Tommy had a high bar for oddity; if he got freaked out over every little thing, he'd never have any time to enjoy his days with his best bro. But he was beginning to think something was seriously weird.

It had started a week ago after race night. Pippi was chatting with his fans, soaking up the attention, when a vixen - passing through or new to town Tommy didn't know - ran a finger down Pippi's chest.

"You wanna ditch this party and go somewhere a little more private?"

"Haha, thank you but no," Pippi replied. "As you can see, I am having the time of my life surrounded by my adoring public. Also, while I am flattered by your obvious attraction, I am already married."

Tommy spat out his grape juice, catching Annika in the spray.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"

"Since when is Pippi married?" Tommy demanded.

Annika snorted. "I have absolutely no idea. How long have you know him?"

"Years! I would have noticed if he got married. Are you sure he didn't get married before we met?"

"Pippi was a shiftless, lazy good-for-nothing before he met you, so I'm going to guess no."

"Then what the heck is going on here?"

Annika threw up her hands. "I have a business to keep from running into the ground, so you can bother someone else about this."

"Hey, Tommy, you doing alright? Who am I kidding, you have got to be doing amazing!" Pippi's arm around Tommy's shoulders was a familiar, comfortable pressure as Pippi leaned on Tommy.

"Yeah, doing fine, Pippi."

"I thought so. Hey, Annika, bring us all the hot wings you got!"

Pippi's marital status remained on Tommy's mind in the following weeks. The thought that there was someone that important in Pippi's life that Tommy didn't know was troubling.

In the end, he decided to consult the smartest person he knew for advice.

"Have you considered that Pippi might have been lying to spare that woman's feelings?"

Tommy stared at Captain Longstocking for several moments as he tried to compile his response. "I love Pippi, Captain Longstocking, don't get me wrong, but he has never tried to spare someone's feelings. And he didn't get anything out of telling her he was married, so I already thought of that. The only possible explanation is he got married without telling me. Why would he do that?"

"Perhaps he was embarrassed. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." Captain Longstocking slapped his Speak and Spell. "I had already typed that before I realized how foolish it sounded."

"Yeah, I'm right there with you. So what's going on?"

"Is there anyone who might know more about Pippi than you do?"

"What? Who in all of Greasepit would care enough about Pippi to know more about his life than I do?"

Silence held for a moment as Tommy considered the thought.

"So what you're saying is I should talk to Weaselbrat."

Tommy had just stepped out of the Bolo when he was accosted, Pippi grabbing him around the waist.

"There you are! Do you know how worried I was? I wake up and find the bottom bunk empty. You could have been hurt! Lost! Enjoying an awesome adventure without your best bud to have your back! Now come on, we have got to find something to do."

And normally, Tommy wouldn't object to joining Pippi in an ill-advised adventure. But the mystery of Pippi's spouse, of the secret he'd kept from Tommy for...who knew how long, weighed on Tommy. But there was no way to blow Pippi off without causing more trouble than it was worth, so Tommy went along with a trip that ended, as many of their adventures did, with the Rabble Rouser on fire while they nursed their wounds next to the burning truck.

"You know I don't often talk feelings, Tommy, but days like this…" Pippi trailed off, watching the burning truck with an almost wistful edge to his eyes. "Trying out our best ideas with you by my side, they're the sort of days I wanna keep having til the day I die."

Tommy almost said it then, almost asked why, if Pippi liked having Tommy around so much, he'd never thought to mention his mystery spouse. But it was a nice day, and Pippi looked so peaceful, a rarity Tommy didn't want to interrupt, so he let it go.

Instead he spent the next two days trying to get Weaselbrat alone, a feat made impossible if Pippi was anywhere nearby, and slightly more difficult otherwise, because Pippi was clingier than usual. Eventually, Tommy decided to play dirty, asking Pippi to pick up toilet paper and chips at Ziel's. He figured the fact that he didn't specify what kind of chips would buy him at least an extra half-hour on top of the hour it usually took Pippi to make truck stop runs. Tommy felt a little bad about it, but the mystery of Pippi's spouse, of the history he'd chosen to keep from Tommy, was driving him up the wall.

