That's right! Run for your lives before I dish out my wrath! Huh? Alright, alright already. Here's the disclaimer.
D-I-S-C-L-A-I-M-E-R: As you know by now, the Animorphs don't belong to me. But maybe I could morph a Yeerk and infest K. A....no, that wouldn't work. This is where the Ellimist intervenes and gives me the power to morph...a-HEM!!! "Ellimist is out to lunch, sorry Starseeker." Can't find any good help these days... Anyways, I don't get paid for this. Celebrity Deathmatch people don't belong to me either. Yes, it's another round. *Cackles evilly* Sorry if you get offended by this, but just wait till Insanity 6 and 7 come out... *More evil cackling* (By the way, this one's unusually...weird, if you get my point. If you don't, read on. Sorry -and I mean really, really sorry- if you're offended by this. You'll see why it got its PG13 rating...)
So, well, that's it I guess.
Welcome...
To...
The Insanity 5:
Bigger and Better and Dumber than Ever!
Rachel: (From backstage) I'll show those sons of b*tches who's boss!
Cassie: And to think, Jake was my boyfriend!
Rachel: What'd he do to you?
Cassie: He fooled with Melissa Chapman behind my back. Melissa Chapman! That 2-timing double-crossing-
Rachel: Hoo, that's enough for now, Cass!
****
Jake: That b*tch! She says I cheated on her!
Marco: Well you did.
Jake: Yeah, but I'm the leader! I can do anything I want.
Marco: *Under his breath* Stupid son of a b*tch.
Jake: What the hell did you say?
Marco: I said, uh, *thinks really hard* Stupid son with a dish!
Marco's brain: Goooood job, Marco.
Marco: *To brain* Thanks!
Jake: Who are you talking to?
Marco: Mister Bunny, the thing inside my head.
Jake: Oh...uh, yeah. That's niiiiice...
****
Strange, mysterious, omnipotent voice: What happens when you have a full hour to see your faves from the books killing each other?
**Title screen flashes on and off, revealing the announcers.**
Johnny Gomez: Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch!
Nick Diamond: And what an episode it is!
Little voice: That don't make sense!
Johnny: Oops, read the cue cards wrong... Anyways...
Nick: Get on with it!
Johnny: Okay, okay! That's right! Twice the gore, twice the blood, and twice the violence!
Nick: And who'll be fighting tonight? It's none other than K. A. Applegate's Animorphs!
Johnny: They were here before, and now they want a rematch!
**Goes to a shot of the ring**
Johnny: In our first round, Cassie and Rachel will be battling it out against Jake and Marco.
Nick: In round 2, we'll find out who wins when a hawk and a rat step into the ring together!
Johnny: The Andalites go tail-to-tail in an all-out brawl after that.
Nick: The high-ranking Controllers will then go head-to-head to find which is the best!
Johnny: Seldom-featured characters will try and take each other out next!
Nick: And for our main event, the 2 head-honchos see if good or evil will reign, once and for all!
Rachel: *To Cassie* Does this mean we'll be out of the job?
Cassie: *Shrugs*
Johnny: So let's go to the first fight! It all started when Cassie found her boyfriend Jake making out with one of the minor characters, Melissa Chapman. Cassie and her best friend Rachel decided to kick some ass about it!
Nick: And we're glad that they decided to settle things here, in the Deathmatch arena!
Johnny: Looks like the fight's about to start...
****
Mills: I want a good clean fight with plenty of blood and guts. Got it? *Animorphs nod* Then let's get it on!
*Animorphs circle each other for a few minutes. They circle...and circle...until the audience gets up and begins to leave.*
Cassie: No! Don't leave, we need our loyal fans!
Rachel: They don't look very loyal...
Jake: *Lunges for Cassie* You stupid lying b*tch! DIE!
Cassie: *Yelps*
Johnny: The guys have gotten off to a great start!
Jake: I'll teach you to...*trails off*
Rachel: *Is having an insult marathon with Marco* You stupid, pathetic little (bleep!) F***ing (radio-edit!) lover! Son of a b*tch! Yo mama isn't even human! Yeah, get mad! Oh, go ahead! That's right, lunge at me with a rusty knife and...uh-oh!
Marco: *Chasing after Rachel with a rusty knife* I'll teach you to talk about my mom you crazy, worthless b*tch! *Laughs maniacally like a serial killer*
Cheerleaders: *Start cheering for Marco*
Marco: *Stops running to wave at the cheerleaders* Hello my adoring fans!
