Cast Not Love Away

By Felicia Ferguson

Author's Note: All details and disclaimers in chapter one. Time for some answers for what's really going on …

Chapter Five

Thursday

Shane had slipped into bed once Oliver was soundly sleeping and curled into his side, using his shoulder as a pillow. But as the night passed and sleep finally came, so did the dreams. Or rather, the nightmares.

She was back at the Wild Oak in Arlington, but instead of Daniel sitting across from her, it was Oliver. It was Oliver who gushed and admired someone else. Oliver who said wanted to be with someone else. Oliver who wanted to brea—

Shane jerked awake. She reached for him but felt only cold sheets under her hand. Oliver was gone. Fear gripped her heart. Had he already left her?

She sat up, eyes darting around their bedroom, and slowly the nightmare faded in the face of reality. His billfold and pocket watch remained in the tray on the dresser. His beloved photo of Chester and Marjorie still stood next to their own wedding day photo. Only Oliver and his Bible were missing.

Breath rushed between her lips as she clutched his pillow to her. His cologne still clung to the fabric. No. He was still here. He hadn't left her for anyone other than God. And that was a choice she could live with. She rolled on her back, taking in another deep sniff of his pillow. God, help. Please. Tell him to stay. Remind him you put us together if he's forgotten.

Tears soaked Oliver's pillow as her prayers turned to pleas and finally she fell to a fitful sleep. Sometime later, she heard the bedroom door open, felt the soft vibration of Oliver's feet on the hardwood floor, saw the light streaming from under the bathroom door. When he returned to the room, he paused at the foot of the bed, and his hand engulfed her ankle, thumb circling the bone. He squeezed it gently, then he was gone.

##

Shane never wore sunglasses, but she'd bought a pair from a street vendor on the way into work, paying fifteen dollars for ones that if she was lucky would hold up for a day. But hopefully that would be all she'd need them. After making sure she was thirty minutes late to the DLO, she was relieved to find Oliver already in his meetings and Samantha back in the lab training with Norman and Rita. Charley was up in International Misdirects picking up their monthly bin of dead letters.

Shane tugged off the glasses and stuck them in her purse. Grateful she'd have no one to face with the puffy eyes that wouldn't be soothed with a whole tube of concealer, she opened her laptop and focused on the antique coin. The hack of the Drummond Auction House's firewall had gotten her nothing. Maybe the coin wasn't as valuable as they first thought?

She pulled up her browser and began a search of area coin collecting businesses and scrolled through their websites. Two hours and ten websites down, she found a very similar coin on a local collector's site. She glanced at her cell phone. She should call and just email him a photo. But it would be good to get some space between herself and the DLO. She didn't know how much longer she could stand hearing Samantha's lilting laugh or stare at Oliver's empty desk.

She pulled out her makeup compact and did a quick check of her under eye area. Finally, the puffiness had disappeared and thanks to her earlier eye drops, the redness was completely gone. She walked back to the lab area and leaned around the door jamb, hoping for a breezy, unremarkable interaction. "I found a lead on the coin I'm going to check out."

Samantha's eyes glowed as she glanced from Shane to Rita and Norman then back. "Oh, that's great news! Hey, we're pretty good here, do you mind if I come with you? I'd love to see how you do your investigations."

Shane bit her lip. She hadn't considered that possibility. Thinking fast and praying for once she could lie with some confidence, she said, "Oh, ah. I think there will be plenty of opportunities next week for field work. And besides, I'm sure you would want Oliver to be there. You know … see him in action."

Shane cringed at the awkward tone, and Rita's brow furrowed. She shot a concerned glance toward Norman and opened her mouth to respond, but Shane waved her off. "It'll probably take most of the rest of the day what with the traffic. So I'll just see you all tomorrow."

"Oh-kay." Rita pushed her glasses back over her ears as Samantha and Norman returned to their discussion of Norman Dorman's Revelation Serum. She stepped around the table, but before she could say anything more, Shane turned on her heel, grabbed the coin, her purse and coat, and hurried out the door.

##

The Denver collector had recognized the coin immediately and pulled out his sales slips for the buyer's name and address. Relief filled his voice as he recounted the story of the sale and the buyer's multiple calls over the past few months. The coin had been pawned earlier that year by his ex-wife and was the missing piece of his grandfather's complete collection of the series.

