Present
If one more headache came through his window today, Minato was pretty sure he was going to have a mental, emotional, and physical breakdown. They'd have to scrape him up off the floor and mail him home to Kushina in a waterproof envelope. Who knows, maybe Shisui really was ready for the hat, and Minato could just… go home. And sleep. Maybe eat a real, home-cooked meal with his wife and son without having to worry about a million other things all at once.
It was such a nice dream. He says as much to his Anbu, eyes falling closed as he faceplants on his desk and groans. That was going to leave a mark, but as long as no one else came today, no one would see, right? In fact, if anyone else waltzed into his office for any sort of stupid, arbitrary, asinine reason, Minato was going to throw himself out the window.
"Tanuki," he mumbles, head still firmly attached to his desk.
He can feel as the Anbu shifts and lands in front of him in a crouch, ready to serve.
"No more meetings today unless it is an absolute, catastrophic emergency that can't be solved by anyone else, yeah?" Minato asks, voice small.
"Of course, Hokage-sama," Tanuki responds, something like relief coating his tone.
"And," Minato adds before Tanuki can relay the message to his secretary in front, "if it is an emergency of such epic proportions, I'm dead. All requests for aid can be taken to my lovely second in command, Shikaku-san."
There's a charged silence as Tanuki digests the words, shifting in place.
"...as you say, Hokage-sama," the Anbu replies at length, sounding far more judgemental this time around.
"Dead, Tanuki," Minato repeats as the masked shinobi stands, bows, and exits the room.
Finally, finally, he can take a break. There are only a few more time-sensitive documents to review, and then maybe he'll even make it home in time to eat dinner with everyone. Kushina will be thrilled, and Naruto might actually be able to tell him about training with Gai without Minato having a full-on, hysterical meltdown.
The poor kid was probably going to punch him in the face if Minato laughed at his misery again. It wasn't his fault that Obito was out of the village on an extended mission, after all.
Or, well, it actually kind of was. But green was absolutely Naruto's color! Now if only Kushina could coerce their son into actually putting it on…
Perking up considerably at the thought of being able to spend an entire evening with his family, Minato sits back upright and stretches his arms, rolling his neck. Minato could get this one and done in under an hour if he really put his mind to it, so the blond grabbed his stack of paperwork and decisively plopped it down in front of himself, determined.
Snatching up his pen, Minato began scanning over the document with vigor, scribbling his signature at the bottom with a nod. Good, it seemed like Iruka was taking his job seriously and filtering out all the junk that didn't need to be dealt with immediately.
The Yondaime ignores the sound of his door swinging open, Tanuki pausing as he sees his Hokage's dramatic recovery.
"Completely deceased," Minato repeats for the third time without so much as blinking, signing off at the bottom of the next document.
He can hear the Anbu huff in amusement before he hops back up into his perch, content to watch for the rest of his shift.
"I am going home and eating dinner with my family tonight. Don't you dare let anyone think otherwise," he states, brows furrowing at a suspiciously vague mission report from Genma's last mission. "Ahem, Tanuki, if you could so kindly pass on to Genma-kun that, regardless of how boring and hot a mission to Suna is, a full report is still in order, that would be great."
Minato can physically feel as Tanuki rolls his eyes, pouting like the absolute brat he is.
"It would be a shame if I was, to say, be forced to put him on Academy duty next week for senbon practice because he can't seem to be bothered filling out a full report," Minato nods in faux reluctance, drawing a bright red X across the rejected report. "I'm sure he'll figure it out, though."
Tanuki is glaring at him in equal parts irritation and terror. After what happened last time with Academy practice, Minato isn't surprised. Good, he needs to keep his Anbu on their toes.
Minato makes steady headway through the rest of the reports and propositions on his desk, only three more being outright rejected, and another four being marked for further investigation. The sun is just barely starting to set as he grabs the last of two forms on his desk, humming with a smile. Tonight was going to be a good night.
Maybe with any luck, Naruto will be so exhausted from another one of Gai's youthful training sessions that he'll pass out early and leave Kushina and himself with some time to…
Minato clears his throat and forces down a slight flush, forcing himself to start over from the top of the form to keep from spacing out. He signs off on the document and is right in the middle of reaching for the last one when he freezes, eyes going wide.
"No," he whispers, "No, please."
Hands reaching up to grab his hair, Minato looks up to his Anbu in panic, who are already shifting in preparation for orders.
"Tanuki," Minato whimpers in horror as the Anbu leaps from his perch and lands in front of him. "They're early. Why, why of all missions, does this have to be the one they're back early from? And on today of all days?"
Tanuki shifts in front of him, looking entirely too smug for a blank mask.
"Your orders, Hokage-sama?" he quips, innocent.
"I'm dead, remember?" Minato pleads. "How can I give orders if I'm dead? Better yet, they can't report to a dead man, right?"
The Anbu pointedly doesn't answer, and Minato crumples in on himself in defeat.
"Go fetch Jiraiya-sensei for me," he finally responds, head thunking back into the desk. "Everyone else out, and don't come back in until I'm finished speaking with them unless I'm actively dying, yes?"
Tanuki simply nods before vanishing with a swirl of leaves, off to pick up his charge. The rest of them file politely out the door, not even bothering to dignify their defeated Hokage with a glance. Minato chokes back a hysterical laugh that might also be a sob as the door pops back open only seconds later, three sets of footsteps making their way inside.
After a long, dragging silence, one of them clears their throat.
"Um, you good, Sensei? I don't need to call Tsunade-hime in, do I?" comes the uncertain voice, light shuffling footsteps drawing near.
"There's no need, Obito," Minato responds brokenly, remaining unmoving. "I'm already dead. There's nothing more anyone can do for me. Shisui, the hat is all yours. Congratulations on becoming Godaime and all that, have a nice night."
There is another long pause as no one moves before Obito speaks again.
"What the hell, who broke Sensei?" he asks, baffled. "He wasn't like this when we left, right? I'm pretty sure he was fine, right? Am I going crazy?"
"No, no, I think you're right," Shisui agrees, and Minato doesn't have to look to know he's grinning like the absolute menace that he is. "Sorry, Yondaime-sama, but I think I'll pass on the offer for the hat. Seeing you now, I'm pretty sure that I'm just going to take up flower arranging instead. I have it on good authority that it's very relaxing."
"Denied," Minato muses blandly. "Well, Orochimaru, I guess it would be your turn, then."
The Sannin hums, appearing to think it over.
"My apologies, Yondaime-sama, but I simply do not believe myself to be the correct candidate for the position. I am afraid I shall have to decline as well," Orochimaru responds, placid.
