Chapter 2: Absurd Line
Looney Island
The crew observed the bizarre sights of the seas they were on even by the New World standards, islands sprouting elephantine legs and walking around, Zunesha-like elephants using their massive ears to fly, huge striped cats with wide grins disappearing in one location to reappear in another, dogs with clocks on their bellies chasing bees with the alphabet covering their bodies, and other oddities that were very bizarre.
"This doesn't seem to match any of the islands after Wano...," said Jinbe.
"That's the least concerning part about this. Damn, even if the Log Pose was working, I wouldn't be able to make heads or tails of this pace.," said Nami as she saw a flock of flying eyeglasses heading towards an island shaped like a toilet.
"We've seemed to be reaching that island now.," said Robin.
Usopp had a less than pleased look at the buildings all giggling.
"Cool.," said Luffy.
The crews had disembarked at the port as they saw the residents acting in a chaotic manner- throwing pies at each other, using hand buzzers, bonking each other with toy mallets, etc while giggling. They looked like Minks except shorter and more cartoonish in design.
Nami looked at the sea and noticed it was covered in laughing sentient faces and immediately jerked back out of fear.
Then very subtly Nami, Sanji, Zoro, Usopp, Franky, Jinbe, and Carrot started coughing which only Brook noticed at first.
"You ok?" asked Brook to Zoro.
"I'm fine.," said Zoro.
From the larger magenta ship with the long-nosed monkey figurehead, a large man landed ahead of the Straw Hats-
A dark-skinned, big-full-lipped man with an unusually afro that was blue with white star markings, red-white striped sideburns, and a matching red-white striped goatee. He wore an open elongated pink boxing jacket with magenta lining, magenta star-shaped glasses with white rims, boxing shorts of matching pink with magenta highlights, dark pink magenta gloves, pink boxing shoes, and a golden bullet with his Jolly Roger, a skull with his unusual afro with sideburns with a set of punching gloves as crossbones. He was muscular and well-proportioned with long legs and stood 9 feet tall. He wore a straw hat with a band on his back slightly above his Jolly Roger- it was similar to Luffy's but it had a red/blue/white striped band with googly eyes in front.
"So that's the guy who saved us from whatever that was. He looks weird.," said Sanji.
"Afro guy...so cool.," said Luffy.
He glared at the cartoonish individuals as they immediately stopped and dashed into what was a very alien vehicle to the Straw Hats- a metallic carriage with wheels, windows on all sides, a set of doors, and a wheel on the left side of the front. They all managed to squeeze inside in spite of the large numbers and the tiny car being much smaller as they rode away.
Usopp was bewildered at the sight.
"Hmm, it's like you've never seen a car before.," said the afro man as Usopp, Nami, and Chopper stared with dumbfounded looks.
"What's a car?" asked Franky as he coughed.
"Everyone knows about cars on this sea. You're not from around here are you?" asked the afro man.
"This is a very funny place. I mean we came through this weird curtain. I bet there's weird stuff like this on the Grand Line.," said Luffy.
"The Grand Line huh?" remarked the man.
"Hey...what's that hat on your back? It's like mine.," asked Luffy.
However, to Luffy's confusion, the man was suddenly dressed like a school teacher.
"Now class, let's go on a school trip.," said the man in an effeminate voice.
"Wait he's an Okama?," asked Sanji with dread.
Suddenly, several figures jumped off the ship, 16 in total all currently dressed like kindergartners.
A short and round yellow creature shaped like a sun with a humanoid face who had large eyes with tiny blue pupils with thin arms and legs leading into oversized yellow shoes and white gloves.
A light-blue humanoid with a bulbous nose, yellow iris eyes with ripple ring patterns, and wearing dark purple pray beads. He had a massive katana on his back with the kanji for Yamata no Orochi.
A short dodo with a monocle with a massive boomerang on its back.
An anthropomorphic tea kettle with eyes and a grinning mouth in addition to thin limbs with white-gloved hands and black shoes.
A short bipedal platypus with a large drill strapped on its back.
An anthropomorphic short green frog with a banjo on its back.
A relatively tall man with a vanilla ice cream with two pure white sharp eyes for a head and a cake coke for a hat.
A griffin wearing a doctor's coat stood on two legs holding a rolling pin in its right hand.
A short jack in the box with accordion arms, a jack o lantern head with a dunce cap, and a pink bowtie.
