A/N: I have a theory about Elliot's unnamed siblings. See what you think.
Elliot Stabler wasn't usually in the business of sitting around and feeling sorry for himself.
It wasn't that he didn't have plenty of things in his life he could sit around and pity himself for. He'd made a lot of idiot decisions in his life, but self-pity had never been his mentality. Taking action, and doing something to right his wrongs had always been the preferred choice. Because it's always been his own actions that brought up the less than ideal (and sometimes downright tragic) circumstances.
But this one was out of his control.
And here he sat, a widower in an empty nest. His youngest begged to move out, go to some private prep school in California, known for its soccer program. Eli wanted to play professionally someday and he was good, maybe even good enough to make that dream a reality. So Elliot wasn't going to stand in his way, not the way his own father had done with so many of his own dreams.
But coming home to an empty house now every night, it hurts. And Elliot didn't know what to do with himself. Most nights he'd sit on the couch in the living room, TV off, dim light filtering in from the kitchen. He'd nurse two bottles of beer along with some leftover takeout and then trudge to bed.
It was a sad existence, especially when he'd never been on his own, not really, in his entire life.
He was just about to go for his second beer of the night when there was a knock on the back patio door. He recognized the knock without seeing her face but turned anyway to catch a glimpse.
It was Olivia. Of course it was. It was (and had always been) Olivia.
Things were slowly becoming more normal between them again. Elliot had sworn off undercovers indefinitely (because when your face is all over the news, you can't really infiltrate the mob. That was up to Moldanado now), and Olivia had let him meet Noah, properly, a few times since Mother's Day (and he was a great kid, not that there's ever been any doubt, given who his mother is).
They weren't dating exactly, but the friendship and the ease were back, which made her evening visit less than surprising.
"Howdy," she said when he opened the door.
"Which one of them called you?" he asked, leaning against the doorframe.
"Which answer is going to get you to let me in?" she asked.
"I'm letting you in no matter what," he said. "I just want to know who ratted me out."
"Bernie's worried about you, Elliot," she said.
He sighed deeply, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"She said you didn't take the news very well," Olivia said, brushing past him, taking off her jacket and laying it over the bar stools.
"She tell you what the news was?" he said, shutting the patio door and grabbing two beers from the fridge before joining her on the couch.
"She did," Olivia said. "There is a link between bipolar disorder and dementia, El. She's apparently known that for a while."
Elliot just huffed in response.
"I'm sure you don't want to talk about it," Olivia said, gently reaching across the middle cushion to put a hand on his knee. "But she's just worried about what her moving in with Kathleen, and what this diagnosis is going to do to you."
"You all think I'm pretty fragile, huh?" he said, the anger blossoming in his voice. "Can't take a little bad news."
"You're angry," Olivia said. "But you know that's not what we think. You've taken a lot of hits in the past two years. When there's not enough good to outweigh the bad things get heavy. They feel too big to tackle."
"I'm not going to walk in front of a train like Donnelly if that's what you're thinking," he said.
"That wasn't what I was thinking," she said. "But good to know."
"Why'd you come, Liv?" he asked.
It wasn't that he wasn't grateful for her presence. He treasured each second they had together even more now after their 10-year break. But she didn't show up in situations like these without an endgame.
"I want you to remember that you don't have to do all of this alone," Olivia said. "It's not all your responsibility."
"But it is," he said. "She's my mother. And I wasted so much time not speaking to her. She calls it erasing my childhood. Then we moved to Europe and that was just more years and more time wasted. And we were finally making progress. We enjoyed spending time together."
"That doesn't have to stop," Olivia said.
"She moved out," Elliot muttered.
"She moved in with Kathleen because she understands some of what Bernie is going through," Olivia said. "Katie is her safe person, the one who gets her back on solid ground."
"It shouldn't be Katie's job to take care of her grandmother," Elliot said.
"I don't think she minds," Olivia said. "Didn't you always tell me that's what family does? Helps each other out in their times of need?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "It is."
"And Kathleen taking in her Grandmother," Olivia said. "The other four grown kids are willing to take shifts and drive her to appointments, isn't that a testament to the family you built?"
"I guess," he said.
"You know, El," Olivia started. "Maybe you wouldn't feel so alone if you called your siblings. Asked them for some help looking out for Bernie."
Elliot scoffed.
"They wouldn't bother," he said.