Tommy ignored the flare of annoyance when Mr. Weaselbrat, seeing Tommy had arrived without Pippi, wilted a little in the absence of his hero.

Or, rather, he channelled it into something useful.

"Okay, Weaselbrat, I've got maybe fifteen minutes before Pippi figures out where they keep the toilet paper at Ziel's, so I need to make this quick. Do you know when Pippi got married? And do you know who?"

"Married?" Weaselbrat's chin quivered. "I...would know if Pippi Longstocking were married." He grit his teeth, wounded expression giving way to a more determined stare. "But as for the who, well, that's where my Pippi Longstocking Relationship Chart will finally earn its keep!"

The subsequent review of Pippi's history with every person in town was...thorough, if not enlightening. It did, however, reveal an item of particular notice when Weaselbrat pulled out a handful of papers from a box.

"I don't know how I forgot, but Pippi did go on that road trip to Paris back in high school."

"Paris...France?"

"Oh, I'd give my right arm to see Pippi Longstocking jumping the Atlantic in his truck, but no. Arkansas, Idaho, Illinois, Texas, of course, probably some others. It was right after he got his driver's license, and I was worried he'd leave Greasepit for good. And then he came back, met you, and the rest is history!"

Tommy perused the postcards, some of which were crumpled and addressed to people other than Weaselbrat, trying to find some hint in them of whoever Pippi had married. There was no mention of a person Pippi, even sixteen-year-old Pippi who still had action figures, would have thought cool enough to marry - not in Arkansas, Idaho, Illinois, or even Texas. Still…

"But you're sure you'd know if he had gotten married after that, right?"

"Oh, for sure."

Tommy growled and shoved the postcards in his pockets. "Alright, I've gotta go before Pippi notices I'm gone. Thanks."

"You'll tell me when you figure out, right? And where they registered? I can't be the only person who didn't get them a gift!"

Tommy got home only a few minutes before Pippi, which was more time for reflection than he was comfortable with, because he was freaking out. Weaselbrat was right; Pippi wouldn't have been able to keep it a secret if he'd gotten married in town, which left the only logical explanation that Pippi'd been married the entire time he'd known Tommy, a fact Pippi had never mentioned in the years they'd known each other.

He tried to pull it together when Pippi returned, delving into the Carolina Reaper Pringles Pippi had bought just for an excuse to avoid talking to Pippi.

And in the end, it didn't help. Tommy was up all night staring at the top bunk, evaluating the friendship he'd thought he'd had. Because if Pippi had kept something this huge from Tommy, what else might be hiding?

Tommy tried pretending he was asleep when Pippi got up, but couldn't last more than a few minutes before the silence of their room drove him out of bed. What he found when he got to the kitchen made him pause.

The toaster was humming along quietly, a plate sitting next to it. There was a napkin (no, Tommy amended with a moment's glance, one of his clean rags) folded under it. Pippi was pouring a glass of something neon orange, though he looked up, jolting the jug and spilling a little when Tommy appeared. He beamed, snaggle-toothed grin enough to wash away some of Tommy's anxiety. He didn't know what was going on with Pippi's mystery spouse, but it didn't mean Pippi liked Tommy any less.

"Morning, Tommy! You have seemed a little morose lately, so I made breakfast. I got juice at Ziel's, and found some of these toaster pastries in the cabinet. They should be ready soon, I think. The toaster does not have a timer, though; you should work on that when you've got a few minutes." The toaster dinged, launching two strawberry Pop Tarts into the air. Pippi yelped and leapt for them, catching them neatly, sacrificing half the glass of juice in the process. But he looked so proud when he presented the plate, napkin, and juice to Tommy that Tommy was willing to count it a win.