A young teenage girl of average size with short white pigtail hair, blue iris eyes, and small spectacles holding a magic wand.
A large pink elephant standing on two legs wore a magenta bowler hat with a candy cane.
A bipedal cartoonish weasel with a big black nose wearing a white fedora and a Tommy toy gun.
An anthropomorphic duck with black feathers, a deerskin cap, and a musket on his back.
A large blue-eyed baby boy with blonde hair and holding maracas in his hands.
A white sheet big-bellied ghost with a top hat, an umbrella, and a halo over his head with cartoonish angel wings on his back.
And an anthropomorphic bag of popcorn with red and white stripes with a cutesy face with white-gloved hands.
All wore weird metallic shoes that Usopp noticed.
The crew was baffled or indifferent to the sight.
"I don't even know where to begin with this.," said Nami as she observed the crew.
"HOW DO YOU EVEN POOP?!," asked Luffy.
"THAT'S THE LEAST ODD THING TO ASK HERE!," shouted Usopp.
"Yes, teacher.," said the yellow being as Usopp stared befuddled as the former's feet proceeded to spin like propellers as he floated up before landing down.
Usopp went bug-eyed at the sight.
After staring for a few moments with an expressionless face, the afro man leaped up with a smile before...suddenly punching the yellow being to the shock of the Straw Hats.
"No one likes a tattle tell!" shouted the afro man as the yellow creature landed on his feet- suddenly dressed like an armored supervillain.
"How'd that change its outfit so fast?," asked Carrot.
"As expected of my ancient rival, Mancha.," said the yellow creature as his cartoonish face spontaneously turned manly and serious.
"All-Star. today is the day I defeat you.," said the afro man suddenly dressed like a freedom fighter holding a massive bagel like a potential shuriken.
The two stared at each other and then lunged at each as they entered into a comedic pink fight cloud and the cloud cleared to reveal the two pulling on the sides of the other's mouths.
"Nevermind, he's just a weirdo even by weirdo standards.," said Sanji with some relief as he continued coughing.
"What?!," shouted Nami before the white pigtail-haired girl now dressed like a black magical girl outfit with a midriff-exposing opening gave a shrug to the frog who now was dressed in a fine-tailored suit.
"They're at it again.," she said.
"I just run with it at this point- ribbit.," said the frog.
"Waffles!," the baby spontaneously yelled in an appropriately babyish voice.
"You can just ignore it. They're just odder than the rest of us.," said the ice-cream-headed man to Sanji.
"You're one to talk.," muttered Sanji.
"Hey, get out here.," said the duck now dressed in a trench jacket with a fedora as he noticed a person hiding behind a barrel. His arm elongated which shocked Luffy and the others.
"Hey! That's my thing! How are ya doing that?!," shouted Luffy.
"Come on out.," the duck said as he hoisted them off and dropped them on the port.
It was a well-endowed, pale-skinned woman who looked around Nami's age with purple rippled iris eyes, purple back-length dreadlocks, a black, billowing sleeved robe with an opening for a midriff, a black long skirt with black curved shoes with purple-black striped socks, an oversized witch hat, and round glasses with purple rims. She stood at 8 feet tall.
Unlike the others on the crew, there wasn't a subtly cartoonish aspect to her look, having facial and physical aesthetics more in line with the Grand Line. She had a deadpan and cynical look as she stared at the Straw Hats.
"Hey, Minnie. They're Red Liners like you.," said the duck as he picked up a cartoonishly large cigar, lit it up, and exploded in his face with the dust cloud revealing a burnt face as he was unfazed by the explosion.
She had a brief expression of shock before resuming her blasé look.
"Red Liners?," asked Nami as she suddenly collapsed on the ground as did Franky, Carrot, Usopp, Zoro, Jinbe, and Sanji. Luffy, Robin, Brook, Chopper, and Yamato looked with concern.
They were losing healthy skin color and they sweated profusely.
"W-what's going on?," asked Chopper.
"I figured as much.," said Mancha as he returned to his initial outfit and turned to look at Luffy.
"You know what's happening?" asked Brook.
"You came here by accident, so you likely wouldn't know...but this place...contains particles that make it unstable for non-Daemon individuals.," said the man.
"Wait, there's no place like that on the Grand Line. And what are Daemons.," Robin noted.
Chopper then saw a weird sphere that was vague in the sky but enough to make him shocked.
