Misa Amane thought back about her life in the past couple of years.
What she did then, what she got, and how she ended up where she was now.
Being a famous teenage model was never really her own conscious choice, rather it was the result of her need of love and validation.
Being raised in a strict and conservative family, she was bound to archaic rules that she had to act in certain ways that her family deemed appropriate. Girls should never raise their voices.
Girls have to be obedient. Girls have to be this… this… and that.
She thought back on how she was free to live but her life was never fully her own. She was free to study many things she liked but she should never let others knew her thoughts. Not when they're against the family values.
She was taught the value of respect but never got any chance to experience one for herself. She was taught to cherish her family more than anything but never told that she was loved and cherished.
After her parents' death, Misa was a wrecked ship sailing aimlessly on the ocean. But at the same time she, somehow, felt an enormous liberating feeling as well. Don't get her wrong, she loved her parents deeply. However, their absence also meant that she was finally free to live her life the way she had always wanted it to be. And that's what she did.
She thought being a model would give her a sense of certainty in regard of love that she had yearned for so long. As much as someone was treated with love in their whole lives, they still needed to hear the word spoken and intended specifically for them. Not that she was greedy, but she realized that it was just a human nature to always look for reassurance in an uncertain environment.
Being a public figure, however, had its own perks and flaws. While she was showered with love materialistically and verbally by her agency and fans, her life once again was not fully her own. She was dictated to act in certain ways and had to put on many layers of innocent façade just for the sake of being adored.
For a couple of years, she convinced herself that she was happy with her life. But a made-up happiness was bound to break sooner or later. Living in denial turned out to be more mentally torturing than what she could handle. Her mind gradually turned into a million webs tangled chaotically one to another.
However, on the verge of breaking down, a knight in shining armor appeared out of nowhere.
A mysterious mass killer who preached himself "A Justice for Humanity" finally killed the man who murdered her parents. She felt a heavy sense of gratitude to this Justice figure. She knew, deep down that it wasn't the right thing to do, but having already had a somewhat twisted mind was bound to do twisted actions. And she swore to find this person to thank him properly in person.
Finding him wasn't easy but she eventually succeeded anyway.
She found him.
The Justice.
But The Justice was never a genuine man. He was a deceptive man who would do anything to get what he wanted.
With a simple promise of happy ending from him, she turned to be someone she was not supposed to be. The overwhelming feeling to be validated and loved overpowered her logic, and she did everything her Justice asked from her.
She killed for him.
With a gentle caress of her hair, a chaste peck on the lips, or a perfectly masked pseudo love given after she committed her crimes, she killed even more. For years. She was finally happy, she thought. She convinced herself that it was the happiness she had sought for. She neglected that inner voice deep within her heart that disagreed with everything she had done. She was happy, fake or not, she didn't care. She needed something to hold on to.
But who said she could have that for the rest of her life?
The day her Justice was finally caught and sentenced to death was the day that her world crumbled down into pieces. Soon she found herself once again thrown into her wrecked ship sailing on an even bigger ocean. She swore that she had had enough and she wanted to die with him. There was no point of living anymore anyway.
But the universe seemed like it wasn't done with her yet. This time, it gave her the cruelest joke in the whole existence of humanity.
She was given a chance to atone her sins and pay for what she had done, but she had to live under the custody of the man who destroyed her seemingly perfect live, the man who brought an end to her Justice's life, the man that she despised beyond anything in her life.
However, this world did work in wonder. None could really be sure how it operated, and none could predict what would happen.
Just like someone could gain insanity through multiple excruciating pains and terrors in their lives, someone could gain otherwise through multiple awakening phases. During her life serving society as the part of her punishments, Misa gradually gained her sense of sanity. She began to see things in a different light and started to realize the bad things she did.
Though now, years after that, she had passed the stages where she used to try kill herself out of guilt and regret for what she did in the past, the feelings had never gone away. The guilt remained there and became part of her, ingrained in the deepest core of her. She knew that there was absolutely nothing she could do that would ever make up to her sins no matter what.
