Looking back

Bucks brings them to a large willow tree, whose branches hang so low their leaves are touching the water. It's really secluded, but they can see the entire lake, reflecting the rising sun. If Steve was here for any other reason, he would have pulled out his sketchbook to capture the moment. But being as it is, he sits down sedate next to his friend, eyeing him attentive. "So.", he begins, "I don't know how much you remember, but I think I'll have to start at the beginning to explain it. If you think of something, you can say it, okay?" His buddy slowly nods.

Cap smiles at first, but then hesitates. Blushing and struggling for words, Bucky guesses: "Are you ashamed of what happened?" Steve shakes his head, but then admits: "Well... okay, a little. It was such a dumb thing, back when we were kids. I didn't understand what we were doing. At first I thought it was just a silly game..." From the corner of his eye he sees Bucks shake his head, but he builds up the courage to insist: "It seemed innocent to me! I really thought it was just a prank. I found it amusing." "I found it arousing.", Bucks interjects provocative, but Cap returns serious: "Yes. That too. I just didn't know how to describe it!"

Now his buddy looks back surprised, and although it takes some effort, Steve reports: "I still remember how it started. And I'm embarrassed, but that's because I was just so stupid, and... well, now I'm wondering how anyone would come up with that! We called it: 'Playing with Vaseline', remember?" Bucky flinches at the word, so he continues: "I just know, I had to put on some ointment because I was hurt. Maybe I got into a fight again and you pulled me out like you always did.", a tiny smile crosses Bucky's face again, "Anyways, I was tending to my injuries and had to take off my pants. We were in my room, talking. I didn't mind you being there, because...", Steve's gaze softens, "You never laughed at me. At my body. The other kids always made snide remarks when we had to change for sports. But with you I felt comfortable, even naked."

He catches Buck's pitying look and quickly continues: "Anyway, so I wasn't wearing much and I put on some Vaseline and... well we were maybe 12 or so, at most! We just fooled around. Maybe we wanted to play doctor again, I don't know! I just know... I found it interesting how the different fingers felt." Now shy again he looks at his buddy and guesses: "Maybe we did it because I was curious. Or to play 'taking temperature', I don't know. After all, my mom had let us play doctor when we were little, she just told us not to put anything in, because we might not get it back out. But you can always get your fingers out."

Bucks continues to look at him guilty and swallows uneasy. Steve takes another deep breath and half looking past him explains: "I still remember, I was kneeling in front of my bed, arms propped up and eyes closed. And you put your fingers in me and I had to guess which one it was, which hand and stuff..." Bucky's eyes widen again and Steve is uncomfortable: "Hey, don't give me that look, I didn't... we didn't think anything of it at the time, just that it was funny! And I was giggling the whole time too, because it tickled so much. At least I thought so.", he looks down, "And I don't know how you came up with it, but at some point you put in... ya know. I couldn't guess what it was and got scared because we weren't supposed to put anything in that wasn't attached. But, well, it was..."

It looks like his buddy is about to say something, so Steve waits a moment before continuing: "Don't you remember, I was less shocked than impressed, because yours could stand up." It's incredibly humiliating to talk about it, but Bucks seems even more embarrassed, because he turns away. 'I need to keep him occupied. Keep it objective.', Cap thinks and goes on to report: "Mine couldn't do that. But then of course I was too afraid to masturbate for a really long time. After all, I was already so broken that I didn't want to make my mother sad by going blind too!"

Bucks half-shrugs, but nods a little and looks at him again with something like pity in his eyes. Not condemning, nor amused, and yet as if he understood more of it than Steve, who's still ashamed, but also finds it easier to express his memories with every word: "Anyway, because it was okay... uh, well we agreed, we keep it clean, like, you wouldn't pee and I wouldn't go number two, and uhm... Well we just did that over and over, and laughed about it, because it tickled so much. Until it got boring or awkward.", he clears his throat, "Hrrn. But yeah we just did it again and again. Until the pot was empty. Without it it would hurt, but I couldn't tell my mother why I would need more. I couldn't buy any either, because I thought everyone would know what I used it for." Now his friend interjects: "But that can't have been everything! I remember you were crying! And you were angry... That... am I confusing something? What about the ketchup?"

