Chapter 1
She woke again, screaming without sound in a cold sweat. It took her a second to realize she was still at her desk, her clock shown 3 in the morning…
She was so tired, so much work, so many people to instruct.
She reached into her draw and pulled out a bottle
3 no 4 would do it
They'd take the edge off, the panic that she couldn't seem to shake
"CJ where's CJ" asked the president as he watched the senior staff gather in his office
"Yes where's CJ" asked Leo exasperatedly pausing his debate with Sam
"This is the 3rd time she's been late this week" Josh commented
"Really Josh? We had no idea" Toby sighed back always keen to have a reason to debate Josh
"Sorry I'm late" said CJ running in
"You look tired" Josh remarked
"We're all tired Josh, what did I miss" she snapped, her temper shorter than normal
She leaned on the end table hoping no one would notice that she couldn't see straight much less think straight
"CJ I need to know if you anticipate the press pushing back on the census return" said Leo getting down to business
Census why couldn't see remember anything about a census? Sam had just taught her this her thoughts were mud she couldn't find anything
"CJ! CJ!" He presidents voice broke through her pill induced haze
"No" she replied, she didn't remember nor did she want to remember the question, but her answer seemed to satisfy the room
"Excellent then, Toby I'll have you draft the presidents speech, Sam start the public relation, Josh get a congressman, preferably Green, and CJ brief the press, write the statement and then if you could do the press tour instead I'll be able to work on the bill. Then I need everyone ready for the state dinner at 7." said Leo authoritatively
Work so much work, she used to love work but now, it has just become so much recently. Suddenly her mouth felt so so dry and she started feeling like she couldn't breathe, No this couldn't happen not again and most certainly not in the presidents office. Silently she prayed he'd dismiss them and she could get away
"Excellent" said the president "you all have jobs to do, if the whole plan hasn't shot to hell in half an hour" he joked
The senior staff trickled out one by one, most were gone by the time CJ realized it was time to move, she hurried out quickly
A bathroom she had to find a bathroom, calm down,regain her composure, the anxiety was hitting her but she had suppress it, she ran for the bathroom
Breathe. She couldn't get air. God no not today, these attacks were becoming more consistent. Hyperventilating she wasn't sure she wasn't going to pass out. The pills. She needed the pills. The pills they would help, they numbed her helped her stop the panic. Nope she was going to be sick, leaning back against the stall wall she wished it would all go away. This empty feeling would leave, the pressure would lift. She pulled herself up and stepped out of the stall, seeing her face she rubbed under her eyes hoping the dark circles were just her mascara, they weren't. She rubbed her face, before plastering on her fake smile to return to the world, she was thankful, this time there hasn't been any flashbacks
Chapter 2
Briefing, pills, getting ready, half a bottle of vodka, and a lecture on professionalism from Leo, is how the rest of the day went. She was positively exhausted from pretending all day and the pain in her body from its constant abuse couldn't distract from the nagging pain in the back of her mind
The state dinner, she had to go to it. She could do it, she'd be okay. 2 more should do it. She had to go meet the rest of the senior staff outside the ball room
She stubbled out of her office, dizzy so dizzy and hungover? She couldn't tell anymore
"CJ excellent now we can go in" declared Leo upon her arrival
"CJ we're going to need you to do another press conference tomorrow morning" said Toby, as he and Josh caught up to her entering the room
"About what Toby" she asked rolling her eyes
"Banking bill" interrupted Josh
"Fine" she replied mentally adding it to her ever growing list of panic inducing activities
"Careful CJ or I'll let Josh in your press room again" joked Sam
"Ha ha" she laughed dryly as they walked doff to smooz some new judge
"CJ!" Came a voice from across the room, great. The First Lady and the president, under other conditions she would have been glad to have a conversation with them, they were friends after all, however today… this week… they'd been in her ever growing list of people to avoid
"Ma'am. Mr president." She greeted with a brave stab at calm even as the panic rose in her chest
"CJ you know you can call me Abbey" she said smiling, "how are you?" She asked kindly
"Excellent" she said with an attempt at enthusiasm, which to her regret came off much more tired than happy
The First Lady raised her eyebrows slightly but the president intervened "I'm sure the press were very excitable this week what with the new bill and the state dinner" he said causally
"Of course sir, the press never sleeps" she tried as a joke. Much to her relief he laughed before excusing them to " go smooz" a centaur
Leo had instructed her to give a quick press update and declare a full lid.