"Well, fuck me then," Minato says without inflection.
"Wha- Minato-sensei! Seriously, what the hell happened to you? Did someone die?" Obito squawks, flailing.
"Yes, me."
Shisui bursts into laughter as Obito's panic increases, yelling something about grabbing Minato some water before dashing out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The blond doesn't bother to look up as Shisui starts wheezing, squeezing his eyes shut and fighting back a migraine.
"S-seriously though," Shisui manages to gasp between giggles, taking a deep breath. "Are you okay, Hokage-sama?"
Minato heaves out a sigh, turning his head to look longingly out the window.
"One paper," he murmurs. "I just needed one more paper."
"Oh, I guess we are a little early, huh?" Shisui muses. "If it's any consolation, though, we got absolutely nothing done with A, so our report should be pretty straightforward."
Minato groans aloud, slowly pushing himself back upright as he reaches for the last document, signing it out of spite. Glancing up he takes in Orochimaru's utterly unruffled appearance and Shisui's devilishly wide grin, eye twitching in irritation.
"I don't suppose one of you could do me a favor and shut the window for me?" he asks, looking pointedly to Shisui. "We're expecting one more person."
"No, please," Orochimaru says, taking a step forward. "Allow me."
Minato can't help but roll his eyes as Orochimaru swings the window shut and locks it, smirking to himself. He supposes that, no matter how much time passes, some things always stay the same.
"Minato-sensei! I got you some water!" Obito bellows as he swings the door back open, trotting into the room. "Please don't- oh. You're up."
The blond chuckles and takes pity on his student, shuffling from foot to foot and looking like he's had the wind punched out of his sails.
"Thank you, Obito. I really do appreciate it," he says with a soft smile, beckoning his student closer. "Sorry for scaring you."
"Oh, no, it's totally fine. What's uh, what's the matter, Sensei?" Obito inquires, setting the pitcher of water on Minato's desk along with a stack of cups.
Good, he'd thought to bring some for the others.
"Nothing is wrong," Minato is quick to reassure him. "I'm just a little worn out, is all."
Obito visibly deflates, an embarrassed smile crossing his face. "Oh, that's good then. Or, well, not exactly good, but-"
"I know what you mean," Minato cuts him off mercifully, pouring himself a glass of water for Obito's benefit. "Now, if you all would be willing to grab a chair, we can get right into this report and get ourselves home at a decent hour as soon as Jiraiya-sensei arrives."
They all move to comply, grabbing folding chairs from the rack in the back of his office. After years of having to stand and deliver reports only minutes after returning from dragging, exhausting missions, the very first thing Minato did after his instatement as Hokage was getting some real chairs for his office. Screw protocol, Minato was not going to have any more shinobi collapsing in this office, propriety be damned.
As they all get settled, Shisui's brows scrunch as he looks towards the window, attention on the rapidly approaching chakra signature.
"You don't think he's actually going to-"
With a massive bang! the window shudders in its frame, the thick polycarbonate not giving an inch as a human body bounces off of it with a shriek, dropping like a stone.
Minato is pretty sure Shisui and Obito's jaws are on the floor, and he buries his head into his hands with a groan as he watches Orochimaru's shoulder's tremble faintly, lips twitching on an otherwise expressionless face. He can hear even more shouting, footsteps pounding up the stairs towards his office. It's truly shameful that noise-canceling seals only work one way.
"Who the absolute fuck- you!" Jiraiya roars as he slams open the door, gaze settling on Orochimaru. "Bastard! What is your problem? That window is there for a reason! Who gave you the right?"
Minato lifts his head, staring hopelessly at his sensei as blood pours openly down the man's face from his nose, dripping onto the floor.
"Perhaps if you had some decorum and used the door like a proper shinobi, we would not have the need for this conversation," Orochimaru responds, as unruffled as ever. "But I suppose expecting a buffoon to acclimate to the ways of proper society will always be a pipe dream."
Jiraiya flushes crimson, baring his teeth and taking a threatening step forward.
"I don't care what Hime says about using my words not my fists, you are going down a peg Oro-teme," Jiraiya snarls, cracking his fists and preparing to lunge.
Orochimaru sighs deeply, crossing one leg over another.
"I don't have time to waste on your juvenile antics, Jiraiya. Sit down so we can proceed with our report already."
Jiraiya growls but takes a step back when he catches sight of the absolute death glare Minato is giving him. Muttering under his breath about 'freakish snakes' and 'bastards without feelings,' he grabs a chair and spins it around, plopping into it backwards.
"Fine then, let's get this over with. I have a date tonight and I am not going to be late because of some prissy politics that A has probably already changed his mind about," he grumbles, sulking.
"With whom? Your right hand?" Orochimaru, the pictures of poise, snips back.
"Okay, that's it," Jiraiya snaps, eyes locking onto his teammate. "Sorry Minato, but he'll be giving his report from a body bag. You want to put on your big girl pants, Oro-teme, and step outside?"
Both their gazes are burning as they shift in irritation, Orochimaru's eye twitching faintly and Jiraya's fists shaking.
"For the love of Kami, if those two would just kiss and figure themselves out already," Minato mutters under his breath before slamming a palm down on his desk, causing Shisui and Obito to jump. "If either one of you leaves this room before you're dismissed, I will not be held responsible for whatever Tsunade-hime decides to do with you. Now sit down and relax, both of you!"
Minato barks the last portion with what Kushina has lovingly dubbed his 'Hokage voice,' snapping all four shinobi to attention while simultaneously diffusing the rising tension. It works, though, Jiraiya slumping back into his seat and Orochimaru sniffing pretentiously, holding his nose in the air. Grabbing a box of tissues, he chucks them at his still-bleeding sensei's head before looking at the rest of his team with a deadpan expression.
"Now, if someone would please let me know exactly why A denied our entire offer, that would be great," he drawls, gesturing towards Shisui.
They all seem a bit off-balance after the scene between the two sannin, but both Uchiha straighten and comply regardless.
"Ah, of course Hokage-sama. There were several reasons why he was unwilling to negotiate, but, well…" Shisui trails off with a grimace, and Obito jumps in.
"He doesn't believe that the Akatsuki are as big of a threat as we're making them out to be," he explains, rubbing a palm over his face. "Especially now that Bee and the Hachibi are on working terms. They are… terrifyingly powerful, I'll give them that, but even still, we've seen how strong some of the Akatsuki are first hand."
Minato nods, eyes narrowing in irritation at the information.
"So, the entire week we had them in the village, and all the time I spent convincing him that cooperation was our best bet for surviving?" he asks wearily, finger tapping on the desk.
