Don't Open the Box
By Joan Powers
Summary: Captain Janeway is conflicted when Seven approaches her for advice regarding her budding relationship with Chakotay. Mention of C/7, Janeway/Chakotay
Timeline: Late Season 7
Genre: angst, romance
A/N: I told myself I was never going to write a Voyager fic that didn't bring Janeway and Chakotay together. I hope this one counts. 😊 As always, thanks to the marvelous SuzJ1 and Tracy for their highly valued suggestions and support!
"Captain."
Seven of Nine stood patiently before her in her ready room.
Was it Janeway's imagination or had she altered her appearance slightly? Was she wearing eyeshadow and liner? Was her hair style softer, more flattering? She looked more attractive than usual.
She sighed, slowly rising from her desk, knowing she could no longer put off the inevitable conversation. Since she'd gladly served as a mentor for Seven, the young woman had no reason to believe that these circumstances were any different.
"Captain, when I was severed from the Collective, you said I was not alone and that you'd always be willing to help me. You encouraged me to try romance, but now I'm not sure how to proceed. I need your assistance."
Damn. It was my idea. For Seven to experiment with relationships. Possibly with Ensign Kim or Lieutenant Chapman, or even the Doctor. Not with Chakotay.
When she'd first overheard that her protégé and Chakotay had gone on a few dates, intense emotions had surged through her with a ferocity that truly surprised her. Her chest had burned and felt so tight that she honestly believed that she was having a heart attack. Until then she'd thought that she'd successfully buried those feelings and had maintained a strong friendship with Chakotay over the years that might eventually lead to something else.
This served as an excruciating reminder that she'd been dead wrong.
Nearly hyperventilating, she'd come perilously close to losing control and becoming a wailing, sobbing mess. Treacherous feelings of fury, betrayal and anguish overwhelmed her, threatening to drown her. Yet by shear will, she'd managed to cram them back down and box them up deep inside of her.
The effort had been exhausting.
Assuming that Seven was seeking her counsel regarding this situation, Janeway had taken the coward's approach and avoided her. She didn't want to deal with it. She'd successfully managed to put off the young woman for several days, claiming she was too busy with work. Even when Seven had come to her quarters late the previous evening, Janeway had shamelessly pretended to be so tired that she was literally falling asleep.
She wasn't proud of herself.
But as much as she cared for Seven and wanted to continue helping her with her emotional growth, she didn't want to have that conversation. She couldn't risk the lid of that box opening even a crack. She was far too vulnerable. She didn't have the strength to jam it shut one more time.
Unfortunately, Seven was typically persistent. Since Janeway genuinely cared for the former Borg, she reluctantly accepted that this meeting was going to happen.
Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as she thought.
Observing Seven standing before her in her ready room, she sighed again. She'd put the young woman off long enough.
"Captain, I wish to speak with you about romantic relationships." Seven reminded her.
Janeway nodded and gestured to the couch. "Have a seat." Joining Seven, she selected a seat beside her and then turned to face her. "What can I help you with?"
"How do I know if I'm with the right person?"
Isn't it obvious?
Because your heart leaps in your throat when he smiles at you, or when he touches your hand.
Because you can't breathe when he's injured.
Because when you talk with him, hours can fly by and neither of you notice.
Because he knows how you take your coffee and your favorite flavor of ice cream.
Because you love the way he looks, sun lit and windswept as you sail together on Lake George.
Because you tease each other with little jokes about not letting him pilot a shuttle or allowing you to cremate dinner.
Because, while stranded on a remote planet, he builds you a bathtub and a headboard and works alongside you in a vegetable garden.
Because you feel like you've been sucker punched in the gut when you learn he's seeing another woman.
But Seven wouldn't understand that.
Janeway paused, not sure how to respond. "That's a good question. It can take a while to figure that out. It's the way he treats you. The way you look at each other. The time you spend together. But mostly I think, it's when he holds you and you don't want him to let go. That's when you know it's the right person. That's why many women date several different men before settling down with one."
"At the same time?" Seven appeared alarmed.
"Of course not. Well, not usually." She laughed.
"Such inefficiency."
"Matters of the heart seldom make sense, Seven."
They also have lousy timing.