Satisfied another unattached item would be successfully delivered, Shane waved to the collector and headed out to her car. After clicking her seatbelt into place, she tugged back her sleeve and checked the time. One o'clock. She glanced to the coin where it lay on the passenger seat. She should go back to the DLO and send it on. Duty before personal and all that.

But her stomach twisted. When she returned, she wouldn't be able to duck Rita's concern. And Samantha and probably even Oliver would be there, well, depending on how long his meetings lasted. She wouldn't hold up under Rita's scrutiny, Samantha's southern manners, or Oliver's physical distance.

Shane stared out through the windshield, eyes unfocusing as she once again searched for peace in the whirling storm. She'd asked God for it over and over, but so far he hadn't supplied it. But maybe … that was because she needed to go find it? Go back to where she'd found it twice before? Out of options and desperate for an end to the emotional upheaval, Shane pressed the button in her car, the engine roaring to life, and she headed to the Berkley Park Church.

##

Thirty minutes later, she pulled open the church's heavy wooden door and peeked inside. Empty. She almost sobbed her relief. She could sit here once again, give everything over to God in the sacred and private space, and then finally have peace.

She made her way to the O'Toole family pew, leaving Oliver's usual space empty, and eased down onto the cushion. But despite the stillness and peace that surrounded her, the whirl inside her only grew in intensity and size, tumbling and twisting until she had no idea what was up, down, or even sideways.

She'd been able to release both Alex and her marriage with Oliver to God here, and found incredible peace. But this time, the words to give whatever this was to him couldn't form. There was no peace to find. A sob broke through her lips as tears spilled unchecked down her cheeks. She stared at the silver cross on the altar, desperation soaking her cry. "What is going on, God? Why won't you take it this time?"

Movement by the double doors up front caught her eye through the tears. She blew out a frustrated breath. Now there was not only no peace, but there would be no privacy. She swiped at her cheeks as the doors opened fully and Rachel, Pastor Greg's wife, stepped inside. Catching sight of Shane, she raised her hand in a small wave.

Shane licked her lips and tried to find a smile, but all that came was another sob.

Empathy filled Rachel's gaze as she made her way to the pew in silence. She studied Shane for a moment, then nodded and eased down beside her in Oliver's spot. She wrapped an arm around Shane's shoulders and simply waited in the quiet. Her sweet, simple assurance broke the dam on Shane's frayed control, and the whole story fell from her lips seemingly on one breath.

Oliver. Samantha. Daniel. Darby.

As the words, the fears, faded into the quiet around them, Rachel squeezed Shane's shoulders then released them to lean down and grab the box of tissues on the floor. Shane pulled out two with a watery smile, dabbed her eyes, and blew her nose.

Eyes filled with compassion, Rachel murmured, "You had a devastating experience. One that altered how you saw yourself. And how you believed men saw you. When faced with what seemed to be a similar situation, your heart couldn't help but go right to that fear." She paused and squeezed Shane's hand. "No matter how much you know Oliver loves you."

Shane lifted her eyes to the ceiling, willing another round of tears away. "I don't know what to do, Rachel. I gave my sister and my marriage to God and found peace. I want to give all of this to him. But I can't find the words, and it only feels like everything's getting worse."

Rachel patted her arm with an answering smile, then turned to stare at the cross. After a moment, she looked over, promise gleaming from her eyes. "God is faithful, Shane. And he loves you."

"So why won't he take this away?"

Rachel's gaze softened as she again wrapped Shane up in a side hug. "Sometimes God will still the storm. And other times … he'll walk through it with us. It sounds like this is one he wants to walk you through."

Shane closed her eyes. Is that it? Do you want to walk through this with me? Gently, sweetly, something warmed in her heart. Maybe Rachel was right.

Rachel squeezed Shane's shoulder again then released her. Shane glanced over and read the assurance in her gaze.

"You need to talk with Oliver, find out what's going on in his head. Tell him what's going on in your heart. Until you do, all you're going to do is spin in circles." She paused a moment and offered a supportive smile. "But God will be with you either way."

Shane dropped her gaze to her rings. Could she do this? Could she finally talk this out with Oliver after two days of having no explanations? Shane turned her gaze to the cross on the altar. But, God, I still need words.

Again, warmth wrapped around her heart, and this time a bit of the storm eased. He would help her, just like he promised. Her lips thinned in a watery, but grateful smile. "Thank you."

Rachel smiled then stepped out of the pew. She gripped Shane's hand in a long supportive squeeze. "I'll be praying for you."

