Modern Women's Guide
Disclaimers: The X-Files, Remington Steele, Highlander, Forever Knight, Star Trek, Moonlighting & Lois & Clark characters do not belong to me. And though I could not do as much damage to them as their rightful owners often did, no harm is intended by this piece of fiction -- so don't sue me unless you want to end up with my student loan debts.
Daily Planet, Metropolis
"Lois, for a reporter you sure don't type very fast," Nat said as she dropped a file on the corner of the desk."I'm out of practice, I usually let Clark type." Lois nodded. "He is so much faster."
Maddie Hayes slid up on Clark's desk. "It was very generous of Perry to let us use the Planet tonight."
"I am so glad this year's convention is in Metropolis," Scully said as she twirled a pencil between her fingers. "I really don't think I could deal with Los Angeles."
"Pfft! Try living there!" Maddie groaned.
"No kidding!" Laura Holt added. "By the way, where is everybody tonight, anyway?" she asked as she reclined in Clark's chair.
Scully answered, "I think all the guys got together for an evening on the town."
The rest of the women stopped and stared at her. "Ohmigod," Tessa muttered.
"Oh really, Tessa," Dana gaped. "You're not actually worried about Duncan?"
"Well, not normally, no." Tessa shook her head. "But, you know how men get when they get together."
"Pack mentality." Maddie nodded.
Natalie chuckled, "And David Addison and Fox Mulder are not always the most sobering of influences."
"Remington been known to have his moments, too," Laura added with a grimace.
"Even Clark could get a little crazy under the right circumstances," Lois muttered absently as she pounded away on the keyboard.
"No, no, no, no, no, no." Natalie's eyes widened, "Duncan, Clark and Nick are all too 'good' for their own damn good. They'll keep everyone out of trouble."
Maddie looked at her. "Nat, you've got to be kidding!" She slid off the desk. "Nick's 800 years worth of angst, Duncan's 400 years of chivalry and Clark's extra terrestrial Kansas-farm-boy good guy routine are nothing when compared to the corrupting powers of David Party Animal Addison!"
"Don't forget about Mulder," Scully sang out, almost amused.
Lois interrupted, "Gimme another word for 'responsibility'."
"Duty."
"Obligation."
"Commitment."
"Charge."
"Charge works." Lois continued staring at the screen. "Maddie, I wouldn't worry about the guys. Nat's right, Nick, Duncan and Clark are the ultimate in lovable TV good guys, they'll keep the rest of them in line."
Scully chuckled, "While the rest of them get completely bombed and spend half the night howling at the moon in their underwear."
"Before getting arrested, of course," Tessa added.
Natalie collapsed into uncontrollable laughter. "I'd love to meet the cop who could arrest that group!"
"Finished!" Lois slammed the print button and jumped up from her seat.
Everyone followed her to the printers on the far side of the room. They all crowded around the printer and watched as the checklist printed:
The Modern Woman's Guide For TV's Leading Lady
- expert in self-defense
- educated
- self-reliance
- stubbornness
"Looks good, ladies," Tessa said as the first page finished printing up.
"It'll go great with the our Leading Lady panels planned for tomorrow," Maddie said as she pulled the sheet from the printer to examine it more closely.
The phone rang.
"Can someone get that please?" Lois asked.
"Daily Planet." Natalie answered, "Oh geez, are you kidding me?!" Everyone stopped and stared.
"Nat," Lois asked, "What's wrong?"
Natalie waved her hand at Lois. "Where?" She spoke into the phone again, "Alright, we're on our way." She hung up the phone and looked at her companions. "Lois, grab Jimmy's camera. You guys are never gonna believe this...."
USS Enterprise
"Welcome aboard the Enterprise, ladies." Captain Picard greeted them personally in the transporter room."Thank you for contacting us so promptly, Captain," Scully said as the women stepped down the stairs.
"Captain," Laura started, "what happened, exactly?"
"Well, it seems as though the gentlemen were engaging in some sort of a game," Jean-Luc said as he led them through the ship.
"Oh no." Tessa's stomach churned.
"Dare I ask, what kind of game?" Natalie asked as they rounded the corner.
"I'm not really sure, but it doesn't appear to be anything you ladies won't be able to handle." The Captain stopped outside the door of holodeck three. "If you'll excuse me, ladies, I have a speaking engagement at the convention shortly and I must return to the surface. The gentlemen are inside waiting." Captain Picard nodded politely and disappeared down the corridor.
"Great," Maddie grumbled, "now what?"
Laura answered, "Well, I guess we go in." Turning toward the door, she commanded, "Open."
As the doors slid open the women were awed to see an old fashioned theatre. A huge stage with red velvet curtains and plush seats greeted them as they crossed the threshold. They anxiously walked down the long aisle toward the stage. On each side of the stage stood guards in Starfleet uniforms. Leutenant Worf patiently waited for them at the front of the stage.
"Good evening, ladies," Worf greeted formally. "You are here to retrieve your," he grimaced, "friends?"
"Uh, yes," Natalie answered, "we are. The Captain said they were in here."
Worf nodded at one of the guards, who quickly opened the curtain.
"Oh my God!" Tessa gasped.
"Geez!" Maddie's eyes popped open.
"Holy shit!" Scully doubled over in laughter.
"Son of a bitch!" Nat howled.
"I'll be damned!" Laura giggled.
Lois just stood in front of the stage staring.
"Computer: stairs." Worf ordered, and a set of stairs leading up to the stage appeared before them.
The women climbed the stairs and carefully approached the giant cage sitting center stage. "Lois!" Maddie whispered, "Camera!"
"Oh." Lois snapped out of her daze. "Right." She began clicking away, circling the cage in order to get good shots of all of the unconscious, and hysterically clad, bodies lying on the floor.