she would do that and then she had to find an escape, the empty feeling was coming back, that hole that kept getting filled but pills and panic
Chapter 3
"Jed?" Asked Abbey as they took their seats at the front table
"Yes sweet-knees" he replied pulling out her chair for her
"Did CJ look well to you? She asked quietly "she seemed so pale and shakey"
The thought for a second "Now that I think about it she hasn't been looking so good this week, she's been late, and her smile has seemed a little forced" he mulled it over "do you think she's Ill?"
"I'm not sure, I'd just like to keep an eye on her" replied abbey
Jed shrugged "your the doctor honey" he replied kissing her cheek gently.
Abbey knew her husband, this worried him more than he would let on. Truth be told it worried her very much as-well. CJ had become like a second daughter to them over the years. Most of the senior staff it was clear they loved her husband but they were Leo's guys. CJ? She'd always been Jed's through and through. She vowed to watch her more carefully and she knew her husband would be too wether he admitted it or not she could see the concern in his eyes as they followed CJ across the room and out the door
Chapter 4
"She's wearing a beige ball gown, Stella montro black heels and a black silk clutch designer" finished CJ after being assaulted by the press outside the room, this could count as her final briefing she figured, "this will be the last briefing of the day" she announced and after answering a-few more questions, all about fashion which was discouraging in itself. "That's all folks, full lid" she said turning back around the go back into the room.
However as soon as she entered she headed for the bathroom, she felt the panic rising again. She wished it would stop, it was so unpredictable. Now she was running almost full out as panic bubbled at the surface.
Unknown to her the First Lady had been watching for her return, seeing the panicked look on her face, she decided it would be best to follow her, she touched her husband in the arm to get his attention
"Jed? CJ." Was all she had to say and he immediately understood and nodded, watching in concern as she descended from the table and hurriedly walked towards the bathroom
God this wasn't good, CJ looked at herself in the mirror, there was no point denying it anymore, these were full blown panic attacks, she reached for her pocket looking for one more of those Valium pills hoping against hope the one she swallowed was going to numb this. Hyperventilating, she wanted to cry, she couldn't breathe anymore, she wanted it to stop it needed to stop, she leaned heavily on the vanity hoping she wasn't about to collapse
She was laying on the floor, he was standing over her yelling, she was worthless, he hated her, he would leave her, no no no, it had to stop he couldn't leave her. He hit her, she screamed which only provoked him, it hurt and she was crying, "Stop it or I'll give you a reason to cry" he sniggered at her. I own you, CJ, my girlfriend, my property.
"CJ?" came a concerned voice from the doorway before she heard the First Lady jump into action and come over to rub her back
No no no. This wasn't happening. She had to pull herself together. NOW. No way was the First Lady going to see her like this.
She straightened up, shaking off the protective hand on her back and turning in the tap to wash her hands in cold water, hoping it would stop the incoming dissociation
"CJ?" She jumped, she'd almost forgotten she wasn't alone "CJ what's wrong honey" asked Abbey kindly wishing she could read the other woman's face better
"Absolutely nothing ma'am" she replied with her best stab at airiness
The First Lady was not proned to giving up that easily she was a doctor this was her job
"Well something is" said Abbey gently, she put her hand on CJ's forehead which she immediately shook off "your a little warm" said Abbey who looked like she was debating the best way to help
CJ put on her smile on her face, she had done this before she knew what to do "Really Abbey I'm alright" she said with what she hoped was a final and confident tone
CJ turned to leave when Abbey spoke once more "CJ if you ever need anything Jed and I are here for you honey"
CJ smiled and nodded briefly before making to leave, her office she'd go back to her office. Upon return she poured herself a drink, her hands shook so badly she couldn't even drink it. She just sat there wishing, praying it would all stop, why wouldn't it stop. So that's how she spent the night, at her desk with the bottle hoping the alcohol could fill the feeling of hopelessness.