"That sphere...it's got islands...I think that's Arabasta...and Water Seven...w-what's going on?," asked Chopper.
"The last guys here had the same reaction when they noticed.," said All-Star, resuming his usual look.
"What last guys?," asked Yamato.
"I think called himself Golden Deed Rogue or something.," said the weasel now wearing a light pink double-breasted zoot suit coat with a matching fedora and a white dress shirt.
Luffy widened his eyes as he realized-
"Gol D. Roger? He was here? What even is here?!," he asked.
Mancha took a deep breath as he replied-
"This is gonna sound nuts...but...you're not on your World- the planet Terra, which you call the Grand Line. You're...literally inside the sun. Welcome to the Weird Line section of the OLD WORLD. It's a long story and you're not ready to hear it in its entirety."
"Eh?!," shouted Luffy, Chopper, Brook, and Yamato.
"How can you be in the sun?! It's super hot!," Luffy shouted.
"What is important right now...if they don't take Daemon Fruits...what you call Devil Fruits...they're gonna die.," said the afro man.
"What?!," shouted Luffy.
"Does that mean you're Devil Fruit users?," asked Usopp.
"It's not exactly the same but we did eat Daemon Fruits that had a specific price but we've found a way around it. And don't call it Devil- it's a derogatory name.," said the ice-cream-headed man now dressed in a yellow hoodie with the jolly roger of the ship on the left side of his hoodie, denim pants, and brown shoes.
He then opened a barrel and said-
"We managed to get some from our raid of the remnants of SEAL but we didn't really have a need for them till now."
Zoro got to his feet as he said-
"I'd rather die than eat one-"
Suddenly, the blue humanoid now dressed in purple robes with a purple necklace of prayer beads and hit the swordsman in the gut knocking him out in spite of his Haki with the back of his sword. There was a subtle blue swirl pattern on the katana pommel leading down from the arm. It was similar yet different from Haki as energies from the ground in the shape of brown spheres entered the body to generate the patterns.
"You can die to preserve your integrity- but never do it over making your crew cry. There's honor and there's being selfish. Knowing which is which is what it takes to be on a Kin-.," said the being in a surprisingly serious voice compared to how jovial he seemed earlier.
The afro man shook his head as the blue humanoid quickly silenced himself.
"Wait...I can prepare something.," said Chopper.
Suddenly, black spots with purple pots sprouted on their skin.
"I've never seen this in anyone. I don't think I can fix it in time. I'm not even sure what this is.," said the reindeer.
"Does this happen often?" asked Robin as the pig-tail-haired girl nodded.
"There's not much time. Here.," said the ice cream-headed man as he tossed down eight plants- four being fruits an emerald scaled one with two jagged fins, one shaped like a storm cloud, a darkish gray one shaped like a gray storm cloud with various weather phenomena motifs, a golden one shaped like a clock, and a green one with a curled tail stem. However, there were vegetables and one tomato in the mix- a rainbow radish with butterfly wing-shaped leaves, steel-gray broccoli shaped like a hammer, and a tomato shaped like a water droplet.
Sanji then looked at Luffy looking determined and crying.
"Fro guy. This better work...," he said as he clenched his fist.
"Relax. They'll choose which user to inherit their power on their own.," said Mancha as the edible plants sprouted legs and dashed respectively into the mouths of the affected Straw Hats- the fin one into Zoro, the storm cloud into Nami, the clock into Carrot, the curled stem one into Usopp, the radish into Sanji, the broccoli into Franky, and the tomato into Jinbe. They swallowed it and the spots receded and their hue became healthier.
"Wha?!," Chopper shouted as he saw the edible plants enter their mouths.
"Can't believe a De-," said Zoro before the platypus glared at him.
"Can't believe it would be something that would save my life.," Zoro asked.
"This is so weird.," said Nami.
"Well, guess you're all patched up.," All-Star said as he proceeded to float upwards as he gradually expanded in size until he was a huge anthropomorphic sun hanging overhead.
"Now, get back to where you're originally heading. You're not ready for the Bat-," said the sun before the afro man glared at him.
"He means that this was just an eventual detour. Now open up.," he said as All-Star nodded as he opened his mouth revealing the island of their intended destination. Suddenly, a powerful suction wind occurred that sucked in the Sunny but also the crew.
"What's going on?!," shouted Usopp.
