A/N: See end of chapter for notes

Wilmington, North Carolina was a place most people would call ideal. It had three beaches- Wrightsville, Carolina and Kure- which, during the summer, attracted thousands of people to the area. Seeing as though Charlotte and Raleigh were the major cities in North Carolina, Wilmington was still small enough to be considered an ideal trip destination for anyone wanting to avoid larger cities. It was home to legends such as Charlie Daniels, Michael Jordan, and even President Woodrow Wilson for a while. Wilmington was also rich in history – Fort Fisher served as a key battleground during the Civil War, and the attack was the largest amphibious attack by US forces until the battle of Normandy in World War II. It was also home to the only successful coup in the history of the United States. While the history of this city was dark – what place in America didn't have a dark history, for that matter – the area did have its perks. The Azalea Parade remains an annual spring tradition, it houses the Battleship North Carolina (which remains one of Wilmington's most popular attractions), and is a staple for shipping, tourism, manufacturing, and movie and television production. While the city wasn't perfect, it was home, and this is where Ashton Larsen grew up.

Ashton Larsen was 28 years old and a home-grown Wilmingtonian. She had never left, even though she considered going away to Appalachian State at one time for college. Ultimately, she decided to join the Air Force - joining when she was 21 years old. Her relatives had all been in the Air Force- her great-great grandfather all the way down her father. Her father, Mark Larsen, had retired almost five years ago and it wasn't a stretch to say that she felt she had to join. She resisted this for most of her life, showing zero interest besides loving planes as a kid, but ultimately chose to enlist to continue the legacy, and to keep herself straight. She had to admit though - she loved planes and loved flying them. Some of her earliest memories were her dad taking her to the observation area at the local airport and staying for hours, watching the planes take off and land. She was fascinated to say the least and secretly dreamt of one day being a pilot.

When she enlisted, she was based at Edwards Air Force Base in Lancaster, California. She usually got two-week leaves every nine months and she was now in her seventh year of being in the Air Force. Even though she resisted the thought of ever joining, she could now say she loved it. Over the years, she had been shipped around the globe - France, Germany, Portugal, Afghanistan, Iran, and most recently, Iraq. She was shipped to different Air Force bases in the United States, too, but usually if she was being shipped out, she went international. She didn't mind this, to be honest, it gave her countless opportunities to interact with people from all walks of life and, being the rebellious teenager she once was, it humbled her to see how people lived in countless places around the globe. While America undoubtedly had its faults, she was thankful for the life she was privileged enough to have.

With Ashton being an only child, plus never having left Wilmington, her mom had never experienced being away from her for months at a time. When she was first sent to basic training in Texas, she stood at the airport hugging her mom good-bye for almost an hour. Her mom, Megan Larsen, met her father while he was in the Air Force. The two met while her dad was stationed locally and they got married soon after, having Ashton a few years later.

Like a lot of cities, Wilmington was rich in parts and poor in others. Though they didn't live in a rich neighborhood, they lived close enough to one, so she was able to go to one of the best high schools in Wilmington. Having played in leagues as a kid, she played soccer her freshman and sophomore year and began to play her junior year, but inevitably was forced to quit because of her grades. She had been a straight A student up until her junior year, but everything suddenly went downhill from there. Her parents hit a rough patch – her dad's deployment, understandably, having drastic effects on her mom. Even though they hid it from her, Ashton knew they were on the brink of divorce at one time. It was also during her junior year that she discovered her sexuality. Coming from a Christian home, she never once considered that she'd be anything but straight. While she hadn't had many boyfriends as a teen, she simply chalked this up to, instead, being focused on soccer and her other passion – music. Her dad had taught her to play guitar when she was 14, and she'd spend every day after school practicing, and even writing music of her own. When junior year hit and she was in the same class as Caitlin Olsen though, everything changed.

She found herself being drawn to Caitlin in ways she knew wasn't normal. They became fast friends and spent nearly all their free time together. As the months passed, they grew closer, and Ashton slowly found herself wanting more. The two would be watching a movie or listening to music in her room and she would glance at Caitlin's hand, itching to hold it before glancing at her lips and itching to kiss them. As soon as she realized she was having these thoughts, she forced herself to push them from her mind. This wasn't what she was. She knew no one who was gay and convinced herself it was just because she was good friends with Caitlin. Deep down she knew this wasn't true, but she refused to give any weight to the thoughts that, inevitably, only grew stronger.

Eventually, through a long and almost unbearable process, she came to terms with her sexuality. She ended up telling Caitlin how she felt, only for Caitlin to completely reject her and, while that was heartbreaking, she felt better knowing that weight was finally off her chest. But even before telling Caitlin how she felt and while she was struggling with who she was, she began to hang out with the "wrong crowd" and began to cut classes, even dabbling into drugs. This only got worse after Caitlin rejected her.

