"Okay, now what do we do about Donnie?" If I keep worrying like this then I'll get that ugly crevasse in between my brows like Raph, which wouldn't be cool, but how do I not when we never get a break?

"Well, we know D. We can't get all "in our feels" or else he'll shut off. We need to think logically and act rationally about this." Before I can open my mouth Leo cuts me off," Yes Michael, that means no Dr. Feels." Ugh why noooooo- "Because I said so." Wait... Can Leo read my mind? I squint my eyes and rub my temples, straining my body trying to find that same connection. "Sorry, only much more handsome, awesome, and fashionably advanced brothers can do that." WHAT

"GET OUT OF MY MIND!" I run around the living room before burying my head in pillows. This'll stop his telekinesis; I saw it in an episode of "Aliens Among Us" and they said that it works. I'm so proud of remembering this I miss the beginning of what Raph starts saying.

"-he needs to know that we love him and we just worry."

"Bro- you know who you're talking about right? I mean co-ho-ho-me on! When's the last time you even see him cry? Especially with how he is, I just don't think emotionally appealing to him will work. No. We need to do something fact-based and informed... I say we go into his lab and see what he's been doing in there." My eyes get so wide and I have to look at Raph to make sure I heard him right.

"Are you sure you know who you're talking about? He'd KILL us if he knew we went snooping around in there." I nod in agreement. I'm NOT going to go in there unless Donnie says it's ok. Dr. Feels recommends setting boundaries and respecting other's when they have them.

"Well I'm not sure what else we can do. I'm tellin ya, he won't tell us anything unless we go find out ourselves." My eyes stay glued to Raph. The transfer of leadership wasn't that long ago, so at this point both Leo and Raph just discuss plans together and then Leo tells us what the decision is. By "us" I mean me and D. Thinking about him makes my chest almost feel... heavy. It's true, he has been shut off since we got home. He didn't even tell Leo or Raph how he gained control of the ship to make it go through the portal during the invasion. I tried to talk to him, but every time I was welcomed into his lab (the only times being the first few days of "quiet" we got to rest before going back to training) it was almost like he couldn't talk at all. All I got were nods and thumbs-up when I'd show him my art I'd make while he worked. After that, one day I just wasn't allowed back in, and he almost never left. Maybe that has something to do with it...

"-and that's why we should-"

"Hey guys?" Sorry, Raph. They both turn to look at me. "I think this has something to do with the invasion." Blue and red look at each other for a moment. All of a sudden, Leo laughs.

"You think? Okay, okay, really though, what do you think we should do?" He half-laughs and wipes a tear from his eye. I definitely could have explained that better.

"No, no, like what happened when we were separated. When D got control of the ship, it wasn't just a control panel or something, it was like... squid arms and goop." Raph stares at me.

"Goop?" I nod my head. "Can you... explain or something?"

"Oh yeah, well, when we got done fighting the little brain dude, we went up to where the ship was controlled and he had to... get sucked up by it to become "one with the ship" or something. To get a good connection he made me take off his battle shell." There's silence for a moment.

"He took off his battle shell and got sucked... into the ship?" I nod. It's bad when Donnie takes off his battle shell in a fight. He's left vulnerable and all of us were taught at a young age that he needed to be protected if he ever lost it while we were cornered. Even I had to force myself to do it in the moment, going against my instincts. I really wish I could have been the one to go in instead of him.

"Hey Leo?"

"Yeah Raph?"

"We're going in Donnie's room." At this point I can't fight it, and I get up to follow them as they snake their way through our less-than-neat-living room to the door that we haven't seen open in almost weeks. Raph is the one to reach forward and turn the silver knob that was shown off so much once it was installed. D was so proud to finally have a way of stopping us from ruining his concentration after having nothing but a curtain block us from his view for so long. It feels like almost yesterday we could just walk in and make sure he was getting enough sleep and food. I wish it was still like that. Maybe after this we can get him to put it back. I know he wouldn't.

The door opens with a small creak and I feel my face scrunch up. This almost feels forbidden to come in here without him there to let us in. I think Leo has the same thought because his face looks just as uncomfortable, but with me in the middle, our turtle line makes its way through the small entrance and into the large room full of electronics. It takes my eyes a second to adjust to the lack of light the rest of our home provides, but when they do, I can't shut my mouth shut. This place is wrecked.

"What the fuck happened in here?" Raph walks over to a pile in the corner full of broken beakers, tools, and experiments. Part of me has to make sure what I'm seeing is right. It looks like an almost identical version of S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. but parts and bits all over the floor. The shell and head eerily disturbing to see just sitting lifeless on the ground. Leo moves a paper behind me, and I see him at our brother's desk and stepping on a pile of schematics and blueprints. Taking a closer look, some of these invention ideas don't even make sense. One reads "Dark Dimension Opening" and another "Masks with built in floaties". This isn't the normal things I could see my brother making. Oh, D. What have you been doing in here? I take a moment to take everything in and notice something on the far left of his desk. It was a copy of the same picture Leo came out of the portal with along with another frame displaying the picture we took together afterwards. It's almost funny, he never keeps "sentimental" things like this, trusting his big brain to remember important moments and images. Why would you keep something like that now?

