Besides the sick "visitors" who make my life a living nightmare, I am practically in solitary confinement. I never speak to anyone, I am trapped with my thoughts and my mind. I have never felt this lonely in my whole life- Not even in the arena. When I was in The Games, at least I had something to do, a goal to achieve, I had a reason to stay alive. But here, I have nothing, no end, no way out, no way to distract myself from my circumstances.

I want to stand and pace, but that would make me feel exposed. I can't bare it. But I can't stand being this motionless and trapped. Still, I stay in my corner, on the mattress, with the sheet wrapped around me and my legs up against my chest. I rock back and forth in attempts to comfort myself, it doesn't help, but it does help me not go mad from the confinement and stillness of this space. The room I am kept in looks like one of those padded rooms they have in mental hospitals. I think they are called calming rooms? De-escalation rooms?

A sick thought goes through my mind- Did they do this on purpose? To add to the allure that these people get to "sleep with" the "mentally insane" woman? I don't know, but this room is definitely not calming me or helping my sanity. My hallucinations are about as bad as they were when I got out of the arena five years ago. Every once in a while, when I am feeling particularly tormented, I see my district partners headless body standing up against the white wall.

The blood, dirt, and teal, District 4 jacket create a striking contrast, making him impossible to ignore. Other times, I have seen his severed head roll towards me, and the kids who gave me no other choice but to throw my spear at them, collapse. Just as they did when the blade pierced their skin on live television. I close my eyes and cover my ears until it all goes away, I feel like I am in a horror movie. When the trauma from The Games was fresh and I saw things like this every day, I had Mags and Finnick to comfort me. Now I have no one.

Every time I sleep I have nightmares about being in the arena, and now nightmares about the Peacekeepers... and about my childhood. Just like being in The Games did, being assaulted here in the Capitol has made me relive so much. Especially since now I have all the time in the world to think, maybe even all the time I have left. With only my thoughts, I sit here and replay the awful, disgusting things that have been done to me over and over in my head. I scream until my voice hurts, that actually helps me somewhat but the relief is short lived.

In my introspection; I think of my father, the names he called me, the times he would hit me. He was an alcoholic sailor with a mean demeanor, he cursed like a sailor too, and he especially loved to curse at my sister, Bethany, and my mother, and I.

I think back to the beatings I would received for small mistakes I made like dropping a bucket of shrimp on the floor of his boat, or the strikes he gave me for talking back. When I was sixteen my mother, Bethany, and I finally left my father and moved in with my Aunt Ariel.

I barely ever spoke to my mother or sister about my father, I wasn't ready, I don't think they were either. All of it caused us a great deal of pain, which we did not have the time or money to deal with as we were too busy trying to make a living. We were somewhere between lower middle class and poor. Poor enough to sign up for tessera, but not so poor that we were completely food insecure and without living necessities. And very, very few people in District 4 were as poor as they are in Districts like 11 and 12.

I signed up for tessera once when I was twelve, and second time at thirteen. It made Bethany, mom, and Aunt Ariel worried sick. So instead, Beth taught me spear fishing and we learned how to illegally fish.

A girl named Emily, who Beth was friends with, told us about a spot by the water and through the woods that was secluded. Because of placement, boats couldn't see you from the main dock and there were trees all around that concealed it. If you got there early enough in the morning, there weren't as many Peacekeepers around to notice you. And on our side of the district many of them were too tired, or careless, to say anything even if they did notice.

So we would get up early and get some extra food from that spot in the water. There was, surprisingly, usually quite a few fish there, enough that we could get about two each time. There was a rocky area with some seaweed to harvest, and usually some kelp washed up that we could take with us. After we snuck this stuff home by taking paths through the wooded areas, we would go fulfill our daily jobs by the pier and the main shoreline. We could then allocate our earnings to other necessities rather then needing to spend so much of it on food.

Before learning spear fishing, I generally only made nets and fishing hooks. To this day I am extremely skilled in the art of knot tying, but this taught me how to use spears. Which helped me develop great aim, and came in handy in The Games.

I barely spoke to Bethany, my aunt, or mother after The Games, when I got out of the arena I needed to distance myself from them so Snow wouldn't target them. He was angry at me for making some Capitol citizens pity me and doubt The Games, I couldn't risk them being killed.

