Sora woke the morning of his wedding alone, as expected. Someone had convinced Naruto it was bad luck to see one's spouse the day of their wedding before the actual event, so Naruto had spent the night after his bachelor party at an undisclosed location.
Sora checked his phone, however, because Naruto's Texas had petered off after 11 when, Sora presumed, Naruto had gone to sleep.
There was nothing from Naruto, but there was a missed call and voicemail from Syrus.
"Hi Sora. Give me a call when you see Naruto - wait, fart nuggets. I mean, a call if you hear anything - just give me a call, okay?"
Sora frowned at the message. Did Syrus want Sora to call after the wedding, or had he forgotten Naruto was doing his preparations at Syrus's home?
He tried to fight his growing sense of foreboding as he called Syrus, but Sora wasn't good at ignoring the signs that their adventures were about to go horribly wrong, so he just braced himself.
"Hey, Syrus?"
"Hi, Sora! Everything's fine! We're all looking forward to seeing you marry Naruto later today!"
"Look, can I-"
"I can't keep up the lie anymore!" Syrus wailed. "We lost Naruto!"
"When you say 'lost'," Sora started.
"One minute he and Dan were doing a duet, and the next no one could find him! He left his phone at the Bolo, so we can't call him, but don't worry, Sora, we have a search party going and he will be ready and present by wedding time!"
"Okay, keep me updated."
With Syrus off the line, Sora wandered out into the main garage; Kairi was screwing something back onto the television.
"Well, Naruto's missing, so the flawless rehearsal was, as you said, a curse."
"This is why you should have had him chipped."
"Naruto wandering off generally isn't high on my list of concerns," Sora snapped.
"I bet you regret regret regret regret regret - it now."
Sora glowered at Kairi and shoved him to the side so he could inspect the damage. Kairi had, yes, converted their TV to HD digital cable at some point in the last six hours. "Did you do anything else while I was asleep?"
"I improved the timing on your microwave."
"Okay, I'm taking the Rabble Rouser out to look for Naruto. Don't take apart anything you can't fix before the wedding."
"No. I'm coming with you. I can optimize a Bayesian search pattern to reduce expected drive time by fifteen percent."
"Yeah, sure, if I were twelve. You can come, though, if you want, as long as you're not going to get upset when those boots get ruined."
The Rabble Rouser's tank was full and the truck tuned, because somewhere deep down Sora had known something like this was going to happen.
Consciousness came back to Naruto slowly. His head was full of sharp spikes of pain, mouth dry, and muscles cramped worse than the last time he'd tried exercise. He squinted his eyes, opening them when the light level proved to be perfectly reasonable. He did not seem to be in the Weaselbrats' guest room, unless they'd replaced the Naruto Uzumaki Green decor with drab grey and white that made Naruto feel less cool just by seeing it.
Naruto was sprawled on an ugly couch that didn't even make up for it by being comfortable. His phone was not on the couch, tiny coffee table, or the floor surrounding the couch or the wide, low chairs settled in an irregular circle around the coffee table. There was a door with a chain lock next to a fire exit map, which meant…
Naruto was in a hotel. He scratched at his chin as he took in the room, which was absent any other people, luggage, or, irritatingly, Naruto's phone. There was a desk with a phone on it, however. Naruto grabbed it and peered at the directions.
"Type 'nine', 'one', and the area code of the number you want to call." He stared at the keypad helplessly before trying 'zero zero one'.
"Hello?"
"Sora?"
"There's no Sora here; I think you have the wrong number."
"Fair enough, but do you know the area code for Greasepit?"
The line, however, had gone dead. "Fart nuggets." Naruto dropped the headset down and scowled at the phone. He could try every other area code in the hopes of finding Sora, or someone who knew his area code, or-
Naruto caught sight of the bedroom door and brightened at a new plan. Obviously if he'd had as much to drink as his hangover suggested, he had not gotten here on his own, and that meant there was someone else responsible in this hotel room.
"Okay, I am going to need a refresher - aigh!"
"Get out!"
Naruto backpedaled and slammed the door. "What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here? You are the one who showed up at my abode at one in the morning and forced me to drive you to Philadelphia." The door swung open; Naruto averted his eyes with a whine, but Belvedere Moneybags was no longer wearing his appalling bright green banana hammock (amendment, if he was, Naruto could no longer see it), but his normal, aggressively dull slacks, turtleneck, and coat. "I should press charges, but based on your rambling on the drive up here, and the extensive paperwork my sister submitted for event approval, it is clear you are merely a man in the throes of panic at the prospect of losing your freedom to the shackles of matrimony."
"What are you babbling about, Moneybags?"
"You, Mr. Thunderstruck, have cold feet."
"You take that back! I have excellent circulation!"