Now Steve face hardens and his whole posture changes. His shoulders slump, he pulls his legs close to his torso and wraps his arms around them. Then he explains distressed: "That was later. At the fair. I think we were 15. I'm actually pretty sure... yes, we were already at college by then... Anyway, we wanted to go chat up girls. But it didn't work out, as usual. They were willing to go with you, but not with me, like always.", Bucky looks at him sad, "I wanted to split, so at least you could have some fun... We didn't have much money anyways, but it would have been enough for you to invite a girl. Well, you didn't want to hear about it..." His friend shakes his head and continues to look at him intently.

Cap frowns a little as he tries to recall: "I don't remember how we ended up in the bushes. Just that it was behind the Ferris wheel. And we've been drinking. Somehow we got hold of a bottle, I can't remember why...", but then his old friend suddenly pipes up: "Wait! Wait, hold on, I remember.. Yes, that was from the guy at the shooting gallery! He was salty when I won at the moving targets, and made a scene of not giving me my prize, don't you remember?", Steve weighs his head at this, "So I snuck into his trailer and, well, found the bottle. It was still illegal, so he couldn't report us even if he'd noticed. And then we hid to try some.", Bucks becomes a little quieter again and looks to the floor, "I remember you said, 'Just a tiny bit!', because it was forbidden for making you sick or something. So we both just had a sip. But as high-proof as the stuff was, that was already too much."

He looks uncomfortable, but his eyes clear up at the returning memory. Steve asks: "Well, do you still know how it happened? I know we were in a really weird mood, and then I was suddenly under you, but I don't really remember why..." Bucky admits remorseful: "Yes, I know. I remember... We were talking about girls. And that you've never danced with one and don't know how to do it. And not how to kiss and stuff... And I did. We danced for a bit, to the music..." "Oh," Steve says, "Oh wait, yeah... that's right, you were leading me. But I didn't want that, just because I was smaller... And it didn't work the other way around, so we sat down again."

"Yes. And started making out instead.", Bucks hangs his head, "I suggested it. I seduced you... said I'd teach you... you were so trusting, and giggling because you were drunk, worse than me... you let me do it." Steve blushes: "But I wanted it though. I mean why not? We were friends, you just wanted to help..." "I used you, Steve!", Bucky insists, but Cap finishes the sentence: "So I could see what it was like! So what if it felt good to you!" "But I knew it would! It's what I wanted, damn it!", Bucky gets loud, "You couldn't have objected anyways! And I wanted to do it with you, so I did. And you didn't resist. Go figure!" Steve is outraged: "I could have said no!" "No you couldn't, and I knew that!", Bucky scolds.

He looks right at Steve. Who feels his chest tighten again for a moment, but then he growls: "That's not true! That's not true Bucky, if I had said no you would have respected it, you would have left me alone!" "Oh, like I did back there?!", Bucks yells, only to pull back spooked and stammer: "I'm sorry Stevie, I'm sorry! But don't you see? I've always been that way..." They remain silent for a moment, Bucky looking guilty and Steve with a lump in his throat he's trying to shake off. So he reminds them both: "That can't be. Bucky I don't believe it. You've always been considerate of me. You were always there for me when the other boys bullied me and tried to force me to do something, you could never have been like that, not to me!" His friend looks at him and Cap says anxious, yet confident: "You would have stopped if I had said no! You wouldn't have kept going and told me not to fuss. I just won't believe that!"