It almost feels like I have more questions now than answers, and as I dig through papers and stacks of poorly drawn images on paper, I come across something hard and thicker than everything else just pushed in a back corner of his drawer. "Hey guys, I think I found something." I feel both of them surround me as I pull up a purple hard cover notebook, and the first thing I notice is his name spelled so neatly in cursive on the cover. Its preciseness gives me a feeling of warmth on my insides, the letters so in uniform and perfectly measured across the center of the cover. Now, this is the Donatello I know, not whatever this other stuff is. I turn around before opening it.

"I think this is important, but I don't know if we should open it." Leo snatches it out of my hand and flips open the first page. "Hey! That could be personal! Don't read it!" I try to take the book from his hands but he hops on top of Raph's shoulders and raises the book even higher than he already is. As I'm jumping with no luck of getting the book, both of them look upwards while Leo goes through the pages.

We see years of thoughts and feelings written down with dates neatly put at the top right-hand side. None of us speak, almost because we all simultaneously feel as though this look into Purple's thought process on the world and his ability to communicate that to us will disappear as quickly as the small opportunities he shows us in real life. This is the first time even I've seen so much expressiveness from him. The way he describes being happy one day and sad the next, the ups and downs of dealing with his disability, and even the day Shredder attacked. My heart breaks at how confused it seems he his, sad at his son dying to the talons that ripped through every piece of hard work he ever created and was proud of, and happy we were alive. Almost like he was trying to convince himself he's selfish if he was anything but appreciative we came out ok even if it took his life's work to be destroyed.

Pages fly by after, everything seeming about as normal until a hard stop is made as leo takes a moment to take in this next section.

"Raph. Do you see what I'm seeing?" He looks down and moves the book so I can see better as well. I can barely make out the words they're so small, but the pictures make me freeze. They're drawn almost like a child; rushed and without precision. It was like the rest of the papers at his desk, but this time they were pictures of the kraang. It showed Donnie stuck in the "brain" of the ship with me being cornered by the smaller enemy we thought we knocked down before he actually went in when we fought in real life. It showed a picture of Raphael, still under control of the Kraang and full of unbridled rage, with Leon in his grasp. It was then I notice everything is labeled by time stamp. How does he know when all of this was happening? We were so concentrated on not dying, it's impossible. Lastly, it showed us when we were on the building post-ship destroying, but there's no Donnie the same as there was no Blue. I wondered why.

"Everything looks so rushed but so understandable. How did he manage to get everything right but so unlike himself?" Red speaks out loud. A page turn and we all gasp. The whole page is scribbled in charcoal, the same he uses to draw out plans but unlike the pen he seemed to write in every other documented portion of his "diary".

Any other time this would be funny. Why can't we have one day to just feel like normal?

Because this time you've all been through trauma. You know he can't express himself with spoken words, maybe this is the only way he's been able to cope.

I'm right, of course. All over the paper is the same few words.

"Dead".

"Worthless".

"WORK HARDER".

I shake my head. I don't know what's going on or how we can help, but I'm finally able to snatch the book out of Blue's hand and put it back where I find it. "We shouldn't have invaded his privacy". My face is hot and I feel my eyes fill with tears, but I refuse to turn my head to look at them.

"Mikey, we had no choice, he wouldn't tell us otherwise. You see how this room is, he's been in here for days without even coming out for food and you expect us to not see why? I mean, he's been destroying his own things and doing whatever that was, who knows how much he needs help right now?" I know he's right, but the only thing I can think of right now is how much I just want to go to my favorite brother's room and give him the biggest hug and then fall asleep. No crazy Donnie, no Kraang invasion, no more confusion and nightmares. I just want my normal family back before all of this shit happened. It's almost too much seeing how everyone's been since we entered the lair again from the world almost ending.

"I know. You guys can do what you want, I'm going to help him my way." I try to say in my "tough Mikey" voice before walking out the lab, still not turning to face them with snot dripping from my nose and tears going down my cheeks. I break into almost a sprint to get to my room, but not before stopping in front of D's room, looking at him from the crack in the door. I'll help you feel better. It'll be okay and you'll be happy in your not-happy way again. I promise. I love you. He slightly moves in his sleep, gripping his pillow even tighter than before, his face looking like he was confused, and I almost dared to go in to see if he needed anything before his body settled into his bed again. I really, really promise. I think one more time before leaving from my spot and entering my room next door, closing the weathered wood behind me, and crashing on my bed.

Don't cry now. Your brothers need you, Michaelangelo. You have to be happy for them, or else they won't be for themselves. Don't cry. Don't cry. I can't help but let out a sob. Maybe tonight will be the last night I cry myself to sleep. Maybe my dreams won't involve my brother dying. Maybe this time my powers will be strong enough to save everyone. Maybe.