While her childhood was what most people would call idyllic, it didn't come without challenges. Her dad being away most of the time and seeing her mom struggle with depression, it only forced her to want to be the best kid possible. She didn't want them to worry about her when they already had so much on their plates. This led to her getting straight A's, not asking her parents for anything, basically reducing herself to a ghost. This worked for her until it didn't. And, as what happens with a pendulum, when you're so far extreme one way, you then swing to the other extreme. Dealing with her parents on the brink of divorce and coming to grips with her sexuality, it all became too much at the young age of 16. Even with being the perfect kid, her dad was still away, her mom still depressed. What good did it actually do?

She started acting out, hanging with people she normally kept her distance from, refusing to do her homework and skipping out on more classes she could count. Her new "friends" introduced her to alcohol, cigarettes, weed, even pills – nothing extreme, by far, but it was the things she was taught as a kid to stay away from. And, being underage, it was all illegal. Thankfully, she never got into trouble with the law, but it was a period in her life she'd do anything to forget. She came out to her parents when she was a senior and, with them being religious, they struggled with it at first. This pushed her further to defy them and used alcohol and pills to cope. Somehow, she made it through high school, barely passing, but passing nonetheless. She wanted nothing to do with her parents for years, preferring instead to stay away as much as she could. She would stay with friends for periods of time, only coming home when absolutely necessary. She developed an alcohol and pill addiction that lasted from the time she was 17 until her 20's and, when she was 20, she hit rock bottom. She had no job, no money – the money she did have was spent on alcohol and pills – and she had no friends, barely a family. She wasn't living, merely surviving, doing what she could to chase the next high to drown out the small voice that was telling her what she was doing was wrong.

One day when her dad came home on leave, he was waiting for her on the front porch of their home with her mom. Ashton hadn't been home in weeks and was only there to get her guitar to pawn for money. When she saw them sitting together, she already knew what was coming. They had tried several times to get her to stop and get help, but she wouldn't entertain it, preferring instead to simply walk out whenever they'd plan these little interventions.

"Ashton, will you please come sit with us?" Her mom said, from the porch swing. She looked down at her feet,

"Please, not tonight, mom."

"Yes, tonight, Ashton." Her dad said firmly. He continued,

"I've been home for nearly two weeks and haven't even seen you. Where have you been?" She scoffed, feeling her heartbeat fasten and immediately getting defensive,

"I've been staying with a friend, I'm fine."

"Then what are you here for?" She grasped the hood she had pulled over her head,

"I'm just grabbing my guitar and I'll be gone."

"Ashton, please honey, we just want to talk to you." Her mom said, but her dad quickly asked,

"What do you plan to do with your guitar? You haven't touched that thing in years." She took a step towards them, the anger in her boiling to the surface and her voice getting louder,

"I don't have to tell you shit. I'm an adult and don't owe you any explanations as to what I do with my stuff." Her father stood up from the swing and quickly went over to her, stopping mere inches from her face,

"Oh, your stuff? That's my guitar in there, that's my car you're driving, those clothes you're wearing were probably bought with the money you stole from me, you sure you want to go there?" She scoffed,

"What are you gonna do, old man? Hit me?" His face immediately softened at this and she could hear her mom crying from behind him. His voice got quiet, and she hated to admit that this got to her.

"Ashton… if you think I'd ever lay a hand on you, you truly are lost. You and your mother mean everything to me, more than anything in the world." She scoffed again at this, ignoring the lump that was forming in her throat,

"Oh, really? Then where have you been my entire life? Where were you when mom was crying herself to sleep every single night? I thought you two were getting a divorce anyway, what happened to that?" Her mom finally stood up and walked over to her,

"Ashton, please listen to your father. I know it's been hard on you, and I know I haven't been the mom that you deserve. But please sweetie, we just want you back." Her dad looked down for a second before looking back up at her,

"No, Megan, she's right." This caught her, and her mom for that matter, off guard. They both looked at him as he continued,

"I haven't been there for either one of you. And that is the biggest regret that I'll ever have. I've always been taught to provide for my family, but I never knew what it was like to have a dad that was there for me either. And I am so sorry, to both of you." He took a deep breath, looking again at the ground, and Ashton couldn't believe it, but she thought she saw tears forming in his eyes as he looked back up at her,