Misa closed her eyes and took a long breath. Exhaling it slowly hoping that it would ease the feelings within her.
As she opened her eyes, she saw own reflection in the mirror. She looked at herself closely. Her hair was no longer that golden blonde she used to dye every other week during her time as a model. She had let her natural dark hair to grow up to her waist. She looked at her body. Her arms didn't look as firm as they were. The gap thigh that she used to take pride on as a teen was no longer there. And the perfect flat stomach that she used to flaunt, was now replaced with belly that covered in stretch marks.
She never really cared of them in the first place. She knew that most women would find it repulsive. But to her it was a token of remembrance that her life was now worth living. A sign of despite the bad things she did in the past, she was still able to do good. A sign of her pregnancy that changed her life forever.
When she looked back at it, she realized that she was truly lucky. She knew that she didn't have the right to create another life after taking so many by her own hands.
But people gave her a chance at life, and she should be able to give herself one too.
She promised herself that no matter what happened, she would try to do everything in power to raise her children in the right way so that they would never end up like her. She swore to tell them how much she loved and valued them every single day. She would make sure that they would never have to questions the love given to them. After everything, her children were the most beautiful and precious thing she could ever ask for in her life. Her heart warmed at the thought of them and she smiled genuinely.
"You know if you keep smiling like that, I might think that I was really good last night" a deep gentle baritone voice said from the doorway.
Misa was startled a bit, then turned around to the direction of the voice. She saw a man that was so dear to her heart now, her husband, leaning sideway on the doorframe with a small smirk on his face.
"Don't flatter yourself" she snorted unladylike. But her tone was negative from any distaste.
"What were you thinking?" he asked as he walked closer to her
"Many things" she said gently.
"Hmm… I can tell judging from how loud your brain was. If you were thinking hard anytime longer, I'm sure you would have woken the little rascals of ours by now " he replied as he wrapped his arms around her.
Misa smiled at the endearment for their children. She leaned to the touch and wrapped her arms around his middle. She put her head on his broad chest and started enjoying the warmth that her husband provided.
She remembered the all things this man did for her and how she fell in love with him despite their rough start. How he showed her everyday the true meaning of love. How he respected and cherished her throughout their marriage, and how he gave her two most incredible kids. She looked up at him and saw that tender look on his pale face, a look empty of anything but overflowing love.
He was the man who put an end to her ex-lover's life, but he was also the man who gave her another one. Himself. She reached for his cheek and caressed it gently.
"Thank you" she said
"For what?" he asked, raising his left eyebrow.
"For everything" she replied
"For giving me a chance in life. For showing me the right path, for always being there for me even in my lowest moment, for choosing me despite my terrible wrongdoing in the past, and most of all, for giving me the best gift I could ever ask for, the twins" she continued.
"You were deceived. And for that, you deserved a second chance" he replied.
"Some parts of me still don't think I deserve to be forgiven. My sins were unforgivable" she responded weakly.
"But you've been doing good things to make up for it" he reassured
"They're still not enough. I have to make up for them for the rest of my life and it still wouldn't be enough"
"I know" he sighed heavily.
"Nothing we can do would ever be able to change the past. Life goes on and we don't live there anymore now. But we still have the chance to make a better future together. You and I, and our kids"
Misa looked up at her husband again. Her heart was so full that it might burst out of pure happiness. This man had given her everything that she had sought for so long.
"How did I end up so lucky for having you in my life?" she asked, still caressing his cheek tenderly.
He chuckled at her response. "If there's anyone lucky between us, it should be me"
"No. It's me"
"No. It's me. You're the one who stuck with a man with horrible posture who couldn't be seen out with you on normal dates"
"Good. Because of that I get to keep you all for myself" she grinned then gave him a peck on his lips.
"You're unbelievable"
"I love you, Lawliet"
"I love you too, Misa"