"I know my sibling situation wasn't exactly conventional," Olivia said. "But you're telling me out of, what was it, the three brothers and two sisters you've mentioned over the years that none of them will come help?"
Elliot let out a sigh. He really hated talking about his childhood, and his family. He'd always tried to skirt around it with Olivia during their partnership. She said it herself she thought Bernie was dead until Kathleen had her problems. He'd only ever mentioned his siblings in passing when it was relevant to a conversation. She never pried and he never offered anything else up.
He looked up from his hands, into her face. She had a small smile there, just from looking at him. Her hand was still on his knee. He slid his hand over hers and interlaced their fingers. It was their new thing, holding hands in tough situations. Holding hands when something was going on with his family.
"I'm her only kid, Liv," Elliot said.
"You made up five siblings over the years for fun?" she asked, scrunching up her nose.
"No, I have five siblings out there somewhere," he said. "Bunch of Stablers walking the earth and causing trouble I guess. But they don't belong to Momma."
Olivia tilted her head to the side. She looked like she wanted to ask questions but she was giving him the space to take this at his own pace.
"I don't think it's a secret to you that my Dad was a bastard about 98% of the time," he started, and she nodded. "He was 15 years older than my Mom. They met when she was 25 and he was 40. They met on a call. She was convinced someone broke into her apartment and stole stuff, but it turned out she was just in a manic state and misplaced things. The way she tells it, she enchanted Dad and he kept coming around to visit her after his shifts. But he was already married to another woman. They had four kids already, my sisters Maggie and Christine, and my brothers Tommy and Mikey. And they had another one on the way, Joe Jr."
"Oh," Olivia said, and Elliot gulped himself because he knew what was coming, and he knew how it sounded.
"After two years, he left his first wife for my Mom," Elliot said. "And then a year later they had me."
"I see," she said, biting her lip.
Elliot wished he knew what she was thinking. Was it the same thing he was? How eerily similar his parents' situation was to his own? To Donnelly's? Five kids with a first wife, another woman, a sixth child, and a son, with bright blue eyes.
"I remember Bernie telling me once that your Dad liked to chase nurses," she said. "I guess I just never thought too hard about it."
"Needless to say, my siblings aren't too fond of my Mom," Elliot said. "And it's not entirely their fault. I mean with her bipolar disorder, she's hard to love sometimes. And for a bunch of kids whose father all but abandoned them for this woman, I don't know that I really ever expected them to forgive her, much less get close to her."
"So that's why you don't talk about your siblings much?" Olivia asked.
"I really don't know them that well," he said. "I'm closest to Joe, just because we're closest in age. But he lives out in Michigan somewhere and we don't talk much anymore. Tommy's 15 years older than me, and Christine is 13. Maggie and Mikey are twins if you can believe it, and 10 years older than me."
"Twins do tend to run in families," she said. "Or so I've heard."
Elliot nodded.
"So that's why all the stories you tell, all the pictures I've seen, the way Bernie talks sometimes, that's why it sounds like you're an only child?" she asked.
"Because I essentially was," he said. "My brothers and sisters didn't live with us, and their mother had full custody. My Dad barely saw them. I think Mamma sent them cards from all three of us on their birthdays, but they weren't around for vacations or holidays or anything."
Olivia took a deep breath.
"Is this another reason you've been struggling with the Brotherhood case?" she asked. "It's more than just wrestling with what kind of cop your father was, isn't it?"
"You gotta admit, Liv," he said. "It's all a little too coincidental. Being married, meeting someone else he just couldn't stay away from. A sixth child, a son…"
Olivia's eyes widened.
"I never wanted to make his mistakes," Elliot said. "I never wanted Kathy or my kids to feel like I was choosing someone or something else over them. I made vows and promises. And they meant something to me, even though they meant nothing to him."
"That's why you took the divorce so hard," Olivia said. "When Kathy left you. Did she know about what your father did?"
"She did," he said. "And yeah, that's why I took it so hard. I didn't want to let my family down. I didn't want to be him. Still don't."
Olivia slid closer to him on the couch and pulled their still-clasped hands to her chest.
"Elliot, I know I never met your father," Olivia said. "But I don't have to know him to know you're not like him. Just from the little you've told me, and Bernie has told me a bit more, which I'm sure you won't be thrilled about. You are not him, you've never been him, and you will never be him. You are your own man, and you are a good man."