"This is really nice of you-"

Pippi herded Tommy to the couch, setting his food down on the table. "As you made so clear, this is just one of the things bros are supposed to do for one another? And I know I don't talk about feelings much, but it doesn't mean you can't, if you're feeling down. I gotta have my best bud's back, right?"

Pippi's stupid sincerity did something to Tommy, because before he could stop himself, he blurted, "When did you get married? And to who? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I wouldn't think I'd need to tell you, Tommy; after all, you're the one I married."

Tommy waited, expecting some joke, addition, or some sort of explanation. When no explanation was forthcoming, he settled on saying, "What." He felt something else was needed, so he added, "When?"

Pippi dropped down onto the couch next to Tommy, grabbing one of the Pop Tarts and slinging his other arm around Tommy. "Man, don't you remember? It was, gosh, back in high school, right after our final exams, and I was feeling worried because I didn't know if I had graduated or failed. And you-"

"I decided to give you your graduation present early, because there wasn't any way you'd flunked out," Tommy said slowly. "But I still don't-"

"And you found an old truck you got for cheap and had been working on it for months. And when you showed it to me, it was the most beautiful vehicle I had ever seen. You said you named it the Rabble Rouser and I said-"

"'Marry me'," Tommy concluded.

"And you said sure!"

If Tommy remembered correctly, he'd laughed at this ridiculous dog, who looked at the product of Tommy's amateur mechanic work as if he'd been handed a top-of-the-line racer, and said, "Sure, Pippi, whatever you want." Which Pippi had apparently taken as an acceptance.

"But you never said anything after that!"

"Of course not; everything was pretty much settled at that point."

"Pippi, that's not really how any of this works. There's supposed to be a ceremony, and a license…"

Pippi shrugged. "I thought we'd just skipped that step. Obviously I was disappointed we didn't get any presents, but I figured you just didn't want to make a fuss."

"You thought we'd skipped a step. The step where we actually got married."

"Oh." Pippi shifted around, so that Tommy was all but sitting in his lap, and if Tommy had wondered if this was some weird joke, he couldn't anymore. Pippi was always casual, open with his affection toward Tommy, but he looked so earnest as he...cradled Tommy against him. "This isn't like with the TV interview, where you thought I didn't appreciate you, is it? Because I would be delighted to marry the heck out of you in front of God and all of Greasepit, especially if we get some presents out of the deal."

There were a lot of responses Tommy could make. He could explain he'd never really intended to agree to marry Pippi back in high school, although that would require a diversion to clarify that he'd wanted to (or, well, wanted to climb that dog like a tree or make out with him in the backseat of his aunt's Thunderbird; the more emotional reactions had come later), except he hadn't believed Pippi was serious. He could explain that the fact Pippi hadn't mentioned anything about this in years would lead a reasonable person to conclude Pippi had forgotten about it (although the fact Pippi thought they were married did put his insistence they live together, share a bed, bunk or otherwise, be listed as one another's emergency contacts, and have power of attorney, a phrase Tommy wouldn't have guessed Pippi knew, much less understood, in context). He could question why Pippi hadn't mentioned this to anyone else-

"Wait. Do you still have the raw footage from that interview?"

"Of course!"

And there it was, once Tommy got to the portion of the interview that centered on him.

"Of course we have a spat now and again; what married couple doesn't? But whenever I get mad, I take a second to remember he's the love of my life, and I'm so lucky to have him there by my side every day, and every race. I don't know what I'd do without him."

And Tommy got a little lost in Pippi's recorded voice, because he jumped when Pippi spoke from next to him.

"If I did something wrong, you gotta tell me, Tommy, because I can't sit over here seeing you look all sad and teary-eyed."

Tommy shook his head. "Nothing's wrong, Pippi. But you're right; we should go through the whole shebang. Flowers, rings, presents."

Pippi grinned and tugged Tommy closer into his chest. "Sure, Pippi, whatever you want."