"I…" Moneybags sighed, and stalked past Naruto to the phone. He picked up the receiver. "Yes, room service? I would like one liter of tea, brewed with twenty grams of loose leaves in a porcelain pot for six minutes at seventy degrees Celsius, and a platter of breakfast biscuits. Thank you." He then turned and settled on one of the chairs, managing to look ominous as he did so. "I am not impugning your circulation, you ignoramus. You are having second thoughts about your impending nuptials. Your wedding."
"Second thoughts?" Naruto decided the emotion he was feeling was probably indignation. "We are talking about marrying Sora, Moneybags. The time for second thoughts would be back when I impulsively proposed in high school, not when we've been living together for years."
"Yes, yes, we can dispense with the declarations; we've all heard about your undying affection for Mr. Fetzervalve. But forcing one's nemesis to drive three and a half hours away from the venue the day of the wedding does not speak of confidence. Of course, who am I to say? I only have a doctorate in psychology from Oxford."
"Yeah well, I've got a masters in punching the faces of fancy creeps who don't know what they're talking about. I do not have an ounce of doubt in my mind about this wedding!"
"Don't you?"
"No I don't!"
"Or perhaps you do."
"I do not!"
"Or do you?"
"No!"
"Don't you?"
"Oh my gosh, no!"
"Or maybe you don't."
"Exactly!" Naruto smirked at Moneybags, who had apparently never watched Bugs Bunny.
"And yet...here we are." A knock came at the door. "Do please get that; it should be our tea."
"Any luck?"
"No, no one's seen Naruto. And before you ask, no, 'chipping' him is still off the table."
Sora took a deep breath and dropped his head against the wheel of the Rabble Rouser. The wedding wasn't for another five hours, but it was still uncomfortably close to the ceremony for them to be missing one of the grooms.
It wasn't as if Sora expected Naruto to arrive to his wedding any earlier than the nick of time; he had, however, expected to know what Naruto was up to. They may have spent time apart in their life, but almost never without the ability to reach the other. This uncertainty about where Naruto was gnawed at him, leaving his chest feeling tight and untethered. The only thing keeping panic at bay was Naruto's promise not to do any stupid stunts without Sora around to suffer the consequences with him.
"Okay, let's think this out. Taking off the table the nonexistent possibility that Naruto is rethinking this whole thing, or got lost or tried to jump Sludge Puddle Creek without a vehicle...did anyone check the sheriff's office?"
They had not, but Hoisenberry proved unhelpful. "No, we didn't see Naruto at all last night. Don't tell him, but Sheriff Cannonball's decided to leave Naruto alone today."
"Well where could he be?"
"Assuming a foot speed of 3 miles per hour, he can't have gotten more than thirty-six miles from the Concho Bolo. Therefore, he must have had access to a vehicle."
"I know!" Sora snapped, the edge of panic he'd kept down all morning starting to spiral up again. "But everyone knows how important today is, so the only person who'd take him anywhere is someone who doesn't...care about the...wedding."
"Sora?"
Sora pulled out his phone and called Belinda.
"Hello, Sora. I've finished my sweep of hospitals; some of those people were very unhelpful, but I'm quite certain Naruto didn't get himself grievously injured or worse."
"Does your brother have a secret murder house somewhere?"
"Pardon?"
"I don't know! He's got a place in Scotland he keeps towns in glass domes; people like that sometimes have secret murder houses!"
"Hm, that's never seemed Belfry's type of thing."
"I'm too young to be a widower!"
"I could call around, see if he's been using his credit card."
"Yes. Please." Sora hung up to find Kairi frowning at his phone.
"I don't supposed Belvedere Moneybags has been chipped."
"I do not have to sit here and listen to this nonsense; I am leaving to find a cab or something back home."
"Ah!" Moneybags raised one finger, smirking. "I believe you'll find that difficult without any money. You told me you would have called a cab for your little excursion, except that your best man had confiscated your phone and wallet, ironically to prevent this exact situation. It is a delightful irony."
Naruto ground his teeth, wondering if he could get Moneybags' keys off him and get back to Greasepit before Moneybags called the cops.
After a moment's thought, he put that idea in the maybe pile.
"Then can you drive me home?"
"Hm." Moneybags tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I might have considered it, if you hadn't been so dismissive of my assessment of our situation."
"So, what? Do you want me to say I don't want to marry Sora? Because that is not going to happen."
"I would like you to entertain my notions. Spend one hour, listen to me, seriously ponder my thoughts, and if you still want to return to Greasepit and marry that...mechanic, I will ferry you back there."
"Fine, but only if you buy me lunch. I am starving, and am not getting married on an empty stomach."
"Very well. I have heard this town is known for something called a 'cheese steak', so I'll indulge you for the opportunity to experience it."
