It's cold… I'm so cold. Where am I…? I open my eyes, but I can barely see anything but whiteness. I lie on the ground; a mass of clouds with a cold silvery light hangs over me. Snowflakes fall on my face, silently, as if they are mourning. An icy wind sweeps across the landscape as I slowly sit up in a layer of cold flakes. I don't know how I got here, but I'm definitely not going to hang around here anymore... I'm completely frozen.

I slowly get up then shake myself to get rid of the snow stuck to me. I pull my sweater tighter, although it doesn't seem like the garment soaked from the melted snow is worth much. I'm heading back to the village... The village where everyone hates me. Why do they hate me? I wish I knew! Why am I going back? I don't understand either. My legs just carry me. After all, where could I go if I am not welcome even in my home village?! But I really didn't want much. Just a little care, a little attention, a smile, a spark of love. But I never got it. I see nothing but disgust, hatred and fear on people's faces. They fear me… but why? After all, I'm just a child! A child with neither father nor mother. I've been on my own since I was little. I am alone, lost in this vast world, lost on the path of life. How can I find the right path if no one shows me the direction, if no one holds my hand?! How can I continue the fight like this? My existence feels so pointless.

I stop for a moment and look up at the darkening sky. The clouds just silently stare down at me. I wish I could be a cloud too! I would go around the world riding on the back of the winds, my tears would give life to the earth... my existence would have meaning. Maybe I could get rid of my doubts and pains and finally fly free. I wish... But I know it's impossible. I must live my life in this cursed form. I let out a sad sigh. My breath draws white mist into the cold air.

"What should I do?" I whisper softly to myself. It's not like I expect an answer, it's just a poetic question for the gods prying the tangled thread of my fate. But they never answer. I hear a breathy sound. As if ghosts were whispering in my ear: "Hate! Hate everyone! Hate the world because it hates you too!" My body resonates with the words. I can hear it in my ears and inside my flesh at the same time. This voice always comes when I have doubts and fills my heart with anger. It might be right. I'm also only human - even if most people don't think I am - and I feel anger and pain when I'm hurt. I have feelings too! But who in this damn world cares?

I continue on my way with my head down. Loneliness… Hatred… Bitterness. Only these accompany me on my way. Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why am I different from the others? Why me? I can't even count how many times I screamed those words into the pitch black night in desperation. I shed tears, but the salty drops of my pain could not wash away the hatred of people from my broken heart. I don't even hope for anything anymore. It seems I wish for the impossible.

A gust of wind tears the trees; it blows the crystal powder-like flakes collected on its branches into my face. The crackling of gnarled, old branches moans into the howl. The trees bow before me in tears. Maybe they are the only ones who understand me. They know what it feels like to drown in bitter, cold darkness. Black crows sit on their branches, chilling their feathers in the cold winter wind. One of them starts cawing plaintively, then takes off with the others. They are not chained by sinister, dark shadows. I wish I could fly away with them!

Why am I going to the village? Why do I come back every single time? After all, I could. It would be so easy… I would just have to go the other way. Run away and never look back. I've played with the idea in my head so many times. Many times I came to the conclusion that it would be better to leave this region. No one in the world would miss me anyway, maybe they wouldn't even notice my disappearance, if they did, they'd just be happy to finally get rid of me. Who knows, maybe somewhere, far from here, I could start a new life. Maybe they would even accept me. Maybe someone would finally smile at me from the heart.

I halt my moves for a moment, then look back at the vast horizon. The unknown behind the mountains promises the hope of a new future, almost beckons. I take a hesitant step towards the foreign landscape, I stretch out my hand towards the horizon, but the thought that has always prevented me from leaving my native village creeps into my head again. I was born here, in this place. I have to be happy here. If I can't even do that, how can I make myself accepted as an outsider in another place? I shouldn't run, then I'd just be a coward and I'd have to live with this shame. I will not be a coward! I never give up! Maybe one day I will give in to the lure of the unknown and set off to see the world. But first, I make people accept me here. Maybe now...

I turn back on the road and head towards the village again. I'm always a little afraid to go back. The rejecting, hateful, cold gaze of the people here has already burned into me. I'm afraid of this look. It's like a knife is being twisted in my heart. It hurts so much… I don't want to see this. I would do anything for it, if they would finally see me as a human being, if they would finally pay attention to me.

The sky was already completely dark by the time i get back. I hope the gates haven't been closed yet, I'm sure it'll be freezing out here by morning. I finally see the village. I run towards the gates; luckily they are still open. When I get there, I try to catch my breath a bit. It's so good to be at home!

"Hey kid!" One of the gatekeepers growls at me. His voice is rough, as if he's just talking to his dog. I immediately withdraw my earlier thought. "We won't wait for you next time, if you don't get back before dark, we'll lock you out. You can go freeze to death outside for all I care."

That look again… I hate it! Why do I always have to see this?! Why do you always have to ruin that little sweet moment with this? Why can't you just talk to me normally for once in your life? For God's sake, what did I do wrong?!

I swallow back my anger and continue standing without a word. "Hate!" That sound and that strange feeling again. Why did I hope that I would ever be recognized? Maybe I should have chosen the path leading into the unknown. Why am I still trying so desperately to be cared for? Clearly they never will. I'm the one who's too naive. Life really treated me badly. I'm starting to lose faith that I am in control of my destiny. Maybe everything is really written in advance. This would explain why all my previous attempts to change my life have failed.

