Into the abyss
Steve's body had grown with the serum. Bigger, stronger, more enduring. He can take a lot, much more than before. And while ketchup isn't the best lubricant, the two sachets do their best to keep things slick. Almost like Vaseline. So it hardly hurts. Which almost makes it worse. If only Cap could focus on the pain. Counter an enemy's attack to fight for his survival. But he can't.
Instead, he experiences everything else. The taste of blood and ketchup in his mouth, the smell of sweat, the forest floor, leaves and smoke from a nearby fire. A heavy body lying on top of him, barely allowing him to breathe. Smacking noises, crackling flames, a hot breath rattling in his ear so loud he can't hear anything else. Except the music from the Ferris wheel inside his head.
Cap cries. He feels dirty, guilty, miserable, helpless. Once more like the little boy who was too weak to fight, and still tried time and time and again. Except for this once. He's trying to escape the abyss, telling himself over and over: 'That's not Bucky, that's not him, it's not real, this isn't happening...' But then his friend suddenly sighs into his ear: "Oh Stevie... Stevie..." And so, Steve begins to sob. The tears shake him, because he doesn't it want to be true.
He cannot understand it, doesn't even want to understand. How his friend can do this to him, if he recognizes him. How his tormentor can act so gentle, if he wants to hurt him. Why he doesn't question or mock him, but instead whispers his name, like he can't risk somebody hearing them. Can't risk them getting caught. 'He didn't want this!', Steve tries to reassure himself, 'He doesn't mean it, he didn't want to do it... He regrets it!' But he still feels miserable and like throwing up. But then he will suffocate. After all, he has breathing problems. Is way too weak and too small to fight back. Too quiet to scream. And he wouldn't want anyone to find them and see it either. Since essentially, they're doing something forbidden.
So Cap keeps still. Surrenders to this creature that Hydra created abusing him, while the puzzle pieces fall into place in his head. One realization after the other hits him, like blows to the stomach, until guilt and disgust weigh him down even more than Bucky's body. Just then the Winter Soldier starts to pick up speed, and finally it's hurting, shaking Steve out of his stupor, as he realizes that the other is about to finish. He doesn't want that, it disgusts him, wants to fight back, shake off the body that clings to him all the harder. Then Cap's gaze falls on the knife on the trunk.
If he stretches enough, he might be able to cut through the bonds. He stretches, straining his muscles, and is punished by the hand on his face, grabbing him so hard it nearly breaks his jaw and he has to tilt his head back, but the angle is just right. He yanks at the rope that cuts off his blood flow, desperately tugging at the string, while the man on top of him puffs louder and harder in a coarse voice. And then he finally takes his hand from Steve's mouth and grabs his shoulders instead, Cap is able to look up and sees the rope is almost through, takes a deep breath. And then cries out in agony as the Winter Soldier bends his body back, digging his knees into his calves and crushing his stomach further. Everything hurts, everything's disgusting, everything is wrong. And it is all too late.
Steve collapses as the man lets go of him and relaxes on his back. The frayed rope snaps and falls uselessly next to Steve's still constricted hands, and he struggles to prop himself up. Struggles to relieve the pressure on his diaphragm to breathe, as he desperately tries to repress what happened, and he silently prays: 'Don't throw up. Don't throw up now. Just don't throw up, not that too...' His whole body is shaking and his teeth are clattering, but he must get up, has to fight, quickly, while he has a chance. And then he suddenly hears: "Steve?" Then again, louder: "Steve?!"
He turns around cautiously. Bucky stares at him in shock. Breathes almost toneless: "What have I done?", only to scream not a second later: "What have I done? Oh God Steve! No! What have I done to you?! No!" He jumps off him, eyes wide with shock, stretching away his smeared hands and trembles. Steve gasps with difficulty: "Please turn me loose!" Bucky continues to whimper, but with a jank he tears through the leather strap that fixates Cap's feet. And when Steve holds up his blue hands, he doesn't have to say a word for his friend to scramble around him to pull the knife from the trunk and cut the cords with one swift move.
