Almost forgot about this... I do think I am a bit tired though. Managed to fall asleep for a few minutes after dinner which I think hasn't helped... It's been a busy week even if I feel like I haven't got a lot done.
Anyway. Yes, the title of this is a line from Hurricane Drunk by Florence and the Machine. Yes, that song was playing when I can up with the idea of this fic. No, I don't think this is how I originally thought it would go but here we are.
I hope you enjoy this...
But I Like To Think At Least Things Can't Get Any Worse
I'm going out, I'm going to drink myself to death
And in the crowd, I see you with someone else
I brace myself, because I know it's going to hurt
But I like to think at least things can't get any worse
Rachel would find herself equally cursing and thanking Adam for forcing her to go out to the pub that Friday night.
She hadn't wanted to and it had almost caused another argument between them about how she was constantly working and that he thought that she was getting that she needed to have time to relax and be herself rather than Miss Mason all the time. He also argued that she hadn't been out with the staff since he had been at the school.
Rachel only found herself agreeing because she was too tired to argue. She was too tired to tell him that all she wanted to do was go home with him and spend her evening curled up on the sofa with him while they watched a movie. She just wanted a relaxing evening with Adam to try and wash off some of the stress of the week.
Instead, she found herself in the local, listening to Steph talk about her new life with her boyfriend, watching Chris grimace every time Steph shared something a little too personal.
The problem was that all she wanted to do was close her eyes and imagine that the arm resting on the back of her chair was Eddie's. She wanted to hear his laughter or scoff as Steph tried to say that something completely ridiculous had happened to her. She wanted to hear the passion in his voice as he debated and almost got into arguments with someone over how the school should progress. Or how he would tell Grantly that things had to change whenever Grantly would say something about 'in the good old days'.
It was horrible thinking and Rachel found herself standing up to try and distance herself from the memories.
"Drinks?" She said, trying to keep her voice as level as she could as the memories started to overwhelm them.
The usual suspects requested one, even if Rachel noticed that most of their glasses were half full. There were a couple of others as well and it was just another thing that reminded her of Eddie. Because Eddie could, somehow, always remember the drinks list, effortlessly listing it off to the bartender while all she had to do was pay for them and help carry a couple over.
"Do you need a hand?" Adam asked.
"No. I'll be fine." She said, grabbing her purse before turning to the bar.
She reeled off the drinks that she knew that she wouldn't remember first, muttering them under her breath all the way to the bar, before she said the drinks that she knew well. She found herself closing her eyes and rubbing her hand over them while she waited for the drinks. She needed to decide how much longer she could be strong and stubborn for. She had managed to get to this point in the school year. Exams were starting soon. She could do the whole year, couldn't she? She could do more than that, couldn't she? Because that was what they had decided. She got the school. He got the baby.
"Hey?" Kim said, rubbing a hand down her back as Rachel turned to her. "I thought you might need some help. Are you okay?"
"I don't want to be here, Kim."
"Well, just have this drink and go."
"It's not just that though." Rachel sighed. "It's… weeks like this." She shook her head and dropped her voice to a whisper. "I miss him. So much. And he would know that this is the last place that I would want to be. He would have taken me home and put on a rubbish movie and pulled me onto the sofa, knowing that I wasn't really watching it but also knowing that it was only the start of the weekend and that he had more time to… pull me out of the stress of the week."
"Rachel, are you ever going to be over him?"
"I think you know the answer to that question." She licked her lips. "I do like Adam."
"But he isn't Eddie?"
"No man is ever going to be Eddie. Hence why this is hard. Because I can't escape him."
"You aren't…"
"I don't want to. But how can I stay Kim? Work works because there are lots of distractions. Like Lindsay James. What a distraction that was?! But here. And home. Adam does make things different but… I thought them being different would help. And I know Adam. And he is familiar to me."
"But you know that you can never love him as much as you love Eddie."
"Philip will be the only person that I will love more than Eddie. Obviously for a whole different set of reasons."
The conversation paused as Rachel paid for the drinks, not taking any notice to how much it cost her. She wasn't worried about not being able to afford it because she knew she could do it comfortably. It was more about if certain people were taking advantage of her generosity.
"Quick question," Kim said. "If you did see Eddie again and he asked for a second chance, would you give him one?"
Rachel clenched her jaw, knowing that her heart would scream at her to give him one. Her head would be a little more diplomatic and with her being in a relationship with Adam now, things were a lot more complicated than they once were.
