Friends from Strange Places
Harry Potter goes to a support group for those that didn't stay dead.
AN: Spoilers galore for major character deaths in many shows/movies/books, scroll to the end for a full list.
Harry stared at the door with a furrowed brow. There were two signs. One said "Private: Personnel Only" and another "Welcome."
He was there because of Hermione. She had been bugging him for months, ever since the final battle, to talk. To talk about his feelings. About what he went through. To grieve.
He turned down the self-help books, the list of therapists, and pamphlets for support groups. Then last week he saw a sign posted outside the Sainsbury he frequented.
Died? But it didn't stick? Join us! (Vampires and Zombies excluded).
He thought it was a joke and took it down to show his friends. But then Hermione couldn't read it, nor could Ron. Or anyone else he showed it to. He had always been too curious for his own good so he noted the date and time. Second Wednesday of the Month, 7PM. In the basement of a pub near the National Gallery.
He looked back the way he came in, wondering if the directions he was given by the bartender were wrong. Before he could make up his mind, the door opened.
"...spend-a-penny before…." It was a rather short heavy set woman wearing summer florals, though it was late December. "Hello, dear, do come in." She held the door wide open and waved him in.
"Is this…" Harry trailed off.
"Nathan is standing by the coffee, you can check-in with him." And then she was gone.
With nothing else to do, Harry stepped into the stark white room. There was a circle of brown metal folding chairs in the middle, a bookshelf on its last legs in the right corner and a long white plastic table in the back left corner with a large coffee dispenser and trays of biscuits. He approached the man with caution.
"Are you Nathan?" he asked.
"Yes, here sign this." The man thrust a sheet of paper and a biro at him.
Harry took the items and read the form. It was a non-disclosure agreement. He read through it carefully. It was pretty basic. Harry could not speak to anyone not in attendance about anything discussed during the meeting. He printed his name as demanded by the form in the designated space and returned the sheet to Nathan. But a hand shot out intercepting it. It startled Harry and he almost cursed the hand but stopped himself. The hand belonged to the little old lady. "Yes?"
She took the form and read the name. "Hello, Harry Potter."
"Hello, ma'am."
"Respectful, I like that. Maybe you can learn some manners from him, Nathan."
"Umm…" Harry wanted to point out that snatching things that weren't handed to her was actually rude but kept silent.
"Drop dead, Gladys." Nathan responded and took the form from her while sipping from a paper cup.
"You wish." Harry was very confused by the duo. He fiddled with his glasses not knowing what to say. "Come sit with me, dear." Gladys patted his arm and led him to the circle of chairs. "Now…" but at that moment the door to the room opened and several people entered, all talking rather loudly. "We'll catch up after, then. You better grab a biscuit before they're all gone."
It took ten minutes for coffee and biscuits to be gathered. Once everyone was sitting down, Nathan spoke up.
"Thank you everyone for coming. Today we have a first timer, so let's go around and introduce ourselves. My name is Nathan, I run these meetings because I am forced to."
"Now, now, Nathan, you can sign your 21B and get out of this." Gladys admonished.
"They do this every time." Harry turned to the left. The voice belonged to a young woman. "I'm Buffy Summers, what's your name newbie?"
"Harry Potter."
"Nice to meet you." She offered her hand and he shook it.
"Thanks."
"What's a 21B?" Harry asked.
"Come on, I need another cookie," she stood up.
"Are we allowed? Isn't Nathan about to start?" Harry looked to Nathan and Gladys who were still arguing. The rest of the group had taken that as a hint to break up into groups of two and three to talk.
"Don't sweat it." He followed her to the coffee table. "I'll give you the 411."
"What's a 411?"
"Urgh you Brits," she shoved a chocolate biscuit in her mouth and finished eating it before talking again. "It means I'm going to tell you about everyone. So pay attention."
"Alright."
"You met Nathan. He's the moderator because when he died he refused to sign his 21B. In his universe…"
"His universe?"