Bucks looks back sad and then declares: "No. No I wouldn't have done that. But that's not what I meant when I said you couldn't say no. I mean, you wouldn't have dared to object. Because you needed me, after all." He turns away again slightly, and Steve asks puzzled: "What?" "You were dependent on me!", his friend suddenly exclaims, "Oh sure, you stood up to the bullies, and tyrants, and other creeps and always tried to protect people. But did anyone apart from your mom ever thank you for it? No!", he starts to gesture, "You know how people spoke of you! And that's just what they said to your face! Do you have any idea how they talked about you behind your back? The things they said about you?"

Bucks looks more and more desperate, but insists: "You didn't have anyone else! And I know you'll deny it, and I didn't want it that way either...", he has to look past him, "But you were indebted to me! For protecting you, for spending time with you, for saving you, over and over and over... I never asked for anything in return, I just wanted to be with you, I wanted to be there for you, but if I had asked you for something, you would have done everything for me, right!?", now he stares him in the eye again and Steve gets uncomfortable, although he would agree with his buddy on the last point. Bucky closes: "You were against stealing too, but you didn't say anything when I nicked the whiskey from that guy because... if you didn't have me anymore, you would have been all alone!"

His friend looks down again and Steve remains silent, shaking slightly, not even sure what about Bucky's words upsets him, but he's getting nervous. He also notices his pals concern, as he hesitantly continues to confess: "I never wanted that, really Stevie, you didn't have to prove anything to me, and I didn't want to give you handouts to own you, I didn't want you to think you're worthless, because you were weak and couldn't offer much, I didn't want any of that, but I...", he covers his face with his hands, "I heard what they were saying, and it made me feel sorry for you too, and I hated myself for it, and then I wanted...", he tears up again, "I wanted... I wanted... you! And I was afraid that that could be the reason why."

Bucks has to sniffle, and Steve gets that uneasy feeling again, making him shiver. At the same time he just wants to hug his old comrade, as he sobs: "I didn't want you to find out, I didn't want you to be ashamed, or think I see you as a woman because you were so small and cute, I wanted you to see yourself as a real man, that's what I wanted... But then...", he calms down, and bitterness creeps into his voice, "On that day, in the bushes, with the liquor... I thought, why shouldn't I have a little fun with you!"

Bucky is crying. Quiet, ashamed and sunk together. Steve looks past him helplessly. He feels betrayed. An incredibly lousy feeling. It almost tears him apart. Anger boils up in him. Fear. Disgust. And yet, there it is again. A memory. Something familiar about the feelings. It seems to slip away if he can't say it. So he speaks out his thoughts while they are still forming: "You betrayed me... That's how I felt. Treachery... It wasn't what we had agreed on. It shouldn't happen. But you were sorry..." "And I did it anyways!", Bucks agrees, "And you had to endure it because I wouldn't stop." "That's not true!", Steve returns, "Let me finish!", as his buddy wants to speak up again, but holds his tongue.

Steve tries to organize his thoughts, just starts talking: "It was... it went wrong, it shouldn't be like that... I couldn't breathe, you held my mouth shut." "So you couldn't scream!", Bucks accuses himself, but Steve snaps at him: "No, so I wouldn't laugh! Because of how much it tickled!", he looks right at his astonished friend, "I didn't understand it at the time, and neither did you, but I moaned!" He blushes when he explains: "We thought I had to giggle and laugh because it tickled so much, but it wasn't fun. It was pleasure, like you said! You gave me...", he has to look away, "You pleasured me. And that made me moan. That's why you had to silence me, so noone would find us. Because we were playing something that wasn't allowed. We both knew that. Even if we never spoke about it."

He feels so exposed and strange to admit it, to realize what really happened at the time and what was going on with him. But he had promised, no lies, no secrets. The truth. Even if it hurts. Or is unspeakably embarrassing. "That's why. You weren't being cruel that day, we always did it that way. But I was lying on my stomach and couldn't support myself. And so I couldn't just tell you that it hurt, that I felt sick and could hardly breathe, because you were too heavy for me. And I was trying to cope with it, you know how stubborn I can be. And as you said, we were both drunk..." Bucks gives him a blank stare so that Steve nervously claims: "That's why you didn't realize I didn't like it! Otherwise you would have definitely stopped! We were friends after all!" The other looks at him properly again, but he explains ruefully: "But I wanted it! I wanted to use you like that... I wanted to do that with you!" "That was just kidding around.", Steve wants to say, but Bucks gets louder again: "I knew what we were doing! I knew it from the start!"