"I don't really think I could, could I?" Rachel said as she turned to Kim.
"Then I wouldn't look over there."
Rachel knew that Kim knew what she was doing when she said that and she found herself turning to where Kim had gestured with her head. Her heart broke all over again when she saw Eddie and Melissa sitting together. How she ever did it the first time around, she would never know. She knew that she should be over it. She should be able to move on. She should be able to put it all behind her.
But it was one of those days when she couldn't.
But she did like to think that at least things couldn't get any worse.
Could they?
The silence between them was stifling.
Eddie, honestly, didn't think things could get any worse but so many things had changed in the last 10 months that sometimes he wondered whether he was dreaming. And if he was, he was having a nightmare.
Unfortunately, his nightmare was his reality.
And he'd had enough of it.
"Just be straight with me," Eddie said between clenched teeth.
"Why should I? When you've done this all behind my back?" Melissa snapped back.
"I only did it behind your back because I knew that you would never have agreed to it."
"That is a given."
"So I am giving you an opportunity to tell me the truth. Not that I know why. I don't think you are capable of telling the truth."
"I know what you are doing. Or are going to do. It won't work."
"I can't understand how you… despise her so much. To do all this."
"What about you?"
"Well, I deserved it slightly. Served me right for ever starting something with you."
The bitterness wasn't something that Eddie wanted between them but it was something that came so easily. Especially as there was no reason to be nice to her. She had taken nearly everything away from him. His job. His house. His new baby. And, worse of all, Rachel.
"She won't take you back," Melissa stated so matter of factly that Eddie couldn't stop himself from laughing.
"Shall we test that?"
Melissa's face dropped as he stood up and started to walk through the pub. He knew that they were here. He knew that she was there. He had seen that they were in their usual spot when he had gone to the bar to get the drinks. And he felt like there was no better time to do it.
"Oh, this is going to be good," Steph said and he couldn't help but agree with her.
And his breath was almost taken away by Rachel as she turned to him. It felt like it had been centuries since he last saw her face. His memories had done her any justice.
He chose to ignore the man sitting next to her, with his arm around her shoulders. Because he hoped that she would be able to make sense of the thing that he couldn't work out.
Eddie knew the look that she was giving him. It was the same one that she had given him when he had talked about knowing about her past. She was silently asking him what he was doing there. And he realised how unprepared he was for this. Although, he didn't think that there was any way to sugarcoat what he needed to say.
"The baby's not mine." He said.
The good thing about Rachel was that she was one of the people that knew him best in the world. The others included his mum and Alison. But he knew that he was the person that knew Rachel best and he could see the flicker of emotions that went across her face. And the one that landed was shock.
"Sorry, what?" Rachel said.
"The baby." He said, reaching into his jacket pocket to give her the evidence (not that he thought that she would need it). "She isn't mine."
He had, briefly, forgotten how publicly he was doing this until he heard Steph say something about getting the popcorn in. His plan had been to drag Rachel to one side and tell her then but he hadn't been able to stop the words from coming out of his mouth and he felt like he could see all the emotions that he went through as she took in the results. He could see the guy next to Rachel trying to peer over her shoulder, with her shielding them away from him for whatever reason.
The shock had definitely turned to anger at that point and he could see that Rachel was having a hard time keeping it in.
"Where is she?" Rachel said.
Eddie peered over his shoulder, thinking that Melissa surely should have caught them up by now but it seemed like she had, for once, made the right decision and tried to stay out of her sister's wrath.
"I thought she was going to follow me," Eddie said as he looked back at her.
Rachel looked back down at the paper in her hands before she finally handed it back to him.
"I'm so sorry." She said.
"What are you apologising for?"
"Because that is the last thing that you needed. And I introduced you two."
He let out a small chuckle. "We aren't going to have that argument again."
"No. We are not." She reached out and grabbed his hand. "Are you okay?"
"I'll live."
The look she gave him told him that she didn't believe him. And with his history, he could see why. But he had sat on this discovery for a while as he attempted to work out the other part. It was only because he couldn't work that part out is why he knew that he had to get Rachel involved. Philip had warned him that it might not be a good idea. Which he assumed had something to do with the guy that was next to her.
There was a hushed whisper of 'he hasn't got a chance now' that Eddie hoped wasn't talking about him. But just to have Rachel back in his life again was enough. It was all that he needed at the moment.
