Bill's Reaction – Chapter 13
After serving breakfast to her father and Little Jack, Elizabeth kissed them both goodbye and started out on her day, after assuring her father there were egg salad sandwiches in the ice box for their lunch.
Her intent had been to go straight to the Canfield's home, a few doors down from her own home, but instead she walked to the livery.
Elizabeth knew any delay in seeking the pastor's guidance was not in her best interest, but she still took Sergeant on a ride out to Jack's land. Somehow, she always felt she could breathe better up here; it was a peaceful place for her to go to figure out what she needed to do and how to go about doing it.
She had brought her journal with her intending to put her thoughts on paper. If she was able to gather her thoughts, perhaps she would write a letter. She would have to wait and see how the day progressed.
As she suspected, everything was still damp with the morning dew, so she covered the rock with the blanket she kept packed in Sergeant's saddle bags, being careful not to cover up the section of rock where her's and Jack's initials were etched in the stone.
After she sat down, out of nowhere she heard a voice call out to her. When she saw who it was, it became apparent to her that God was not going to allow her to procrastinate any longer!
By way of reply, she answered, "Good Morning, Pastor Joseph! What brings you out this way?"
Joseph tied his horse up next to Sergeant and replied, "It's the funniest thing. I felt moved to take a ride this morning. No idea why, but I have learned to obey when and where God leads me." He continued with an appreciative look around at the trees and the amazing view, "This is a beautiful spot. I've been up here a few times before. I wish I knew who owned the land, so I didn't feel like I was a trespasser."
Elizabeth smiled sadly and looked at Joseph, "Don't worry, Pastor, you don't have anything to worry about. My late husband bought this land to build our future home on. As you can see, that never happened."
She gestured to the rock she was sitting on and said, "This is where I come when I have a lot on my mind. Please have a seat."
Pastor Joseph walked over to the rock and replied, "You have a beautiful parcel of land, Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing it with me today."
"Pastor, it is I who should be thanking you. I have a suspicion I am the reason God led you to this particular parcel of land, today." Elizabeth took a deep breath and slowly released it.
"You see, I have been trying to work up enough courage to come and see you about a personal matter. I had fully intended to seek you out this morning when, at the last minute, I decided to ride up here instead. I believe you are here, because God is not willing for me to procrastinate any longer."
Pastor Joseph looked at Elizabeth and with a smile said, "God has a way of encouraging people to do what He wants. Now, how may I help you?"
Elizabeth took another deep breath and proceeded to tell her story. She started with how she suddenly lost her husband in a Mountie training accident shortly after their marriage and finished her story with Nathan telling her twice, he was in love with her.
Elizabeth turned to Pastor Joseph with tears in her eyes and said, "A few weeks ago, I said some very hurtful things to Nathan and, as if that weren't bad enough, I decided to court Lucas. I am so grateful that the relationship with Lucas has ended now, because it could have brought great harm to my son and I, but my life is still a mess."
"At the time when I was saying those horrible words to Nathan, I knew it was not the truth, but it was the best I could think of, at the time. I knew when I was speaking, my words were 100% wrong, yet I continued on. I deeply regret hurting both Nathan and Allie."
Pastor Joseph interjected, "I see. So, if you knew what you told Nathan was not the truth, do you know why you didn't feel you could be honest with him? Do you want to share with me what the truth is?"
She got up and walked several paces away from the rock for a private moment. She felt strange admitting this to anyone other than Nathan, and especially so close to the physical reminder of her and Jack's love.
She turned around to face Joseph again and confessed, "Pastor, in truth, I am in love with Nathan. I can see myself being married and raising a family with him."
With this revelation, the clouds drifted away and the sun seemed to shine even brighter, giving her the strength to continue her story to the pastor.
"I allowed fear of his profession to allow me lie to him. My prideful nature compounded this fear and prevented me from telling him the truth - I was afraid to become involved with another Mountie. Instead, I told him a partial truth. I admitted to loving him, but only as a friend. I am afraid I let my sinful nature ruin any chance we had for a happy life together."
Elizabeth had tears in her eyes when she addressed Pastor Joseph, "Last Sunday's sermon felt like you were speaking directly to me. I have come to realize that my behaviour has been totally unacceptable and unforgivable yet, I have spent the last couple of days asking my friends to do exactly that – forgive me. My offenses against Nathan were the worst of all; I'm feeling like he couldn't possibly forgive me. After what I did, how can I even think of asking for his forgiveness?"
The pastor was silent for several moments while he thoughtfully considered her words. Finally, he commented, "Elizabeth, no one is unforgivable. Jesus Christ died on the Cross for ALL. At no time did He point to individual people and say, 'but not you or you'. Do you believe this truth?"
Elizabeth answered in a small voice, "Yes, I do."
Pastor Joseph continued, "So you feel your behaviour has been judged unforgivable by human standards?"
Elizabeth only nodded by way of reply.
Pastor Joseph then referenced a quote by C.S. Lewis, "To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you."
The pastor continued, "As I understand it, you have already reached out to some of your friends, people to whom you have displayed unforgivable behaviour and they have shown you grace and extended forgiveness to you. Is that right?"
"Yes, that is correct." Came the reply.
Pastor Joseph folded his hands and rested his chin on his entwined hands. He thoughtfully continued, "Yet, you seem to be afraid to reach out to a man who has already told you he is in love with you, not once, but twice. If this man truly loves you and you love him, as you have just shared with me, why are you afraid?"
"In truth, I am afraid he will reject my apology." replied Elizabeth softly, "From your last sermon, you indicated it is not always possible to form a friendship or something more, once you have been forgiven. Sometimes, forgiveness is all that is offered."
Pastor Joseph thoughtfully spoke, "Elizabeth, I'm afraid in this fallen world, that is true. Sometimes people feel so hurt, they just can't move beyond the incident. But that's man's way. God's way is always to forgive. You may recall Psalm 103:12, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."
Pastor Joseph encouraged her to ponder the next two questions in her heart and answer them honestly.
"First of all, have you truly asked God's forgiveness? If so, then you have been forgiven.
Secondly, have you been praying for God to soften Nathan's heart to make him receptive to your sincere apology?"
He continued, "In truth, Elizabeth, I don't know how Nathan will react to your apology, simply because I'm not Nathan. That does not mean you shouldn't try, nor does it mean you shouldn't hope for the response you want. I firmly believe, if God means for you two to share a life together, you will find your way to each other. It may take some time and you need to be accepting of that. It will happen in God's time, if it is meant to happen at all.
As Joseph prepared to leave, he said a word of prayer that there might be a complete reconciliation between Nathan and Elizabeth, but only if that is God's Perfect Will for them.
Elizabeth thanked the pastor for his time and watched him depart for town. Elizabeth chose to remain on Jack's land for a while to consider the pastor's questions and to pray without ceasing.
Special thanks to MamaBethany for beta reading and providing suggestions for this story. Your help is greatly appreciated.