Field Trip

Author's note – this is just a cracky what if. Probably set in a comedy heavy universe that goes AU/Alternate Universe in the middle of season five. Just focuses on family fluff and Nephilim cousin antics.

Michael Demiurgos had been reluctant at first to Vice Principal Choi's suggestion that this year for the middle school end of year retreat, they go to see and camp out at Mount Rushmore instead of the traditional Yellowstone. Then again, the kids had all seemed very excited, and once VP Choi had gotten a certain A-list director's family on board and funding the whole thing, Michael couldn't have said no. Not like he cared as far as camping was camping (and that applied to abandoned zoos by the way as well, no need to be snotty about it). That was kind of the double-edged sword of being a principal at one of the fanciest parochial schools in Los Angeles: pushy PTA parents with bank accounts tied to literal studios but they also didn't care about his only-so great papers and looked the other way on his family.

Well, if Linda and, especially, Sam donated enough money to keep the library updated or, okay, the baseball field replaced from the flooding which was completely Rory's fault last year.

But with enough bank, the school looked the other way, gave him a job, and so it was to Mount Rushmore they'd gone. The first night went well. After the kids had seen the monument, they'd bussed them to a patch of land in the park where they could set up camps, roast hotdogs and marshmallows, and tell ghost stories.

It had gone mostly well, at least.

He had been forced to pull Rory and Elaine out of the story telling time. Rory insisted on few of the "best stories" from her Aunt Maze and Aunt Eve, which consisted of literal bone breaking details (and Michael knew little Tiffany Belvedere's mom would be sending him another nuisance C&D letter by Tuesday) and Elaine might have shared a few stories of "the real Detroit." Michael had frankly yanked his dear daughter, his annoying, thorn in the side niece, and his nephew from round the fire before Charlie could share any stories of the Rebellion or who knew what. Though, to Charlie's credit, his nephew tended to be the most-level headed of the three, and at least of all the things to get from Menny, that was the best.

Alas, having a nephew who could stop time and be conned by his less-than-moral niece wasn't optimum.

However, after making sure story time was G-rated again round the fire, Michael told his three musketeers to do something else, find a way to entertain themselves and be quiet doing it.

Now, at nearly six a.m. as the first morning light spilled over the rocky ranges and the monument, itself, Michael realized his mistake. Because whatever they'd done to Mount freaking Rushmore had been done so quietly that he'd not noticed it. But now instead of Roosevelt, Jefferson, Washington, and Lincoln greeting him, Michael found the Dark Knight in the vaunted Lincoln space.

The Great Emancipator, replaced by the damn Batman.

Michael pinched his nose and reminded himself that he could not actually get migraines, and he wasn't going to let self-actualization start in on that now with him. Then, taking a few extra deep breaths to remind himself that he couldn't just give his darling daughter and niece and nephew a thousand push ups and a week of non-stop sword training, Michael rustled up the nephilim out of the tent.

"Up, now!"

Charlie tried to look neutral as he marched them from the tents to the monument, and they were all lucky humans weren't up and doing tourist shit there yet, while Rory was smirking and Elaine's lip wibbled in a sure sign she was about to cry. Usually, his and Amenadiel's kids were actually very good, pretty mild, but if you threw Rory and either her sweet talking people or her semi-veiled threats into the mix, and things changed. Like she had a half-angel kid with a wonky control of time and one who could shapeshift at her devious command.

And, like her father (and even Michael could admit this), Rory could be charming.

Just not to him.

When they got there, Michael gestured to Batman where Abe Lincoln should have been. "Where did Abraham Lincoln go? And don't lie. I doubt any of the other students could have done this, and I don't even know how you did this. Honestly, I don't want to know."

Rory's grin was so wide, it had gone past "shit eating." "Duh, Uncle Michael, Elaine wanted to update it."

He looked to his own little darling, who was looking up at him with those huge eyes she'd inherited from Ella. And he had so many problems saying no to those, but with national monuments, a dad had to draw a line. "Of course she didn't, but why is it now Batman?"

Rory, who was setting new definitions of smug, answered, "Because you caught us before doing the whole Justice League."