Shane nodded and wiped her cheeks. She balled up the soaked tissues in her hand and grabbed her purse. She needed to find Oliver.

##

It was only three o'clock when she sat once again in her car. Oliver would still be at the DLO. She started the engine with every intention of heading back to work. But when she reached the intersection where she would turn right for the Denver main branch or left for home, for some reason, she turned toward home. When she pulled into the garage ten minutes later, she knew why. Oliver's Jag sat parked in its bay.

She closed her eyes and whispered a soft prayer of thanks to God. He knew they had to talk. He also knew the perfect location. Jesus had sent her his helper to guide her home. And somehow, he'd nudged Oliver to alter his schedule and meet her there. Yes, God was definitely walking with her through this.

Overwhelmed by God's love and care, Shane opened the back door and stepped inside. One of Chopin's symphonies danced and lilted from the record player in the living room. She padded down the hall toward the kitchen and found Oliver sitting at the table with an open book and a nearly empty bottle of Yoo-Hoo. He'd even been home for a while. She dropped her keys and purse on the kitchen counter and stood for a moment savoring the peace that suddenly and sweetly surrounded her turmoil.

And then his eyes met hers.

Deep, abiding, life-long love radiated from their blue depths, and Shane shattered. Raising a hand to her lips, she murmured, "I'm sorry, Oliver. I'm so sorry."

He rose from the chair, extending his hand, and pulled her into his arms. With a soft kiss to her temple, he shushed her apologies and whispered, "Tell me, love. Everything."

Shane buried her face in the crook of his neck and took in a deep breath of his cologne. Peace again eased through her and suddenly she found the words she needed. Thank you, God. "You remember that Valentine's Day when I didn't get your card on time?"

His thumb began a soothing swirl against her shoulder as he squeezed her to him. She felt his nod and continued, "And I told you why I didn't like Valentine's Day?"

"Something about crying in the ladies' room, I believe." His words were soft, concerned.

She took in a quick fortifying breath. "It wasn't just what you thought … a bleak assessment of a single woman on the most romantic day of the year. It actually happened. To me."

Oliver kissed her forehead, then stepped back. He searched her eyes for a moment before leading her to the couch, tugging her down beside him, and back into his arms.

Shane slipped her fingers up and down one of his suspenders as the words continued to fall. The whole story of her relationship with Daniel, that awful night at the restaurant, and even how much Samantha apparently reminded her of Darby. "And then when you told me your new rules for how we should behave at work, I thought you were trying to put distance between us so you could get to know Samantha."

Shane cringed as the explanation hung in the air between them. Were these really the best words? They sounded so pitiful, so irrational coming from the lips of a mature and confident married woman. Tears coursed down her cheeks as shame and guilt whipped at her. She had let the past almost destroy her future. "How could I throw everything I know away and believe something completely opposite? It's crazy, it's stupid, it's childish. I know you, Oliver. Know you love me. Know you'll spend forever with me."

Oliver pulled her closer to him and tucked his cheek against her forehead. "Shh, shh, love. I don't blame you. Not a bit. Having my own past issues with people leaving, I completely understand why your heart would go there."

He leaned back and searched her face, that soul-deep love softening his features. "Do you want to know the truth as I see it?"

He paused, giving her time to decide. Did she trust him for the truth? Trust him to erase the hurt that had claimed so much of her heart for so long? Shane closed her eyes in a long, slow blink and nodded. Of all the men in the world, he would tell her the absolute truth. Because he couldn't lie to her. When she opened her eyes, joy and pure unadulterated love gleamed in his gaze. Her heart swelled as hope and peace spilled through the old pain.

"You are, and always will be, the finest woman I have ever known. You are more than I ever could have imagined I would have as a wife, a friend, a partner, a lover. And I do not want to ever experience my life without you as my wife, my friend, my partner, and my lover. There is no other choice for me but you. Forever." He lifted her hand from his suspender and kissed her rings, then lowered his lips to hers, sealing his vow.

Love flooded through her as her lips clung to his in one breathtaking perfect kiss. When he leaned back a moment later, his cheeks wrinkled in a rueful smile. "And I need to apologize to you, Shane."

Through the veil of tears, she watched him, confusion wrinkling her brow. "For what?"

He shook his head as he tugged her into his side. "For many things over these past few days. But to begin with, I am sorry I wasn't more circumspect with my interactions with Samantha." He pressed a kiss against her temple. "I gave no credence to her flirtations—seeing them only as part of her innate character as a southern woman. But for all my talk of appearances, I now realize I failed to recognize that her actions could be construed in a different way by you. And I hurt you. I should have put more distance between us during our interactions, been more cautious with my responses."