"I got my wife blown up," he said. "I wouldn't admit that Katie had emotional problems to get her the help she needs. I let Eli run across the damn country to get away from me."
"How often does Eli check in with you since he's been gone?" Olivia asked.
"About three times a day," he said.
"When you finally moved away from home, did you call your father every day?" Olivia asked.
"No," he said. "Sometimes I'd go for months at a time without speaking to him or seeing him."
"And when you lived in Europe, how often did you talk to the kids in the states?" she asked.
"At least one of them every day," he said. "Definitely all of them once a week."
"Do those sound like kids who hate their Dad?" she asked. "Kids who don't want to be around him or grow up to be like him?"
"No," Elliot said.
"Did you ever leave Kathy?" Olivia asked. "Were you ever the one to walk out on her, leave her hanging, leave your kids?"
"No," he said again.
"Did you cheat on her with another woman?" Olivia asked.
Elliot gulped.
"El?" Olivia said. "Should I not have… I'm sorry. That's prying, right? That's literally just as bad as you asking me about my dating history."
"Liv stop," he said, squeezing her hand. "No, I didn't physically cheat on Kathy. Not even while we were separated."
"What do you mean physically?" Olivia asked. "How else could you cheat?"
"Emotionally," he said. "You could have an emotional affair with someone."
"Well, did you ever do that?" she asked.
Elliot sighed.
"I don't know, honestly," he said. "And that's something that always bothered me. There were just things I could never tell Kathy about. The job. The way I'd fantasize about killing perps. How I was worried I'd become too much like my father. It wasn't easy to talk to her about any of it. But I did always have someone that would listen, give me advice, have my back…"
They sat in silence for a few minutes. He was waiting to see what she'd say. If she'd say anything at all. But she just sat there. Elliot knew she realized what he meant.
"I never meant to pull you away from your wife," she whispered. "I never wanted to be the other woman."
"You weren't," he said. "You were not the other woman. You sent me home. Hell, you put yourself in the middle of a dangerous animal smuggling controversy to get me to call my wife. But I just always wondered what it meant that it seemed like you cared more about saving my marriage than I did."
"You are a good man, Elliot," Olivia said. "You never would have crossed that line."
"I'm not so sure about that," he said. "I don't think you ever would have let me cross that line. But I almost did, after Jenna."
He saw her reserve falter at the name.
"The night before I put my papers in, I drove to your apartment," he said. "I sat outside for hours. Even made it up to your door but I couldn't knock. Because I knew if I saw your face…"
"You wouldn't have been able to leave," she said. "You've said that already. But if you wanted to leave the force that bad, I wouldn't have stopped you. El, you were my best friend. How could you think I would have wanted anything less than what was best for you?"
"It wasn't that I wouldn't have been able to leave the job, Liv," he said. "I wouldn't have been able to leave you. Your apartment. Your side. I wouldn't have been able to keep my hands or my mouth to myself. I was hurting and I wanted to feel better, and you were the only thing that was going to make me feel better. But if I gave in, and you saw how much I needed you to give in with me, you would have done it. And we would have crossed that line. I had to go, Liv. I would have destroyed us."
What she said next was barely a whisper, but he heard it.
"You destroyed me anyway," she said.
"Olivia," he said, the words soft. "You have to know that I never meant to do that. I was trying to save us. Save myself from turning into my father. Save you from turning into my mother. I thought after a few months I'd be able to answer your calls. I thought I'd be able to come back over with a six-pack and talk shit out. Chalk it up to needing some time to heal and find myself, like you did when you went to Computer Crimes and Oregon."
She scoffed at the comparison.
"But then months turned into a year," he said. "And you stopped calling. And I lost my nerve. Then I started working overseas with private security, and more time passed and… I still think it might have been the right call, Liv."
"You think leaving me alone for ten years to alleviate your own guilt was the right call?" she asked. "Elliot I didn't have anybody else. I went through the worst times of my life and you weren't here."
She tried to pull her hand away from his but he grabbed on tighter. He knew, now, about William Lewis, and the trauma she endured in his absence. But he also knew the ways she grew and became more sure of herself, more of a badass. A mother and a Captain, two things she was always meant to be.
"It was the right call because the second I saw your face that night, standing in the street, among the ambulances and the smoke, I knew I wasn't leaving New York," he said. "Even if Kathy healed, even if things didn't turn out the way they did. Seeing you again was like coming home. And I was finally ready to be home."