Right then, Michael was glad he had never explained the multiverse to his kid and that Menny and Sam had either been too disinterested or not thought to do it either. A world where superheroes were real (which technically there was, somewhere, pretty sure it was Earth-1 and not Earth-666) would actually get his nerdy nephew and daughter trying even more insane stunts with Rory than they already did.

"That's not the point. You defaced a monument!" he said.

Charlie added soberly, adjusting the glasses on his nose. "Actually, they were already defaced because these were seized from sacred native lands and carved on."

"Not helping. This is the type of defacing that gets noticed. By humans, which we do not want," Michael reminded them.

Elaine, bless her, still had those wide eyes regarding him. "Um, would it have been any better if we did Spock?"

Rory rolled her eyes. She was thirteen and at the age where she was doing that so much that if she were mortal, she'd have caused herself physical damage by now. "Ugh, no Star Trek! We've been over this! You're such a nerd."

Elaine glared at her cousin. "Well, at least I didn't try to convince us to do the cast of some old detective show nobody remembers.

Rory actually looked liked she'd been smacked. "Bones is WAY more than some detective show, and you take that back!"

Charlie took off his glasses and cleaned them against his Spider-man tee before putting them back on. "As you can see, we, uh… went through a lot of debate before landing on the Justice League."

Michael took a long, deep breath again. Linda had taught him some mindfulness, but he was trying very hard not to strangle the children. Very hard. "I can't drink. I'm chaperoning but I'm thinking it really hard. I swear to Sam..."

And wasn't that a sore point, still, that his twin was technically the Big Guy now, as Lopez put it. Still, he was having trouble managing a private school, let the Celestials take care of themselves for the next few eons and call him.

Rory pulled out not one but two flasks from somewhere and held them up. "No worries! Scotch or bourbon?"

"Where did you even hide that?" he asked.

Elaine bounced up and down on her heels like Lopez tended to do when she was explaining nerd stuff. "I figured out our wing pockets have expansive space...it's like a Mary Poppins purse!"

Michael regarded his (Iiteral) little angel with bug eyes, himself, wondering what she had stashed in her wing pockets besides the wings. Knowing her, probably an e-reader.

"Yes well," he said, redirecting focus to Rory, "you're thirteen, why do you even…Give me that!" He yanked both flasks out of his niece's hands, making a note to save them for later. He'd need them.

Rory rolled her eyes again. "Dude, we're angels. Chill out."

"Half angel!" he argued.

"Same difference," Rory said.

Which wasn't entirely true because that did mean half human, and Charlie's less than 20/20 vision, Elaine's allergies, and Rory's first cavity two months ago indicated that didn't yet mean invulnerable 100%

Charlie tried to get the whole mess back on track. The little diplomat as always. "Actually, you really shouldn't have those, Rory. My mom says that drinking is a coping mechanism to ignore our feelings."

Michael jostled the flasks in his hands and really, really pushed back the urge for a tiny sip. "Well, my feelings now include wanting to murder Rory."

Rory shook her head and set her hands on her hips. When she got indignant like that, it reminded him so much of Sam that Michael got vertigo. "But I made the dumb rocks better!"

Elaine got bouncy again in her excitement. "Oh, yeah, we had to practice on a side slope with making Wonder Woman and Martian Manhunter."

Michael shook his head and checked his watch, anxious to see what time it was. Humans soon. Humans who would be confused as fuck and might possibly, somehow, figure out the nephilim were, to be blunt, as far from normal as freaking possible. "I...I don't even know what a manhunter is."

Charlie said, "He shapeshifts."

As if that cleared anything up.

Rory snorted derisively and that was, honestly, equal parts Sam and Chloe Decker. "See, like I said, nerd shit."

He bit his tongue to remind her about language since they had way bigger problems now. Instead, he shook his head ruefully at Elaine. "Maybe your mom taught you too much about comics, Peanut. But," he added, looking between them and then back to Batman in granite, "I am calling your mothers."

For the first time this morning, Rory looked panicked and definitely paler than she had. He noted the sweat-something full angels also didn't do-beading at her temples. "Wait? What, Uncle Michael. Let's think about this first. Who says we need to include them?"