"Yeah, we're from different worlds. Didn't you read the warning?"
"I didn't see any." Harry took out the folded meeting sign which he had stored in his back pocket. He unfolded it and at the bottom in bold red lettering was a note. Temporal Displacement Warning. See previous. "That's not a real warning. And it wasn't there before."
"Well you were myth-taken. Moving on. Where Nathan is from there is a Celestial Bureaucracy and all dead people have to sign an acknowledgement of death and waiver of liability, that's the 21B. He refused."
"What happened then?"
"He got sent back to his life. Though the bureaucrats kept trying to trick him into signing the form because without it he can't move on. He complains a lot about them, so I tuned him out. Not sure what happened before he got sent here, because again, he's a real downer."
"Right." Harry didn't know what to say.
"Let's see. Gladys, the old lady, well she spent a couple years reincarnated as a 1928 Porter."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Totally crazy right. She spent most of her time running away from some thin-mustached car collector. But she got to spend time with her son so she dealt with it." Buffy ate another biscuit.
"Wait, she was an actual car?"
"Yeah, her universe is totally weird. Now she…actually I don't know what she's up to now because she either knits or annoys Nathan. Sometimes at the same time."
"Do they argue often?"
"Oh yeah, like all the time. Who knows, she might be a bureaucrat sent to annoy him into compliance."
"Maybe."
"Then over there is Doctor Strange and Too-Much-Coffee-Man. They like to go on and on about the meaning of everything, if you need a sleeping aid then talk to them."
"You're making their names up, aren't you?"
"Nope, stake my heart. That's Dr. Stephen Strange, real name. Where is from he was killed on Earth-9997, whatever that means. He could astral project before dying so he used that ability to travel through Death's Realm."
"And the coffee man?" Harry observed what looked to be a man wearing red long-johns, the old-fashioned ones that were full-bodied with a button opening on the bum. He also seemed to be wearing a large mug atop his head.
"He gets superpowers from coffee. And keeps killing himself due to nerve damage and lack of sleep."
"Is that cup attached to his head?"
"I'm not sure actually. He starts rambling about the state of the world instead of answering any direct questions."
"I'm surprised he's not over here then, where the coffee is."
"Ah, he doesn't like whatever stuff Nathan gets. He makes in own and only drinks that. He lectures us about it every couple of meetings."
"I suppose that with a name like his, he would provide his own drink."
"Over there are Sam and Dean, they're brothers. They're super cool, they hunt demons and witches."
"What's wrong with witches?" Harry was offended.
"In their universe witches get their powers from making deals with the devil, I think. They hurt innocent people and try to end the world a lot. They explained it all once but I got bored and stopped listening. I sorta get it though, I mean, one of my best friends is a witch and when she first started she caused all sorts of problems. Not including the time she brought me back from the dead when I wanted to stay dead."
"Oh. Sorry about that."
"It's cool, water under the bridge and all that."
"Who are they talking to?"
"Jon, now his universe confuses me and everyone else. It's a like a never-ending saga. You'd have to ask yourself. But there is a lot of a scheming, violence, and sex, so at least it has its entertainment factors. He was stabbed to death and hasn't gotten over it."
"I'll pass, thanks."
"Let's see, the dude with the white hair alone in the corner is Kakashi. He's some type of ninja, like real-life ninja which is totally cool. He doesn't talk much. Though one time he hit Too-Much-Coffee-Man with a bolt of lighting when he wouldn't shut up about how decaf coffee is really sad water and should be banded. It was hilarious."
"I'll stay clear of him too then."
"Um, oh that's Ash and Craig."
"Ash looks about my age, I didn't think anyone here would be that young."
"Yeah, he's eighteen. His world is super cool though. I want my own Blaziken, his martial arts and fire skills would totally come in handy during patrols."
"What is a Blaziken?"
"It's a Pokémon."
"Like the cartoon?"