Cap gets a sinking feeling again. He doesn't want that, it just can't be true. So he asks: "How so? How would you have known?" "The other kids were still speaking to me!", Bucky notes, "And I once caught my parents doing it." Steve looks at him surprised, as he explains: "They scolded me, of course, but they also said that that's what adults do that when they love each other very much. At school someone then explained that that's how they make love or make babies. And that the man puts his penis in the woman's hole for it. So I knew that!" Steve looks at him skeptical and his childhood friend admits: "Even though I was sometimes afraid that you might get pregnant from it and then it would come out."

Steve has to snort and Buck's mouth twitches when he agrees: "Yes, I was very stupid back then!", he immediately becomes serious again, "But on that day in the bushes, I definitely knew what was going on! I knew exactly what we were doing. Maybe... maybe that's why I got us the alcohol in the first place. I wanted us to do it." Steve keeps feeling queasy, shivers crawling under his skin that he fights to push back. He just can't believe that Bucky, his Bucky, is supposed to have been so cold and calculating back then, that he would only see an object in him, so he asks bluntly: "Why? Why did you want to do it and why with me?" Bucks gives him a pleading look, so he emphasizes: "You said no more lies! I've been honest, so tell me!"

His buddy takes another deep breath and looks up past him, as he remembers: "They said that when two people really love each other and want to stay together, then they make love. And that's what I wanted from you." Steve raises his eyebrows in astonishment, but either Bucks doesn't see it or he ignores it because he keeps talking: "And they said that the first time is something special, so you should save it for marriage, to do that with your true love. But I couldn't marry you! And I wanted you to be my first so badly!" Steve gapes in disbelief as his best friend blinks away some tears and reports: "I think that moment, where I was on top of you, and inside you, and everything was beautiful, and I came... that was the most wonderful moment of my life! Because I thought we were making love and you were my first time, and I was proud too because I was yours. I was just so happy!"

He closes his eyes again and a tear trickles down his cheek as he remembers: "And then... The next day I thought I've had a nightmare from the booze! That I made love to you and kissed you, everything was nice... and suddenly you attacked me, hit me and yelled, and called me a pig, and said you never want to see me again... It hurt so much! And I felt so bad. And still do! And now I've done it again! Because of Hydra or not, that doesn't matter. I hurt you! And I'm so ashamed of it!" Steve wants to calm him down, doesn't want him to torment himself like that. And he doesn't want himself to think it anymore, doesn't want to feel it anymore, doesn't want it to stand between them anymore, so he finally admits: "I thought you peed."

Bucks pauses, blinks, and gives him a bewildered look: "Say what?" Steve blushes again and explains: "That's why I freaked out. Because we had agreed that if someone had to go, he would let the other know so we could stop. But that day, I couldn't say anything, couldn't wiggle free... and yet, it still tickled. I thought. And then it was suddenly too much and I thought I was about to burst.", he swallows nervously, "But then only my pants got wet and I thought I peed. Because I couldn't breathe and you were tickling me so hard, and that I'd peed myself laughing, like a little kid. And then I felt you twitch inside me and it got hot. And then I thought you had peed too! INSIDE me."

He has to look down once more in shame, "It was so disgusting, I threw up. I don't think you even noticed, because you were looking at your dick, smiling a stupid smile, saying: 'Looks like a hot dog.', because of the ketchup. And I felt so sick, I wondered: 'What, you gonna put it in my mouth too?' And all that made me so angry that I beat you up.", the corners of his mouth twitch briefly, "At least within the scope of my possibilities. And I called you a pig, that's correct, and that you should never do that again. I remember that. And then I ran away. I wanted to go home and wash. I felt dirty."