What Naruto ended up getting to experience was the look of disgust on Moneybags' face when Naruto ordered his cheesesteak with Cheez Wiz; Moneybags continued to glower at Naruto as he delicately ate his own sandwich with a fork and knife.
"I was aware you had abominable taste, but this is…" Moneybags shuddered.
Naruto paused, last bit of his sandwich inches from his mouth. "If you're insulting Sora, I will kick your ass and find my own way home."
"Oh, heaven forbid. Fine. But my point still stands. You abandoned your friends at your bachelor party, left your fiancé ignorant of your plans as you drove hours out of your way with your worst enemy-"
"You are not my worst enemy. That would be Greg Grimmolds. Can I have your fries?"
Moneybags slid his tray over. "You people don't know how to make proper chips, anyway. But you keep deflecting. All I want is for you to tell me why you, on the day of your wedding, drove over a hundred miles away to gad about with a man you are not fond of instead of preparing for your nuptials."
Naruto sighed and let his head drop to the table. "I do not remember. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"No, but it's a good start." Moneybags leaned back in his seat, pressing the tips of his fingers together. "What I want to hear is that you are an impulsive, shallow narcissist who wouldn't know what love was if it were written in six-foot-high letters."
"Wait - letters?"
"Those little marks that people put on paper to make words?"
"No, shut up for a minute." Something - a memory or notion or something - was bubbling in Naruto's head. He wished Sora were around; he was good at getting at ideas Naruto had lost track of.
"This is hardly-"
"Just shut your mouth. Fart nuggets, I should not have drank that much."
Naruto closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on...love. Letters? Love letters? That didn't have anything to do with Philadelphia.
"Okay, thinking out loud. Philadelphia. Love. City of Brotherly Love."
"Possibly your subconscious is highlighting you are merely confusing platonic love for romantic."
"Can you shut up with your philosophizing for one minute? I am trying to figure out what about this place made me want to be here on my wedding day." And then Naruto's gaze, by chance, passed over the window and he saw it.
The word 'love' in six-foot-high letters.
"Oh my gosh." Naruto scrambled out of his chair and out of the store, across the street before Moneybags could rise to follow him. The letters (three feet high, rather than six) were bright red, the 'L' and 'O' balanced on top of the others, and suspended above Naruto's head. He paused underneath them, enraptured.
"How trite."
"Ma proposed to my Dad here." In the next breath, before Moneybags could say anything snide, Naruto added, "Both of them died when I was in high school."
"Ah." Moneybags paused, looking uncomfortable. "...My condolences."
"And I remember her telling me they were passing through this park and she looked at my Dad and just...knew she wanted to be with him forever. She told me my gut is smarter than my head, so I have never let thinking getting in the way of what my gut tells me."
"I find myself unsurprised that is your, and I use this word in the loosest possible manner, philosophy."
"When Sora gave me the Rabble Rouser, I remember thinking, 'well, apparently this is what Ma was talking about'. And…" It came back to Naruto, abruptly. The karaoke contest had been in full swing, and he and Dan were halfway through 'Endless Love' when he'd just remembered that story, had been hit with the full force of missing his parents and what he'd always thought the ideal relationship was.
"I decided I needed a moment with them, with this, before I got married. And that is why I kidnapped the only sober person I knew to come to Philadelphia on my wedding day."
"I was hoping you were experiencing existential doubts that would plunge the entire town of Greasepit into a scandal the likes of which it had never seen. So you can see why this revelation comes as a bit of a letdown."
"You are by far the worst mayor we have ever had."
They stood in silence, regarding the sculpture, for a few more minutes.
Then Naruto turned to Moneybags, giving him his best charming grin. "I know this is a little earlier than you said, but can I get that ride now?"
Moneybags turned to his watch; Naruto peered over his shoulder at it, only for his heart to skip a beat when he saw the time.
"It cannot be seven; I can't have missed my own wedding."
"You haven't missed it. I keep my watch on Greenwich Mean Time. We have three hours-"
"Then give me your keys; I've got speed limits to break."
Muncie had cleared out the tables and replaced most of the chairs with rows set before the stage. Green and yellow dominated the decor, culminating in a wide arch over the stage. Sora was on the stage in a denim-colored suit, Jacko next to him in an all-purpose suit jacket. Kairi and Artichoke (a great deal of debate had settled the best man question on the people in town least likely to lose the rings) flanked the stage, or at least would be, except that Artichoke was pacing the entrance.
Tension filled the room, about half of the guests watching the door, and most of the rest of them, Sora's parents included, watching Sora.