"Oh my god, are Pokémon a thing in your universe?"
"I mean, they're not real living creatures, but I know it's a popular cartoon show in England. I don't know much about it though."
"You have to bring me merch from your world. There has to be plushies. I demand soft cuddly things!" She pulled on his arm continuously as she begged.
"Okay. I'll see what I can do."
"Yay! Thanks Harry." Buffy stopped pulling his arm.
"So Ash is my age? That sucks."
"Yeah, he was killed and his body and soul were sent on but he was then resurrected."
"And the other guy?"
"Poor Craig, he can't die at all. Some death-god thingy cursed him after killing off his entire family. Which is just mean."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Well. At least that's what it seems like to me. In his world there are humans that have evolved and have superpowers called mutants."
"And that's what he is?"
"Kind of, he's actually the last step in that world's human evolution. He evolved past death."
"So he'll be around until his entire universe ends?"
"Yeah."
"Wow. That sounds really lonely."
"I know, right."
"That's horrible."
"Urgh, that got me down. I don't like being sad."
"Sorry."
"It's not you dude, we've all died. It's not a happy thing. Usually, unless it's evil. If it's evil then it's a happy thing if it's dead."
"I agree with that. Umm, who's the old man sleeping in the corner?"
"That's Jack. He drank toilet cleaner and died for a bit. I don't think he's supposed to be here but no one wants to tell him not to come. Just don't wake him up. He mostly yells when he's awake. And demands a drink."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"So Harry, how did you die but not stay dead?"
"I guess the short answer is that I had a piece of an evil wizard's soul stuck in my head, so when he went to kill me, it was that soul that moved on and not mine."
"Huh, that's new. Is that common where you're from? Having extra bits of souls?"
"No, I'm unfortunately special in that regard as far as I know. What about you?"
"Let's sit." The duo sat on the stiff metal chairs. "I've died a lot of times actually. It's gotten pretty old. I mean, my heart stopped a couple times but even normal humans can come back from that. The first time I died willingly was to save my sister."
"Wow. That's amazing. You don't have to continue if it's too difficult."
"No, it's cool. That's what this whole group is about. Supporting each other through our death." She took a deep breathe. "It's a really, really long story. But basically there was a demon portal that was causing all sorts of bad. She was going to sacrifice herself to close it. She is super special in my universe. Literally one of a kind. And even though I had only known her for a little while in real time; I had memories of her since she was born but they weren't real. Implanted memories so I would protect her. But I agreed to it, just didn't have the memory of doing that. It's confusing."
"I think I can follow. You were tasked to protect her and she was inserted into your life as someone you would protect."
"Exactly. Dawn is my little sister and it's my job to protect her. It was her blood that could close the portal. But her blood was also mine. The stupid monks that created her body used my blood. No one thought about what that meant. But I did." She blinked away tears.
Harry quickly got her a napkin and another chocolate biscuit. "Here."
"Thanks." She dabbed her eyes and nibbled on the biscuit.
"When I was fourteen the same evil wizard that killed me, he got a new body using a ritual with my blood. Though your end result was a lot better. I wish I had gotten a little sister out of it instead of an insane Dark Lord trying to take over the world."
Buffy laughed. "Yeah, I didn't get a bad deal."
"What happened?"
"I jumped through the portal. Sacrificed myself in her place. I save her. I saved the world."
"That's amazing. I thought I was the only one. I'm glad I came."
"Me too. Actually, my portal-jumping-sacrifice move is what bonded me and Ash. His Pikachu jumped through a portal to save him." She looked over at Ash and gave him a wave. He smiled and waved back.
"Dying in the place of another."
She nodded. "I didn't care where Dawn came from or what she really was. I couldn't let her die."
"My mother did that for me when I was a baby."
"Really?"
"Yes. Same evil wizard. She stood in front of him. Gave her life for mine. And then several months ago I did it too. I stood in front of him and let him kill me so that my friends could have a future."
