Damar's Demise

The elder one's turned to one another and spoke in whispers of the second coming of the chosen one. A new meme-ing to life that would bring forth the great awakening through our lord Caffeine.

Damar awoke on DS9 in his new quarters. He went through his morning routine and put on his officer's uniform (cause this is multiverse crap and everything ultimately ends up becoming Federation oriented). Damar sighed and wished he could shit a small portion of his ass prior to the cyles of extreme bowl movements his mind and body had become accustomed to.

He looked into the mirror and could hear the screaming of his fallen Cardassian brothers and sisters at the hands of the new Dominion occupation. Terrified children, upset stomach, the loss of his daughter, and the word "creamy". It seamed to haunt him in a twirling madness that grew louder till suddenly there was a knock on his door.

"Who's there?"

There was a quiet grumble "Chief of Security… please open the door Damar."

Damar released the locks and Odo walked through. "I see you've been messing with the locks again."

"See whatever you will changeling…"

"I also see you missed your last cycle."

Damar stood still momentarily while he was gathering items for the door like a communicator. He continued toward the door. "Odo… what do you know about Cardassian cycles?"

"I know that yours is irregular, I know what the reason might be, and I know that this is cause for concern." Odo's arm was stopping Damar from leaving the room.

Damar gave the Changeling a stern glare. "As you say Odo, I'm late. Please let me on my way."

"I've got my eye on you Damar."

"Some would call that harassment," he sighed "now let me get back to my duties."

Without anymore conversation Damar continued down the hallway heading toward the main deck place cause he had important bridge officer work shit to do. Yep.

Meanwhile floating outside DS9 was a mysterious object plotting evil things.

Captain Sisko was in at the on the bridge playing golf with Admiral Pike.

"My god Admiral, what a terrific swing you have" cried out Sisko.

"Thanks," intoned Pike shooting a pointy finger and a wink as his ship materialized him off the bridge.

A transporter accident similar to Tuvix but of Keiko and Kira, Kero, started speaking. "You know Sisko I just don't like it when Admirals beam in and beam out whenever they please. I just don't like it one bit."

"Noted Major Botanist," snapped off Sisko as he turned and faced Commander Damar arriving on the turbo charger lift. "Ah… Commander Dumb Bar, how nice of you to finally join us this morning."

Damar scolded the captain with his head held down. "I'll take my station sir."

Sisko put up his hands. "You're letting me down Dumb Bar… so fuckin down it hurts."

Just then O'briend said Jesus. "JAYUS!"

Lights were blinking and sounds were booping everywhere! There was an extra panel of lights in reserve just for emergencies that sprung to life. Elton John music blared over the emergency beacon.

Kero shouted "Emergency!"

Sisko snapped at the major "What ever gave you that idea major!"

Damar raised his hand.

Sisko pointed to him.

"Perhaps," Damar began, "we should reroute the thing to the thing and switch nothing on the polarity but act like we're going to just in case Q is fucking with us or something."

Sisko clapped his hands. "Any other options!? Can we fuckin do that?!"

Kero turned to O'Brien. "Come on Miles! He's obviously yelling at you!"

O'Brien was to busy toiling with the control and grumbling something about "Jaysus" and "buttox" to really notice his wife and awkward friend yelling at him. He popped up like a mole. "Alright try rerouting the connective switch on panel 1A junction 2B or Not 2B."

Kero shot the panel with a plasma rifle. "I hit the button big time!"

The station stopped having a shit storm.

The voice of Madeline Kahn came over the loudspeaker. "Camonn funkshins huv bin waturned too narmul."

Sisko tightened his fists frustrated at the annoying voice he was hearing. O'Brien tried to avoid Sisko's meandering gaze but the two locked eyes. The room was quite and O'Brien gulped.

"I- well I been meaning to fix that little problem with the-" O'Brien just stopped and it was clear Sisko was about to burst.

And burst Sisko did. "KAHN!"

There was look of personal injury on O'Brien's face. "Oh, no look I know she's not got the most elegant or mannered voice -well you now that is fluent in English…"

Poor Sisko was half crying and holding his command together with anger. "Kahn?!"

Kero just glared at Miles. O'Brien could hear his half-wife saying his middle name in his head as if it were a death threat or parking ticket validation. He gulped again and smiled tightly. "I'll get right on it sir."

Sisko smiled and turned to Damar. "Sir," remarked Damar. "we should run a full sensor sweep and the check engine light's on."

"Hmmm," Sisko thought, "run the sweep commander."

Kero looked angry. "But I wanna run the sweep!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

Meanwhile again, the mysterious object outside the station was now inside the system shield area/zone due to some technicality which I'm explaining as (that shit that happened earlier). This shit get's so complicated! Oh man so it's like some sort of wormhole rerouting device that the council of elder people from an alternative multiverse use. They already got one on there DS8, it's really nice, but anyway they need this one to do plant the seeds for another elder to be born in there universe thus allowing them to connect the multiverse portals through the stable wormhole near DS9 shared with DS8. Only way they can be born into a new universe is through someone capable of shitting his entire ass.

Now most Cardassians digest slowly and defecate only once a week. Even so, such bowl movements are never so complete as to allow the seeding and passage of a micro-wormhole-birthing apparatus. This of course leads to the perception of immaculate conception via anal discharge. One such Cardassian across all the multiverse and across all time exsists to meet such a need.

Cardassian Damar Version 456250-212 at time index 56.43. This Damar had failed to save his daughter and had shrunken away from a fight to protect his home world. He watched his people beaten and bruised by a Dominion that had gained power and then to add insult to injury he took up safe harbor with people he once called enemies. The drinking got worse, the sorrow deafening, and the result was constipated diarrhea. At the end of his irregularly long cycles he did in fact shit his entire ass. Each time. Every time.

The elders knew this. Soon they would exploit this and bring forth a tear in space and time.

To be continued...