"I did what I was taught to do – I enlisted. There was no other option for me. I know you feel like the Air Force was more important to me than you were, because I felt the same way as a kid. Ashton, you don't know that you and your mom are what keeps me alive. When I'm out there, it's the thought of coming back to you both that keeps me going. I would be nothing if it weren't for you. And I am so sorry that you've struggled for so long and I haven't been here." Tears were streaming down his face now, and Ashton couldn't help but stare in shock. She'd never seen her dad talk about any feelings, whatsoever, much less shed a tear. She looked at her mom who was sobbing, and she could feel tears start to form in her own eyes. Her mom said through sobs,

"Ashton, we love you more than you can possibly imagine. Your father and I know we've messed up - if we could do things differently, we would. We weren't there for you like you needed us to be, even with your sexuality we pushed you away instead of telling you how loved you are. It doesn't matter to us who you are, what you do, we love you unconditionally. We are so sorry, honey, more than you know." Ashton looked down as the tears started to roll down her face. She took a deep breath and cleared her throat before looking up at them both and asking,

"Why haven't you told me any of this before?" Her dad put his hand on her shoulder,

"We're fucked up too, sweetie. We're just human. And that's no excuse, but we're trying to do better." She turned away at this, pinching between her eyes and pulling out a cigarette, lighting it immediately.

She didn't know what to think. This is what she had waited her whole life to hear, but now that it was being said, she didn't know what to do or how to feel. This was the root of her addictions, wasn't it? Feeling like she never mattered, wasn't important, wasn't accepted. She didn't know what to do with the words that were challenging these core beliefs she had developed through the years. Her mind was constantly at war with itself and had been since she was a kid. She knew, deep down, that her parents loved her. She was given everything she ever wanted, but, all she ever really wanted was their attention. She took a hit of her cigarette, hoping the nicotine would help calm her down as her dad took another step towards her,

"If you want me to quit the air force, I will." She whipped her head towards him,

"What?"

"I will. I'll retire, I'll be here to help you through what you're going through, and we'll get you some professional help. I've never been here for you but let me be here for you now." She turned away from him, hitting her cigarette again before looking back up at him,

"I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking me to. I'm telling you I want to."

"We both want to help you, sweetie. Please, let us. Tell us how to help you." Her mom said, taking a step towards her and rubbing her back. She tried to fight back her tears, but her efforts were fruitless as more tears spilled down her face,

"I don't even know how to help myself, mom."

Her mom finally pulled her into a tight embrace, joined quickly by her father, wrapping his arms around them both. She felt all the emotions she had spent years trying to keep bottled up start to pour out. It brought her to her knees, and immediately all three of them sat together on the porch, arms wrapped tightly around each other. They sat for what could have been an hour for all Ashton knew, crying and holding each other, none of them saying a word. Her mom finally pulled back, pushing the hair out of Ashton's face,

"We don't know how to help either, baby. We just know we can figure it out together, as a family, if you want to."

She didn't say anything for a minute. Was she really ready for this? Could she trust that they would actually be there to help her? They didn't know how powerful addiction was, nor did they really know the person she had become in the past few years. She wasn't the bright, funny, charismatic kid anymore. She had become a shadow, barely a person at all much less the person they knew. Would they bail on her when things got tough? Would they bail if she slipped back into addiction? All these thoughts ran through her head but as she looked up at them both, she knew the answer. She knew they loved her. She knew they messed up in some areas, but she also knew there wasn't a thing they wouldn't do for her, and they had done a lot of things right, too. She always knew that, deep down, even if she had convinced herself otherwise for a while. Her dad squeezed her shoulder,

"What do you say, Ash?" She took a deep breath and was quiet for a moment. She could do this… it would be terrifying, and she couldn't guarantee that it would stick. But she was tired of just surviving, she wanted to live again. She hadn't truly lived, she hadn't been happy, in years. She wanted to get better. She owed it to herself to at least try. She simply nodded at them before they both choked out sobs and threw their arms around her again.

It wasn't long after that night that she checked herself into an in-patient rehab facility. Thankfully, her dad's insurance through the military provided her access to a facility that not only allowed her to detox safely, but also provided group therapy and one- on- therapy sessions. The first few days of detox were absolute hell, and more than once, did she find herself wanting to run out as quick as she could. She somehow made it through, reminding herself that she wanted to get better and couldn't go back to the way she was living. Towards the end of the first week, she began to feel a bit better, and she ended up staying in-patient for nearly two months. During that time, she participated in the group therapy sessions, and had the one- on- one sessions. It took her weeks before she even spoke a word, but she slowly started opening up and she realized therapy wasn't actually that bad. It was gut- wrenching to talk about childhood experiences and her life of the past few years, don't get her wrong, but having people who truly listened and allowed her to speak freely about her experiences was unlike anything she'd ever experienced. After two months at the hospital, she finally discharged and moved back in with her parents.

