Bill's Reaction – Chapter 15
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Early hours of Wednesday Morning
Elizabeth tossed and turned all night long. She was restless partially from sleeping with a squirming toddler, but mainly she was anxious.
Today was the day. Elizabeth would finally reach out to Nathan and apologize for her atrocious behaviour toward both him and Allie.
She spent quite a bit of her waking hours trying to plan the conversation. She felt she knew what she was going to say, however, she realized she couldn't plan his responses.
A rehearsed conversation would not suffice. Her apology must come 100% from the heart. She continued to pray that his heart would be soft enough to accept what she was saying.
She knew he had been in love with her – he told her so, twice. Was it possible Nathan still loved her?
Elizabeth also knew she needed to go out of her way to reach out to him. An accidental meeting in town would not be right. She definitely was not going to the jail.
Since her father had moved in with her, she reasoned Nathan had probably moved back home. It was settled - she would go see Nathan at his home, before he left on morning rounds.
Breakfast at Elizabeth's
When it was finally time to rise, Elizabeth fixed a hearty oatmeal breakfast for her father and Little Jack. Her stomach had so many butterflies in it, it was a wonder she was able to finish her coffee.
William noticed Elizabeth's appearance. "What is the matter, Dear. You haven't eaten a thing and you seem anxious about something. Is there something bothering you?"
Elizabeth's eyes darted around the room, unable to focus on one spot. She replied by saying, "I do have something on my mind, Father, however I am not ready to share it yet."
Not willing to discuss it any further, she asked, "What time do we leave for Hamilton tomorrow?"
Her father noticed the quick change in topic and decided to let it go – for now. He replied with, "Our train departs at 10 am. So, in addition to clearing up whatever is bothering you, I suggest you say your goodbyes to your Hope Valley friends, as you will be gone 3-4 weeks."
Elizabeth nodded. She would let her friends know she was leaving town. She only hoped she was not about to say a permanent goodbye to Nathan.
Grant Row House
It wasn't often Nathan had a day off in the middle of the week. He had not slept well for the few nights he stayed at the jail, so now that he was back at home, he decided to take a much-needed day of rest. Other than Bill, who had agreed to cover for him, there was not a soul who knew he was home.
He even had the house to himself. Allie had stayed at Opal's for one more day. Her friend was having a birthday party and sleepover and Nathan agreed it didn't make sense for Allie to come home only to turn around and go back again. She would be home for dinner tomorrow.
He was sitting outside on his back porch enjoying a leisurely cup of coffee. It was warm enough that he had left the back door open to let the breeze waft through the house.
His mind drifted back to yesterday's conversation with Pastor Joseph. He was thankful he had let go of the burden that had been weighing him down for the last while. Although he didn't think Elizabeth would see the need to apologize to him, he needed to forgive her anyway and move on with his life.
She had changed from when he first met her. He always felt it was Lucas' influence on her, because she seemed to take on some of his less than desirable attributes, the closer they became. Nonetheless, that did not excuse her behaviour.
He shook the thought from his mind and decided he would speak with Allie about moving on from past hurts, when she came home. It was crucial they both moved on, but they needed to remain polite and neighbourly. He knew a part of him would always be there for Elizabeth and her son, just not in the special way he had hoped to be.
All of the sudden he heard a knock on the front door.
Nathan's first inclination was to ignore it; he just wanted some peace and quiet. If it was important, Bill could deal with it today.
When the knock persisted, he groaned and reluctantly answered the door.
It was Elizabeth.
He didn't even try to hide his surprise.
"Elizabeth!" She was the last person he expected to be knocking at his door. "Are you in need of Mountie assistance?" he coolly asked. Other than in a professional capacity, it had been over a month since they had spent any time alone together or enjoyed any feeling of friendship. He was wary at her sudden appearance, so he instinctively responded in a professional manner.
Elizabeth was startled that he thought she would only seek him out in an emergency. She quickly replied, "No, everything is fine that way. I am sorry for dropping by unannounced, however, I was hoping to catch you before you left on your morning rounds."
Nathan looked at her and tersely replied, "I actually took the day off today. How may I be of service?"