That didn't help though. After the 70th Hunger Games, I caused the Victors Recap interview to be postponed a couple of months. I could barely speak on the Victory tour, my escort had to read my cards for me a few times. So, my beloved mother and sister were killed by the Capitol as a punishment for me tarnishing The Games reputation, I made them look as evil as they are.

I heard a while back that my father died from an illness a few years after I won The Games, I did not mourn him much.

I sit here and ruminate my whole life, it drives me crazy. I keep hallucinating, and crying, and going into trances. In my wretched loneliness, I think of Mags. Watching her die and Finnick suffer was agonizing, my throat tightens at the thought of it. I watched the Quell with Lotus, a kind woman I befriended after we bonded over a mutual love for swimming and blackberries. I wish she was here to comfort me now. I wish Finnick was beside me and not so far away, somewhere in whatever is left of 13. I wish I was still in Johanna's cell, or Peeta's.

Peeta... I hope he is okay. When we were first taken here he was with Johanna and I for a little while. He is kind, his eyes show softness, he comforted me and held my hand when I needed it. His hands are sturdy, gentle, and reassuring, he has hands that feel as if they could hold all your sorrows. They remind me of Finnick's. He even got Johanna to, reluctantly, hold his hand, the three of us sat together with our fingers interlaced. We were horrified but at least we weren't alone.

Eventually, Snow had him dragged out of the room and taken to film Capitol propaganda, he never came back. I caught a glimpse of him in the hallway when they took me from Johanna, he had Peacekeepers on every side of him guiding him through the corridors. His emaciated body dressed in a grey suit, he shouted my name and reached out for me but they yanked us apart. This was an awful place to meet him, and I hope I can see him again soon.

I sob into my hands and the sheet that's swaddling my body before looking up. Then I see him, my district partner, Merwyn. Headless as ever, standing there, facing me. I stare at him and blink repeatedly, hoping my eyelids will wipe his image away, they don't.

"Go away Merwyn, please you're dead!" I shout.

He doesn't budge. I cover my eyes with my hands, feeling damaged beyond repair. I almost feel bad for shouting at Merwyn, he is the only thing keeping me company right now and it is not his fault he is horrifying.

I don't know how I am going to get out of this. Even if I am saved, I am an absolute wreck and I don't know how to tell Finnick what has happened to me. I dread the thought of it, the look on his face, how much he will hurt for me. A deep part of me is afraid that he will view me differently. But he won't, he's been through this before, he will understand. Finnick loves me. And when I, hopefully, see him again someday... Nothing that has happened here in this horrible, white room is going to change that. It couldn't.

I want to lift my face from my hands, but I am scared that Merwyn is still going to be standing there. What if I am now completely insane and he never goes away? What if I see him, headless, constantly for the rest of my life?

"Okay, Annie, you need to stop worrying and just check. You got this" I whisper aloud.

Slowly, I begin to lift my face from my hands, and to my delight, Merwyn is no longer there. I sigh in relief at the tiny victory.

After spending so long staring at these violently white walls, I feel like I am forgetting what color looks like. I can see the reddish hair on my head, my pale skin, the purple-ish veins and bruises beneath it. The food they give me is usually beige, but besides that, all I see is white- This room, the Peacekeepers uniforms... I shudder at the thought of them.

I think my eyes might burn out of my sockets if I ever to go outside again, I haven't seen any real color for a long time. This makes me think of Finnick's lovely blue-green eyes, in some lighting they even look brown. When will I ever get to see them again? See him? I've been crying so much that the muscles in my face have grown tired from grimacing. I am exhausted in every way possible.

All of the sudden, I hear feet approaching the door, and the handle begins to shake. Dread comes over me and I begin to hyperventilate. I don't want to go through this anymore! I pull my sheet up to my lips and bury myself as deep as I can into my corner but the door stops shaking. Are they struggling to get in?

There's two or three loud bangs before the door bursts open and two men enter. But these aren't Peacekeepers, I don't think. They look like they could be, but their suits are black and the armor is different. They seem shocked by the sight of me, but I cant tell for sure because their helmets hide their faces.

"You're okay! We're here to rescue you" one of them reassures me.

I start to lose consciousness as gas fills the room.

They've come to save me.

--

Authors note- hello! This story is kinda heavy but I promise it gets better. I love happy endings, but I also like exploring difficult topics and traumas. Eventually, things get better :)