Her father's retirement wasn't immediate, but it didn't bother her as much as it used to. After that night on the porch, they started talking more and grew closer than they ever had been before – her mom included. She continued her therapy sessions, got a job working at a record store, and, after a year, started thinking seriously about what her future held. If she was honest, she had no clue what she wanted to do. She had graduated high school by the skin of her teeth, so she knew no college worth anything would accept her. She thought about starting out at Cape Fear, before ultimately going to Appalachian State, but she wasn't even sure what she wanted to do. Music was her dream – she started playing guitar again and singing – it turned out she had a killer singing voice, one her parents always told her was good, but she never actually believed – and even writing her own music, but she wasn't sure if that was career worthy.

She didn't know when she started to contemplate joining the Air Force, but it slowly kept creeping in her head. She pushed it away at first – that would be ironic, wouldn't it? Resenting her dad her entire life for joining, then joining herself. She knew the discipline would do her good though and keep her clean. She still struggled sometimes, to be honest, and even though she wouldn't dare do anything to mess it up, she still had those cravings, and they were hard to break. Luckily, through all the therapy she received, most of the things that pushed her to addiction in the first place were being talked about and reframed, and she had gotten to a place of acceptance and forgiveness. It was still a process, and would probably forever be, but she wanted to keep on the track she was on. She wanted to go forwards, not backwards.

She talked to her dad about joining and while she couldn't help but notice the shock that appeared on his face, she took the time to listen to his experiences and took them to heart. Therapy taught her to listen to other people's experiences – truly listen, not just listen to respond – and she realized she had no idea what her dad had been through all these years. He shared story after story of the family he found with his fellow airmen, he was able to go to college, and even though he was away from them for most of her childhood, the Air Force had shaped him into the man who was standing in front of her today. A few months after her initial thoughts of joining, she finally enlisted at 21 years old.

Seven years later, she was a completely different person than she was that night on the porch. She had stayed clean, learned leadership and discipline, teamwork skills, even gotten a degree and graduated from the Air Force academy. She worked her way up to becoming a pilot and was now living a life a few years ago she would've believed to be impossible. Her fellow airmen had become her family and it brought her to the best friend she'd ever have - Jeff Bishop. They met when she was first stationed at Edwards- living in the same barracks and even attended the academy together. He got her through times where she'd miss her family and the life she left behind. She confided in him about her addiction, only to find out Jeff had gone through the same thing and joined for the same reasons she did. They bonded over shared experiences, their love of music and film, and were instantly drawn to each other's infectious personalities. She'd never had a best friend who truly knew her and accepted her for who she was. He was her home away from home, and she was the same for him.

In what could only be described as fate, she found out soon after meeting him that he lived in Burgaw – a small town thirty minutes away from Wilmington. He was 24 when they met – a few years older than Ashton. He'd always say he was keeping her under his wing. He had left behind his family – mom, dad, younger brother, and best friend Ellie, who, turns out, he was secretly in love with. The two met in high school and had been friends ever since. Jeff, he told her, had loved her from the start. When she asked why he had never told Ellie how he felt, he said he couldn't accept it if she didn't feel the same. It was better to just be friends than run the risk of losing her.

Ashton was thankful in that moment that she had no ties. She dated lazily in her teens and 20's before enlisting, but nothing had really come from it. She didn't do attachments, especially during her addiction, and she dated a girl while working at the record store, but it soon came to an end when Ashton told her she was enlisting. In the years since her enlistment, she had found no one special, preferring instead to just hook up with locals wherever she was, and finding connection that way. She had her family back home, her family in the force, nothing else was really needed as far as she was concerned.

At 28, she finally had her life together. She had broken the chains of her addiction, rekindled the relationship with her mom and dad, found a best friend who accepted her unconditionally, and found a family away from home. She learned more about herself, became confident, and was committed to the force through and through. If asked, she couldn't want anything more. She didn't realize though just how much her life would change in the months to come.

A/N: 4,000 word prologue, i'm insane for that.

So I had a version of this story written and published on this site. I wrote it when I was 14 years old, publishing it when I was 16, and i'm now 28. So it's been a MINUTE since I even entertained the thought of this story. But I've gotten back into writing, remembered this, and came back to it. The original version was between a guy and girl, but I was like hmmm I'm gay now let's revamp it to a wlw story. The good news is, the basic premise of this story is complete - like I said, i've already written it. Of course a LOT will change from the original, but since I already pretty much know what's going to happen with this story, it won't take long to upload chapters once i've edited them.

Thanks for reading! Also stream All I Wanted by Paramore - it inspired the title of this