"We died for the same reason."
"We made the same choice."
"It wasn't a choice."
"No, it really wasn't."
"I was dead for like five months."
"Seriously? I didn't stay that long. Minutes at most."
"Five months! Then Willow, that's the witch friend I mentioned earlier, yanked me back."
"Why did she do it?"
"She thought she was helping. She thought my soul was stuck in hell because I had died closing the demon portal."
"But you weren't."
"No." She whispered. "It wasn't the first or last time I died, but it was the worst."
Suddenly a very loud "DRINK" was delivered by an awoken Jack. Harry watched as one of the others slipped the man a flask which promptly shut him up.
"Thank you, Dean." Nathan spoke as he took his seat again. Everyone else followed. "Now does anyone have any book recommendations?"
"Oooo what about 'Candide'?" offered Gladys. "Everyone in it dies and comes back."
"You shouldn't ruin the ending, Mrs. Crabtree." Chastised Dr. Strange.
"I don't like Voltaire much," added Sam.
"Voltaire, hair. I'd rather learn about hair." Too-Much-Coffee declared.
"Anyone else?" Nathan ignores the hairless man.
"What about 'Discworld', it's about vampires." This came from Ash.
"I veto anything with vampires." Said Buffy. "I get enough of that at home."
"Have you read it?" asked Sam.
"Yes," Ash said. "Their resurrection method is interesting. They…"
"Don't ruin the plot." Whined Sam. "I finished 'Neverwhere' a couple of days ago and wouldn't dare tell you the ending."
"Are we ever going to read a book that's not about death?" complained Dean. "What about sport bike maintenance manuals for Korean scooters with model years between 2000 and 2006?"
"You might be on your own with that one," said Sam and patted his brother on the shoulder.
"Well, dear, it's not part of the theme we're going for," chimed Gladys. "We've done 'Misery' by Stephen King, 'Villains by Necessity' by Eve Forward…"
"I liked that one," said Jon.
"You would," said Ash.
"Pick a book newbie." It was a command. It came from Kakashi. The group looked at each other in surprise as he didn't usually speak.
Harry shifted in his seat. "My friend Hermione got me 'The Wheel of Time' for Christmas, I was going to start it soon."
"Great, we'll all read that. Let's say for February's meeting? That gives everyone two months to finish it but we'll still meet next month as usual."
The meeting continued for another twenty minutes, mostly it was Gladys and Nathan bickering and everyone else having their own conversations.
"Say, how good are you with vampires?" Buffy asked.
"I mean, I don't discriminate."
"What about one that tries to eat people?"
"UV light and a match?"
"Good answer."
"Why do you ask?"
"I patrol my town at night, it's a magnet for evil."
"Sounds like you should move."
Buffy laughed. "It's my job to protect the innocent."
"Very noble."
"Wanna come with?"
"Can we do that? Go across time and space?"
"Yup. One of the perks of not staying dead."
"What are the others?"
"I'll tell you on the way."
THE END
Characters:
-Harry Potter is from book series with the same name.
-Nathan Hayes is from the book "You Are Dead (Sign Here Please)."
-Gladys Crabtree is from the TV show "My Mother the Car."
-Buffy Summers from the TV show and comic "Buffy the Vampire Slayer".
-Doctor Strange from the comic of the same name.
-Too-Much-Coffee Man from the comics of the same name,
-Sam and Dean Winchester are from the TV show "Supernatural".
-Jon Snow is from the books/TV show "Game of Thrones".
-Kakashi Hatake is from tv show/comic "Naruto".
-Ash Ketchum from game/manga/tv show "Pokémon".
-Craig Hollis is Mr. Immortal from the comic with the same name.
-Father Jack is from the TV show "Father Ted".
Books mentioned:
-Candide by Voltaire
-Discworld by Terry Prachett
-Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman
-Misery by Stephen King
-Villains by Necessity by Eve Forward
-The Wheel of Time by Robert Jordan