Lifeline
Bucky has relaxed a bit, leans on the trunk, legs stretched out, and shakes his head in bewilderment. Steve puts an arm on his shoulder and inquires: "Something I don't understand at all though... I told you that you weren't rough with me, actually rather gentle, and... that was hard for me too, but then why did you think I could climax? And why would that be worse?" Bucky pulls his legs back in and hugs them like Steve did at the beginning of his report.
He starts bouncing nervously and then he frowns again like he did as the Winter Soldier, so Cap quickly paddles back: "No, wait, on second thought, it doesn't really matter...", but then his friend starts talking softly: "Imagine there is this really nasty guy, who does things to you and hurts you, over and over again. And it's vile, you cry and you're disgusted with yourself, you feel sick and you're scared... And it gets worse every time, and it's so gross. And then he does it again and suddenly says: 'Oh, so you like that!'", his voice suddenly becomes grumpy and nasal, his look shows disgust and he sits still, "'You enjoy this, you like what I'm doing to you!'", he starts rocking and whimpering again, "And you cry, no, no, stop, let me go, please kill me, I hate you, I can't take it anymore... But it doesn't matter, because then you look down at yourself, everything is so disgusting and yet you're suddenly hard and it gets worse and at some point you come!"
Bucky closes his eyes, presses his hands over his mouth, and cowers trembling. It's tearing Steve apart. He realizes how tense his friend is, how beat, how broken, how damn tired he must be, and that he's still pulling himself together, that that still wasn't it. He feels so helpless. But then he scoots a little closer, puts his hand on Bucky's knee and gently pets him. Bucks puts his hands down, grabs him with his right, and tries to look at him as he struggles to finish: "It's so wrong, and gross, and dirty. You feel guilty and ashamed, what's wrong with me, am I losing my mind? And that's how they can break you, that's how they'll break you even more...", he suddenly grows louder, violently bouncing his legs, "They tear you down, they completely destroy you, everything bleeds and you're screaming, all your bones your insides your soul your mind it hurts so much..."
Steve can't help it, he has to hug his suffering friend, and Bucky clutches him, almost hurts him with his metal arm, while he speaks faster, more confused and desperate, telling him, or at least trying, what was done to him. Where he got it from. And Steve understands. He understands much more than he would like to, and he feels the thought settling in his head, that he can thank his lucky stars that what Bucky did to him was worlds more harmless, than all that led to him being able to do it at all. At some point his friend just cries, hyperventilates, calms down again, speaks jumbled or yells, trying to let out the pain, give it room.
And Steve tries to keep him grounded. Fights to keep Bucky with him and not the Winter Soldier, the cold monster without emotions, whom the feelings and memories cannot hurt. He can sense him lurking, waiting for Bucky to call him. But instead he calls for Steve. Again and again, making sure he's still there, that it's really him he's holding.
Apologizes. Over and over. To Steve, to the world, to God, wants to own up, carry to the guilt, bear the blame, endure it all... And Steve forgives him. Forgives him the past, the present, and everything in between. Weeps with him, rubs his back, looks into his eyes when his are searching for him again. He won't drop him. Steve had his abyss. Now he's holding Bucky over his. But he's holding him. He won't let go. Won't let him fall. Not this time!
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