No...they...they deserve nice words but...". Nelly's head turned to face her father's headstone. She felt her gut twisting with anger. "He doesn't". She whispered.
With a small nod, Speirs clasped his hands behind his back.
Nelly shook her head. "It's fine – I didn't...I didn't need any of that anyway...". She said mostly to herself. "I didn't need a good...a good dad or...nice home...".
A frown settled on Speirs's face.
"It's fine...he didn't...he never made me feel safe". Nelly mumbled. "But it's fine...I could make myself feel safe...I could just leave the house...I could...I could climb the hill and see the cows and the sheep...I didn't need him...". Her eyes glared down toward the grave. "I didn't need him".
Behind them, Speirs could hear the squeak of the black gate opening. He quickly turned around and saw an elderly couple entering the graveyard. But his attention was brought back to Nelly, as she continued her quiet rant at her dad's grave.
"No happy birthday...no merry Christmas...no good morning, no goodnight. No hugs. No I love yous...". Her voice raised slightly. "He always said he hated me instead. He hated me. He chased me...hurt me...and hated me...".
Speirs took another small step toward Nelly.
And she turned around and looked up at her cousin. "It's fine, Ronnie...it's fine". She said to him fiercely. "Because you know...I won't be like that ever...and I'll...and I'll have babies and I'll tell them all the time that I love them...and I'll say happy birthday and merry Christmas. And I'll live in a nice house that's safe...I'll tell them I love them until I die because that's how...". Her voice broke. "That's how a parent should treat their own kids". Hand reaching behind her, Nelly pointed at her dad's headstone. "Not like how he treated me and Jimmy and mum...not like that because I learned not to do that and I'm lucky because...I learned how to be a good fucking parent because he was shit!" She snapped.
Speirs was well aware the elderly couple were walking inside the graveyard, but he didn't care in the slightest. He gave his cousin a gentle nod. "You're not like him".
"No". Nelly said sharply.
"I know, kid". Speirs's voice softened. "You know why?"
Nelly set her jaw.
"Because you're too good of a person to be like him". He said, "You get angry, you yell, and you snap. But you apologise after. And you know when you've done wrong, you say you're sorry. He couldn't do that, could he? He couldn't say sorry".
It felt like her chest could burst open. Nelly's legs wobbled. And she felt a hard lump in her throat, that stopped her from swallowing. Jaw still wired shut, she set Speirs a nod. The nod didn't make a lot of sense, but Speirs knew she meant to agree with him. He also could see that she was shaking, and the colour had drained from her face. Speirs could see the build-up of tears in Nelly's eyes. She got her feelings mixed up. "I think I'm going to be sick...".
Speirs shook his head. "You're not". He said to her quietly. "You're 'gonna cry".
Eyes leaving Speirs with a soft sniff, Nelly bowed her head. The tears began rolling down her cheeks. Nelly sniffed again and did her best to mop them away with her sleeve but more began forming in her eyes. Speirs unclasped his hands from behind his back.
"It's alright, Nelly". He set a hand on her shoulder. "Come here, it's okay". And with that hand, he gently pulled Nelly into him. Her face ended up below his chest, pressing against his jacket. The tears soaked into the fabric of his pressed uniform, but he didn't mind. One of Speirs's hands rubbed her back, while the other held the back of her head. Nelly's hands gripped a hold of the front of his jacket tightly as a sob tumbled out of her mouth. "I've got you". Speirs murmured to her gently. "I've got you...".
Breath hitching, Nelly buried her face further into his jacket and sobbed softly. Her hands soon let go of his jacket, so her arms could wrap themselves around his middle. She was hugging him back – acting as if he needed some comfort too. A sad smile settled on Speirs's face when Nelly returned the hug. And his eyes looked toward Alan's headstone, where he soon felt a pit of anger settle in the bottom of his stomach. He couldn't imagine having a father like Alan when Speirs's own father was so kind and forgiving. And now he stood just feet away from the grave, holding onto a girl who had no love from the only male figure from her childhood.
Speirs told her quietly among her sobs, "You're okay...".
"Is everything alright?"
Speirs could hear a sweet voice ask behind him – he knew it belonged to the elderly couple. He gave a tiny nod. "Yes, we're fine. Thank you".
