Chapter one: I don't feel so hot
Julian Bashir had just gotten out of work to have lunch with his pal Garak one afternoon at Quark's bar. "Hey, sexy." said Garak as Bashir approached the table, to which Julian replied "Don't call me that ever again." He then sat down and gave Garak the gruesome details of the ass job he had just given to Morn before he came to lunch. Quark then walked over to their table to take their orders.
"What'll you have?" he asked Bashir, "I'll have a large glass of syrup of squill, and a deep fried triple bacon cheeseburger." Once he finished writing down Bashir's order, Quark then turned to Garak and asked "And what do you want?", "I'll have a tall glass of canar, and a bowl of hasperat." As soon as Quark finished taking their orders, he scurried off to the kitchen, shouting "ROOOOM!"
By the time Bashir was halfway through his meal, Garak had already finished his food and was already flagging Quark down for seconds.
"WAAAIIITEEERRR!" he shouted, fists clenched and trembling.
"Take it easy, Garak!" said Bashir.
"Yes?" said Quark as he approached them (secretly walking as slowly as Ferengi possible to annoy Garak haha)
"I want a second bowl of hasperat, and a third refill of canar insert Garak's creepy smile here"
"….. alriigght… hobbles back to the kithen ROOOM!"
"Are you feeling okay? You usually just stare at me whilst I eat and barely touch your food." asked Bashir,
"Well I do feel a little hungrier than usual insert Garaks bewildered expression here"
"Outta my way, coming through!" exclaimed Quark, as he made his way back to Garak and Bashir's table.
"Here's your hasperat. Anything else?"
"No, that's everything."
Quark stumbled back to the kitchen.
"So, what do you think of that ass job I gave Morn this afternoon?" Bashir asked Garak, pointing to Morn, who was seated a few feet behind Garak. Garak turned to take a look at Morn's ass job.
"Hmm, that is a nice ass..." replied Garak, who seemed to be considering getting an ass job himself.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR NEW ASS, MORN?" called Bashir to Morn, who just looked over and spanked his big, round, shiny ass a few times before squeakily wiggling in his seat to let Bashir know he was enjoying it.
"Hey are you going to eat that?" asked Garak, pointing to Bashir's food. But before Bashir could say anything, Garak had already grabbed the food off of his plate.
"Uh, well, I..." stuttered Bashir in shock. Garak had told Bashir the previous day that there was no reason to eat as if he was worried someone would come over and snatch his food. It seemed that Garak was wrong…
Within a minute, Garak had consumed anything edible on their table, and vacuumed any remaining traces of food off the table with his mouth. He then looked at Bashir, who watched him in disgust the whole time.
"… Don't get cheap on me, Bashir..." he said to Bashir, who then begrudgingly slapped ten fake bars of latinum on the bar counter.
On their way out, Quark walked over to the bar, noticed the bars of latinum, picked one up and started crying.
"MY MILLIONTH STRIP OF LATINUM!" he cried… until it crumbled into dussst…
"WHAT THE HELL?!" he exclaimed, as he noticed it was fake. He then noticed all of the bars crumbled to dust.
"HEY!" he yelled to Bashir and Garak, hobbling out of his bar… but they were too far away to notice.
"So, Julian. I wouldn't suppose you would have any open appointments for an ass lift, would you?" asked Garak.
"Well, I could take a look at my schedule for tomorrow. I should be able to squeeze you in for an appointment tomorrow afternoon."
"Excellent… Give me a call tomorrow morning, and let me know if I could come in tomorrow. I'm practically burried in work right now, so I won't be available to answer the phone."
"I will see what I can do. I have to get going now, I'm giving Quark's Mother a boob job in half an hour."
"Alright, then. I'll see you tomorrow, Julian."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
The two parted ways. Quark was still running along the promenade, trying to catch up to them.
"GET BACK HERE!" he shouted, flailing his arms around, as bystanders just stared at him as he was running past them.
Fades to black…
THE FOLLOWING DAY…
Bashir had checked his schedule once he got back to sickbay after lunch. He didn't have any appointments scheduled that afternoon, so he called Garak the following morning… or at least, he tried…
"Hmm, that's odd. Garak is usually a lot more diligent about answering his phone.." Bashir thought to himself. Unless Garak was at Quark's upstairs hookery… that's a different story…
"I've tried to reach him half a dozen times already.. Maybe I should go see if he's alright." Bashir thought to himself (once again), and decided to go to Garak's quarters to make sure he was alright.
"AhhHh, gOOd mORnIng, DoCtOr bAShIR! FaNCy MeeTinG yOu HeRE!" said Odo to Bashir in his usual goofy tone as they passed each other on the promenade. Odo was on his way to open his gift shop/food store, and of course, wearing his trademarked hot pink cape with a matching macaroni hat, which had a big, yellow plume sticking off of the side of the brim that was folded.
"Hello, Odo." Bashir replied hastily, as he didn't want to wind up getting dragged into a conversation. He walked past Garak's shop on his way, but no one was there. In fact, it was still closed. "This can't be good.." he thought.
Once he made his way to the doors to Garak's quarters, he used the doorbell. No response.. He tried it again, and still nothing. He decided if Garak still didn't answer the door, he would bust his way in. Sure enough, when he tried the doorbell a third time, there was still no answer, not even a "GO AWAY! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M ON THE CAN!?".
At this point, Bashir (dramatically and seen from all angles, while high-pitched, energetic free form jazz played out of nowhere) threw himself against the door a few times until it opened (that was easy!).
All the lights were turned off, so he lit a match to see where the nearest light switch was. He heard horrible moaning of what sounded like pain.
"Garak? Where are you?" he called out, but no one answered. He still heard moaning in the distance. He then, after tripping multiple times and knocking over a sofa in the process (a cat also growled/meowed somewhere, although Garak doesn't have a cat) all while holding a lit match, found his way over to Garak's bedroom. The door was closed, but not locked. He opened the door, turned on the light, and found Garak lying on his side with his back turned to Bashir. He looked like he had gained at least fifty pounds. He was tense and moaning, and his stomach was gurgling as if it were making a speech. Bashir ran over to him.
"Garak?! What's wrong? Speak to me!" exclaimed Bashir, but Garak didn't answer. Bashir turned him over on his back. His face was covered in painful, full-to-bursting breakouts, and his eyes were wide open.
"G-Garak?" stuttered Bashir.
"I HAVE PMS!" exclaimed Garak.