Ch.5: Forgiveness

"Elladan?" Elrohir's voice was soft, nearly inaudible. He limped forwards.

Elladan found that he was frozen. He could neither flee his twin nor rush to embrace Elrohir, both of which were things he wanted to do. As Elrohir drew closer, Elladan noticed more of the effects of age. Elrohir's brittle joints were stiff, his skin worn and leathery, his left eye had gone milky. He stopped in front of Elladan and blinked several times as though he didn't believe what he was seeing. Then with surprising hesitancy, Elrohir slowly reached out and ran gnarled fingers down Elladan's face.

"You came back?"

"Aye," was all Elladan could manage. He could hardly believe the state of his twin. Elrohir was trembling. Elladan couldn't tell if it was from pent up emotions or fatigue.

"As much as I would love to stand here and catch up, I have to sit or I think I may end up on the floor again," Elrohir huffed after a moment. Elladan easily kept pace as Elorhir hobbled to the window seat at the end of the hall. With more difficulty than it should have been, Elrohir settled on the cushions there with a contented sigh.

"You don't hate me?" Elladan blurted out before he could think better of it.

"No, Dan. I don't hate you," Elrohir's brow slowly furrow as he pondered the question.

"Really?" Elladan found that unbelievable. He knew how much he hated himself, it only would make sense that his twin would hate him more.

"No. I was angry at first, but I know that you have better things to do," Elrohir sighed.

"What? No! You're my world!" Elladan protested.

"It's ok. You don't have to lie to me. I can take it," Elorhir gently patted Elladan's cheek.

"I'm not lying!" Elladan's cheeks grew very heated, "I truly do love you. I just keeping making mistakes and you keep having to pay the price. I thought that it would be better if I wasn't around."

Elrohir squinted and blinked several times, as though to bring Elladan's face in focus.

"Why would it be better?" he asked plaintively.

"I though it would be better because I didn't want to accept what had happened," Elladan's eyes were smarting now, "I thought it would be easier. Now I see that I was wrong yet again."

"I accept," Elrohir hummed.

"You accept? You accept what?" Elladan hoped that Elrohir's mind was going with his eye sight.

"Your apology."

"My apology?" Elladan was bewildered. He hadn't offered an apology, had he?

"Yes, your apology. I think that is what you are trying to say, but it keeps coming our wrong. So, yes, I accept. If you want to hold on to your guilt and blame, feel free to, but know that I have forgiven you."

"But why?"

"Simply put Dan, I know my life is drawing to a close. I do not know when I will depart, but I think it is soon. I do not wish you to live on without closure."

Elladan choked at the words from his selfless twin. Mindful of Elrohir's fragile body, Elladan scooped his brother up into a hug.

"I forgive you," Elrohir murmured once more.

The brothers sat there for quite some time, quietly talking about whatever subjects came to mind. Finally, Elrohir pronounced that he was headed to bed.

Elladan tenderly helped his twin to hir room. He was shocked to see that Elrohir was asleep before his head hit the pillow. Elrohir had always been an extraordinarily light sleeper. Elladan crept from the room. He was met out the room by their father.

"What happened to him?" Elladan couldn't hide the horror in his voice.

"You should know; the life of an Edain is not easy or painless," Elrond's voice was painfully devoid of emotion, "He chose a hard path and he did not have your support, though it was your life that he saved. I fear he does not have much longer."

Elladan grimaced as he realized just how much time he had wasted as he had wallowed in his guilt and anger.

He averted his eyes from his father's sad and not quite accusatory gaze. Elladan knew that he would have to try to make it up to his brother. He didn't realize just how little time he had.

Not a week after Elladan returned, Elrohir took a turn for the worse. He had simply collapsed in the library and lacked the strength to get up again. Elladan had frantically scooped him up and raced to their father's study. Elrond examined him thoroughly. Before he could announced his prognosis, Elrohir spoke.

"Ada, you... don't need to ... tell me," Elrohir said softly and with great difficulty, "I've... known for... while."

"Known what?" Elladan demanded, fear gripping at his heart.

"This is...end," Elrohir struggled to open his eyes and look at Elladan.

"No, please. I just got back. I can't loose you," Elladan felt tears sting his eyes as he gently stroked the withered hand.

"Love... you... 'Dan," Elrohir panted, "Glad... came back."

He gave a weak cough, body shuddering with the exertion. Elladan arranged himself next to Elrohir, pulling his twin close to his chest. Elrohir shivered and snuggled closer to Elladan. Elladan felt Elrohir's shallow gasps. He glanced fearful up at Elrond, willing his father to give some other prognosis.

Not this. Not yet.

Elladan saw with shock that tears dripped down Elronds cheeks. Elrond met Elladan's eyes for a fraction of a second before he turned around and busied himself with his supplies.

The evening drew near and Elladan realized that Elrohir was surrendering his hold on life. He cuddled his fragile twin closer, refusing to accept reality. Elrohir returned the gesture at first, but he stopped as his strength continued to wane. Soon Elrohir had sunk into a sleep that Elladan knew he would never wake from.

It was a gorgeous sunrise, but Elladan hardly noticed it. As the first light of dawn crept into the room, Elrohir slipped away. It happened so quietly. One minute Elrohir was breathing, the next he wasn't. Just like that his body was an empty, spiritless shell.

Elladan screamed.

Elrond, startled awake by Elladan's blood-curdling cries, rushed over and settled on the bed. With his healer's eyes, he quickly surveyed the situation. It very quickly became clear what had happened. Elrond gave his oldest a squeeze on the shoulder, unable to bring himself to speak as his grief choked him. Elladan pleaded in denial, but he knew deep down that nothing would bring his twin back. He collapsed into Elrond's arms and quickly became a sobbing mess.

Elrorhi's funeral was held a few days later. His frail body was neatly arranged on the pyre. He was arrayed in his finest robes. To an outsider, it appeared that Elrohir was merely asleep. To Elladan though, he looked very dead. He lacked all color and his skin was waxy. Elladan knew that he himself hardly looked much better. He had dark rings under his eyes and his hair, newly cropped out of grief, was disheveled.

At a nod from Elrond, Glorfindel solemnly lowered his torch and set the pyre ablaze. The fire quickly took to the pitch soaked logs and soon the whole pile was a blaze.

As the flames lit the night sky, Elladan forced himself not to turn away. He watched as Elrohir's body was turned to ash.

"I swear, Ro, someday, somewhere, I will find you," Elladan clenched his fists in resolve.