Taking in a deep breath, Nelly held it and stopped the next sob from escaping. Pulling back from her cousin, she wiped the snot and tears from her face with her jacket's sleeve. Nelly turned her back to the elderly couple, hoping to save her embarrassment. Speirs knelt in front of Nelly and placed his hand on her shoulder. With his free hand, he brought a tissue out of his pocket.
"Please don't use your sleeve again". He said to her lightly.
With a tiny huff, Nelly nodded faintly and used the tissue to tidy up her face. Speirs gave Nelly a soft smile and squeezed her shoulder gently. "Sorry...". Her voice still sounded shaky. "You don't like tears or anything...".
Speirs couldn't argue with the truth, but it wasn't the same when it came to Nelly. "It's different with you, you're family". He added, "And don't apologise to me...never apologise to me".
"What if I shoot you?"
"Then you can apologise to me in prayer". He lightly and softly joked.
Lips twitching, Nelly sniffed again.
Giving her shoulder one more squeeze, Speirs then rose to his feet. "'Wanna get the hell out of here?"
Nelly nodded faintly. "Let's get the hell back to Edinburgh".
The elderly couple looked unimpressed at the use of language in the graveyard.
Nelly told them, "This place is a shite hole, by the way".
"Young lady!" The older man scolded.
"You dinnea even talk like that, 'ye big jakey bastard". Nelly said.
Speirs pursed his lips to hide a smile. "Very sorry about my cousin". He said to the elderly couple. "She's not feeling well".
"Disgusting behaviour...". The woman remarked as the two cousins walked off.
Looking up at Speirs, Nelly grinned.
And he smiled down at her with a tiny chuckle.
...
Nelly couldn't believe her eyes. Its large paws padded softly around the big enclosure, and it stopped, stretched, yawned and eventually lay down on the soft ground. Nelly was seeing a lion for the first time in her life. After living in Scotland for so long, she never did get to see the zoo in Edinburgh. So, Speirs decided to take Nelly for the first time. And already, she was impressed by the animals from all across the world.
"Can I touch him?"
"Nope". Speirs replied. "You cannot".
Nelly's head tilted to the side as she watched the male lion roll and scratch his back. "But...he looks so friendly".
"I can assure you, he'd probably eat you".
"He wouldn't".
"He would". Speirs argued softly, "In one bite".
Looking up at him, Nelly raised her eyebrow. "Him? He looks harmless".
With a tiny huff of amusement, Speirs leaned against the long railing separating the visitors from the large, wired, enclosure. "He might be used to humans but he's still an animal and animals are unpredictable".
With a tiny nod, Nelly placed her chin against the cold railing. "Can I pet any of the animals?"
"No, I don't think so".
"What about those stripey horses?"
"Zebras?" Speirs mumbled. "I don't think we're allowed".
Nelly cast the lion a smile. "I like animals".
"Well, you were sure fond of them when you were little". He reminded her. "Looks like you still are, huh, kid?"
Smile softening, Nelly nodded.
Speirs gave her arm a gentle nudge. "Come on...I 'wanna see the penguins".
Amused, Nelly moved off the railing and followed her cousin. "The penguins?"
"What? You're not a fan?" He asked with a hint of humour. "What's wrong with penguins?"
"Nothing". She said, "I just...I didn't think they'd be your favourite animal here".
"Because I'm mean and scary?" Speirs joked lightly.
"Well...yeah". She stated.
With a quiet chuckle, Speirs gave her shoulder a gentle nudge.
Nelly smiled up at him. "I thought...maybe a tiger or a bear".
"No". He said with a shake of his head. "I'm all about those penguins".
Nodding slowly, Nelly's eyebrows raised with amusement. "You're weird...".
Smiling, Speirs said, "At least I'm not a prick anymore, huh?"
As it turned out, viewing the penguins was highly entertaining. They jumped in and out of the large pool of water, waddled around on the icy surfaces and jumped up to snatch fish out of the zookeeper's hands. Visitors could view the penguins by a tall fence. The penguins lived like kings in Edinburgh Zoo. Nelly could understand now, why they were her cousin's favourite animal to visit. A wide grin was plastered on her face as she watched the flightless birds and Speirs almost looked smug upon seeing his cousin's reaction.
"They're great, right?"
Nelly nodded. "Yeah...great".
Speirs raised his hand. "Excuse me!" He called for the zookeeper.
Frowning, Nelly looked up at Speirs. "What are you doing?"