Chapter 5
7am, the knock at her door came "you have a meeting in 15 minutes" came Carols voice through the door
"Coming" she replied , she had no energy left to do anything, but there was so much work to do.
She walked out of her office, walking straight was a challenge, but at this point she was used to it
"CJ?" Josh caught up to her
"Josh" she replied with a shot at their usual banter
"i can't find Dani Concannon anywhere and I need to give him a statement right after the meeting"
Did she always have to do everything for everyone, well she did work with what she described as 3 stooges. So being the mother was in her job description "haven't seen him Josh, I'd check the press room, and if not check my office he likes to bother me" she said not stopping as they entered the Oval Office
"Cool" said Josh as he took his seat
The meeting ran smoothly, CJ wasn't focused she was too busy thinking of everything she hadn't done, finally the president dismissing them broke her trance, she got up to leave with the rest but was held back
"CJ hold on a minute" said the president rising to walk around his desk
"Yes sir" she replied, she knew she had to be normal for this one, it didn't matter that she was tired, anxious, or her head was spinning or anything
"How are you?" He asked looking her up and down, this wasn't a usual conversation to have with the president, she figured his wife had talked to him
"Just fine sir" she smiled trying to have an air of confidence
"Hm" he said eyeing her cautiously truth be told she reminded him very much of his wife, stubborn, opinionated and usually unwilling to accept help from anyone, still he cared very much about the woman in front of him as did his wife, she had asked him to talk to CJ and he would do just that
"CJ why don't you come to dinner tonight, with the First Lady and myself, I know she misses very much talking to you" he said watching to see her reaction
Ugh she didn't need this, not today, not this week, not this month but it was the president of the United States, she couldn't very well say no. Now she was in a lose lose situation
"Of course sir" was her final reply
"Good good, I'll see you at 7" he said jovially returning to his desk and getting out his paper as she left
Chapter 6
She did not want to do this. Standing outside the white house dining room, she did not want to go through those doors and spend a dinner with the president and First Lady. It wasn't that she didn't like them. She liked them both very much, she looked up to them both but her head was pounding, she was already dizzy and the hangover from this morning was finally catching up with her
She took a deep breath and knocked, the door opened to the First Lady
"CJ! Good to see you" she exclaimed hugging the younger woman
"Mr president" she greeted as she entered
He nodded and smiled as he poured wine
"Take a seat" said Abbey brightly
Which CJ did hoping it would make the room stop spinning
"So CJ" said abbey sitting down across from her "how is the press now a days" she was making simple calm conversation to see how CJ was going to react
"Oh the press waits for no one" said the president sagely taking his seat
CJ smiled glad he'd taken the question "certainly doesn't" she replied
They made pleasant conversation for most of dinner, CJ felt worse by the second, as the questions got more personal she got more panicked, her head spun with every word, she doubted that she'd be able to get up without falling back over
Abbey meanwhile was watching her with wrapped attention as was her husband, she rubbed her head with one hand, they exchanged a look, she seemed normal, she made normal conversation, but she looked pale, sickly even, not even the careful concealer could cover the dark circles under her eyes. And she'd never been fidgety like this before, CJ always composed always so confident looked almost panicked
CJ knew she wouldn't be able to keep this up much longer, her thoughts were starting to over whelm her and physically she just felt sick
"Thank you very much mr president" she nodded at him "ma'am" she smiled at her "but I really should be going"
"Of course CJ" said the president
"Thank you" she replied and rose to leave, it only took 3 seconds for her to realize her vision was gone and in 5 she was on the floor.