Michael glared at her, letting his eyes go gold for a flash with his seriousness. "I do. Now, I forget. Is there a time difference in L.A. at all? Which shift is she working today? Oh well, I don't care if I get her at the precinct or not. This is urgent-"

Rory held up her hands in a placating gesture. "WAIT A MINUTE!" she shouted before calming enough to at least try mimicking the tone Sam took for negotiations. It was a failed approximation of it, but she was trying. "I can fix this!"

She then pulled a wad of bills, easily close to a thousand in Benjamins, from her wing pockets. Michael ignored them being oddly moist and shook his head. "Are you serious? Are you trying to bribe me?"

Rory nodded. "Yep, how much."

He set the flasks down, breathed in deeply again, and reminded himself it would start a war in heaven yet again if he smited Rory. Instead, he tried to discipline her (obviously something Sam had never tried doing). "Aurora Morningstar, you do know there are things you can't buy."

Rory shrugged. "Dad says everyone has a price."

"He would," Michael said.

Charlie considered that, his brow furrowing. "Actually, mom says that you can buy a lot too with layaway and leasing. I dunno, but you can buy lots of stuff."

Elaine started to tear up in earnest. "We're sorry. Are we in trouble, Daddy?"

And his heart clenched at that. He didn't want to always be the fun-suck uncle and dad, but they really couldn't deface a national monument either. Seriously, there had to be some rules. Then again, it was very hard to say no to a tearful Elaine. It cut into him about 10 times worse than when Lopez cried, and Michael didn't know till Elaine came along that any agony was worse than that.

He set a hand on each of Elaine's shoulders. "You're not in your earned your own hell loop trouble, no. But you might not be allowed on more school field trips. We have D.C. as the big one next year and that might be a crap idea."

Rory's eyes practically glittered as she spoke, "You know, I was waiting to become president when I was really old, like forty, but I can definitely work with a faster time table."

Michael was passingly scared that Rory had dictator and president mix up. He made a note to talk with Linda and Chloe about a possible problem on the horizon.

Meanwhile at hearing the news they might not get to go to D.C. if they didn't fix this mess already, both his little angel and his nephew yelled out at once:

But all the Smithsonian Museums!

He pulled out his cell, ignoring all the objections. "That's it. I don't care which shift she's working, I'm calling Chloe now."

Rory grabbed the phone out of his hand. She was fast, he had to give her that. "Now let's not be too hasty. What do you desire, Uncle Mike?"

He grabbed the phone back from her and grumbled a few curses under his breath. "That still doesn't work on full angels, kid, and you don't even have that power."

Rory continued on, just like Samael, thinking that everyone could be bought. How naive. It made sense on a thirteen year old, less so on one of the oldest beings in the multiverse. "Lemme guess, a jet? A house in the Hamptons? Fashion sense?"

Michael had had enough. He finished dialing Chloe and put her on speaker. "Dialing your mother now, and you are definitely your father's daughter."

Rory started to pace a bit. "I have the number of a stylist in Milan! She owes me a favor!"

Michael waited for it to ring through, figuring that Chloe might not even be awake yet or, alternately, if a body had dropped was in the middle of a big ass pile of endless paperwork. "I'd like less stress, Rory, so that I'm not the only angel going gray anymore. Or worse!"

Charlie, every helpful, added, "Don't worry, Uncle Michael. If Rory makes your hair fall out, then you can kind of be twins with my dad then."

Elaine brightened at that. "Ooh, I could help! I could, like, shine your head."

That image was beyond horrifying, and Michael was trying so hard not to scream at all three of them as Chloe finally picked up on her end. "Chloe, hi. Yes, I know you're busy. Yeah, sorry you're on the early shift. Well you chose to be a detective; murders aren't on a 9 to 5 schedule...anyhoo, guess what your kid did?"

He could hear his twin laughing over her shoulder, braying like a damn mule.

He huffed on his end of the line. "Oh so Sam's 'working' too, is he? Put that brain trust on speaker, Chloe. Samael, did you know your kid tried to bribe me? Also, I don't need fashion sense, Sam. I'm fine."

Elaine piped in, "I bet Mom would like it if..."