"That, too, was another strong point of contention," Orochimaru adds this time, folding his hands into his haori. "He stated that by pooling our resources, we were all but damning their economy and mission request influx. Kumo is in a far more isolated position geographically, and he fears once clients learn that Konohagakure and Kumogakure are in armistice, they will simply redirect their business to the more accessible of the two."
Minato breathes out a harsh sigh of irritation, grinding his teeth.
"What else?"
Grimacing, Shisui jumps in again.
"He also said that since none of the known members of the Akatsuki are Kumo nukenin, that it's not his responsibility to clean up other villages' messes."
"Of course he did," Minato agrees, twitching. "And of course, I'm sure you reminded him that, as it stands, none of the Akatsuki are from Konoha either?"
"Of course, Yondaime-sama," Orochimaru says, shifting slightly. "Pardon my language, but I believe he called us - what was it - 'a bunch of dumb-ass, meddling, bleeding hearts who don't know how to keep their noses out of other people's fucking business.'"
"He also called us tree huggers like every third sentence," Obito chimes in, grimacing.
"For the love of-" Minato cuts himself off with a controlled exhale, taking a few calming breaths and reigning in his unintentional KI.
He pinches the bridge of his nose tightly with one hand, eyes squeezed shut, fumbling around for some ibuprofen in his desk drawer with the other. If this conversation was going to continue in the direction he was sure it was headed, he was going to need it.
"Wow," Jiraiya says, breaking the strained silence. "That somehow managed to go worse than I had imagined. I've gotta give it to A, he really does go to the beat of his own drum. Can't ever anticipate his reactions."
Minato throws three tablets in his mouth, washing them down with some of the water Obito had been so kind as to go get him. Bless that man.
Throwing a palm over his face and leaning back, Minato waves a hand at Shisui. "And what of your second objective? Did you find any leads?"
"We had a second objective?" Obito inquires, sitting up straighter and furrowing his eyebrows.
"We didn't learn anything, Hokage-sama. They had simply dropped the scroll off and taken their bounty before leaving," Shisui responds, steamrolling over the other Uchiha.
"Now hold on just a second," Obito yelps, throwing a palm out in front of him. "There was a second objective? Why didn't anyone tell me? What was it?"
Jiraiya snorts.
Minato allows his hand to fall from his face, turning a baleful eye on Shisui and Orochimaru. "You didn't tell him?"
"Is it just ignore Obito day? No, they didn't tell me! I just said that!" he yells, waving his arms at the two offending jounin.
"We did not, Yondaime-sama," Orochimaru agrees, sending Obito a judgemental look. "Obito is an exceptional jounin, but unfortunately, reconnaissance is not his area of expertise. We were attempting to be subtle."
"You bastards!" he cries, sending Minato a wounded look. "They purposefully left me out of the loop! I can be subtle, Minato-sensei, you know that!"
The Hokage slumps in defeat once again, tuning out Obito's indignant shouting and Jiraiya's open snickering. They were all jounin here, weren't they? Where was the maturity? The ease of operation.
"Just tell me what it was!" Obito shrieks, leaping out of his chair and pointing at his team. "Minato-sensei, please!"
"Shisui," Minato growls, steely blue eyes boring holes into the younger Uchiha's head. "Tell him."
Minato watches as he shifts uncomfortably, his former amusement evaporating at the weight of his Hokage's thinly veiled fury.
"Um, right, sorry, Obito. We really didn't mean anything by it, we just didn't want you unnerving everyone who was walking by and scaring off the matron's clients," Shisui says, edging towards Orochimaru and away from his cousin and kage. "We really were being honest when we had you wait outside."
"You had him wait outside?" Jiraiya wheezes, incredulous. "Like, actually sat him outside like a misbehaving toddler?"
"Sensei you are not helping," Minato hisses, ready to chuck all of them out the window indiscriminately.
They all silence themselves at the sheer volume of KI rolling off their Hokage, the faint trembling in his hands giving away exactly how close he is to strangling them.
"Your primary objective was to finalize the peace talks between Kumogakure and Konohagakure, which I think is safe to say you failed," Minato all but spits, irritation throbbing behind his temple. "Your secondary objective was to collect information on the suspected nuke-nin known as 'Gin' after the takedown and subsequent bounty collection of the Akatsuki member known as Kakuzu of Takigakure."
"Wait," Obito cuts Minato off, flinching as ice-cold cobalt eyes lock onto his own. "I- uh, sorry to cut you off, Sensei, but Kakuzu is dead? Like, the heart actually stopped and was turned in for a bounty dead?"
"That is correct," the blond responds tightly, finger tapping on his desk. "I had your team investigating the collections office where he was dropped off. You should have made it there only a few hours after I received notification of his death if all went well."
"Yes, Hokage-sama," Shisui murmurs, looking adequately cowed. "We made it there in just under six hours, but at this point, Gin had already come and gone."
Shisui frowns at the floor, and Minato can tell he's frustrated. Even Orochimaru appears outwardly unsettled, which is unusual for him.
"Wait, like, Gin as in silver?" Obito asks, prompting Shisui to shoot him a pissed off look.
"No, Gin as in humming Obito," he shoots at the other Uchiha, scowling. "Yes Gin as in silver."
"Kami-sama, I am not the reason Minato-sensei is pissed off right now," Obito defends himself petulantly, frowning. "Tall, lanky bastard with a facemask and a lot of silver hair? Around my age?"
The room collectively freezes, Minato's eyes trailing over to Obito in astonishment.
"That… would be correct, yes," he says haltingly. "Obito, where exactly did you hear that?"
Obito looks around at the four sets of eyes burning into him and tenses, holding his hands out defensively.
"Geez, I didn't realize it was that big of a deal. You're telling me that guy is the one who took down Kakuzu?" Obito frowns. "You're totally sure?"
"Yes, Obito," Minato snaps. "Where did you hear about him?"
"Uh, I didn't hear about him anywhere. He was in town with us. We had lunch…"
Obito trails off as Minato just about goes bug-eyed, lunging across his desk to grab one of Obito's hands and haul him closer.
"You talked to him?" he shouts, shaking his student.
"Ack, yes I talked to him!" Obito wails, staggering as his teacher stops shaking him and instead grips his shoulders.
Minato stares him straight in the eye, expression wild. "You are going to tell me about everything Gin said, did, and exactly what he looked like. I don't care how trivial it seems, I need all of it."
Minato doesn't care how crazy he looks right now, he needs answers, not sanity.
"Alright, Minato, let's put the poor kid down," Jiraiya buts in soothingly, standing and physically removing his frantic Hokage's hands from Obito. "How about we all sit down and calmly discuss exactly what happened here."
