BOTTLED UP FEELINGS
I had a mission in mind, a place to visit.
However, each time I came close to its high walls, I would reconsider, and then just turn around, grumbling to myself while I walked over tulips.
Back and forth, I darted for too long, contemplating about making the bend around the walls.
The fresh fragrance of the tulip field didn't relax me, even when they tried to wave with their bell shaped bodies and long stems. Butterflies silently fluttered past, innocently spying on my odd behavior with their wandering gem eyes.
Giant jack rabbits munched on the tulips like candy. For every hop, there was a small earthquake. Some dove into their burrows under the field, hiding from the sunset sky. I took a grander at the sun, seeing how its round belly was already starting to touch the horizon beyond the city infrastructure, like a giant orange eye gawking at the kingdom before blinking shut.
I shuddered, still feeling very off, and fiddled with my loose sleeves while searching up at the towers behind the wall. Would he be at one of the windows?
I had to talk to Vince.
I took a deep breath and stepped forward, ignoring the urge to turn around again.
The courtyard was fairly packed with pre-dinner rounds, many new faces about. Many eyes latched on to my back. Whispers lurked around, spreading like wildfire among the Royal Guard when they saw me walk through with my head held high.
The whispers were jabbing me in the gut, the next one harder than the last, as I tried to keep a straight face.
"Is that her?"
"She was with Vince. They were the only survivors."
"I heard she's getting married."
"No birthday for our Princess."
"What's she doing here?"
The whole camp was talking about me. I wanted to duck my head, wishing to have brought a cloak to shield my hair and crown. The dress alone was enough to clue in who I was, but I would've made me feel better to hide my face among the crowd of new fighters. Wooden swords clashed, cries and grumbles about the training grounds. New boys and girls training to fight goblins. Another war, always a possibility.
I am to marry from Middle Land to keep the Nightmare King satisfied. What a load of rubbish.
I boiled, marching up the steps towards the main hall. Dark blue flags waved over my head, the winds picking up, taking my dark red hair with it. I scoffed, brushing all its red strands back in place over my shoulder.
A nervous knight in clown make up stood at his post, and I approached him with, "Excuse me, may I see Vince?"
But before the knight could stutter an answer, a familiar, serious voice called out across the hall.
"Camille."
My heart thumped.
I turned, and there he was, standing there in the middle of the open corridor, wind tossing his dark hair to one side. It was like he was waiting for me the whole time, his eyes more expansive than usual.
"Vince!" I gasped, my cheeks burning.
I was ready to run towards him, but he beckoned me to follow, and turned away, his long cape drifting up. My step hurried, trying to catch up to him, strangely excited.
Vince opened a polished oak door for me and let me in first. I didn't know why, but I found it difficult to breathe as I passed him, and found it even more suffocating when he closed the door behind us.
We were alone.
"Have a seat if you want to," he mumbled, a hand to a leather armchair in the center when he walked pass, eyes distant. I've only been here a few times, back in the day, when Vince and I got a scolding from his father for being reckless children.
This was Captain Leroy's office, a fine tall room with the walls littered in bookshelves and maps of all three lands, one per each wall, which left the back wall for old paintings of places I didn't recognize. The floor was covered with a well managed red Persian rug and polished wood planks.
Vince sat behind his father's large mahogany desk, the master leather chair almost too big for his slim frame.
I was too fidgety to sit, so I stood in front of the chair and let my hands squeeze at my dress. In front of Vince, I wasn't usually this nervous, but presently, many pent-up feelings enlarged, scattering my thoughts with little organization. I wasn't confident if this meeting was premature after just finishing with the Trine Council, the leftover distress still greatly fresh.
"How did you know I was here?" I started. From my hands, I lifted my gaze, and noticed a lovely short glass with a mysterious clear orange drink in it. Vince took a swig of it and let it back down gently, eyes tossed to the side. He crossed his legs, dressed in a loose white shirt with large sleeves and tight fencing pants. He must've just finished fencing to let off steam.
"Word got around fast when you arrived," he answered dryly, not looking at me, not unusual of him.
I stepped forward, unsure of what direction my conversation shoud go. A part of me wanted to apologize, and another part of me wanted to just hold him, but neither seemed welcoming, not when he had his walls up fairly well, as always.
"Vince..." I struggled, and looked to the Persian rug.
"I don't know whether to thank you or apologize for what happened," I tried, my heart beating fast.
He was quiet for a while, and I was afraid to look up.
"I was such a fool. You saved me and even though-"
"Stop."
I gasped at his interruption and looked up. Vince stared at me, eyes into mine like he was trying to read everything without me having to say a word, and just like that, he understood, and looked to his drink. Done.
"You don't need to say anything if you don't want to. I don't resent you," he spoke quietly and then took another sip of his drink. He slammed his glass back down harder than expected, and he rubbed his other hand across his forehead, pushing back his loose hair.
"We can spend all day in here going over the shoulda, woulda and coulda, but it's not necessary," he added. And then under his breath he muttered, eyes closed, "Just thank god you're okay."
Something began to tingle in my chest all the way to my throat until I could hardly swallow.
"If anything, I'm sorry you are to be dethroned," Vince said. He looked back at me and when his eyes met mine again, I looked away, ashamed.
"You heard that already, huh?" I groaned.
"The whole kingdom knows a new prince is to come in and be the next king?" He questioned. I looked up and watched Vince stare into his glass, his fist tightly curled around it, trembling. When he let go of it, I noticed cracks left behind.
"That's what they plan. Your new king-to-be comes in tomorrow from Middle Land," I shared dryly.