He cut her off. This was still not the time to diss his very practical, very cost effective sense of fashion. "Not now, Peanut, Dad's trying to fix Mount Rushmore."

Chloe seemed to have put him on speaker on the other end because he could hear his twin alternately laughing and munching loudly on Cool Ranch Puffs.

Sam chuckled again. "Well, I'd certainly disagree about the fashion sense, Brother."

Chloe sighed, and Michael recognized that exasperation. He didn't know how a mortal-miracle or not-survived both Rory and Samael non-stop. "Not helping, Lucifer. What did Rory do this time, Michael?"

Rory was pacing harder now and as she spoke, her hands were waving wildly all over, "IT'S NOT MY FAULT! Charlie made me do it."

Charlie glared at her and shook his head. He might have just been barely fourteen, but Michael had to admit the kid had Menny's constipated-yet-stern look down pat. "What? I tried to talk you out-"

"That's a complete lie!" Rory objected.

Michael shushed them both. "Cool it, Rory, you've already dug your grave; now you have to lie in it. Ahem, as I was saying, Chloe, your daughter defaced Mount Rushmore."

Chloe wasn't quite frantic on the phone, but he judged her tone as about two clicks below shooting someone in the leg. Probably him. Again. "She what?"

Rory called over the line: "But Mom, I took artistic license! I made it better."

Elaine said, "We did the Justice League too, Aunt Chloe."

Lucifer actually went tut-tut on the other line. "How disappointing, Princess. Why not Bones and More Bones? I bet a cyborg on that cliff face would be rather striking."

Well, not that he'd ever doubt it, but Michael dind't have to ask where Rory got it from. The hare-brained ideas, not the art talent. Her Batman wasn't just a stick figure after all.

Rory's eyes flashed red, and her razor-sharp wings popped out. "See!" She looked between her cousins. "I told you guys! Told you!"

Michael tried not to crush the cell in his grip. "That's immaterial. We are getting Honest Abe back."

Chloe sighed on the other end. Loudly. "It hasn't even been two days yet, Michael."

"Give me a break. She's the antichrist, alright?" Michael snapped.

He had a handful just with keeping an eye on Rory, not to mention the almost one hundred and twenty other kids on the trip with him.

Chloe continued over the line. "You think I don't know that? She came out of me, and I've been living with her for thirteen years."

Rory crinkled her nose up in disgust. "Ew, Mom!"

Charlie just ducked the razor sharp wing aimed near his neck as Rory spun around in her over-the-top dramatics. "Careful! You can chop my head off with that thing!"

Rory nodded but pulled her wings in closer to herself. "Yeah, I can, which should teach you not to manipulate me."

Charlie shook his head. "But I never manip-"

"Enough! Both of you cut it out! It's like running a damn daycare...a damn daycare with slightly homicidal pre-teen angels. How is this my life again?" Mike demanded.

Sam chimed in unhelpfully over the line. "You decided to have the unprotected sex; that's how."

Michael huffed again. "Thank you, for that. But that's not really what got me here. No, it's you having unprotected sex that caused Mount Rushmore to lose it Abraham Lincoln."

Rory made barfing noises over his shoulder and grabbed at her throat. "Ugh, if you say 'sex' one more time, I'm gonna need a bucket."

Elaine grabbed his free hand, his bad one actually, and gave it a gentle squeeze. That was his girl, so quiet...unless the literal spawn of Satan was around. "Honestly? Batman looks great. Maybe no one will notice."

Chloe spoke next. "Elaine, dear, that's a nice thought but they're going to. Aurora, so help me, put it back, or I will tell Grandma Penelope that you want to spend all this summer doing beauty pageant bonding."

Rory was as pale as Michael had ever seen her. "You wouldn't!"

Chloe was firm over the line, definitely had her cop voice on full blast. "Try me. And I thought the time Trixie got caught as an amateur bookie at Caltech was bad."

Sam piped in, "In Beatrice's defense, she was making quite the bank. And half the university owes her a favor."

"That's not a defense, Lucifer. The opposite, actually," Chloe said.

"Either way, it makes me quite proud," his idiot twin replied.

Chloe sighed long and loud then. "Both my daughters are lost causes, aren't they?"