"He's gonna eat us!," Chopper.
"He was so small and now he's so big!," shouted Brook.
"What a weird fellow.," Yamato noted.
"That's not something to be happy about.," said Carrot.
"Get on the ship!" Jinbe shouted.
"What powers did we get?," asked Sanji.
"Find out for yourself damn cook!," shouted Zoro.
"Hmm, this was an interesting side quest.," noted Robin.
"Why is Vira in his mouth?" asked Franky.
"This is getting friggin' weird!," Nami shouted.
"Wait! What's your name Fro Guy?," asked Luffy.
"Find out when you find the Three Sections of the Final Road Poneglyph. You'll be needing it when you come back here to get to Lodestar- and to reach the island where your One Piece is. Then I'll tell you!," said the man with a smirk as the crew vanished into All-Star's mouth.
He closed it and returned to his diminutive size.
"Hey, you coulda said everything.," said the yellow creature.
"He's about 70% there but not he's not at the top yet. I wanna face them again once he gets his prize...it'll be a fun Battle Royale with all 20 this time around...and the OLD WORLD might finally be back on Terra. I got a feeling he can do that with One Piece.," said the afro man as several ships with the stylized seal sigil approached the island. His glasses glowed as he punched his gloves together.
"Let's show them what the best pirate crew on the Absurd Line can do.," said the man to his crew.
"But Minnie's gone.," said the pink elephant in a royal PR accent.
"Oh, I guess she ended up with those guys. Oh well, she was meant to be with them I guess.," said the afro man.
He then went onto the ship alongside All-Star and charged at the enemy with their ship.
Vira
The Straw Hats on their ship exited a mouth in the sky as the other pirate crews looked in shocked awe and baffled confusion as they landed ahead of the ships.
"Huh? We're back. So he didn't eat us.," said Luffy.
"We had cabin fever. That's what it was.," said Nami.
"Yeah, no way that could be real.," said Usopp.
"Like we were inside the sun.," said Chopper.
All three nervously laughed before noticing the witch from before face fault on the floor as she got up and patted her long dress.
"Oh she was from that dream.," said Nami as she glanced at her before looking ahead...before doing a double-take as she, Usopp, and Chopper eye-popped at the sight.
"Nononononononononono. That was real? Then what's going on?," asked Nami.
"Then we did eat those Fruits...meaning we can't swim.," said Usopp.
"Well, I wasn't built for swimming anyway. I'll just have to make the-," said Franky as he and Sanji fainted.
"Wha?," asked Usopp.
Suddenly, the sky spat out two sets of metallic boots with the tag- You ate the Daemon Vegetables- you can't touch land nor ship again unless you wear these shoes. Also, unless you're in the water or on water, never remove them.
The crews behind them continued to be shocked at the sight.
"Guess that explains their shoes...And it was real...I'm too freaked out to argue this...just put them on.," said Usopp.
Chopper looked at the tag and cautiously removed the shoes of his crewmates and placed them onto Franky and Sanji respectively as they recovered.
"Why are you ok?," asked Sanji.
"Technically Tomatoes aren't vegetables or fruits- a hybrid of the two. Maybe I alone can swim.," said the Fishman.
"Hey Damn Cook...guess you're really seabound.," mocked Zoro.
"Damn Mosh-head!," Sanji snarled.
"Hey, who are ya?," asked Luffy focusing more on the stranger than anything else.
She then looked at Luffy hesitantly and answered-
"Minerva."
"We're approaching Vira. It should be alright. Dragon and company overthrew-," said the woman before seeing a flag with a demonic skull over a treasure chest in the distance.
She widened her eyes in shock.
"That's not possible...unless...but that's impossible...," said the woman.
Luffy then turned away from Minerva and put on his Straw Hat with a resolute look.
"Guess everywhere we go. There's some bastard causing crap.," he said with a low tone.
He then turned to his crew as he said-
"Guys! Let's kick their asses!," shouted Luffy as they arrived at the port.
Next Chapter: The Witch
Author Notes: This chapter introduces the man who saves Luffy and co.- a man inspired by Bobobobo being slightly saner and living in a world that bows to cartoonish logic.
I added this element of them being ill because at least from my sense of logic, the Devil Fruits have hidden benefits at the cost of swimming. And there might be more than meets the eye.
And while this portion of the story seems pointless, it's gonna be much bigger retroactively.