"I do not wish to waste time. Data analysis shows that of all the males on this ship, Commander Chakotay and I have the highest compatibility ranking. Therefore, he is the most logical choice for a mate."
Janeway nearly choked on her coffee.
Why is Seven doing this to me? Is she really that clueless? Doesn't she understand that this is utter torture? Hasn't she paid attention to the rumors about me and my first officer?
Then again, Starfleet protocol and her defined parameters had kept them from pursuing a physical relationship. Chakotay had been respectful of her wishes and she'd pulled back from him. Otherwise, it would've been far too painful to face him on a daily basis. Apparently, she'd grossly overcompensated and somehow given him the impression that she was no longer interested in him.
No wonder Chakotay was open to dating Seven.
The young woman was looking at her expectantly, waiting for pearls of wisdom to be dispersed.
Think! What would you say if a close friend or your sister, Phoebe, was asking this question?
She really didn't want to know if he'd kissed her. Or done more. The thought made her want to scream. But she had to advise her charge.
"There's far more to relationships than the facts. How does it feel when he kisses you?" She could barely get the words out.
Seven paused, thinking. Then she smiled. "Satisfactory. Pleasant."
Are you kidding me?
Janeway had been fantasizing about those lips for years. Just imagining a kiss from him had felt earth shattering. Like fireworks. Even a casual touch of his hand could send sparks shooting within her body if she allowed it.
"Captain, you would agree that Commander Chakotay is a fine specimen. He is strong and athletic with excellent teeth."
Good heavens, Seven, we're talking about a man, not a prized heifer.
You're not even focusing on his best attributes. A kind-hearted man with a generous spirit, warm chocolate brown eyes, a wicked smile, and a gorgeous muscular body.
"Other factors matter too." Janeway insisted.
Seven didn't press her to elaborate, steering the conversation in a different direction.
"Should I initiate sexual intercourse to facilitate the development of this relationship?"
"No!" she blurted out, too loudly.
Keep your damn hands off him!
Seven seemed surprised by her outburst. She was too.
If she was discussing any other man, she might encourage this. But not with Chakotay. She couldn't do it.
Feigning a calmness that she didn't feel, she pointed out. "Some women take that course of action. Some on the first date."
"That is correct. Sexual compatibility is an important factor."
No! No! No!
How am I going to dig myself out of this hole?
And best advise Seven?
"Seven, you're new to these types of relationships. You ought to take things slowly. Get to know him better. Emotions can be pretty overpowering, especially since you're not used to processing them. Sex is a whole new level. Give yourself time to get used to these new feelings first."
"Do these sensations mean that I'm in love with him?"
Dear god, this conversation needs to end.
She hated the raging, possessive emotions broiling within her. It made her feel like a child clawing and fighting for her favorite toy and screeching 'Mine!'. She felt like shoving Seven into an airlock and then venting it.
The intensity of these feelings frightened her.
Logically speaking, Chakotay wasn't hers. He never had been. She'd hoped that he understood her situation. That with the demands of command, she had to wait until they could pursue a relationship together. Yet she'd never expressed that so how would he know? All he understood was that with every attempt he'd made to get closer to her, she'd shut him down. Why should she be surprised when he received the message?
She knew he was lonely. She was too. Seven long years had already passed and at this point, those appeared to be a mere drop in the bucket compared to the remainder of the time required to complete their journey.
Chakotay had a big heart and a lot of love to give. Why wouldn't he fall in love with Seven? His protective instincts would draw him to her. His nurturing spirit would want to gently guide her. And she was intelligent, young, and beautiful.
She loved Seven like a daughter. She wanted them both to be happy. Why should she begrudge people that she loved their happiness?
Yet, the thought of them together made her want to claw her eyes out.
Then she had a brilliant insight. One that might be helpful to Seven yet serve her own agenda as well.
"It also might be difficult to tell if these feelings are a result of being with Chakotay-" It was hard saying his name in this context. "Or just being physical with any man. Like I said, sexual feelings are pretty powerful. They can cloud your judgment."
Seven's expression indicated she was confused.
Feeling more motherly, she assured Seven. "You know you don't have to do anything you don't want to do with a man. Just take it slow, take the time to get to know one another."
"It sounds like a long process. Is there not a better way to facilitate this?"