"Was the cage really necessary, Lieutenant?" Dana asked, trying to keep a straight face.
"At the time, ma'am, yes, it was," Worf answered curtly.
Natalie struggled to compose herself. "What exactly happened?"
"Apparently the gentlemen met up with some officers from the Enterprise at one of the convention parties and were invited back here. They seem to have returned with several bottles of real alcohol, and imbibed a bit too much of it," Worf said, obviously disgusted.
"I knew it!" Maddie gasped between breathes, "They got tanked!"
Natalie's face straightened. "Um, but they don't all 'drink'."
"Well, the vampire had something he referred to as "Special Stock," and that seemed to have the same affect on him."
Tessa turned to Lois. "I thought alcohol didn't affect Clark?"
Lois grinned from behind the still shooting camera. "Yeah, well that's one of those things the show sort of exaggerates."
"After finishing the alcohol they brought with them, they found a couple of contraband bottles of Romulan Ale. I believe that is when they began "The Game."
Scully wiped the tears from her eyes as she stared at the clothes on the men passed out in the cage. "Rocky Horror Picture Show?!!?"
"'Horror' indeed," Worf muttered before continuing. "Ladies, if you will tell me where you would like them, I can transport them directly home, and avoid any further humiliation," Worf offered through a sneer.
"And miss this opportunity?" Maddie choked, "Not on your life!"
"Well," Worf responded, "let me contact Doctor Crusher so she can wake them."
"No need." Laura stepped out of her shoe and walked to the cage. "Rise and shine!" she yelled as she clanked her shoe loudly against the bars.
Natalie, Lois and Maddie all joined in, making a terrible racket.
Clark was the first to awaken, "Lois?" he groaned trying to steady himself enough to stand. "Sweetheart, please? Can you be a little quieter?" He motioned pathetically to his throbbing head.
"Hey, hon" she giggled examining his clothes and ignoring his request. "Magenta, huh Clark?" Lois started laughing again as Clark looked down and realized he was still wearing a tacky, low-cut dress.
"Nick! Wake up!" Natalie called out.
The blond head moved, as Nick struggled to sit up.
"Rocky, huh?" Natalie smiled flirtatiously. "Well, I always did like you in gold, Nicholas." Nick tried to ignore her as he crawled toward the bars to help pull himself up.
"David!" Maddie chuckled, "Yo! Riff Raff! Time to get up sunshine!"
"Not now, Maddie!" David groaned from under the exaggerated hunchbacked costume and rolled over.
"Oh my goodness," Tessa moaned. "Duncan, wake up!"
Duncan moved and for the first time the women could see what he was wearing. They collapsed into another round of helpless laughter that woke the remaining prisoners.
"Oh Duncan!" Tessa cackled, "Dr. Frank-n-Furter? I certainly hope those are not my fishnets and garter!"
Remington swam to his feet and leaned against the bars of the cage right in front of his wife, who howled in hysterical laughter.
"Oh...God!" Laura could hardly speak. "Columbia?" She gasped, "Columbia!" She had to hold onto the bars to keep from falling over. But when she noticed his red Dorothy slippers, she lost her balance and fell to the floor. She didn't even bothering to try and stand again.
Mulder didn't move from his seat on the floor in the middle of the cage. He sat spread-eagled in a stuffed white sweater, white pumps and plaid flannel boxer shorts. "And who are you supped to be, Mulder?" Scully asked approaching the cage. "Janet?"
Mulder's bloodshot eyes scanned his partner quickly before he closed them and slumped backwards.
Natalie glanced at Dana. "Does this qualify as an 'X-File'?"
Scully smiled broadly. "It comes close." Then turning toward Worf she said, "All right Lieutenant, I think you can open the door now."
"Computer," Worf commanded, "open door."
The door swung open and each of the men staggered out, reaching for his respective Leading Lady.
"I love you, Laura," Remington said as he draped his arm around her shoulder. She lead him off the stage.
"I love you, Lois," Clark slurred as he leaned against Lois and let her lead him down the stairs.
"I love you, Maddie." David's breath nearly made Maddie sick as she guided him toward the door.
"I love you, Tessa." At Duncan's dopey smile, Tessa almost started laughing again.
"I love you, Natalie," Nick echoed as he leaned against her and followed her out the door.
Mulder reached for Scully, who let him lean on her for support, "I--"
She interrupted him, and sternly said, "Mulder, if you say you love me, you're going back in the cage."
His mouth snapped shut and his smug grin disappeared.
The men tried to ignore the giggles and stares from the crew as they made their way to the transporter room. After entering and climbing the stairs to the transporter pads, Worf asked: "Ladies, where would you like to be transported to?"
The women looked at each other as each of the men, who were beginning to sober up, tried to regain their composure.
"Our hotel rooms," Nick said with as much dignity as anyone could muster while wearing gold briefs.
"No," Natalie answered, "I think, maybe, the reception dinner in the hotel ballroom."
"Perfect," Scully answered.
Worf looked at the women in amazement. "And they say Klingons are merciless," He mumbled to himself.
"No way!" David tried to stand on his own, but nearly fell before Maddie caught him.
"Hey Lois," Natalie called, looking around Nick's hunched shoulder.
"I just want my own bed," Clark whined.
"Yeah?" Lois grunted to Natalie from under Clark's weight.
"I remembered something else that needs to go on the 'Leading Lady's Checklist.'"
"Hotel room," Duncan insisted, barely coherent.
"Quiet, Mac," Tessa ordered.
"What's that?" Lois asked Nat.
"Bail money." She smiled trying to keep Nick upright.
The increasingly loud howls of protest from the quickly sobering men were lost as the transporter was activated. The twelve bodies were quickly transported into an elegant room full of dignified, well-dressed professionals...
The End