Elizabeth, sensing the tension, timidly asked, "May I please come in? There is something I need to say to you and all of Hope Valley doesn't need to hear it."
Nathan cautiously assessed the situation and replied, "Meet me around back. We can talk in the backyard."
Elizabeth nodded her head, left the front entrance and proceeded to walk around to Nathan's backyard. He was waiting for her, leaning against the woodpile with his arms folded and looking at the ground.
Elizabeth took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. This was going to be tougher than she thought. She said a silent prayer for strength and walked forward until she was standing directly in front of him, hands clasped in front of her. She waited until Nathan looked up, before speaking. When their eyes met, Elizabeth's heart flinched to see the reluctant hesitation in Nathan's eyes.
"Nathan, first of all, thank you for agreeing to speak with me."
He nodded and encouraged her to continue by raising his eyebrows inquisitively.
She took another deep breath, looked him straight in the eyes and softly told him, "Nathan, I came to apologize to you for the awful things I said to you in the jail and for my bad behaviour, in general. I have not been myself lately and I didn't mean what I said."
Nathan compressed his lips and his jaw tensed before he challenged her, "Why did you say it, if you didn't mean it?"
Elizabeth wasn't sure what she expected from Nathan, but it wasn't this. She knew she deserved it, and the intensity of the emotions caused tears to well up in her eyes. She replied, "It's the Thatcher pride! I was raised to never back down from a challenge and never show weakness."
"In fact, I am guilty of both. Instead of honestly telling you how I felt, I let my pride get in the way. Instead of fighting for love, I ran away from you, more than once."
"I was afraid and masked my fear as meanness and rudeness. I told you I saw Jack, because that was all I could think of to say, without admitting to you I was scared."
Surprised, Nathan was caught off guard. His expression fell and he swallowed hard as he glanced to the side for a moment. His eyes shifted back to hers and he exclaimed, "You're scared? Of me? What did I possibly do to frighten you?"
Elizabeth's eyes widened. "No, you misunderstand, Nathan." Her arms began to gesture as she spoke. "I could never be afraid of you. You are the kindest, gentlest man I have ever known. I was fearful of losing you, like I lost Jack. I was so weak and desperate for a safe life, I manufactured one for myself. I now know my manufactured safe life wasn't so safe after all."
Nathan now looked at her in utter disbelief and raised his arms halfway in frustration, "Is that what this is about? Are you apologizing to me now, because things didn't work out with Lucas?"
Elizabeth lowered her eyes and said, "No, not at all." Elizabeth felt a little frustrated and tried to slow her words down and control her tone. "I am apologizing because you deserve to know the truth. I am truly sorry for all the heartache and grief I caused both you and Allie. At some point, I would also like to apologize to Allie, when and if you allow me to speak with her."
Nathan looked at her with a stunned expression on his face, "Elizabeth, why have you decided I deserve to know the truth? It's been some time since…?" He broke off before mentioning the events of that awful day. He continued with, "Why now?"
Elizabeth started to lose her composure and a couple of tears ran down her cheeks. Her voice started to rise as she said "Nathan, a part of me has always known I owed you an apology but fear kept me from doing it; I just wasn't strong enough to face you. Pastor Joseph's sermon on "Forgiveness" shone a light on my awful behaviour. It has taken a lot of prayer to summon the courage needed to face you, today. I am not proud of my behaviour; I led you on and inserted myself into your life."
Nathan was still and silent as Elizabeth pressed forward, her voice rose even more in volume and passion "The truth is, I lied to you by telling you I was not in love with you, because I am and I have been for a long time!"
Silence fell across the back yard, except for a slight breeze rustling through the grass and a few bird calls heard far away. Elizabeth gasped slightly when she realized what she had said, but she managed not to break eye contact with him.
She had told Nathan she was in love with him.
Her cheeks flushed a bit and she felt shy and vulnerable as she watched Nathan to gauge his response.
Nathan stood there stunned after Elizabeth's bombshell revelation! His eyes widened as he took in her words. There was a ring of truth in her words, which brought a touch of comfort to his heart because it validated everything he had thought for so long.