"I'm afraid not. There's no direct path. No one way of doing things. You have to listen to your feelings. And be honest with yourself. And each other. Just because you have things in common doesn't necessarily mean it's a good match. And a few dates don't have to lead to marriage. Most people date casually for a while, just to have fun. To get a better idea about what they like in a partner."
"Fun?" Seven said the word almost with distaste.
Be honest with yourself.
Perhaps she should take her own advice.
Janeway was beginning to feel lightheaded.
Seven still looked baffled.
"Besides having a sexual partner," Seven asked, "What does it mean to be in a relationship? I thought that was the main purpose. Do we have to do everything together?"
"It's not a matter of having to be together. People in love want to spend time with each other." Janeway's gaze drifted.
She missed joking and flirting with Chakotay on the bridge. When their eyes connected and their gaze lingered on each other. Sharing dinners and drinking wine in her quarters. His gentle smile and warm laugh. His ability to always lift her spirits.
If they were a couple, she'd want to be with him as much as possible. Sharing meals together. Having long intimate conversations with her head resting against his shoulder. Working out on the holodeck. Exploring new worlds. Spending leisurely evenings in bed exploring each other's bodies. Soaking in a warm bath together. Letting him massage the stress out of her tense neck and upper back muscles.
I can't do this.
She tried not to dry heave thinking of Chakotay walking into the future hand in hand with Seven.
I can't face a future without him in it.
She abruptly rose and moved closer to her ready room window, turning away from Seven. She pretended she was engrossed in looking at the stars to cover that a crippling sense of sorrow had overtaken her. Her chest felt tight, and her throat grew raw, holding back sobs that threatened to erupt.
Stop! You can't break down in front of Seven. Especially not during this conversation.
Trembling, she took several deep breaths, struggling to maintain her composure.
"Captain? Are you alright?" Seven asked, with some alarm. "Your respiration and heartbeat have accelerated."
No.
I'm not.
It was exactly as she'd feared. The box was open. And she didn't have the fortitude to shut it. Those troublesome emotions had escaped and taken over.
Seven stood at attention. "I will contact the Doctor."
"No! That's an order." Her voice came out more as a croak.
She heard Seven's footsteps as she raced out of the room.
Was she was going to have to take her own advice and be honest about her feelings for Chakotay?
Or maybe she was over-reacting. He and Seven had only been on a few dates. That didn't necessarily mean the two were destined for marriage. Yet knowing that he desired companionship, even if his relationship with Seven didn't work out, eventually he would be involved with another woman.
Could she face that reality?
Because just the thought of it was killing her.
She deliberately slowed her breathing, desperate to regain control. While tears were freely streaming down her cheeks, with supreme effort, she'd managed to stifle the sobs. However, her efforts were futile, inevitably the floodgate broke loose. Her chest ached as she cried.
At least she'd managed to control herself in front of Seven, though some damage control might be needed. Thankfully she'd broken down in the privacy of her ready room away from prying eyes.
Just when she thought matters couldn't get worse, she heard a male voice.
"Kathryn?"
No.
This is too humiliating.
Concerned about her, Seven had done the next best thing to retrieving the Doctor. She ran to Chakotay for assistance. And he'd responded immediately.
She was mortified that he was seeing her like this, a red-faced, sobbing mess. She hoped he would respect that she was battling with a deeply personal issue and not intrude.
She should've known better.
"Kathryn?" His voice was filled with concern. He crossed the room and was nearly beside her.
He wouldn't dare to come any closer, would he? Because right now she wouldn't be able to push him away. They'd established boundaries and respected them over the years. She prayed that he'd honor them and leave her alone in her misery.
Dear god, does he know what Seven and I were discussing?
How humiliating.
When his arms wrapped around her, something inside her broke. She turned to face him and clung to him, burying her head against his chest. She could feel his hand caressing her back as sobs wracked her body.
I've lost him. He will never be mine.
"It's when he holds you and you don't want him to let go."
She heard Seven's whispered voice from the doorway before it swished closed behind her.
"I'm so sorry. When did I lose you?" Janeway asked, her voice nearly hoarse.
Tenderly kissing her forehead, Chakotay said, "You never did. Kathryn, I'm here for you. Always."
THE END