I stop under a street lamp. The lights cast eerie shadows on the ground. Do people also see me as a monstrosity like the distorted shadows created by the lamps? But why? Why can't they see who I am? Why do they only see me as a monster? I continue to stand in the snow that is getting thicker. I see lights in the window of a nearby house. Curiously I'm getting closer. Inside, a cheerful family sits at the dining table. I hear them laughing happily, as the children and their parents joke and tell each other about their day.

And who will listen to me? To whom could I tell about the daily events, to whom could I tell my joys, to whom could I cry my sorrows? Who will make me laugh, who will comfort me, who will lead me by the hand? No one. I've always been alone and that never seems to change. But I don't care anymore, just please don't hate me, just be a little more friendly with me! It's okay if, when I get home, only the yawning, cold apartment awaits me. It's okay if they laugh at me for my clumsiness, it's okay if I never experience the love of a family, as long as someone stands by me! Someone finally accept me, someone extend their hand to me... someone love me! Just a little! Please!

A single tear drops down my face, only to disappear in the white snow when it hits the ground. My heart hurts so much. It's like there's a huge void inside me. Do I even have a heart? Or has it already been absorbed by this dark and terrifying infinity? I don't even know myself.

A touch jolts me out of my musings. I look down at my feet and see a white cat. He purrs and rubs against me. I crouch down next to him to pet him. The kitten happily rests its head in my palm. At least he doesn't despise me. He lets me be around him and appreciates me being nice to him. I am still alive thanks to such small joys. I see a small red ribbon around the animal's neck. I know whose it is. He could have run away and gotten lost. He must already be cold and hungry. I'd better take him home to his owner. I bet they are already looking for him everywhere.

I take the cat in my arms and walk towards his home. When I reach the house, I hear the voices coming out. They are calling for their pet. They will be happy to see that the cat is back unharmed. I take a deep breath and walk up the stairs, then knock. Not long after, the door opens, revealing the worried face of a middle-aged woman. As soon as she looks in front of the entrance, a cold rejection flashes in her eyes. This look hits me, but I force a smile.

"I brought your kitten back" I hand the animal to her hopefully. Her eyes flash again, then she screams and tears the cat from my hand. I don't understand what's wrong. Her husband also comes to the noise. The woman explains to him in a hysterical voice that I had their pet and I must have hurt him. I don't understand… since I just brought him back to them. I thought they would be happy.

"What did you do with him?" the man asks angrily. It scares me. Hatred shines from his eyes, I can see that he would rather send me to hell. Why? Why do people assume bad things about me? "Tell me!" he says again, if possible, even angrier. My emotions suddenly explode from behind the barriers to which I have banished them.

"I did not do anything!" I shout desperately. "I just brought it back! He was wandering the streets when I found him."

I can see on their faces that they don't believe a word I say. But why would I lie? What's wrong with me? What?

"Get out of here, you monster!" the man shouts as he pushes me, causing me to lose my balance and fall into a pile of snow next to the house. Something snaps inside me. Something hidden has awakened, and now this strange feeling comes over me with elemental force.

"I'm not a monster!" I scream out of myself. Tears roll down my face. Despair and pain overwhelms me. I can't think straight anymore.

A burning sensation from my chest starts to spread throughout my body. I asked for nothing but a little love, but I got hatred instead. Hatered… I can't take this anymore. Make this pain go away! What should I do to get rid of it?! "Hate…" It hurts. It burns. My mind goes blank. I feel a dark, ominous chakra in my body, which slowly spreads to all my parts. "Why does everyone hate me?" I keep shouting. "What the hell did I do to deserve this? Why does everyone treat me like a criminal?! I'm not a monster, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, a human! I have feelings too!"

I catch my breath. I feel like I'm about to explode. So many years of suppressed pain have now all surfaced. Torturing like hell. It feels like it's absorbing my whole being. Enough! I can't stand it... What should I do?! "Hate! Hate! HATE EVERYTHING!" This sound, this pain... it drives me crazy. The burning sensation in my chest is getting stronger, everything hurts. The world begins to darken in front of me, I feel that my consciousness is being taken over by the darkness.

A gentle touch gets me back to my senses. I feel soft and silky fur on my face. I slowly open my eyes. The white cat is standing next to me, rubbing against me in a friendly way. I raise my hand to caress his head. My arms are heavy like they were made of lead... My body is burning... What happened to me? I don't remember anything. I slowly sit up and look at myself. My eyes fall on my right hand. Blood... Fresh blood sticks to my hands. I look around scared. I see the dead bodies of two people... the cat's owners. The crimson liquid of their life tainted the snow. The realization hits me like lightning. I… killed them. It can't be... It can't be! How could it happen?! I can't believe my eyes. Impossible! I look at my hand again. The blood is still there on my skin... The proof of my indelible sin shouts my deed to the sky. I'm a killer. The weight of what happened hits me with elemental force, I feel like I'm crumbling under the weight. Screaming, I bury my face in my hands. Impossible!

I wake up to my own cry. I feel a strange weight on my chest, it's hard to breathe. I feel a drop of sweat run down my face. My body is shaking. For a few minutes I just stare ahead and try to catch my breath. It was just a dream. I exhale slowly. I have never had such a nightmarish vision. It must have been because of meeting with Gaara. That's what I would have become if, like him, I was left alone for good. If Iruka-sensei didn't save me from the darkness. It wasn't long before I chose the path of hatred. If I had taken one more step… I would have been lost for good.

"Gaara… I'm sorry!" I whisper softly into the night. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you!" I fall back on the bed exhausted. "What good friends we could have been… the two of us."

The End

Written by: SilverBird

2013. A. D.

Inspired by: Tarja Turunen - Boy and the ghost