(Original upload date to A03: 8-2-2022)
One day, Omori, Sweetheart, Spaceboy, and Jawsum had decided to go out to a movie.
The movie was called "Staircases," and everyone knew exactly why. In fact, because of this, the entire movie poster was just a black background with the title in white text. Perhaps the most minimalistic design choice for a title in history.
Realistically speaking, the artist would likely be granted an award purely for the poster design. I can already hear the raving critics ranting about how it was all about "Symbolism" and "context". bah! Anyone could put together white text on black background!
Anyway, back to the story. The movie theater was filled with Sprout moles. In fact, Omori and his friends were the only non-sprout moles in attendance.
"Ah shit," said the poor Sprout Mole who happened to be sitting behind Jawsum, "I bloody well can't see,"
He also happened to have an Irish accent. It was one of a kind, a true beauty. His name was Terrence. Like that one creepy tractor.
"Sorry pal," said Jawsum, "If ya'd like, I can narrate over what's happening in real time with my [[fancy subtitles]],"
Terrence shook his head, "No thanks, I think I'll just try to assume everything from second hand osmosis. Or maybe I'll bribe a poor sap to switch seats,"
Jawsum laughed, "Heheh. I like your style, big boy! You get em' tiger!"
"Oh boy," said Spaceboy, "I can't wait to watch another movie on how everyone is sad and depressed and struggling over Mari's death. Again…..Again."
"Oh ho ho ho!" Sweetheart laughed, "Relax, my dear chivalrous knife—I mean knight—in shining armor. This is going to be a completely new piece of media that no one will see coming,"
"I doubt it," said Spaceboy.
Suddenly, the movie's narrator began to speak,
"ALRIGHT-Y FOLKS! WE'S GONNA BE SHOWIN A NEWFANGLED VIDEO'N TAPE ON THIS HERE RECORDIN'N!"
"God, they even have the idiot stereotypes!" Spaceboy moaned.
Jawsum and Sweetheart laughed. The former doing so because he thought the joke was funny, and the latter doing so because she liked seeing Spaceboy suffer.
Omori simply sat in his seat and waited for the movie to properly start. He didn't admit it, but he was anxious for something good to see.
The movie faded in, revealing a bright sunny scene which looked suspiciously like the Windows XP backdrop. Panning out, the shot revealed that it was actually being taken through a window…. A kitchen window, to be precise.
"HEyyyyyyy," said Mari, who was wearing cat ears on her head for no reason, "I just bought the groceries!"
She was speaking to Hero, who was inside the kitchen.
"OH MY GOD!" said Sweetheart, "IT'S THE SCRUNKLY!"
"The what-now?" asked Spaceboy
Sweetheart smacked him lightly, "Get with the times, nerd! It's what everyone says in the year two thousand and twenty two when referring to My Hero!"
Jawsum frowned at Sweetheart, "Uh, I'm basically the dad here, so I'm not even going to begin to understand what you hipsters are skateboarding over,"
"Quiet," Omori glared. Already he had missed several seconds of (rather pointless dialogue).
Back to the movie, Mari and Hero had just begun to flirt with each other. But oh! Here comes little Sunny.
Omori cringed. He hated seeing his alter ego, especially if it was on camera. He didn't like the way it almost looked like he was staring into a mirror.
He also didn't like it because Sunny was an absolute total loser. Well, that's his words, not mine.
Sunny in the movie was 12 years old, much like Omori was. But that's irrelevant. This takes place before The Incident, you see.
"Oh, hi Sunny!" Says Mari, "Whatcha doin here, little brother?"
"I want to have lunch," says Sunny plainly, "Can you make me some cookies?"
Mari's smile is beaming like the sun in the sky. Oh, was that too on the nose? Well tooooooo bad.
"Sure!" says Mari, "I'd love to! Just give me a minute with Hero."
After this, she lightly guides her little brother to the exit by practically picking him up and yeeting him out the door.
"Did you have to yeet him?" asked Hero, a wobbly smile on his expression.
"No. I just thought it'd be funny," she said, "for the kiddies back home!"
The sprout moles gasped, "THAT'S US! THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT US! WE'RE RELEVANT AGAIN!"
Sweetheart laughed, "Hoh hoh! As if! You insignificant little coconuts are so forgettable that I can't even tell you apart!"
"Hey!" said Gary, a sprout mole, "We have names and families and identities! I like playing foosball and eating tofu!"
"Who doesn't like foosball?" asked Spaceboy
"ME!" said Geraldo, another sprout mole, "I have a wife and kids. I can't play foosball because I'm too busy making BANK!….. You know, at the bank… I'm the teller… alright, no body's laughing,"
"GUFAW HAW HAW!" Laughed Jawsum, "That's rich! You and me, we should go out to the game together! We'll be making moolah in the Bad Pun Industry (TM),"
"Shut up," said Omori, who felt it was his role in this shitty fanfic to remind others to stop dialoguing. What a pathetic existence. It's too bad its all just a shitty fanfic.
Anyway, back to the movi—- oh shit. They're showing the love scene. Oh god. I wasn't paid to narrate this crap.
Omori closed his eyes, "Never mind. Keep talking. Loudly,"
"Oh damn," said Spaceboy, "Now that you asked, I kinda feel like shutting up,"
"Please," Omori said, "I'm too young and innocent for love scenes,"
"Oh, how romantic," said Sweetheart. She was too busy focusing on the movie's eye candy.
"Never mind," said Spaceboy, "Now I don't want to shut up anymore,"
"Oh, but you better," said Sweetheart, "Lest you get a piece of my MACE!"
"Did you say mace?" asked the sprout mole officer in the back corner.
"Er…." Sweetheart faltered, "I meant to say FACE! Yeah! I'm going to fucking kiss this beautiful 6'5 man!"
She leaned towards Spaceboy, who recoiled in his seat.
"Ok," said the cop, "Do what you gotta,"
Within a few moments, The sounds of love could be heard both in the movie and in the movie theater. Omori was in misery.
Jawsum felt a dose of nostalgia, "Ahhh. That takes me back to when I met my smokin hot wife…"
Omori pinched his nose, feeling himself slowly should retreat into his mind palace.
—-
Welcome to White Space,
You are safe here.
There is nothing that could possibly hurt you.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will—~—-
SUDDENLY, WARPING THROUGH SPACE AND TIME, KING BOWSER APPEARS!
"Bwahaha!" laughed the koopa king, "You wanna battle ME? Then beat every level without Flutter Wings!"
Omori stared at the giant overgrown turtle with a blank expression,
"The fuck are those?" he asked at last.
The end.