"I'm not a toddler. I don't need you patronizing me, Sensei," Minato huffs in what definitely isn't a pout.
Regardless, he flops back into his chair, grumbling.
"Is there any reason, in particular, you didn't see fit to inform Shisui and myself immediately after the fact?" Orochimaru inquires, raising an eyebrow at his flustered student.
Obito puffs up. "How the hell was I supposed to know you wanted me to be on the lookout for him? It's not like you two, oh, I don't know, told me that was why we were in town!"
Orochimaru nods, conceding the point but not necessarily looking pleased about it.
"It was an oversight, certainly, but one I assure you will not happen again."
"'Will not happen again,'" Obito mumbles mockingly, sinking back into his own chair. "It better not. Now, why do you guys keep calling him Gin? Is that like, some stupid moniker someone gave him? That's not what he told me."
Jiraiya is the one who looks abruptly to Obito this time, startled. "Wait, he told you his name?"
"Um, yes?" Obito squeaks, looking around. "Is that not something he's told everyone else?"
"There is no everyone else, Obito," Minato explains breathlessly. "You are the only one I know of at all that has had any sort of conversation with him period outside of one information broker over two months ago."
Obito blinks. "Oh. Well, uh, I don't think he really wanted to tell me his name at first, but he was the one who offered it, in the end."
"So you approached him, then?" Jiraiya asks, thumbing his holster.
"Er, no, actually. It was kind of weird, really," the Uchiha admits, scooting away from Jiraiya. "I was sitting outside of the Bounty Office when he just kind of… showed up, I guess? He teased me for a little while about being left outside, and then invited me to lunch."
Shisui and Minato shoot his incredulous looks.
"And you just… went with him?" the blond asks in disbelief.
"Well, I mean I was reluctant at first, because, you know, I was supposed to stay outside, but…" Obito trails off, a flush creeping up his neck. "He convinced me otherwise."
"How," comes a growl, this time from Orochimaru.
"Erm, I can't really seem to remember," Obito says with a nervous laugh, scratching the back of his head.
"Obito," Orochimaru hisses again.
Obito flails at Orochimaru's tone, flapping his hands. He sends a desperate look to Shisui but is instead met with angrily swirling Sharingan. He swallows.
"Hehadapleasentvoiceokay?" Obito wheezes. "And I was really hungry."
Silence.
"He… had a pleasant voice. Did I hear you right?" Minato asks.
Obito swallows.
"Yes, Sensei," he mumbles, eyes locked on the ground in front of him.
"Obito, am I to understand that you not only abandoned your post during a mission but defied a direct order from a superior and failed to alert us to the fact you had encountered a potentially lethal mercenary, all due to your having found him attractive?" Orochimaru interrogates, tone absolutely glacial.
"Yes, Sensei," he repeats, voice so small it's nearly nonexistent.
Minato can feel familiar disappointment and irritation flaring up inside him as Obito hangs his head, the silent tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Obito was not going to walk away from this one without consequences, that was for certain. Sighing, Minato begins to look up at his student, words forming on the tip of his tongue for an official reprimand, when he is cut off viciously by Jiraiya.
"You- you," he wheezes, shoulders shuddering in his effort to keep from exploding. "You left Oro-teme and Shisui to deal with info-brokers so you could go on a date? Obito, my man!"
Minato whips his head to his sensei as he proceeds to cackle merrily, slapping his knee as tears well up in the older man's eyes.
"He-he actually-" Jiraiya can't even finish his sentences he's laughing so hard, and it takes everything in Minato not to leap across his desk and strangle him.
"Obito," the Yondaime snaps, bringing everyone's (but Jiraiya, of course, the idiot) attention back to him. "You'll be doing academy target practice with the fourth years this week. Should Shisui, as your mission commander, deem it fit to lodge a formal complaint against you, you will see your mission pay docked accordingly. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Sensei," Obito repeats once more, grimacing.
"Now," Minato continues brusquely, "You say Gin invited you to lunch. What happened next?"
"Wait, wait," Jiraiya gasps, wiping tears from his eyes and ignoring Orochimaru's judgemental look. "I wanna hear this too. Whew, haven't laughed like that in a while."
Jiraiya straightens back out and brushes his knees off.
"Go on then, Uchiha, and then maybe later I can teach you all the ways to pick up a chick while on a mission," the Sannin winks at him. "Just make sure you call me sensei, yeah?"
Minato slaps a palm over his face for what must be the hundredth time that day.
"Sensei, shut up. Obito, report, please."
"Ah, right Sensei!" Obito says, straightening all the way back up and shooting Jiraiya a wary look. "Well, for starters, his name is Kakashi, not Gin, and…"
Many Weeks Previously
"Wait, so then why are we going after this Hidan guy? I thought the whole point of you taking your time training us and stuff was to avoid attracting attention?" Ūhei yips, head tilted in confusion. "Wouldn't taking out one of these Akatsuki guys just alert all of the villages?"
"Well, yes and no," Kakashi drawls, sliding his whetstone down the nearly flawless blade. "You see, I do want to avoid being noticed - particularly by Konohagakure - but I also need some credibility in order to keep gathering information. People are more willing to talk if they know you mean business."
"I… guess that makes sense, boss. And you're starting with Hidan because you think he's going to be the easiest to kill?" the basenji asks, blunt and clueless.
Kakashi sighs, resheathing the ninjato. "Not quite, Ūhei. I actually think Deidara from Iwagakure would be the easiest take out at my current level, but I strongly doubt I would be able to catch him alone, and Sasori is not the kind of nukenin I want to take on by myself."
"This Deidara guy is the weakest, then," Pakkun huffs from where he's curled up on the ground next to Kakashi's foot, dozing.
"Weak is relative, you know. They're all still S ranked shinobi," Kakashi ribs, poking the dog with his foot.
"So are you," Pakkun fires back, snapping gently at the sandaled toes by his feet. "How'd you take him out the first time?"
Kakashi's brow furrows. "Deidara or Hidan?"
Pakkun makes a weird motion with his shoulder blades that Kakashi interprets as a shrug. "Both. Either. I don't care. I just want to know how they went down last time so I can see how much faster we can do it now."
Kakashi snorts, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. He drops a hand onto Ūhei's head, still plastered to his side as always, and gives a thoughtful hum.
"I didn't actually kill either of them, last time," Kakashi starts slowly, ruffling the furry head beneath him.