Sora, though, was calm. He'd realized about an hour ago that worrying now would ignore years of friendship, when Naruto had never let him down. Sure, he didn't know where Naruto was, what had caused him to vanish, but the what and why were for later. For now, Sora was certain Naruto would be here-
"-the nick of time, Thunderstruck," Artichoke muttered, quiet enough to be muffled, but not so quiet everyone couldn't hear. Sora, though, wasn't focusing on Artichoke, because standing next to him, there in the nick of time, as always, was Naruto, in a hunter green suit with tails, apparently, because Belinda had won some of their arguments. He looked just a little windswept, but was grinning easily (but when had Naruto ever looked worried about getting somewhere late) and when he caught sight of Sora, Naruto bounced in place and made as if to dart forward to the stage. He caught himself in a moment, but still jogged forward, trailed by Artichoke, toward Sora and Jacko.
There wasn't music, or a long march - or wouldn't have been, if Naruto had been on time. So Naruto did get to have his moment of being the center of attention, though given the way his eyes were fixed on Sora, he doubted Naruto noticed.
Because when Naruto got onto the stage, it was with a little hop as he stepped close to kiss him-
"Ah! None of that, Mr. Thunderstruck. There's a proper way to do this, and that's with the kiss at the end."
Naruto grinned and turned to the crowd, hands raised above his head. "Okay, time to get this party started!" Scattered cheers gave Naruto pause. "But first, Sora and I are going to talk a bit. You know I am not one for long-winded speeches or words with more than three syllables, but you are going to listen to me for a bit before the party portion of this event. I know you all know Sora, and maybe you think of him as this guy trailing behind me. And that is where you would be wrong. Sora is...amazing, and I know some of you have seen the raw footage of that interview Syrus put on Youtube, so I will not keep you here while I re-enact it. I will say that the worst I am with Naruto is better than the best I can be without him. He helps me be awesome all the time, just by being his awesome self. So...yeah. I love you Sora, which is why I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Aw, fuck," Sora muttered, because he could not give his speech when he felt like he was going to cry. "Can everybody just give me a second, here? I just gotta…"
Naruto wrapped his arms around Sora's shoulder, despite Jacko's muted objection. "Come on, dude. Just power through it."
Sora swallowed and nodded, jerkily. "Okay. Naruto Uzumaki is legendary. You all know he's something else. And I'm not going to say he isn't. If he weren't as awesome as he is, we might not be here right now. But I am honored that Naruto lets me see more than that - that he's not just eager to share those moments with me, but to make sure I know I'm welcome to them. He never lets me forget how much I mean to him - and if given half a chance, he'll explain it to anyone who'll stay still long enough. All of that, and he can cook. So...yeah. Naruto Uzumaki. The man I love."
Jacko stepped forward, waving down the applause. "Alright, alright, settle down. There'll be plenty of time for celebrating main event. And for that, we're going to need the rings."
Sora accepted the small box from Kairi; on Naruto's other side, Artichoke was carefully unstrapping some sort of velcro pocket from his wrist.
"Okay, Naruto?"
Naruto stepped up and opened the pocket to reveal a ring made of a dark, silvery metal. A green band ran along its center. He was smiling, almost shyly, at Sora.
"Now, repeat after me. I, Naruto Uzumaki,"
"I, Naruto Uzumaki,"
"Take you Sora,"
"Take Sora,"
"To be my spouse, to have and to hold, in sickness and health, til death do us part."
"To be my amazing husband, to be mine and me yours, forever."
"Ah...good enough. Now place the ring on his finger."
Naruto's smile went wide, triumphant, as he slipped the ring on Sora's finger.
"Sora?" Sora produced the ring, which the maker had promised could only be destroyed by casting it into the fires of Mount Doom, with the added bonus of being a sweet blue-silver color, and held it up to Naruto, whose grin had grown even wider. "Repeat after me: I, Sora,"
"I, Sora, take Naruto Uzumaki to be my spouse,"
"Er, if you could let me-"
"To have and to hold, in sickness and health, yeah, forever."
"Well, if you're done plowing forward without any sense of propriety, you can put the ring on."
Naruto curled his hand around Sora's once the ring was on; it was clear he didn't intend to let go. And he was back to smirking, eyes fixed on Sora's mouth. Because, oh my goodness, they were at that part.
"-pair of married folks, so you can kiss, but keep it decent for the kiddies."
Naruto lunged at Sora, who had by now had enough experience with this not to end up with a bruised nose on his wedding day.
But only just barely.
The party afterward wasn't much different from other Greasepit parties, except that Naruto had linked arms with Sora, and referred to Sora as his husband at every opportunity. And for once, Sora wasn't just in Naruto's limelight; this was his party, too.
It would have been overwhelming, except for Naruto at his side the entire time.
...Okay, it was a little overwhelming.
But Naruto was there, and all of Sora's friends, and Naruto kept giving Sora casual kisses when there was a lull in conversations, so.
Worth the wait. Worth the effort.
Worth it.