"I had become suspicious," Eddie said. "The dates didn't seem right after she was born as she was two weeks early rather than late. Then I heard her on the phone. To some… Adam."
He had never seen Rachel move so fast as she jumped out of the chair, almost falling against his chest. She turned instantly to the guy and if Eddie thought that something sinister was happening before, her reaction had made things feel miles worse.
"I thought you knew too much," Rachel whispered.
"What?" The guy said. "I didn't realise you had become this suspicious. Or paranoid. Adam is quite a common name."
"No. It was something you said."
"About?"
"Me and Melissa. You said… I thought it was random. When you said something about choosing between me and Melissa. With you saying that you would choose me."
"It was an off-the-cuff comment."
"That came from nowhere."
"Well… Steph told me what happened."
"Don't drag me into this. I have said nothing." Steph almost screeched. "I have a lot more respect for Rachel than that."
"Ruby?"
"I don't even know who that is," Ruby said.
"Kim?"
"Don't." Rachel said before Kim could even open her mouth. "Kim and I have had our differences over the last term but she would be the last one to say anything about this behind my back. Because she knew how much this hurt me. And you said it before you started Waterloo Road. When we were catching up. So stop lying."
"What do you want me to say then?"
Eddie knew that Rachel would take her time to find the right question for what she wanted. She always did. That was how she got the answers that she did. Paring it with a stare that would make anyone talk.
"How much of myself would I have to change to make you happy? To make you think that you had Amanda Fenshaw back? To be the perfect version of me that you thought I was? Just because you had a peek into my life then didn't mean that you saw all of it. It barely scratched the surface. And if I have changed, are you going to recognise why that is?"
The longer the silence went on, the more upset Eddie could see Rachel becoming. He wanted to comfort her but he didn't know how well received it would be. Kim's hand rested on Rachel's arm and it seemed like that was the confirmation that she needed to get out of the situation that he had put her in.
"Good." Rachel said as she grabbed her bag and jacket. "I didn't think I could but this is just… proved it."
"Proved what?" Adam said.
"Proved that I can't trust my own instincts anymore. I was going to give you a chance."
"Oh come on, Rachel."
"Did you drive?" She said as she turned and looked up at Eddie.
"Yeah."
"Come on then. I'll bring your stuff in on Monday, Adam."
Eddie glanced at Adam, knowing that he wanted to argue it. And if it wasn't for the sharp call of his name or the look from Kim that he had better follow her, Eddie was unsure whether he would have done or not.
But he did.
And he didn't really know what had just happened or what the fallout would be.
Rachel didn't really know what she was thinking. There had been too many reveals for her to have any real coherent thoughts.
She remembered how she felt a year ago.
She had been over the moon.
She had never been so happy before.
She had a man that loved and respected her for everything that she was and had been.
And then she had lost him.
To her sister.
Because of a baby.
A baby that she knew she couldn't let Eddie give up. Not with his past.
It had felt like her whole world had been ripped apart that day. It had taken many bottles of wine along with, thankfully, a lot to sort at work with the unexpected merger. There had been a month of working and drinking and worrying Philip about how down she was about the breakup. So much so that he had staged an intervention with Kim, meaning that she got an insight into how much it had hurt her. She had only just managed to pull herself back together for the start of term, only for Max to be the next person to put a challenge in her way. And maybe that was the reason why she almost gave in to him. Because she had become tired of fighting something that she didn't think she was going to win. It would just be another failure. Another thing she had to give up for someone else's happiness.
Eddie might have been back by her side but she didn't know if she actually wanted him there.
It had always sat with her a bit strangely. Their whole relationship had moments where it did just feel weird. Rachel could remember the first morning that she woke up with Eddie beside her. The date had been wonderful as had the sex but in the morning light, she could only think about Melissa and her comment about sex being good therapy. It was clearly Melissa trying to tell her how good Eddie was in bed and it only got worse. Because he was good. But there was still, always, this niggling in the back of her mind, whispering to her that Melissa got there first. That she was having sex with a man that was going to be her brother-in-law. Not that Rachel told Eddie that whenever he noticed that she had zoned out. She would make up some excuse and that would usually be the end of it as Eddie never felt comfortable continuing. Which she should have probably been grateful for.
But the thought that this baby could have been his still hurt. It was enough to bring back all those memories and worse.
Which was probably what made the whole situation worse.