(A body scroll too heavy for a young teen to carry, panicdenialgriefpain slamming into his soul all at once. Naruto, confused, angry, sad, one more leaving him behind to rot. Gai dragging him away from the KIA stone, murmuring meaningless platitudes. A Kunoichi left all alone, a child left to be raised without their father. Itshouldhavebeenme.)
"I don't actually know how Deidara was killed originally, just that Sasuke-" (gone, still gone, where was I?) "-somehow managed to take him down. The first time I fought him, though, we nearly killed him. If Naruto hadn't lost control of the Kyuubi-" (red chakra so thick you can barely breathe, a teen stumbling towards the last of his family only to be dragged away. Alone, alone, he's all alone.) "-I believe we would have been able to overpower him in a matter of minutes."
Kakashi shifts on the log he's on, Ūhei letting out another long whine before physically crawling into his lap. The startled shinobi's visible eye goes wide, but he can't find it in him to push the dog off, the basenji's contact keeping him grounded and mentally aware. Kakashi runs bare hands down the dog's sides before drawing him close, wrapping his arms around him. Ūhei's tail wags faintly as the dog tucks his chin over Kakashi's shoulder, sighing.
They sit like this for a while, Pakkun's sharp gaze piercing both of them while keeping an even closer watch on Kakashi.
(Kakashi's old pack would never touch him like this. They had been raised around his unstable moods and had learned very quickly to ignore his spiralling unless it was going to cause direct conflict or injury. The other Anbu already watched him closely enough, he didn't need his pack to do so as well.)
"Hidan died badly. If you can separate the head from the body, he will eventually die of starvation or dehydration. Nara Shikamaru was the one who figured that out and laid the trap," Kakashi explains tonelessly, words tasting like ash in his mouth.
"They let a pup take the lead on a mission like that?" Pakkun responds, tone no different than before.
"He killed Asuma. Shikamaru was part of his genin team," Kakashi says, voice entirely flat. "They thought they had him figured out, but it turns out it's far harder to kill an immortal than you'd think."
Pakkun huffs a laugh, standing up and shaking himself. He pads over a few paces away, stretching.
"Ūhei, off," the pug barks, prompting the basenji to whine but follow suit regardless. "Come on, boss. We've got a long day ahead of us, and we still need sleep."
Kakashi stands smoothly, ignoring the lingering ache in his back (In his mind, in his soul) from sleeping outside for so many weeks in a row. He really was getting too old for all this damn fieldwork. Listlessly, he follows the pug over to his bedroll, the rest of his pack falling in behind him.
"Bisuke, Ūhei, Guruko, find a spot and settle down for tonight. We need to sleep," Pakkun orders, butting his head into the backs of Kakashi's knees to forcefully put him to bed. "Shiba, you're in charge of the guard and patrol routes tonight. Wake me up if there's an emergency, but otherwise keep everyone calm and on task, okay?"
"You got it Pakkun!" the gray dogs barks, giving them a sloppy salute. "Alright, team Yoru, you're with me!"
"Team Yoru, really?" Bisuke mutters. "How original."
Kakashi snorts as he squirms his way under the blankets, stretching out with a grunt. Ūhei immediately takes advantage of his prone form to curl up on Kakashi's chest, settling down with a happy snuffle.
"Really?" Kakashi asks, receiving a sharp tail to the face in response. "Right, fine, you win."
Kakashi really shouldn't allow this kind of behavior to continue, it setting a bad precedent for the rest of his ninken, but…
The warm weight of his pack grounds him and silences his mind as he drifts off easier than he has in years, warm bodies pressing themselves against him from nearly every side. He can even ignore Guruko's warm breath in his face as his head tips to the side and eyes slip closed, exhaustion winning out.
It's fine, just this once.
The plan, originally, was a rather straightforward one. Kakashi needed speed and agility, certainly, but his ninken were more than capable of handling such a task. A simple distraction to draw Hidan's attention away from ninjato driving through his neck and Kakashi would be set to go. In theory, it should have been easy.
Which is why, when Kakashi and his pack catch up with Hidan in the early gray of the morning, the tense shinobi counts his lucky stars that he won't actually have to get his ninken involved.
The man's head is tilted back, blood spattering onto the ground in thick rivulets around the three-headed scythe buried in his abdomen. Kakashi can't help but feel at least a little sympathy for the shinobi lying prostrate on the ground in front of Hidan, the bruising on his face and neck suggesting he didn't exactly have the nicest, or cleanest, of deaths.
Unfortunately for them, though, this works out perfectly for Kakashi. His pack shifts nervously at the euphoric laughter pouring from deranged nukenin's lips, but he holds up a hand to still them. If he can do this right, Kakashi might even walk out of here without a scratch on his person.
Shifting his weight onto the balls of his feet, Kakashi withdraws his newly acquired ninjato soundlessly and channels only the barest amount of chakra into both it and his tense legs. The wind rustles the forest around them. Kakashi takes a deep breath.
With speed that would make even the Yondaime (Minato-sensei) balk, Kakashi materializes behind Hidan in an instant, chakra flaring hot as his ninjato arches viciously through the air with a hiss.
The impact shudders up Kakashi's arm, straining the muscles in his arm to the near breaking point as his blade comes in contact with a bloody red one.
"You fucking bitch," the furious man hisses. "Thought you could hit me with my fucking back turned, huh? I'll teach you a thing or two about respecting Lord Jashin's rituals, you fucking infidel!"
Kakashi hurls himself backwards with a less than dignified yelp as Hidan's scythe slices open his shirt, just barely missing the flesh below it. Dropping to the ground, he nimbly dodges the redirected swipe and leaps out of range, cursing in his head the entire way.
Of course, of course, something would go wrong. Hidan in the middle of his ritual was the absolute ideal time to strike, but now post the ritual…
Well, safe to say he is moving with far more power and poise than what Kakashi can remember from the last time he saw him.
Kakashi is screwed. Literally, any of the other Akatsuki members and he could have just whipped out his (not his) Sharingan and kept track of the damn scythe while coming up with a new plan. Anyone else. But no, it had to be the one who would keep talking after his head was cut off that Kakashi had to completely botch.
Damn it, why didn't he just stick with his original plan?
"Stop running away you little bitch! I'm not letting you bolt, so just stay put and die already!"
Kakashi rips out a kawarimi, wincing as the scythe impales the log the instant he dodges, Hidan already locked back on target. The nukenin hurls his weapon at Kakashi, wood and all, and watches him with a scowl as the frantic shinobi leaps gracefully over it, hurling kunai at his face.
Hidan scoffs as he leans around it, allowing the kunai to sail harmlessly by. It's not until he sees the victorious gleam in Kakashi's eye that he realizes there's an exploding tag attached. Hidan scrambles forward but is still knocked over by the subsequent explosion shaking the ground.