Shane watched her fingers slide along the suspender as his apology seeped through the pain and misunderstanding. "I thought you wanted her attention. That you were interested in her. And then, there was all the silence."

"I am sorry for my reticence. I merely thought you needed time to contemplate whatever was going on, and I wanted to respect your space. In the future, I'll ask first before assuming."

She believed him. She did. But still his earlier distance pricked at her. "So what was all that about no physical contact at work?"

Oliver's thumb slid over her cheek, drying the tears that clung to her skin. He took in a quick breath then tilted her head to meet his gaze. Love continued to beam from his gaze. But this time, it mixed with something else. A protectiveness she'd first seen during the search for Gabe and Hattie, the first time he told her he felt it was necessary to keep things between them professional at work.

"Shane, I only ever want to do the right thing by you, by us. I am a gentleman, and a gentleman's first duty is to protect his lady, not only physically but also socially. To shield her from situations and talk that might bring her virtue or reputation into question or cause her distress."

His lips firmed as irritation flashed through his eyes. "I truly could not abide your being the subject of idle talk and gossip, and I thought the best way to curtail it was to not provide any fodder for that talk and gossip." He searched her face as sorrow and remorse filled his gaze. "I now see it was horribly hurtful. And not only that, I should have discussed it with you rather than … pulling rank … and making a unilateral decision. Please forgive me."

Her heart melted. Of course, protection would have been his motive. For all of his past hurts and the complications they created in his relationships, he was at his core a simple man who followed a simple code. And it was the code of the gentleman.

She leaned up and pressed her lips to his, pouring all of her love and forgiveness into her kiss. He was such a good man and driven by such good intentions. How could she not forgive him when he fell short of his own high standards?

She pulled back a moment later and traced the line of his jaw. Savoring the simple freedom to touch him and tell him without words how much she loved him.

As her fingers traced his lips, he kissed the soft pads. "And as for prioritizing the training schedule over our personal time, you were right. Being asked to mentor and train a new DLO team leader is a coup, an honor. I wanted to ensure Becky's honor and trust wasn't misplaced and do my best to establish that team well from the beginning, especially given the limited amount of time we had available."

That made sense too. Oliver had always encouraged and expected his team to be better. That ideal would be even more paramount with the expansion of Becky's special project. "So, speaking of time … the fifteen-minute time limit?" Her brows lifted as teasing adoration laced the question.

Oliver's lips parted as he searched for an explanation. "Well, I thought that would still give us an opportunity to enjoy being together in the mornings but minimize the comments by our coworkers."

Shane closed her eyes and tucked her forehead against his cheek as a grin crawled across her lips. "Killing two birds with one stone then."

He nodded once. "If you like."

Shane chuckled as she pressed a kiss to his jaw. He was such a practical man for a believer in miracles. Tucking her head on his shoulder, she suggested, "How about we set an alarm clock instead?"

Oliver squeezed her to him as his words warmed with appreciation. "That's an acceptable compromise. I'll set it this evening. What time would you like?"

Shane nuzzled her cheek against his chest. "Early. And feel free to wake me."

"Of course." Oliver's hand drifted along her arm in long lulling strokes. A few minutes later, he paused his caress and gave her a soft squeeze. "There is another matter to discuss."

Shane's brow flickered, and she inadvertently stiffened. Oliver soothed his thumb around her shoulder, and the tension eased. Whatever that matter was, it would be okay. They would face it together. "And that is?"

"Our newest comrade in postal service."

Shane's lips twitched, loving his sweet consideration in opening what could still be a painful topic. "You mean Samantha."

She felt his nod. "She has another week of training … unless there is a reason it needs to be shortened."

Shane closed her eyes as she absorbed his subtle offer to break his duty over personal rule for her. She gingerly searched her heart. The deep wound that had latched onto Samantha and pulled her into the past devastation no longer whirled, no longer tumbled, and no longer raged. Instead, it rested, soothed by Oliver's earlier words of love and God's peace. A peace that truly passed understanding. Wow.

She took in a long, cleansing breath then blew it out slowly, and the peace inside her seemed to grow. "No. It's fine … I'm fine."

Oliver pulled her deeper into his embrace and tucked his cheek on her head. "I am very pleased to hear it."