Michael somehow felt a little bit bad for Chloe, and that said a lot about the leaps and bounds overcome in their relationship. Still, she had his idiot brain trust of a twin to look after for all eternity and two daughters who were destined for federal prison-the fancy, white collar one, sure-but still prison.

At least he could put her mind somewhat at ease about Hell.

"I don't run the judging side anymore, but I doubt they feel guilt," he offered.

Rory helped prove his point by shouting, "Guilt is for suckers!"

Yeah, so the Decker-Espinozas definitely slept like babies at night, and they were heaven bound. Michael found that system flawed, but he was unsure if his brother, Godifer, had a plan on changing that yet or not. But for now, as far as he was familiar with the system, Trixie and Rory should be fine.

The idea of eternity with Rory made him even less likely to return to the Silver City. Ever.

Chloe continued grilling Rory on the other end. "And you can't just use your powers...somehow to change national landmarks, or I'll also tell Grandma that you really want to learn ballet too."

Rory looked like she'd swallowed a bottle of vinegar. "Fine."

Michael, relieved that his trio of ne'er-do-well kiddos would fix their artistic snafu before humans got wise, sighed and spoke directly to Chloe. "Thanks, Chloe. So, about the next year's trip...I've been thinking maybe we need to revoke the nephilim field trip privileges."

Chloe barked a laugh on the other end. "Oh, you think?"

Michael replied, "So, okay, I know but your solution was pretty clever."

She seemed calmer then when she answered, less likely to shoot anyone, which was a good thing as far as Michael was concerned. "Yeah, well, Trixie and Rory get it from somewhere and damn it. I gotta go."

"A murder again, Aunt Chloe?" Elaine asked.

"Be careful!" Charlie added.

"No, nothing...Lucifer got mad at the vending machine and pulled the door off. Mike, you got this. Rory-think of a summer in taffeta and sequins if you don't fix this mess. Love you, bye!"

Michael clicked off his cell. "Pretty sure the 'I love yous' were for you three. Now, Charlie stop some time. You two Michelangelos get it fixed, and you better believe I will invent new calisthenics for all of you by tonight."

Charlie hopped to as did Rory, although she was cursing vividly in Lilim under her breath as if he didn't know enough to know what she was calling him. Fine, he'd been called worse. As long as Abe Lincoln came back, she could call him a dick a hundred times over. It wasn't untrue.

Elaine hesitated a moment before giving him a hug. "I'm sorry, Daddy. We thought it would be neat."

He hugged her too, even though he had to stay strong and not just forgive her. She would be running so many laps in Linda's backyard for the next week with her cousins. Nothing could sweet talk that. "You know how we had that talk about not actually listening to Rory?"

"But she has cool ideas! And everyone thinks she's cool and if I help her they might, you know..."

He frowned down at her. "What, Peanut?"

"Think I'm cool too."

He sighed and looked down at her. "Are you having trouble adjusting to sixth grade?"

"No...well kind of, but everyone thinks Rory's the funniest kid in school."

"Yes, she exploded the faculty bathroom toilet three months ago with a cherry bomb. That's why!"

"But I dunno...I just..."

His heart constricted a little and he hugged her once more. "Your mom and I didn't fit in great when we were younger..." though not smaller in his case... "you'll find good friends, I promise. But till then, you do not listen to Rory ever. Or, I dunno, do the exact opposite. Then, it'll be a good, safe idea."

She nodded, stepping back and wiping at her eyes. "But you're not mad?"

"Just super disappointed, Peanut. Now, hurry up. I'm not sure how long Charlie can hold time frozen."

"Oh for a whole week once when Rory wanted to go to Disneyland and-"

Michael rubbed his temples again. "Don't say anything more. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now, get it fixed, Elaine."

Elaine sprouted her wings-midnight black and shiny like obsidian-and got airborne with Rory. Michael had zero idea how they'd managed the carving and didn't want to know either. As long as they put it all back, he was happy. Hell, he'd even take mostly Lincoln with a cowl on under the top hat. Whatever worked.

As the nephilim got started, he settled on a rock and pulled out the bourbon flask of Rory's. It wasn't yet seven a.m., but he'd earned it.