"You fucking pussy!" he roars, rolling back upright and shaking the ringing out of his ears. "I'm going to cut your balls off and shove them so far up your ass-"
Kakashi doesn't give him a chance to finish, hands whipping into the last sign for his Suiton. A massive Sūiryudan rises from the adjacent stream, crackling as Kakashi pours the energy from his signless Raikiri through it. It shoots off faster than a bolt of lightning, flattening Hidan and what must be an acre of the forest behind him.
Kakashi doesn't hesitate to draw his ninjato again, flickering forward and burying it into the dirt where Hidan was the instant before. He can't see it coming, but years worth of bloody instincts refuse to fail him as Kakashi crosses his arms and partially blocks the vicious kick aimed for his abdomen. He's sent flying, colliding awkwardly with the tree behind him and spine bending dangerously outwards as his exposed back slams into it sideways.
Kakashi flops down to the earth with a pained groan, legs spasming as he forces them to move (move, move you cannot stop moving) and attempts to drag himself back to his feet.
"Too late you fucking piece of shit!" Hidan spits, snatching his scythe back up from the ground and dragging it behind him as he waltzes towards Kakashi.
Dizzy, Kakashi staggers to his feet and hastily brings his ninjato up to deflect a blow. It won't miss, but at least it should kill him outright. Tensing and preparing to skirt around the blade, Kakashi's lower back spasms again and he staggers. Hidan smirks. His right-hand rips the scythe through the air and dead center towards Kakashi's exposed torso.
(So this is how it ends, huh? He truly is a pathetic shinobi. Even with the element of surprise, extensive background knowledge, and having assisted with killing the man in another life, Kakashi still can't do anything without help. He is entirely alone in this. Useless.)
Kakashi attempts to roll to the side, but he can already tell he's not going to make it. Hidan cackles in triumph, satisfaction shining in deranged eyes as they lock onto Kakashi's exposed one.
"Die, motherfucker!" he bellows as his scythe reaches its downward arch, dead set on Kakashi's chest.
He doesn't even register the snarl, mind blanking in the face of his imminent execution as an orange blur slams into Hidan's arm, the nukenin screeching in pain.
"What in the bloody fuck? Get off of me you little shitstain!"
Hidan's blade misses him by millimeters, instead, cleaving into the tree behind Kakashi and nearly leveling it. He spits in fury as he drops the handle of his scythe, hand instead latching onto the furry orange blob attached to his forearm.
"Teach you to fucking bite a man," he seethes, hand latching onto its neck with bone-shattering force and prying it off, flinging it on the ground. "Eat shit."
Hidan kicks the thing across the clearing, sending it crashing through the underbrush with a strangled yelp. Kakashi only catches the faintest glimpse, but that's all he needs.
(N̶̥̐ŏ̵̳. Ņ̵̞̰͓͐͛o̵͈͆ ̶̲̤̽n̸̻͕̖̈̅̂ö̵̱͗ ̵͉̳͔̤̒n̵̺͙̊̈́̑͗o̶̻͈͊͜ ̵̗̹̓͝ň̴̤̻̓̑ȏ̴̰͛͑̃n̴̙̰̳͇͛̈́̚ó̸̖̺͜n̶̘̾͊̎ö̴̤n̴̢̗̖̉͆o̶̙̱͋̐͊)
"Ūhei!"
The name punches its way out of his throat in a scream, Kakashi staggering as his chakra floods his injury at the same time he feels his heart stop. The world grays a bit at the edges, his vision pulsating as his eyes lock onto the bushes where his ninken vanished.
Kakashi can't feel as his breathing starts to rattle its way out of his chest, limbs trembling and chakra spiking uncontrollably. The ground cracks underneath him, and Kakashi faintly notes the scent of ozone in the air. He can't- he won't-
(Not his pack. Not Ūhei. Anyone but his pack, please, not them-)
"Oh, I'm sorry, did I kill your shitty fucking dog?" Hidan sneers, turning back to face Kakashi. "Maybe you should have trained it better."
Kakashi… blanks. He's heard of shinobi losing time before, during battle. He can count how many times it has happened to him. Sitting in front of the KIA stone, or on top of the Yondaime's stone head, thoughts drifting and spiraling, one after another. In the heat of battle, however, something like that has never happened to him before. Perhaps it's due to his near eidetic memory, or maybe thanks to the (stolen) gifted Sharingan he has implanted in his skull.
Regardless, one second he's standing in front of a tree, three-headed scythe embedded deeply in the wood less than a foot to his right, and the next he's inches away from Hidan's face, ninjato screaming at the flood of raw chakra being forced into the blade. It cleaves through the muscle and bone of the arm the nukenin throws up at the last second like butter, the detached limb spinning off somewhere into the distance.
"What the fucking shit, you asshole?" Hidan yelps, attempting to put distance between the two of them.
It doesn't work.
Kakashi's body is relentless, chakra sparking out and electrocuting anything grounded within two meters. His ninjato is blurring through the air, near-invisible at the speed it moves, and Kakashi watches with a faint feeling of detachment as it rips through the fleshy tissue of Hidan's lower abdomen. It catches momentarily on the man's spine but rips out of the opposite side all the same.
Blood spatters across his front, but Kakashi doesn't pause for a moment. His hand darts forward and catches Hidan by the hair, elbow swinging out as he heaves the man over and downwards, twisting his neck and listening as his vertebrae pop from their column. More blood sprays as Kakashi's foot slams down on what's left of Hidan's upper body, wrenching his neck from his shoulders.
Kakashi is pretty sure someone is screaming, but he can't quite tell over the static in his ears. Holding Hidan's head by his hair, Kakashi ignores the wet squelch of organs and viscera as he steps over the nukenin's prone body. He blinks and sees a bright red scythe.
Having stopped in front of the tree, he watches as chakra leaps from his arms to the metallic blade in his hand. Kakashi draws back his ninjato and thrusts it forward in one decisive moment. 48 centimeters of wickedly sharp steel imbued with raw Raiton pin the man in place through his forehead, blood dripping onto the crimson blade below it.
The screaming stops.
The world doesn't.
Kakashi staggers backwards, blood-soaked hands shaking uncontrollably as he stares at his palms, small chunks of entrails and severed flesh clinging to them.
(His pack, his pack, his pack, where is his pack?)
"Boss?" comes a hushed voice from his left, a small pressure pushing against his leg. "Boss, I need you to talk to me. We need orders."