Because things with Adam hadn't felt as right as they did with Eddie but she was willing to accept mediocre sex because it didn't fill her with a weird sense of dread. Now she wondered whether she was actually any better than she was when she was 17. What was the difference between what she was doing now and prostitution? Money changing hands was the only thing that she could think of.
"Rach, I am sorry."
She hadn't realised that she had closed her eyes until she had to open them to see that Eddie had driven her home. This was the place that she wanted to be in the first place. Now she wasn't so sure. She didn't want to be anywhere. Slinking off into the abyss seemed like a good idea.
"You weren't to know." She said dryly.
"Know what?"
"That Adam was sitting next to me."
"Who is he?"
"An old school friend who had a massive crush on me the whole time." She sighed. "God. I actually don't know what has been wrong with me. Because he has been a right… dickhead. Ever since we were reunited. I get it. I won't tell him everything. But… I don't think that he realises that… I'll never be Amanda again. That the carefree days of our youth, that weren't so carefree for me, have gone."
"He might be right. It might not be him."
"Things don't happen by accident, Eddie. Not in my life. Think about it, who would be Adam's biggest rival for my affections?"
"I suppose you are hinting at me."
"Yes. And we were happy, weren't we? Happy enough?"
"Yes."
"Melissa would have seen me as her biggest rival for you. So she hits you with the trump card, I assume not knowing about Stephen and knowing that I wouldn't keep you from the baby…" She trailed off, feeling like she was getting the situation completely right. "She hates me enough."
"Don't say that."
"Well, tell me it isn't true then."
Eddie huffed and Rachel knew that he knew that it was true. There was no disputing it. The fact that Melissa couldn't even face her showed that her little plan had been uncovered and she didn't want to see the fallout from it. And Melissa did hate her enough to take away the best thing that had ever happened to her and replace it with someone so… mediocre.
"I need a drink." Rachel said, opening the car door and leaving the car.
She still hadn't made up her mind whether she wanted Eddie there but left the front door open for him. Maybe it would be cathartic for them both. To rant and rage at each other about the situation. But Rachel knew that even if her heart screamed out to Eddie, there was no way that she could let him back into her life so soon. There were a few things that she needed to sort out before she could even think about letting him back in.
Philip was halfway down the stairs by the time she reached them and she gathered that he saw Eddie at the same time that Eddie saw Philip for the huff that sounded behind her.
"Oh," Philip said, with Ros joining them. "Did you get confirmation then?"
"Yeah. She isn't mine." Eddie said.
"But she might be Adam's." Rachel said. "Although, knowing Melissa, that might just be another lie. I don't quite know whether she knows how to tell the truth."
"Sorry, what's going on?" Ros said.
Rachel shrugged when Philip turned to her and made her way into the kitchen as she heard him start to explain things the best that he could. Her thoughts went instantly back to a drink and grabbed a glass before she poured herself a generous amount of whisky (something that she hadn't been able to drink for months because it reminded her of Eddie).
She knocked back as much as she could of the drink before she topped it back up to where it had been, pointing the bottle towards Eddie to ask him if he wanted one.
"I can't remember the last time I drank whisky," Eddie said.
"I was with you." Rachel said. "Haven't been able to touch the stuff since."
"Rach."
She screwed her eyes closed to try and fight back the tears.
"The last… 10 or so months have been the longest and hardest of my life." She confessed.
"I thought the merger would have helped. I… read all about it."
She looked up at him. "You didn't put Max… freaking Tyler in the equation. Going after my job, trying to undermine me at every opportunity, almost destroying my friendship with Kim. Coming around here and threatening me." Her eyes caught Philip as he rested against the worktop near the kitchen doorway. "Trying to get my own nephew to spy on teachers for him so that he could sack them. Now you and I know that Steph isn't the best teacher in the world but what she lacks in discipline she makes up for in her instincts and… like I couldn't let Max chuck her out of the school. Not after Maxine." She sighed. "That was the one thing that I am glad he never, for some reason, brought up or used against me."
"She almost walked out," Philip said. "Almost gave the school to Tyler."
Rachel shrugged when Eddie turned to her. "I was sick of it. I was sick of fighting for something that I wasn't sure that I even believed in anymore. I didn't have a deputy that I knew I could rely on. Still not sure I can rely on Chris but that might not be all his fault." She raised her glass to take another mouthful of drink. "Definitely shouldn't have slept with him." She mumbled into the glass.
