How could you possibly judge me if you don't know my backstory? It's not even enough to know it, you'd need to have lived it. Besides, I didn't kill him, but you already knew that.
It was an autumn day when I first spent time with him.
The blast shook the branches of the trees above us, and some crows fluttered away, cawing angrily at this disturbance of their afternoon rest. I flinched when he waved his wand again, kicking up the foliage around us with a bang.
As he leapt atop the fallen tree trunk in front of us, care- and effortlessly spinning around, the warm light of the setting sun playing with his hair, the fall leaves dancing around him, he looked like something out of a painting, noble - and beautiful.
I think it was this sight that I could never forgive him for.
Panting, I propped my hands on my knees.
"You're just messing everything up like that", I remarked, emphasising my annoyance. It took effort to keep up with him. He didn't answer, maybe he didn't hear my remark. Instead he balanced the fallen tree up and down, arms raised to his sides, head in the sky, looking at the treetops above us.
I set to repeat myself, but shut my mouth again. Instead I knelt into the soft forest ground and searched the dirt around me.
My task disgusted me. Not that I wasn't capable of it, but didn't Hogwarts have house elves for this kind of thing?
After several minutes with no results, I felt the need to vent my anger. I turned around to complain about my sore back - and was startled by a yellow something floating in front of my face. With a nearly imperceptible movement of his wand, James let the mushroom glide into the basket at my side.
"Yellow Stagshorn. Should be enough, right?"
Without waiting for my response he walked past me.
"What a beautiful day. Shame that Sirius has to spend it in detention, but I guess he really deserved it this time."
"I already knew what kind of fungus this is", I spat, which was a lie. I rose from the ground, patted the dirt off my robes and ran after James.
It wasn't easy to catch up with him and keep up with his pace. The ground was uneven, my boots slipped on the moss, roots hampered my steps. James, on the other hand, moved through the forest like he was born in it, part of it, gracefully like a young deer. It wasn't fair. I was out of breath and cursed, which nobody took notice of.
James touched the tree bark with his fingertips while walking past them.
"And still...", he said, more to himself than to me, "...McGonagall didn't need to be so strict with him. That's just Sirius."
He laughed softly and shook his head.
"Yeah, an absolute idiot!", I exclaimed, before I could stop myself.
James paused and turned towards me. "He's my friend.", he retorted with an even voice.
I already expected the punch and flinched back.
But the punch never came. When I raised my head again, I saw James Potter looking directly into my own eyes, for the first time ever since we entered the forest.
"Sirius is no idiot", he said with gentle emphasis.
I raised my hands in defense and noticed that they were shaking.
My voice was shaking too as I tried to explain myself awkwardly, trying to make him understand I didn't mean it the way I said it.
James just looked at me pervasively, brushing his black hair out of his face, while I fought against the tremble in my voice and tried to come up with excuses.
"Life doesn't have to be like this. What made you the way you are?"
I put down my hands when he interrupted me. It took effort to return the steady gaze of the boy, who towered over me by more than half a head. To my surprise, there was neither mockery nor pity in his brown eyes, just something like... curiosity.
What was there that I should've told him? What could I even have talked about? How much of my own soul would I've needed to lay bare just to answer his question? How could he even hope to understand me?
But I was saved from having to lie. James turned around and ran when he heard the scream.
When I arrived at the clearing, the worst was already over. The girl, whose scream lead us here, cowered behind James' back. He had pointed his wand at her attacker, who was lying on his back, limbs splayed, head red in anger.
A third year, Gryffindor just like us, never could remember his name. He was neither strong nor skilled, his family unremarkable. Mediocre through and through, and without any use for me.
"This mudblood stole from me!", he yelled, "She stole my fucking ring!"
Ah, not without any use.
A predatory grin fell over James' face. He slowly advanced on the boy, the wand in his hand bobbing in the pace of his steps.
"Lily wouldn't do such a thing", he said gently, "and you, my friend, should choose your next words carefully."
Lily grabbed James arm to hold him back, but it was clear from her face how much she enjoyed being rescued.
It wasn't fair. That boy was a lousy duelist, any idiot with a wand could've incapacitated him like that.
If I arrived a few seconds earlier... but I was doing my job, looking for mushrooms, unlike that pretender.
And now he's being admired for something I could've done just as well. It just wasn't fair.
Angrily I clenched my teeth and put my hands in my pockets. My fist closed around what I found there, and I turned my back on the others.
While the fight between the boys got heated, I tried to imagine what it would be like, being James Potter.
Of course the other Gryffindor was right, Lily was just a mudblood, her admiration basically worthless. But didn't that only make it that much more painful, *not* having her admiration? She didn't even take any notice of me, just like all the others. And now, yet again, James would...
"If you wish for a duel, you'll get a duel."
James made a slight bow, while the other boy, head still red with anger, rose to his feet.
They took their positions, concentrated and in fighting poses, and I saw the glimmer of admiration in Lily's eyes.
Oh no, I thought, I won't let you have that.
Just like the goblins of Gringotts keep their ledgers balanced, carefully recording earnings and spendings, so do I keep a record of every pleasure and every suffering.
Sometimes it's enough to deprive others to keep the ledgers in order. I couldn't let James have this victory.
I stared at the back of his head, took a deep breath, and pulled the item from my pocket.
"Hey", I yelled, too loudly, "are you looking for this ring?"
All three turned towards me. The Gryffindor boy's head turned an even darker shade of red, like it was about to burst. A flicker of confusion came over the faces of Lily and James, then surprise, and then something like... disappointment.
I felt dizzy, and whatever I meant to say, to do, was completely gone from my mind.
"I found this. Here, I mean, in the forest. When we were collecting the mushrooms. I thought, I wanted to... hand it to Filch..." My voice failed again, the lies awfully hollow and obvious.
But the spell was broken, the boy, whose name was so unimportant to me, grabbed my - his - ring and whizzed past us.
When I dared to look up at James, I realised he believed me.
James grinned. "Nice making friends with you", he laughed, holding out his hand.
Friendship? I was convinced that my ideas of friendship and love were way beyond my means. But... why not, actually? If this Sirius was worth it...
When I tore myself out of my thoughts and extended my arm, James had already pulled his back. He patted me on the shoulder instead.
"What was your name again?", he asked offhandedly, but his attention and gaze was on Lily again.
I told you before, I keep records. Every slight, every injury, every disrespect, I keep that record. Every debt will be paid in the end.
Perhaps you will never be able to understand this, but it wasn't fear that made me do it. I merely made your father pay his debt.
There was something bitter on my tongue. I still answered James, although he was no longer paying any attention to me.
"Peter. My name is Peter Pettigrew."