Cheerleaders: *Stop cheering for Marco and begin cheering for Jake* He's much cuter! *Giggle like idiots for a few minutes*
Marco: Damnit! Jake always gets good stuff!
Rachel: *Morphing* Watch this, Marco! *Finishes morphing and has mow morphed Xena: Warrior Princess*
Marco: Oh man, this is weird.
Rachel: Hee-YA! Ahahahahaha! Die you little b*stard! *Swings a pillow at Marco and hits him with it*
Marco: AAAH! You...you got me. But please, remember! Remember the way I...used to be. Don't think of me as I am now. No, stop, don't say...anything. It's *coughs* too late...for me... *Goes limp in Rachel's arms*
Rachel: I killed him! *Sobs dramatically. Audience applauds. A woman in a long black dress walks into the ring and gives Marco an Oscar, Marco pops back to life.*
Marco: You love me! You really love meeee!
Rachel: *Drops Marco to the floor* You moron!
Marco: *Butt is hitting the floor* That...hurt...
Rachel: This blows! Hmm...idea! *Little light bulb appears above her head. She grabs it and bashes it on Marco's head.*
Marco: Ouchies!
Rachel: *Bends down and picks something up. Then she turns to Marco with a crossbow* Say bye-bye Marco!
Marco: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel" *Shoots Marco* I win! I got him! Naner-naner-naner! *Demorphs and dances around.*
****
Jake: I'm gonna kill you!
Cassie: Jakey...please... *Looks at him with puppy dog eyes*
Johnny: Cassie's applied the puppy-eyes technique. But...will it work? *Jake drops Cassie* It did!
Cassie: Thanks, Jakey. *Wraps her arms around him...and grips his neck with her hands*
Jake: *Choking* Cassie!
Cassie: Asshole! You! Cheated! On! Me! *Stops between each word to punch Jake. Cheerleaders get upset because Jake's face is messed up. Cassie wraps a rope around Jake's neck. Picking him up, she swings him around her head. He hits a pole that just happened to appear in the center of the ring.*
Jake: *Dying* Cassie...I...I'm sorry...
Cassie: *Rushes to his side* Jakey! I'm sorry!
Jake: I...wanted to do this for along time... *Kicks Cassie across the ring and gets up. He walks over to Cassie and twists her head around and around until...POP! Cassie's head twists off her body. Jake shakes his fists in the air triumphantly. Then he sees that Rachel's alive.*
Jake: Eh, I never liked Marco anyways. *Walks up to Rachel and, since he has multiple head injuries, puts his hand around her waist.* Now that they're gone...
Rachel: Ick! You sick pervert! *Takes a gun and shoots Jake's head off.*
Mills: Rachel wins!
**Commercial break**
Johnny: And we're back! If you missed the last round, Rachel won. Now, onto the next fight!
Nick: We need to show a playback.
Johnny: Shut up, Nick. Now, on to the next fight. A hawk and a rat, who will win? What do you think, Nick?
Nick: Personally, I'm rooting for the rat. What about you?
Johnny: The hawk. He's so handso- I mean, he has a bigger advantage. *Blushes*
Nick: You okay? Your face is all red...
Johnny: *Red as a tomato* Yeah, I'm fine. Now, let's go to the ring.
****
Mills: You know the rules! Now let's get it on!
Tobias (The hawk): *Screeches.*
David (The rat): Squeak!
Tobias: Traitor!
David: Squeak, squeak!
Tobias: *Flies down to the center of the ring where David sat and eats the rat.*
David: Squeeeak!
Johnny: And Tobias just ate David! *Thinking* Now I can be alone with him...
Mills: Tobias wins!
**Commercial Break**
Johnny: After our last long and exciting match, I don't think I can stand any more action. Uh...someone cover for me. I have to go um...uh, *Runs*
Nick: Johnny? Where're ya going?
Rachel: *Comes and sits beside Nick.* The director told me to come give you a hand.
Nick: Well then, who cares where Johnny went! *Smiles evilly*
Rachel: Well, ah, hmm...Nick, who's next?
Nick: ......
Rachel? Hello-o?
Nick: .............
Rachel: Okay then... Well, next is the battle of the... Bring the cue cards a little closer, okay? That's better. Next is the battle between the Andalites. Now, we've gone back in time using this original, one-of-a-kind Time Matrix to bring Elfangor back from the dead! Think of what else we can do with it! Now, he and Ax-
Nick: Huh? Wha...that's right Rachel! And now they're gonna pulverize the notorious Visser Three and his mysterious partner!
**To the ring**
Mills: Ax and Elfangor, hey... Visser Three! Who's your partner?