She watched as Eddie's brow knitted together. Other than Adam, the only male that he didn't know sitting around the table in the pub was Chris. And she was sure that he was putting it all together to try and make sense of it.
"What?" Eddie spat out.
"It was a bad day." Rachel said. "A couple of drinks and a punch later."
"Punch?"
"Chris punched Max after he asked me how much I charge a member of staff."
Both Philip and Ros winced at her words.
Eddie smiled. "Did he remind you of someone?"
"He didn't have to do a lot. I was constantly looking for that person even though I knew that they weren't anywhere near."
"I have missed you, Rach."
Rachel knew that there was nothing but sincerity in his words. Like hers. If she could say them. She didn't know whether she actually wanted to say the words. Everything that had just happened had jumbled up her feelings and she didn't know how she should feel.
But then again, maybe she had just said what Eddie had in a different way.
The doorbell wasn't welcomed. And they all stood there, staring at each other, probably hoping whoever it was would go away. But it seemed like they weren't as it sounded again for longer.
"I'll get it," Philip said.
"I don't want to see either of them." Rachel said.
She felt like he already knew that but there was no harm in reiterating the point, Mainly because she wasn't in the mood.
She hadn't been in the mood when Melissa turned up pregnant, but she gathered that then wasn't the time to burn all her bridges. Now, however, things were different. An unplanned pregnancy was one thing. A plan filled with lies and deceit was another. And having Eddie raise a child that wasn't his felt equally as cruel as when Alison refused to let him see Michael.
And she hadn't made up her mind as to what she thought about Adam yet. Other than her wondering whether she had dodged a bullet.
Melissa's voice was distinct enough that Rachel could instantly recognise it. And her inability to take no as an answer was annoying enough in the first place but Rachel would have thought that just by Philip's tone alone, Melissa would have got the message. Although that could have just been because Melissa couldn't read a room when it suited her.
"Rach, I know how this looks," Melissa said.
"But it isn't?" Rachel continued for her, saying it as dryly as she could.
"I already know that you have put two and two together and got five."
"Maybe. Maths was never my strong point."
Rachel hoped that she looked as unimpressed as Melissa did. Not that she thought that it was fair for Melissa to look unimpressed. This was her mess and Rachel was sure that she would probably end up sorting it all out.
"Well, it isn't what you think," Melissa said.
"So you didn't want Eddie and Adam didn't want me. And the only way that you could come up with to get in between us was for you to get pregnant and try and pass it off as Eddie's."
"She is Eddie's."
"Sorry if I believe him over you. At least he has a bit of paper to back up his claims." Rachel paused as she took a sip of her drink. "Now can you leave? I'm not being funny but unless you have something so profound to say that will make me change my mind, I don't want to hear it and, quite frankly, you are the last person I want to talk to or see. Philip did try to tell you that."
"You aren't listening."
"Sorry? I'm not listening?"
Something changed in Melissa's face and Rachel wondered whether she had just noticed how she was feeling. Or maybe Melissa did see the other side of their father eventually and with Rachel looking as pissed off as she did, holding a glass of whiskey, the apparent similarities may have shone out of her. Rachel hated it when people would say how much she looked like her dad. She used to think that if anyone truly knew what he was like, then they wouldn't say that to her.
But maybe he was the way that he was because one event made him snap. Maybe it was their mother's death. Maybe it was the whispers of an affair (whether it was her father or her mother, Rachel never found out). Maybe it was the fact that a strange man used to turn up, asking him for favours. Maybe it was the fact that his first born had been a girl instead of a boy. Because it never seemed like a problem that Melissa was a girl. Only that Rachel was.
"You know where the door is." Rachel said.
"You haven't kicked him out."
"Things with Eddie are a little different."
"How?"
"Because he is an idiot. I am an idiot. We both made mistakes. And I know what you are going to say. That he lied to you or deceived you over his feelings for me. But I don't think that was the case. You have lied and manipulated the situation to make it bend to what you want. I mean, ask Philip how I was over the summer holidays. Ask him how many bottles of wine I drank over those six weeks. Ask him how many times he begged me to drink something that wasn't alcoholic. Ask him about calling Kim because he was so worried about me.
"I have never felt so heartbroken before. The only time that I can think of comparing it to is when I found out that the guy I was going out with when I was 17 wasn't the nice guy that I thought he was. How when he said that he could find me a job that paid a thousand pounds a week, I was naive enough to believe that it was something legit." Rachel scoffed as she watched Melissa, rather childishly, put her hands over her ears. "The whole of Waterloo Road and Rochdale can handle the fact that I was once a prostitute but my own sister still can't."