"It's just as well then," Vince said cooly. I raised an eyebrow and asked, "what do you mean?"
"I'm leaving tomorrow."
I blinked at him.
"Leaving? Where? And what about the royal guard?"
Vince looked away, his eyes off to a window with the sunset through the paneled glass.
"I already have someone to take my place. They will do just fine as long as King Morpheus continues to submit to Nightmare Land's manipulation," he grumbled, and rose from his chair.
"Your father promoted me to be Captain of the Royal guard, but I turned it down." He paused, his next words chosen carefully.
"I head for Middle Land tomorrow as soon as I'm done putting on a little welcome show with my men for your new prince," he said with distaste.
The fluttering in my chest disappeared and everything shattered around me. Did he actually say he was going back to Middle Land? I thought my ears deceived me, shocked at his reveal.
"You…" my voice shook. "But you hate Middle Land! You told me before you hope to never go back!" I fought, in disbelief.
Don't go, Vince. Stay here, with your bitter attitude in this too happy of a damn place. Stay here with me and fight at my side. Protect me and lecture me. You are the only one here with the most sense. You know me better than BonBon, than anyone else in Slumberland. I wanted to say all of that, but my throat swelled from a hard lump, and I chomped my teeth together behind my lips, afraid I would just cry in front of him.
Vince walked to the window, possibly gazing upon the last sunset of Slumberland he will ever see, and explained, "I know. But it's clear I'm not needed here. I thought being here, I don't know, I thought being here in Slumberland meant I could put all the past behind me. But..." he curled his hand to a fist and his body shook.
"Unfortunately, it goes wherever I go. No matter where I go, Slumberland, Fantasy Land, La La Land, whatever! I can't escape it."
Traces of orange beams melted through the glass and landed on his face, his cheeks orange, brown eyes gold. He closed his eyes to it, savoring the heat of a sun he thought he will never swallow, his insides to remain cold forever.
I looked at my feet, and settled them close together as tightly as possible. I squeezed my eyes shut, nice and tight.
"So, that's it, then? You're just going to keep running away?" I spat.
Let me go with you then. Take me to Middle Land and show me its wonders and the so-called dangers you warn me of. Instead of saying all of that, my voice stayed put inside my mouth, unable to break through.
"Running away?" Vince questioned, eyes wide.
"Fudge you!" I cried.
"It's not fudge…Never mind... Camille," he turned to me, but I charged up to him and shoved hard, or at least tried to. I slammed my hands onto his chest and pushed him against a book case, but he only took half a step back, startled. No one would ever dare try to hit or shove Vince.
I screamed at him, "You jerk! And you think you will be any happier back in Middle Land?"
Vince clenched his teeth and glared at me.
"Well, it can't be as bad as it is here!"
"Then take me with you!" I blurted. We both froze, shocked at my sudden tantrum. My lips trembled, shaken that I revealed that much. I may as well be honest. I closed my eyes, but Vince's wide gaze was still there.
My voice settled, whimpering, "I'm not needed here. I won't be Queen, I won't be allowed to join the guard."
I gave him a pleaded look, pressing my hands into him.
"Please, Vince. Take me with you."
I didn't know what was more distracting, my demands, or my hands on his chest. I could feel the heat rising into my palms till they were lightly topped with sweat. My breathing tried to settle, stiffening, afraid to move.
Vince was still processing, his breathing minimal as though trying hard not to push his chest into my hands. I saw his long neck move when he swallowed, and then his lips opened.
"Camille," he breathed.
I got lost at his skin, gleaming orange under the loose fabric of his shirt, on fire. Vince was more defined than I thought, never noticing it before. I followed the lines of his collar bones, then down to the neck of his shirt, feeling the pull to touch his skin with my lips.
Very slowly, Vince lifted his hands, and carefully wrapped them around my wrist. I could feel his heart beating hard and fast in my palms, but then it disappeared when he pushed them away, gently.
"You ARE needed here. Your spirit is what this place needs. I can't take that away from Slumberland. You give up too easily."
I felt rejected, and the tears instantly flowed. They fell, patting the floor.
"No, Vince," I whimpered, stepping back and slipping my wrists free.
I rubbed my eyes roughly, smearing the tears up my cheeks and sniffed and coughed all at once.
"I thought YOU didn't give up too easily," I sobbed, turning away.
"Camille," he begged, reaching.
I marched across the office and opened the door too wide, having it slam into a bookshelf. Books fell over, hitting the floor.
"Camille, wait! I need to give you something!"
He grabbed for my wrist, stopping me from going any further, but I spun around, breaking our hold.
"No! For as long as I've known you, I know you hate Middle Land. You never told me your stories, but I knew. So, go. Leave me, too!" I screamed.
Vince paralyzed, unaware that he was doing exactly what Father was going to do, the one thing he knew I feared most.
When he didn't say anything, no words to console me, I spun and ran, closing the door behind me.
Immediately, I pressed my back against the door, taking deep, steady breaths to relax my wheezes. Knuckles rubbed, I closed my eyes, and counted out long to force my breath to slow down. I've never been more embarrassed.
Behind the door, I heard Vince cry out, "Damn it!"
Glass shattered somewhere inside.
I trembled in anger, and wiped the rest of my tears with my hand before anyone noticed.
Fine, let Vince run away. Let him be free to drink Middle Land imports and sulk in his own misery. It was obvious he didn't want me to join him or to stay here with me.
I thought I was going to march out of that courtyard as a confident young woman, her heart not broken nor in any distress.
But as soon as she was behind the walls, she collapsed in the tulip field.
And wept hard.
13