Elizabeth blinked her eyes and softly added, "Regardless of how things go between us, I need you to know that."
"I have acknowledged my sinful behaviour to God and I know I have His forgiveness. I came here today to humbly ask that you accept my heartfelt apology and forgive me. It is my fervent prayer that someday, we can overcome this, and be friends again."
She looked to Nathan for his reply. She was not prepared for what came next.
Nathan moved toward the door and showed her inside. This was a very private conversation. The move inside also gave him time to gather his thoughts.
Once inside and the door now closed, Elizabeth stood next to the dining table while Nathan went to a drawer and pulled out a clean handkerchief which he handed to her.
As Elizabeth wiped her tears, more came. Nathan felt his heart softening, proving his prayers were being answered. At the same time, the painful memories of everything that had happened were still so very fresh.
Nathan stood before Elizabeth and opened his mouth to speak several times, but couldn't find the words. Finally, he said, "Elizabeth, I truly appreciate you coming here today. I also was deeply affected by that same sermon, but for different reasons. You need to understand something – I don't always speak well, so it was hard for me to tell you I was in love with you. I didn't say those words lightly. When I said that to you, I sincerely meant it."
He continued, "I have also been praying and soul-searching. I have been struggling with how to forgive being deeply hurt by the woman I love; being told she can't see beyond the uniform I wear, to love the man that wears it. I am also responsible for guiding my daughter to look for the good in people despite being badly hurt."
Elizabeth's face was awash with tears that she didn't bother to wipe away and she was shaking at his blunt reply.
It took every ounce of Nathan's strength not to reach out and console Elizabeth. He was not trying to be unkind, but he needed to be honest with her.
He shook his head and paused as he grasped for words. "I never thought you would come and apologize to me, so I have been trying to find a way to move on, without being asked for forgiveness. Your visit today is the first step toward putting this behind us."
"I was struggling to let go of the hurt and anger. God helped me remember we are to treat each other with kindness, tender hearts and forgiveness. Love does forgive." His face softened as he regarded Elizabeth who was calming some. He waited while she wiped away the fresh tears and looked back up into his eyes.
"Yes, Elizabeth, I forgive you - for everything." Elizabeth took in a deep breath and as she closed her eyes, relief brought peace to her expression.
Now Nathan's eyes shifted down for a moment as he considered before continuing. "At this point, that is all I can offer you. Please don't interpret this as a rejection – I am not closing the door on any future relationship – be it friendship or something more – I am honestly telling you I don't know how I feel. I need time to process what happened here today. Elizabeth, will you give me time and space to figure things out?"
Unsure of her voice, she merely nodded her head. Once she was able to speak, she said, "I am taking advantage of the school break and am returning to Hamilton for a few weeks. We leave tomorrow morning. I have come to realize how awful I have been lately, to so many people. I needed to apologize so I could move forward with whatever life has in store for me. Please know I am not running away from this fight. In time, I hope to eventually stand with you; not fight against you."
Elizabeth shyly looked at Nathan, not really sure how he would feel about her next question. Once again, she took another cleansing breath and asked, "Since I will be leaving town for a few weeks, would you be willing to keep the line of communication between us open?"
Nathan looked thoughtful and said, "I agree that open communication is important, but I'm not much for letter writing. What do you suggest?"
For the first time on this visit, Elizabeth gave him a small smile. She reached into the pocket of her skirt and produced a piece of paper. "This is my father's private phone line in his study. No one but family answers this line. I will be letting my father know I have shared this number with you. I am quite certain he will understand why. I already have your number committed to memory."
Nathan reached out to take the paper from her. As he did, their fingers brushed against each other and they both felt a familiar surge of electricity. As their eyes met and locked, they both paused to prolong the sensation and before Nathan knew it, he was drawing Elizabeth toward himself for a gentle embrace that signified the beginning of healing.
He knew this was a departure from Elizabeth's recent behaviour. Setting aside her fear and pride to apologize to him was very difficult for her to do. Only God's grace could have made this happen.
He wished her safety on her trip to Hamilton – and back home again.
Mamabethany - you are a gem! You made wonderful improvements to the original story. Thank you so much!