(Boss? Boss? Who calls him boss? His pack is gonegonegone and they're n̴̢̛̼̥͓̗͌̏̓̊́̔̓̒͑̕͝ȅ̸̡̨̛̥̠̱̭͙̺̫͖͔̭̈́̐̉̈́̅̂͑̅̋͠͝ͅv̵̡̛͍̬̦̪͍͓̯̥̼̣̙̱͛͘͜͠e̵̡̱̘̞̫̣̬͚̣͎̯͍̦͛͆͜r̵̢͔̻̙̾́́̂͑͌̔̊̕͝͝ ̴̯̳̱͒́͐̔̄͗̎͑̈́͘͘c̴̡̡̭̬͍̣͍͙̤͔͈͇̗̥̈ͅȯ̸͚̩̮̦̗͔̭͑͑͐̉̃́̈́̀̀͝m̸͉̿̂͆͗̾͆̅̕i̴̖̜̗͔̫̱̼̟͑̍͒̍̅̉̉͑͜͝͠n̵̮͙͗̿̎g̴̺̥̯̲͍̯̈́̾͊͊͗͑̈́̿͜͝ ̵͎̙͖͎͛b̶̩̭̦̼̝̯͉̝̰̮̯̲͌̂͐̉̈́̈͛͂̓͆̆̒͘͝a̴͕̞̘̓̍̑̑̿͌͋́̌̚̚c̷̡̭̻͖̝̠̉̊̀̉͆͜k̶̘͓̻̮͆̋̽͐͘ͅ)
"Boss!" the voice barks this time. "We need orders! Now!"
(Who is there? No one should be there because they all left him and now he's all alone-)
Kakashi jerks as teeth sink into his leg with a growl, his consciousness snapping back all at once.
"Pakkun," Kakashi croaks, looking down at the dog firmly attached to his leg.
The pug spits him out. "Back with us now?"
Kakashi hesitates because is he? He's there physically, certainly, but his mind is a never-ending loop of Ūhei"s body crashing through the undergrowth, a yelp echoing through his ears. Someone had touched his pack, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Kakashi nods, regardless.
"Good, because we need orders," Pakkun snaps, voice shaking lightly. "Ūhei's in… rough shape. I'm pretty sure Nao-sensei still has a favor from Katsuyu, though, so he should be fine. Probably." The pug swallows jaggedly. "But someone is going to have to bring him back, preferably before he bleeds out, so who do you want to go?"
"I- where is he?" Kakashi blurts out, taking a half step in the direction he'd seen the basenji fly earlier.
Pakkun sighs. "This way, boss."
Kakashi follows the ninken numbly, stepping over a particularly large fern and ducking around several branches. He sees Guruko and Bisuke before he can see Ūhei, the dog's crumpled form lying prone between the two. Haltingly, Kakashi stumbles forward and drops to his knees, trembling hands reaching out to touch the utterly still ninken.
He freezes, suddenly, taking in the state of his ruined uniform and bloodstained appendages.
"I- I can't. Not like this," Kakashi stutters, dragging his eyes away from the basenji and over to Bisuke. "Take him with you. Do not leave his side until he is conscious and stable."
The tawny dog nods seriously, gently nudging Ūhei with his nose as they both vanish in a poof of smoke. Kakashi stands, swaying slightly as his adrenaline suddenly drops off, the severe chakra drain punching out his system and nearly sending him back down. He shakes his head roughly, turning back towards the clearing.
He smells blood and smoke.
"Let's get this cleaned up," Kakashi says, hollow.
Guruko shifts uneasily by his feet, but Pakkun simply trots back through the brush and towards the pile of discarded body parts. Sticking close to Kakashi's heel, Guruko follows suit, tail tucking at the sight of the carnage.
"Wow, boss. You're uh, a lot stronger than Pakkun was letting on," he says with a pitched, nervous laugh.
"I'm not," Kakashi snaps back, gritting his teeth. "We'll talk later. For now, we need to get this taken care of before his partner decides to come investigate."
Kakashi can feel an edge of guilt (Guruko is looking at him with uncertainty and fear, but he can't even reassure the dog. He's a horrible sensei-) biting at his insides, but he ignores it in favor of drawing out a small paper scroll and unraveling it. It's blank, but he doesn't plan on keeping it that way for long.
"What are you doing, boss?" Guruko asks hesitantly, tail still tucked.
Kakashi hesitates, glancing at the obviously traumatized ninken. He thinks of sunshine and Fuuton, his first fresh kill and the young jounin panicking over him, scrubbing blood from too small hands. (He'd scoffed, then. He'd already seen death. Still, it had helped.) Kakashi deflates, shoulders hunching as his voice croaks out of him.
"I'm making a custom body scroll," he explains, recalling a lecture from the Yondaime (Minato-sensei) he'd received years ago. "The thing about body scrolls is that, while they do put the cadaver in a state of suspended animation, there is a failsafe built into the seal to prevent living organisms from being sealed inside. If the seal detects a heartbeat, it will spit the body right back out to ensure that the person inside doesn't suffocate."
Guruko's tail wags a bit, his body language relaxing. "Has that ever happened to you before?"
"Not so much," Kakashi says with a forced snort. "But if it was going to happen, it would happen now."
"Oh. Is his heart still beating?"
"Why don't you take a look?" he suggests, nudging the dog forward.
(Learn by doing, that was Minato-sensei's preferred method. He always knew when to push and when to pull back. Kakashi will never compare.)
"Oh uh, okay. It's the, uh, wrist we check for the pulse?" Guruko asks, creeping towards the disembodied torso.
"Mhm. Preferably the one still attached to the body."
It's the dog who snorts, this time, spying the other arm lying at the base of the tree Hidan's head is still firmly attached to. Blood is still slowly dripping into the growing puddle beneath it. Using his nose, Guruko shoves the arm backwards until it flips, veins facing upwards. Delicately, he places his paw in the middle of Hidan's wrist, pushing down.
"I don't have anything, boss," Guruko reports after several seconds, stepping back off.
"I'd hope not," Pakkun responds from across the clearing, perched on one of the massive blades of Hidan's scythe. "If it's still alive in multiple pieces and with a sword through the head, I'm pretty sure it's not human."
"You'd be surprised," Kakashi mumbles, carefully inking his new seal.
It's a complicated design, something he'd reworked nearly two decades ago when Kushina had forced him to sit with her and learn the 'Totally awesome, 'ttebane!' art of Uzumaki sealing.