Visser Three: That would be Iniss 2-2-6, a very fine Yeerk in bed!
Ax: *To Elfangor* I always knew something went on between those 2...
Elfangor: *Nods*
Mills: No, who're you going to be fighting with tonight?
Visser: That would be Mister Bunny!
*Big bunny hops into the ring*
Mills: Alright then. You may begin. Let's get it on!
Ax: Black and white striped human-
Jake: *From offstage* It's called a referee, Ax!
Rachel: I thought you were dead!
Jake: Plot hole.
Ax: Referee, is your catch phrase not getting old?
Mills: Is yours?
Visser: *Waits*
Ax: *Waits*
Elfangor: *Stares around in amazement* I'm ALIIIIIIIVE!
Ax: He's ALIIIIIIIVE!
Mister Bunny: *Thumps Ax on the head*
Ax: *Slices the bunny's head off in 1 move*
Visser: *Screams and hits Ax with a piece of paper* You will die a horrible death from paper cuts! Ahahahahaha!
Elfangor: This is for killing me! *Takes out a plastic sword and hits the Visser with it.*
Visser: Ouch! That hurt! *Hits Elfangor with another plastic sword. They fence very well for a few minutes, moving forward and backwards.*
Ax: This sucks! *Thwaps the Visser's head off*
Mills: Ax and Elfangor are the winners!
Rachel: Yeah! Go Ax! Go Elfy!
Elfangor: Rachel, don't call me Elfy!
Rachel: Go Elfy! Go Elfy!
Nick: Next round: Chapman versus Taylor.
**Back to the ring**
*Chapman and Taylor walk out holding hands*
Chapman: We're friends now! We don't need to fight!
Taylor: Yeah! We're fine!
Mills: Made up my ass!
Taylor: We ain't gonna fight!
Mills: Well we have to have a show! *Takes out some lighter fluid and drenches the couple with it. Then he lights a match and begins to throw it at them. Camera picks it up in slow motion.*
Controllers: Nooooo!
*They explode.*
Rachel: Yeah Taylor! That's what you get for trying to kill my Toby! Stupid psychotic bitch!
Nick: Time for a commercial break!
**Commercials**
Rachel: We're back! And now, without further ado, it's time to see if Tom can beat Melissa Chapman!
Melissa: *Comes out crying* Daddy! Daddy got blowed up in big bomb! Daddy gone! Oh, he was a Controller? DIE YOU MEANIE! He never paid attention to me anyways...
Tom: *Comes out cheering* The bandits are deee-ad! The Andalite bandits are- where's Jake? Rachel? What the hell are you doing?! Where's Jake?
Rachel: *Points to Jake's corpse*
Tom: That wasn't there a second ago...
Everyone within a mile of the Deathmatch arena: PLOT HOLE!
Rachel: You're glad your brother's dead!
Tom: I HAVE NO IDEA! Oh, I get it! He's an Andalite Bandit? A human? Awesome!
Melissa: *Runs to Jake's side* My poor, poor Jakey! What hast thou done with him? I mean, to be or not to-no...I mean...
Tom: *Stabs Melissa in the back.*
Rachel: A classic backstab!
Mills: Disqualified! I didn't say to get it on yet!
Tom: Mills, that sounds very...disturbed.
Mills: I guess it does... Hey! You're disqualified!
Tom: Does that mean Melissa wins?
Mills: Melissa's dead. You still win. But now you go to jail until you can be taken to the guillotine...I mean, the gas chamber...I mean, oh forget it!
*Tom screams as the cops drag him away for murder without permission*
Rachel: Grabs a note handed to her* Regretfully, the Ellimist and Crayak can't be here. We have to cut this episode of Deathmatch short. So... Bye!
*Everyone goes backstage. Scenes from the backstage rooms...*
Johnny: Tobias!!
Tobias: You sick idiot! Leave me alone! *Pecks Johnny on the head. Rachel is my only love! *Goes off in search of Rachel*
****
Rachel: Nick, go away! Go hound someone else!
Nick: Maybe I'll go enjoy an intelligent conversation with the cheerleaders... *Goes to the cheerleaders' dressing room and opens the door to find they're all dead. Their blood spells out the message THEY ALL MUST DIE! On the wall.*
****
David walks into the dressing rooms as a rat.
David: Am I late?
Tobias: *Eats David* Gee, I've had my balanced meals!
The End!
So? I know, it's not as good as the others. Sorry if it isn't... But send comments to Starseeker__1@hotmail.com as usual, or just review this!