She looked over at Eddie and she was glad that he hadn't said anything. He had taken his own initiative though, getting himself a glass and pouring out the whiskey. She held out her glass when he silently asked if she wanted more. If anything, just looking at him had calmed her down slightly.
"I never believed them before," Melissa said.
"Believed what?" Rachel said.
"How much like Dad you are."
She was sure that if she possessed the strength, she would have smashed the glass in her hand. And with the mood that she was in, she probably would have enjoyed the fact that it may have cut her hand. The pain of the past haunted her in different ways and it seemed like, that night, she would be haunted by the pain that others had put her through. Both mentally and physically. In fact, it made her tighten her grip around the glass, just to see if she could. And she thought about throwing it across the room and then allowing one of the shards to cut her as she cleared it up. Or she could have tried smashing down on the island. It was strange where her mind went at times.
"How dare you." Rachel said through clenched teeth. "Comparing me to him."
"Well, why not?" Melissa said.
"Melissa, take the hint," Eddie said, clearly understanding where this conversation could go.
"Because if I was anything like our father, I would have reacted way before now." Rachel said. "I would have allowed Eddie to have marched you through the school and out of our lives. I certainly wouldn't have given him up or put him and myself through the heartbreak of it all. On the other hand, your behaviour over all of this reminds me exactly of him. Manipulating things to make it suit you."
"I…" Melissa said before she trailed off. "Do you really want the truth then?"
"From a pathological liar? How can I trust it, Melissa?"
"Mum, she does have a point," Philip said, earning himself a glare.
Rachel wondered whether Melissa had finally got the hint then. That she wasn't wanted and she wasn't going to twist the situation again. She wasn't the one in control. Although, if Rachel was being honest, she didn't really feel like she was in control either. Mainly because she still hadn't worked out how she felt about it all.
The way that Melissa slowly started to back out of the room gave Rachel some confirmation that the truth of some of the lies had been found out. There was no way that Melissa could hide from it. Rachel just hoped that Melissa would stick around to sort it out. Not run off again. She got that she wasn't going to be anything to this little girl (even the thought of her caused a series of weird feelings to rise up in her) but there was a part of Rachel that hoped that Melissa would stop making the same old mistakes and end up taking some responsibility. Because, as much as Rachel didn't want to think about the baby, she didn't think that she deserved to have the same turbulent childhood that Philip had. The one that had caused him to have a hard time fitting in anywhere until he had the chance to properly settle somewhere. That was all Rachel had given him. A stable home life which led to a stable school life.
Rachel did hope that was the end of it. She wanted to drop onto the sofa and empty the bottle of whiskey. There was a part of her that wondered whether she could get Eddie drunk enough, maybe to make it seem like them falling into bed together was a good idea for her to only kick him out in the morning. It wouldn't be fair on him and the type of sex that Rachel could feel herself craving wouldn't be what he would give her. He was too much of a gentleman just to take what he wanted off of her and give her nothing in return. That had been the hardest part of their relationship. But Rachel knew that was her problem. A conditioning that had only come about because of the way she had been treated in the past.
She sighed heavily as she heard Adam's voice in the hallway, talking to Melissa. Philip did look like he was ready to go and tell him to clear off but didn't get the chance to when Adam stormed into the kitchen. Instead of looking between her and Eddie, as she thought that he would do, Adam seemed to look between the glass in her hand and the bottle sitting on the island. And she knew pretty instantly what he was going to say.
"I thought we got rid of all the cheap drinks," Adam said.
"I hid this one at the back." Rachel said. "I knew I would need it at some point."
"How the hell are you drinking it?"
"I think it is going down very well. What do you think, Eddie?"
"It is exactly what I need," Eddie said.
Adam scoffed. "Well, he would agree with you. After everything I've heard about him now."
"Do you know what is the worst thing to have? As a headteacher?" Rachel said, not really pausing long enough for anyone to give her an answer. "A deputy that agrees with your every word. If anyone said that Eddie agreed with me all the time is lying because they don't know about the times that we argued about how we were going to do something before we came to a compromise." She turned to Eddie. "Do you remember that time we argued for three hours over… something I can't even remember now?"
"I remember you being very stubborn," Eddie said.