Steve takes a few deep breaths and turns back to Bucks, who stares at him amazed, but lets him go on: "You ran after me and called for me, and when I didn't respond, you jumped me and covered my mouth so that I had to look at you.", he sees his friend flinch and quickly adds, "You looked so terrified! I've never seen you that frightened my whole life, not even when you broke your father's watch. And you begged me: 'Please don't tell anyone, Stevie, I'll do anything you want! I'll give you anything you want, I'll do anything, but don't tell anyone, please don't!' That got me scared too, and I worried if what we had done was really that bad."

Steve rubs his shivering arms as he continues: "You only let go when I nodded that I wouldn't scream. I then asked if I could tell my mom or go to confession with it. And you kept begging: 'tell nobody', and that you would do anything for it.", he shifts around a little nervously, "I wanted to test it and said I want your watch and you took it off immediately. I wanted your bike and you said, 'It's yours!'. I said you have to lick the toilet seat of the outhouse in the courtyard, and you promised you'll do it as soon as we get home." He looks straight at Bucks, who continues to stare intently, "I thought that was awful and frightening. But it made me realize how serious you were. You were crying, even worse than me I think. So I promised I wouldn't tell anyone. I remember I said: 'Let's go home, wash up and forget about it. Let's never talk about it again.'"

Now that it's out, Steve feels a lot better. He sits a little more openly, and can hold Bucky's questioning look as he clarifies: "The pee thing really disgusted me, I wanted to forget it. And I did. Erased it from my memory. But just now all those feelings came back again: not being able to move, your hand on my mouth, the ketchup because we didn't have Vaseline. The smell of the fire and the way you moaned in my ear. I didn't want to be dirty again from the other person peeing in me.", he insists, "Because that wasn't you! Even if a part of you was there. Like I said, you knew my name was Stevie." He blushes again and he sees how embarrassed his friend is. So he wants to appease him: "It was only then that I realized that we had had sex, that it wasn't as innocent as I thought it was at the time."

He takes a deep breath and corrects himself: "Though it still was! We were just kids, fooling around, you too, even at the fair!", he emphasizes, "Come on Bucky, we both didn't get proper sex-ed back then, and not on something like that anyways! Back then it was just sin and forbidden, and that was it! Of course something is gonna go wrong when two virgins try that for the first time!" Bucks frowns: "That's how you want to look at it?" His friend just beams at him convinced: "Yes. We were both just teens, exploring each other. And that's why something went wrong. Because we didn't know any better." But his old comrade insists: "But I did know better! I knew what we were doing, and didn't tell you. That was selfish. You would have never agreed, if you'd known what it was!"

"I wouldn't be so sure about that.", Steve muses blushing, "Maybe before the very first time. But after that... It felt good! And it didn't affect anyone else, so who cares? My mom didn't always stick to fish on Friday either, because it was too expensive, and she said, if it doesn't hurt anyone, why should it be wrong?", he looks straight at Bucky again, "It was the same with us: it felt lovely and noone got hurt. So why should it be a sin, isn't that pointless?" Bucks starts turning red, nervously tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, and asks shy: "You thought it was lovely?" Steve smiles bashful and admits: "Yes, I thought so. That's how it felt to me. And maybe if I had known... Then maybe I would have bought new Vaseline, and taken you to bed with me. So we could have a good time."

"Are you serious?", Bucks replies genuinely amazed, "Steve! I've never known you like this! For me? Or, why would you do such a thing?" His best friend confesses: "For myself. And for us. I did always love you. More than anyone else. I wanted to be with you forever, even when we'd have a wife and children, I always wanted to be friends with you and see and meet you. And it felt pleasant. So yeah, I think I would have done it. If you had told me. I would have consent to making love to you.", he moves closer to his friend, "So we would have been each other's first regardless. Just like we are now. That's something, isn't it?"

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