Setting down the bucket of fish, a young woman left the enclosure and approached the two troopers. "Hello". She greeted them brightly. "Do you have a question about our penguins?"
Speirs reached into his pocket and brought out his wallet. "I'll give you twenty pounds if you let my cousin feed a penguin".
Shocked, Nelly's jaw dropped.
The young zookeeper looked at Nelly and then at the money. "Okay".
Nelly's hand hovered by her mouth. "Really?" She gasped.
Smiling, the zookeeper nodded. "Aye, sure – we sometimes let a visitor feed the penguins anyway".
Speirs handed her the money. "Thank you".
The young woman chuckled and pocketed her twenty pounds. "No, thank you".
Speirs hid a grin. And then nudged his cousin forward. "Go on then. I'll watch from here".
With a little skip to her step, Nelly eagerly followed after the zookeeper beyond the fence and through a gate. Soon, she was standing on the icy platform, surrounded by penguins. Nelly thought they looked like little men wearing tuxedos. The zookeeper handed Nelly a fish.
"Hold it up by its tail – aye, that's right". She instructed kindly.
As soon as she held the fish up, a penguin reached up and snatched it away from Nelly's fingers. She smiled and chuckled quietly. "Cool...". She said, "Your job is...great".
"I love it". She grinned. "The animals are brilliant here – alright, take another fish".
Doing so, Nelly held the fish up. And once again, a penguin snatched it from her fingers. The grin was stuck to her face like glue. Nelly looked over at Speirs, who was watching and smoking. He gave his younger cousin a tiny nod.
"Is, eh...is your cousin married?" The young zookeeper asked.
Nelly shook her head. "He's engaged".
"Oh". She mumbled, sounding mildly disappointed.
"Don't worry...". Nelly said to her, "He's weird".
She smiled. "Aye? I think he's sweet". She added, "And I'm twenty pounds richer".
Nelly picked up another fish from the bucket. "I best not get fish guts on my uniform...".
The smile slowly fell from the zookeeper's face. "I hate to be nosey but...how are you in the army with the Yanks?"
"Eh – I'm not really...allowed to say...". Nelly mumbled quietly.
"But you're alright?" She sounded genuinely concerned.
Nodding, a soft smile reached Nelly's lips. "I'm great...really...".
With a smile of her own, the zookeeper joined Nelly and fed the penguins. Nelly peered into the fishy and bloody bucket. It wasn't a pleasant sight or smell.
"It stinks". Nelly commented.
The zookeeper chuckled and said, "You get used to it".
"What's your name?" Nelly asked her softly.
"Claire".
"I'm Nelly".
Claire smiled. "We've got an elephant called Nelly here".
Nelly hummed before chuckling. "I feel...offended?"
Claire laughed and said, "Don't be. You look nothing alike".
They shared another chuckle.
"What's so funny over there?" Speirs asked from the fence.
Looking at each other, the two girls chuckled again.
With the bucket now empty, Claire began leading Nelly out of the enclosure. "I'd wash your hands, by the way".
"I will". Nelly said and then asked, "Can I...write to you?"
Claire nodded. "Aye, you can write to me". She said, "Hold on". They stopped by the gate, where she wrote out her address on a piece of damp and fishy paper. "That's my address. You can write as much as you want".
"Thank you". Folding the piece of paper, Nelly placed it inside her pocket. "It was...nice to meet you, Claire".
"Aye, you too". Claire smiled. "See you later, hen".
"Bye".
Walking away from the gate, Nelly rounded the corner and walked over to Speirs, who was still standing in the same spot – smoking his second cigarette. "How was it?" He asked. But he knew the answer already. "Fun, right? I told you...it's all about those penguins".
"Yeah – thanks". Nelly thanked him softly. And then grimaced. She could smell the stench of fish coming from her hands. "Where's the toilets?"
"Back at the café". Speirs stubbed out his cigarette in a bin. "Let's head there now".
They followed the path toward the café. Nelly sniffed at her hands again and pulled a disgusted face – causing Speirs to chuckle at her reaction. Smiling small, Nelly lowered her hands and kept them well away from the rest of her body.
"You hungry?" Speirs asked. "We could get lunch at the café".
"Yeah". Nelly replied softly.
It had been such a fantastic day.
To Nelly, it still felt like a dream because family days out to the zoo never happened.
Not to Nelly.
But they did now.