"You can be just as stubborn." She paused for a moment. "Like my foot was behind that line."
The line was lost on everyone else and even if they tried to explain it, no one would understand why it brought the widest of smiles to their faces. Rachel could happily go back to that night. And Eddie's arms. And the way that his lips moved against hers. And how her hands glided in his hair. Maybe just that feeling of safety. Because that was the short of it. She did feel safe in Eddie's presence. And maybe that was the reason why she did want him there.
"He doesn't know you like I do," Adam said.
Rachel was confused about how Adam thought that was a good argument. Especially after what she had said to him at the pub.
"You did know me, Adam. As Amanda. Now you don't."
"And he does?"
"Yeah. I think he does. I think he is, maybe, the only person who knows me for who I really am."
Rachel would never say it to Melissa's face, or to anyone, but the best thing that Melissa did that night was to pull Adam out of her house. If it was true and Adam was the father, then Rachel was sure that they had a lot to talk about.
Rachel, on the other hand, was beginning to understand her feelings about it all.
And she knew that she was in for an interesting night.
That night, Eddie hadn't seen Rachel ever be so angry.
He sat there and listened to her as she ranted about both Adam and Melissa. She talked about every argument that she'd had with Adam, from her drinking 'cheap' alcohol to the point about her only being Miss Mason. He did interject when she brought that up, saying that he could see why she might have thrown herself into her work and that she might have known him from the past but she was probably still learning to trust him again to open up to him once more. That seemed to make her pause for a moment, looking at him with so much love that he did think that she was going to jump him. She didn't and he wasn't sure whether he would have allowed her to push anything that night. Just because he had come to terms with the baby not being his, it seemed like Rachel had a lot more issues with it.
He slept on her sofa that night. Mainly because he had drunk too much to drive and Rachel had told him that it would be stupid for him to get a taxi because he would have to come back for his car anyway. And with Ros taking the spare bedroom, she only had the sofa to offer him when she told him that if he shared her bed, she wouldn't be able to just platonically lie beside him and that it was too soon for them to even think about trying their relationship again.
They swapped email addresses and phone numbers again in the morning, just to make sure that they could keep in some type of contact. He could see that it was killing her as much as it was him for them to part ways again. But he knew that they had to until Rachel was ready for them to be together again.
And they did keep in contact.
She asked for his advice when she was unsure about what more she could do at Waterloo Road.
He asked her advice about a headship and then a glowing reference when he decided that it was something that he wanted.
She shared with him the conference that he looked more into and thought that it sounded interesting enough that he signed up, asking her afterwards if she was going.
The short email consisting only of 'I'll see you there' made him smile every time he thought about it. And even though it was nearly two years since he last saw her, he knew that this was the point where they were going to enter each other's lives again and never leave.
Or so he desperately hoped.
Because he was unsure whether he could let Rachel walk out of his life for a third time and be okay with that fact.
He had seen glimpses of her over the day. Heard her name so many times. But he hadn't had the chance to actually stop her and talk to her.
Eddie pulled on the cuff of his shirt to try and get it into the right place as he walked into the bar of the hotel that the conference was being held in. Even if he didn't catch Rachel, there had been a couple of people that he'd had a quick chat to that he could catch up with instead. It was a three-day course. He was sure that he would catch her at some point.
He went to the bar to order a pint but was stopped by the shout of his name in the voice that he had been trying to hear for all day.
He turned and smiled, walking over to her and the other people that she was with. She certainly wasn't smiling that bright the last time that he saw her and he was grateful that the situation hadn't made her lose her smile.
"Tell them that Waterloo Road isn't as bad as they say it is." Rachel said before he had even had the chance to sit down.
"I was doing bag searches on my first day," Eddie said.
"That isn't the answer I was looking for."
"After the Mason touch, it was a completely different school from when I started."
"Sorry, you worked there as well?" The woman opposite him asked.
"I was Rachel's deputy. Started there a term before her."
"He wasn't too happy with my appointment." Rachel said. "Although I would be pissed off as well if I was told that I was going to be acting head for someone to come in and take over."
"Take over and change everything."
"Did it really take us that long to get used to each other?"
Eddie turned to her and smiled. "No. No, it did not."
He did find himself with a beer in front of him eventually and slowly, one by one, the people that Rachel was with left them, until it was just them.
"I'm glad you are here." Rachel said.
"I am sorry, Rachel. For the way that I handled or didn't handle things that night. The more I have thought about it, the more I realised that if I was going to include you in it, then I shouldn't have done it so publicly."