(Obito gone, Rin's heart shredded beneath his own fingertips, broken promises and an even more broken shinobi. Kakashi was supposed to be guarding her during her pregnancy, but she'd thrown open the window and made an absolute fuss until he'd lept down into the room and let her sit him down, brush in hand. "It really is super simple once you figure it out! You're so smart I bet you'll be moving onto advanced texts by this time next week! Imagine how shocked Minato will be when you use his Hiraishin during your next spar! You just have to promise you'll let me watch so I can see his face, 'ttebane.")
He really should have kept up with it after (gone, gone, everyone was gone-) the Kyuubi attack, but instead, much like everything else at the time, he'd simply let it fall to the wayside. Kakashi wondered what would happen to all the old Uzumaki scrolls still tucked away inside his apartment. Maybe Naruto would find them, and keep the legacy alive?
Sighing, Kakashi draws back from his completed seal, running through some quick hand signs to produce a light breeze that he directs at the paper, drying the blood and ink near instantaneously.
"Ne, Pakkun, can you bring me his arm, please?" Kakashi requests as he stands and brushes his knees off, walking over to drag Hidan's legs towards the scroll. "We'll start small, and work our way up."
"Sure thing, boss," Pakkun replies, leaping to the ground and burying his teeth in the limp appendage.
Kakashi sets the legs down, watching in faint shock as Guruko manages to drag the whole torso over to them by himself. His tail wags rapidly back and forth in pride as he drops the arm in his mouth, looking up at Kakashi with sparkling eyes.
He snorts. "Yes, yes, good job."
His tail seems to double in velocity, his whole butt swaying rapidly as it's pulled along by the force of Guruko's excitement.
"Did you hear that, Pakkun? I'm a good boy!"
"I heard it, brat. Now move out of the way so we can work," Pakkun snaps back, glaring.
Kakashi sighs. "You're both good dogs. Happy now?"
"Tch, don't treat me like a pup. I'm just doin' my job," Pakkun rumbles, but the rapid twitching of his curled tail tells another story.
Rolling his eyes, Kakashi bends down to pick up the discarded arm, pressing it knuckles first against the seal. It disappears in a puff of smoke, the seal glowing momentarily before fading back to black.
"Did it work?" Guruko asks curiously, peeking around Kakashi's side.
"It looks like it's going to hold," he responds, twisting to grab the bloody abdomen behind him.
"Why does it smell so bad," Guruko whines, burying his nose between his front paws and rubbing.
"Because I perforated a bowel when I sliced him open," Kakashi replies absentmindedly, pressing the torso against the seal.
"He what?" Guruko mutters to Pakkun, who rolls his eyes in return.
"He ripped open something in the guy's digestive track that was probably full of junk. It's probably leaking everywhere."
"Ew," Guruko mumbles, wrinkling his nose.
Kakashi grabs the last of Hidan's assembled body and shoves it in the seal, reluctantly impressed at how much blood his body is still producing. It must regenerate at superhuman rates. Tsunade would probably be fascinated.
(But she isn't here, because she's gone, just like everyone else, and Kakashi is entirely alone again. They promised-)
"Yo, boss," Pakkun barks from next to him, Kakashi's eyes drifting over to the pug. "What are we gonna do with his head? You don't think you actually killed him, do you?"
"I doubt it," Kakashi responds, standing up and rerolling his scroll. "I think once I take the ninjato out and the hole in his head closes, he'll be right back to hurl insults at us."
"Do we have to take it out?" Pakkun asks, sending a baleful look at the head pinned to the tree.
"Unfortunately, I still have some questions to ask him," Kakashi says with a sigh, approaching the tree.
He grabs the hilt of his weapon and wrenches it free from the bark, head still firmly latched in place.
"This would be much easier if you had thumbs, you know," he ribs, fumbling for a bar of soap after dumping some water over Hidan's head. "You could just hold him while I pull."
"Sign with the Enkōō next time, then," Pakkun gripes, scratching at his ear.
Kakashi simply shakes his head in amusement, firmly scrubbing Hidan's soaked hair.
"Okay, now what are you doing, boss?" Guruko asks, bewildered.
"He has his hair greased back, so if I want to get a decent grip on it, I'm going to need it out," Kakashi explains, dumping more water over the suds.
"But, weren't you carrying him around by his head before?" the dog asks, tilting his head.
"I was, but this time I'm going to need to step on it, and I can't really do that with it almost completely flat against his scalp." Kakashi shakes the head rapidly, flinging water everywhere. "Alright you two, watch out."
Both dogs jump backwards as Kakashi lowers the skull to the ground, placing one foot firmly on Hidan's hair and sticking it to the ground with chakra. Bracing his other foot across the nukenin's lower jaw, Kakashi firmly grasps the hilt of his ninjato with both his hands and pulls. It doesn't budge, at first, but when Kakashi directs some chakra down his arms and wrenches, the blade slides free with a loud crack!
Kakashi stumbles forward as the jaw below him shifts sideways, and he pinwheels his arms to keep from face planting into the ground. Graceful.
"That crack you just heard," Pakkun calls, dry as a dune in Suna, "it was his jaw. Good luck getting any answers out of him like that."
Kakashi flips the dog off, ignoring both of their amused chuckles as he inspects his blade for damage. It's dripping with blood and what he highly suspects is brain matter, but otherwise, it seems alright. The hilt, on the other hand, is definitely going to need to be replaced. It's covered in what Kakashi is fairly certain are electrical burns, based on the spiking pattern of the black marks, and the guard is half melted off. That is… concerning.
"Your fancy sword alright?" Pakkun quips, jogging back over towards his summoner. "Wouldn't want to have to steal another one."
"You're insufferable," Kakashi informs the pug, deadpan while wiping the blade clean. "We'll talk about that later. For now, we need to move."
Pakkun nods as Kakashi pulls out another scroll, tracing a finger over the third seal down. A small tarp springs free, and he wastes no time wrapping Hidan's head up in it.
"We're headed North, you two. There's a bounty office about a full day's run we can drop him off at, and we've been here too long already. Guruko, you're on point," Kakashi directs, nodding towards where he wants to go. "Keep your nose and ears on high alert, and make sure we don't run into anybody."
Glancing at the pug, Kakashi jerks his head backwards. "Pakkun, make sure we're not followed, and make sure this thing isn't leaving a trail."
"Sure thing, boss," Pakkun says with a nod, muscles tensing in anticipation.
"Let's get moving, then," Kakashi agrees, gesturing at Guruko to take the lead.
"You got it, boss! You can count on me!" the excited ninken responds, springing forward. "Just tell me when to stop!"
Smiling slightly in relief, Kakashi leaps after Guruko, calling out, "Don't forget to pace yourself!"
An excited yip is all he gets in response, but he's reassured regardless. Now, all he has to do is pray that Hidan wakes up and feels like talking.