It's like Cap's fingers are on fire and numb at the same time. Yet he reacts in a flash when Bucks grabs himself with his metal hand and wants to use the knife in his right, and shouts at him: "Drop that shit!" "Steve no, don't touch it, I hurt you with it.", Bucky pleads, trying to move away from him because Steve put his hands over it. But Cap insists: "Drop it!" "I hurt you!", Bucks whines. "I'm fine.", Cap claims. "You're bleeding!", his buddy points out shaking, but Steve snaps: "No I'm not! You used ketchup again, that's why it looks that way!" Bucky stares at him in horror. Shaking, he asks: "Again?"
Steve avoids eye contact and instead demands: "Give me the knife! And then cover up without hurting yourself, alright?!" Bucky's hands open and the knife falls to the floor, but he just repeats: "Again?" Cap grabs the blade and puts it in a pocket, then he quickly pulls up his pants and starts to cough. His throat is sore and the nausea still lurking, so he doesn't want to speak. So when his friend keeps prying: "A... again? Did I...", he suddenly yells at him: "Just forget it, okay?" But his friend barks back: "But how?", making Cap flinch. He can see the desperation in Bucky's eyes as he slowly presses his sticky hands to his temples and whimpers: "How? Please... I don't know..." Then he closes his eyes tormented and just shivers in silence.
Cap uses the knife to completely free his legs while keeping watch on his old comrade still kneeling on the forest floor exposed. He needs to pull himself together. He can't be disgusted, frightened, or crying now. Bucky is back, he's himself again, and he needs him. Steve doesn't want to lose him again. So he tries to calm both of them down: "That... it's not that bad, I can handle it. We have to get out of here, come on!" But his friend continues to tremble with his eyes shut tight. Cap commands once more: "Get dressed, Bucky. Without hurting yourself! Okay?" But he doesn't react.
So Steve crawls up to him on his knees, and as he crouches in front of his childhood friend, he explains as calm as he can: "Okay, then I'll do it, alright? Please don't be afraid, I'm going to touch you now..." He carefully reaches for the fabric, and although Bucks cowers a bit he doesn't become aggressive, as Steve pulls up his pants and fastens them. But then he whispers quietly: "And you're still asking... After all I've..." Steve wants to play it down, and as he truly feels that way, he states: "I let it happen, it's my fault too..."
His buddy opens his eyes again and looks at him aghast. "Oh God no!", he whimpers again, "Please... I'm so sorry Stevie!" "It's not your fault.", his friend assures him softly. "Yes it is!", Bucks insists, and when Cap tries to object again, he explains: "You said 'again'! I did it 'again'! So I've abused you before!" Steve tries to deny: "No, that's not...", but Bucky replies agitated: "And I can remember! I... oh God... I remember it... I have...", then he collapses, head hung low and howling in agony: "I deserved what they did to me! After everything I've done to you... I deserved it..."
"No! Stop it, stop it Bucky, that's not true!", Steve frays and grabs his hands, "It's not true, you didn't use me..." But his buddy gives him a stern look and begs: "Please don't lie Stevie! Please! I hardly know what's real and what's not anymore! Please tell the truth! Why do I remember, if it didn't happen?" Cap looks at his old friend with pity, who tells him: "Please Steve! They lied and orchestrated so many things, they manipulated and forced me, until I couldn't tell anything apart anymore, but now I remember!", he's shaking and his eyes are wide open, "Please, I see it before me , I can feel it, something happened, please tell me the truth! Why did you say 'again'? Please Stevie, don't lie to me! Please! No more lies!" "Okay, okay, I'll tell you! I'll explain what happened.", Steve promises, and when he sees Bucks ruefully wince, he assures him: "At least as far as I can remember. And it's not how you think it is!"
He feels his childhood friend relax a little, though he still suspiciously squints at the pocket with the knife. So to distract him Cap asks: "Are we still by the river? I'd like to wash my hands and cool off a bit." Bucky blinks, a little perplexed, but explains: "I brought us as far away as I could. But there's a lake nearby." "Okay, then take me there.", Steve demands, glad for something impersonal to organize. He gets up and his old comrade follows, but then doesn't budge. "Well?", he tries to nudge him. Bucks blinks uncertain again, then stretches out a hand and points: "This way." Cap nods, also points and says: "Okay. Lead the way, I'll follow you." Bucky looks at him a bit lost again, but then he just tromps off. Steve kicks out the campfire, the embers of which have basically already burned out, and then follows his best friend.
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