"I think it was. I don't think either of them would have ended up telling the truth otherwise." She scoffed. "Steph did most of the pushing for me with Adam. Even sung your praise which only seemed to rile Adam up more. He kept saying that about you and how everyone had believed it so why weren't they all still believing it. I really don't know what he was trying to get at."
"You know I don't believe you about Steph."
He was glad when she laughed. "I was adamant that I wasn't going to sort out Melissa's mess. I was adamant that I was never going to speak to her again."
"But you did."
"I assume she didn't bug you."
Eddie shook his head. "I haven't heard a word from her since that night."
"Luckily you."
"You should have got me involved if that was the case."
"Eddie, that wouldn't have solved anything. Honestly, by the end of it, I was just sick of the lies. Lie after lie after lie. First, that you had faked the results that you got. Then that she didn't know who the father was because she had slept with multiple people when she was gone. That Adam was the father. That there was no way that Adam could be the father. I cut to the chase at that point.
"I told Adam that the only way I was going to get back with him was if his paternity test came back that he wasn't the father. I wasn't going to and I thought Kim was going to go into labour early when I suggested it to her. Not in a million years was I going to get back with him but if he thought there was a slither of doubt that he wasn't the father, then I should at least let him try. So he produces this letter saying that he isn't the father and I told him that wasn't how it was going to happen. I would be there to oversee it all and the letter would come to the school.
"I didn't want to meet her. Mainly because I knew that I would fall in love with her despite all of the lies and deceit. Anyway, the letter arrives, I wait for Adam and Melissa to join me and… turns out he… is the father. Still had Melissa telling me that it wasn't what I thought but the look on Adam's face when I said what I thought had happened told me that it did. They had a pact to get Melissa pregnant, to then come back and claim that the baby was yours, breaking us up for Melissa to have you because of said baby and then for Adam to swoop in after a period of time to have me. Just the job of a new head chef and healthy eating coordinator came up at the same time that he was going to seek me out. Great coincidence."
"For Christ's sake Rachel."
The small smile that she gave him let him know that was all of it. And he hated that she was right. That there had been a big plan to keep them apart. That Melissa did really hate her that much. And that Adam maybe wanted her so much that he went along with the plan (which would probably work more in Eddie's favour).
"Rachel." Eddie continued once he had processed it all. "I am sorry."
"What are you apologising for now?"
"Well, there is some truth to what Adam said. Everyone did believe that the baby was mine. I shouldn't have ever started something with Melissa. And I am sorry that I ever did and I am sorry for putting you in the middle of things. And I'm sorry that I made the mistakes that I did. I am sorry for hurting you."
"I shouldn't have pushed you away."
"No. You had every right to push me away. I should have more patience. It's not your fault I couldn't take a hint."
"Can we go forward from here?"
Eddie had asked himself that question many times since he realised that he would be seeing Rachel again. He had tried to come up with an argument for himself. But even with Rachel sitting in front of him, he still couldn't think of one single way that they could make it work without the hurt from the past coming back at times.
"As much as I would love to, I don't think we can just draw a line under things," Eddie said. "I think too much has happened."
"I agree."
"But I know that there were problems. With my idiotic decision to have a relationship with Melissa. I've done quite a bit of thinking about it. You weren't as comfortable with it as you made out and I can understand why."
"It will be different this time though."
"How?"
"Because she was still my sister then. She isn't now. I don't even know where she is. She had cut Philip completely out of her life. Then… that was our last chance, I think. For us to actually try and form a relationship and it is crazy to think that… the best our relationship has ever been was when… she was dating you." She paused and bit her lip. "I wish I could stop myself from caring about her but the more I try to, the more I seem to care. The more I wish that she would just get in touch with me and tell me where the hell she is and if she is safe. I don't miss her. But I still care about her."
"I just think that might have something to do with the type of person that you are."
"I do wish that things didn't happen the way that they did."
"So do I."
"So how do we go forward from here?"
Eddie found himself smiling at her and even if he didn't have an answer, he knew that they would find it together. They couldn't just pick up where they left off without seriously talking about what had happened before. And they couldn't just move on from what had happened before as well. It had been a rather messy time. They had to get through that together before they could make a future together. And that would be what they would end up doing. The past couldn't be forgotten but it didn't mean that it had to affect the future. And, somehow, they managed to do just that.