"This is a lot to take," she said. "And I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to be the guilty party in this situation. Like it's my fault my compassion or my friendship were just too tempting for you."
"That might be what you're hearing, but that's not what I'm saying," Elliot said. "What I'm saying is, all my life I've been so afraid of becoming my father, that I ruined a lot of good things. Kathy and I loved each other, but I don't think we would have stayed together if not for Maureen. We shouldn't have hooked up the night we made Eli either. I thought my duty was to fix all my father's mistakes. But in the end, I just ended up making my own."
"How so?" Olivia asked.
"Kathy wanted to go find herself when we separated," he said. "And by not just signing the divorce papers and giving her what she wanted, I held her back. Sure, we had a good life in Rome, but I still often think if we hadn't done all that, she might still be alive."
"You can't torture yourself that way," she said.
"If I'd let her go, the way she wanted, maybe I wouldn't have had to leave you all alone," he said. "Maybe we could have been a family. Maybe Noah could have been mine. There are so many what ifs that I have now because I was so concerned with being the husband, father, and protector my Dad never was."
"Living with regret is a hard thing," Olivia said. "So is living in someone else's shadow."
"You know about that, don't you?" Elliot said. "You were always worried about your genes."
"And a very wise man once told me that it's not all about genes," she said. "We're all our own people, El. With our own faults, mistakes, and sins. But if your fears are that your children are afraid of you, that you didn't love your wife enough, or that you're out of time to repair your relationship with your mother, none of that is true."
"Am I out of time to repair my relationship with you?" he asked.
Slowly, she lifted her other hand to his cheek.
"Would I be here right now if you were?" she asked.
"I don't think so," he said.
"That's right," she said. "How long have you been holding all this in? Isn't that why you're paying your therapist the big bucks?"
"There are some things only my partner can drag out of me, I guess," he said.
"Mmmm," she hummed. "I know that feeling."
"Where's Noah tonight?" Elliot asked. "You need to get back to him?"
"He's having his last sleepover at Rollins' with the girls before they move out to Staten Island," she said.
"How do you feel about losing another detective?" he asked.
"Never gets easier," she said. "Least I didn't have to hear about this one from Cragen."
"Way to kick a man when he's down," Elliot said.
"Just keeping you honest," she said. "But I gotta say, I have the day off tomorrow, and I'm not particularly looking forward to going back to an empty apartment. And I can't say I feel that great about leaving you here with an empty one either."
She looked up at him with big, innocent eyes, but he caught her drift.
"Hey, my friend Olivia," he asked. "Wanna have a sleepover?"
"What kind of sleepover?" she asked. "Can I paint your nails and do your… well I guess doing your hair is out."
"Is it take shots at Elliot night?" he asked.
"You walk right into these things and make it so easy," she said.
"Well for your information, Stabler sleepovers, from what I remember from when the girls were young, consist of popcorn, movies that nobody really watches, a few board games, and talking until the wee hours of the morning until you crash wherever you fall."
"That so?" she asked. "Alright."
Olivia slowly stood from the couch, brushing some invisible lint off her leggings, and stretching so her oversized t-shirt slid off her shoulder. Then she started making her way towards his bedroom.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"There a TV in here?" she asked, pointing.
"Yeah," he said.
"Good, you can make the popcorn, I'll pick a movie," she said.
"In my bed?" he asked, again, dumbfounded by the thought of Olivia tangled in his sheets.
"You said we were going to crash where we fell," she said. "I don't know about you, but I'd much rather crash on a king-sized bed than the couch."
Elliot didn't trust his voice at the moment, so he simply nodded.
"And hey, did your Dad ever make popcorn for a girl and let her eat it in his bed?" she asked.
"Not that I know of," he said.
"Told you that you were nothing like him," she said. "Extra butter and mesquite seasoning. Trust me. You'll love it. I'll just be in here waiting."
And with that, Olivia slipped around the doorframe, and he heard her humming to herself as she scrolled through his Netflix queue.
Elliot let out a long breath, one he felt like he'd been holding for days since his mother's diagnosis. Olivia was right. They still had time to repair their relationship. He still loved his kids and they loved him back. They weren't like his brothers and sisters growing up, and he wasn't like his father in all the ways that mattered.
And as long as Olivia was around to remind him, he'd vowed to try to focus on the good ahead, rather than the mistakes he'd put behind him.