Exit the situation
They've barely walked for three minutes, yet Bucky keeps nervously turning around, constantly staring back, as if on the lookout for someone, so Steve finally asks: "What's up, Bucks? Is somebody following us?" His friend gives him a short, alarmed look, then takes a step back to stand next to him and peer into the dark forest. But then he finally says: "No. There's nobody here." He still looks around tense, so Cap demands: "Is really everything alright? I mean, besides..." He leaves the sentence unfinished, but Bucky's shoulders sag again in shame and he avoids Steve's gaze. He is about to turn away when his friend puts his left hand on his normal shoulder and pleads: "You said 'no more lies'! Then please be honest with me too."
Bucky just looks at his feet, but simply replies: "Never have the enemy at your back, always in your sight! It... I get nervous when someone is standing behind me. Or following me." Cap can understand that, but when his old comrade suggests: "You could go ahead.", he refuses, because he wants to keep an eye on him in case his mind flips again: "I wouldn't know where to go. I'll end up walking into the wrong direction and we won't be getting anywhere." Bucks then explains: "I can guide you. I often had to tell them where to go so I wouldn't have any witnesses…", but his voice trails off. He looks at Steve briefly, but when he sees his startled face he wants to turn away and murmurs: "I'll be fine... I'll hurry up."
Cap still has his hand on his shoulder. Before his friend moves away, he follows an intuition and takes his hand. Bucks first looks at their joined hands in surprise, then at Steve with a raised brow, who suggests: "How about that? I'll walk next to you and hold on to you. That way you always know where I am." When he notices that Bucky appears embarrassed, he reminds him: "Do you remember? Back when we had to run away from some mob through the alleys of Brooklyn, we often held hands so that noone got lost and had to fight alone! You brought me to safety so many times that way." For the first time Bucky smiles slightly and adds: "And you me!", which makes Steve smile as well.
However, his comrade immediately becomes serious again and reminds him: "But... my hands are dirty. I don't want to... smudge you. Even more...", and tries to lightly twist his fingers out of Steve's grip. Yet he counters: "But I don't feel...", then he catches himself when Bucks looks at him hard, and admits: "Well. At least not on the hands. Okay, no more lies, no more secrets. But I really forgot for a moment." Bucky's face turns sad again, so Cap confirms: "But hands are fine, really. After all, I wanted to wash them anyways. We'll talk about the rest then, okay?" And he gently squeezes his hand once assuringly. It feels sticky, but even though it's Buck's real hand, it's quite cool, which is soothing to Steve's fingers. His old friend looks at him uncertain again, but then gives in: "It might work. Alright. Then come with me."
They walk on, and while Bucks still looks around often, he seems less paranoid than before. They reach a small lake in twilight. Bucky carefully leads Steve along the shore, to a boulder that juts out a bit, where they don't have to kneel in the mud to reach the water. Only there does he let go of him. Steve thanks him and goes on his knees to stick his still slightly throbbing fingers into the water. Next to him, his friend does the same, before slowly starting to wash his hands. The reddish-brown crust still looks like blood, and the smell is reminiscent of it too. "Does it still hurt?", Bucky suddenly asks shy. Steve moves his digits a bit and answers: "It's subsiding. Still a little numb, but getting better." "And the rest?", Bucky asks, still staring into the water.
Steve pauses for a moment. He also looks into the water, and where the mirrored expression of his friend is staring straight ahead, while still washing his already clean hands in the lake. Steve takes a deep breath, pays heed to himself, and then explains: "Well, physically it's okay. I hardly even feel it anymore. The black eye hurts way worse!" He points to his swollen eye and when his friend looks at him he tries to smile.
But Bucks just replies: "I'm sorry I hit you. I wanted to kill you." "Hydra wanted to kill me!", Cap quickly clarifies, "You were just their tool! It's not your fault!" Bucks withstands his gaze and corrects bitter: "But Hydra didn't tell me to torture and rape you. That's on me." Steve doesn't want to believe that and slightly desperate replies: "You just didn't know what you were doing anymore! You said you need more information about me..." "Excuses!", Bucks interjects, but Cap insists: "Because you didn't know who I was anymore, that's why you interrogated me! But you didn't... didn't torment me..." "You're lying!?", Bucky accuses him, but he tries defends: "You probably knew deep down that you didn't want to hurt me."
His friend opens his mouth fire new accusations, when Steve raises his hand and admits: "Okay, it did hurt! At the end." He finds it difficult to maintain eye contact as he reports: "When you got a bit rough. That hurt a little. But before that... it was almost gentle..." He can no longer look at Bucky. He's about to start explaining why he put up with it in the first place, when his friend speaks to him in a husky voice: "Almost... Steve, I have to ask you this: Does that mean I made you come?"
Cap's eyes widen and he's about to deny it, when his old comrade grabs his shoulders and looks at him desperate as he rants: "Please Steve, even if you're ashamed, that's not your fault, but you have to tell me, please: did you come, did you have an orgasm?" Steve looks back in shock and blabs: "No, no I didn't, ugh, I, no... no, I cried! It felt gross, it felt wrong, I felt sick, and I wanted it to stop, but not because it hurt, but because... because...", he looks into Buck's eyes lost, "I didn't understand what was happening. Who you even were. And it reminded me of before. And then I was paralyzed..."
His friend now looks back just as shocked, and with a pained expression he states: "That... Then I don't understand why I did it at all!" And he cries. Steve wants to cry too, but pulls himself together and hugs his buddy. "You were just confused, Bucky! You were talking all kinds of weird stuff that didn't make any sense!", he explains to him. Bucks just sobs. Cap tries to calm them both down: "I know that sounded bad... and it was. But it's over now. And I think I can handle it. Honestly!"
His friend breaks away from him and repeats: "But it reminded you of the past. So there was something, I was right, oh God..." "Shhhh!", Steve tries to appease him, "Yes, there was something. But I only now understand what exactly happened, and it's not as bad as it sounds, believe me. Come on, let's sit somewhere more comfortable." 'Distract him,' Cap thinks, 'I have to keep him occupied.', and stands up, pulling Bucks up with him. Who takes a quick look around and, without a second thought, grabs his hand again to guide him, murmuring: "Yes... it's too exposed here."
3