Chapter 7
"CJ" said a gentle voice above her
her eyelids fluttered open to see Abbey leaning over her, CJ tried to sit up straight but drooped back down "how do you feel honey" asked the First Lady gently watching her carefully
"I'm fine, I just got a little light headed" she tried to pass off with the best airy smile she could muster
The First Lady gave her a piercing look, that said only too clearly she didn't believe a word, before turning to her husband
"Jed would you grab my bag for me" she asked
"Uh yes" replied the president who looked very confused about how to help and happy to have something to do
"Thank you darling" she said taking her medical bag from her husband and taking out thermometer and tried to stick it in her mouth
CJ tensed and flinched away upon the contact, realizing too late that Abbey wasn't a threat
This one wasn't going to be fun to cover up
"Really ma'am that isn't necessary I'm fine" said CJ trying to muster a smile and confidence
"Hm" said Abbey worriedly watching the younger woman pull herself up
"Jed" abbey motioned her head towards to the door displaying she wanted to talk to him in private
"CJ would you sit here for a second?" Asked abbey kindly "try not to move too much" she said trying to lighten the mood as she left with Jed
"Jed I'm worried about her" she said glancing at the door on the other side of which CJ sat
"There's something wrong, and I don't think it's physical, I think she needs us right now" she said sadly wishing she could read CJ's mind
"She looks small" he said absent mindedly, he couldn't figure out why this tall smart, brilliant young woman suddenly looked so small "So?" He asked looking back at his wife
"Why do you just assume I have a plan" she looked at him sharply
"Don't you" he asked smirking slightly
"Yes" she admitted
"Surprise surprise" he said smiling as he mocked her
"Jed this is serious" she said rolling her eyes at her husbands shenanigans but a small smile played on her lips
"I think she should stay here tonight" she said already preparing a way to convince the stubborn woman in the other room
"Of course Abbey if you think it's best" he said, truth be told he thought it was best aswell
She nodded and he opened the door for her to re enter the dinning room
CJ was sitting at the table staring off into space
"CJ" said Abbey gently getting her attention and smiling at her "CJ why don't you stay here tonight, one of the guest bedrooms is already made up" she said kindly
"Really ma'am I'm fine" said CJ, this was the last thing in the world she needed, the president and First Lady knowing her deepest secrets, she didn't need them knowing about the pills, night terrors or anything else
"CJ please, it's Abbey" she said feeling a great motherly love towards her
"CJ it's no trouble please stay" said the president looking down at her with a concerned but kind smile
Eventually she nodded, the more she fought it the more insistent they'd become
"I'll take you to your room" said Abbey reaching out to help her up, CJ flinched away from the touch hoping Abbey hadn't noticed the knee jerk reaction. Of course Abbey had.
After biding the president good night Abbey lead her to a bedroom
"Goodnight dear, if you need anything" she motioned to the hall
"Thank you, Abbey?" Abbey smiled happy that CJ was letting down her guard, even if it was just in the slightest
She went back down the hall to her room where she got into bed next to her husband
Chapter 8
CJ wasn't having as nice a time, she took off her dress and put in the night dress laid out in the bed, she tried to close her eyes and fall asleep but everytime she did the memories came back, she was so exhausted it had been days since she'd slept and months since she'd had a good night sleep
Princess he called, no he was back, she shook as he came up behind her. Please don't, she begged without turning around. Turn around he growled bottle in hand. Your drunk she said trying to edge away. That did it. I AM NOT he roared smashing the bottle across her arm. She screamed as blood gushed down her body. Quiet baby he said snidely as he grabbed her
She was flailing around, without realizing it she let out a scream, and she began to sob, she could feel the pain and fear almost as if it was actually happening, she couldn't do it anymore
"CJ!" Abbey said urgently knocking aggressively on her door, she'd heard a scream down the hall, she was afraid something was very wrong, she didn't wait for an answer she just swung open the door
CJ was sitting on the floor looking panic struck, pale, sickly and sobbing gently.
"CJ…" she said gently moving over to her and sitting down beside her "CJ darling please, whats wrong" Abbey practically begged with her
CJ as the feeling of just giving up washed over her she opened her mouth for one last stab at claiming she was fine, but Abbey cut her off
"CJ don't you dare say your fine" said Abbey shooting her a stern motherly look
"I can't do it anymore Abbey" she said sadly looking up and her with watery eyes "what can't you do CJ?"she asked gently
Something about the look in CJ's eyes scared Abbey
"The flashbacks" CJ muttered
Abbey cocked her head but reached out to put her hand on the other woman's back, CJ instantly moved away from the touch
"Oh honey" said Abbey finally putting two and two together "someone's hurt you haven't they"
And with that CJ burst into heavy tears, Abbeys mother instinct was strong, she gently and careful sat down next to CJ and wrapped her in a hug
"CJ darling" she whispered "Jed and I, we love you, your safe here."