His eyes were stuck, as if frozen solid, his muscles still tense from overwhelming anxiety.
But those eyes would shed no tears, not a single droplet would dare to manifest itself, not one single emotion would shine through his shock-sown veil of apathy.
"I'm back at the beginning of this day…"
His mind's voice echoed, stating what was a now obvious, undeniable fact, a thought that was perhaps moved by inner impulse, maybe to quell the incoming surge of tension.
The boy's psyche, to the best of what little of its capability remained at that moment, braced itself for being once again swarmed by those voracious, loathsome thoughts.
Thoughts that invoked imagery not unlike what he had seen back in the Sanctuary.
His mind was made to picture his closest companions, gathered around his lifeless body on a bloodstained floor, crying, panicking and screaming, begging to have their knight, their hero, back into their lives, but to no avail.
He could picture each and every one of their faces, tears abound from their eyes.
He could almost feel Emilia and Beatrice's arms tightly wrapped around the husk that was his corpse.
He could hear their voices, feel their pain, the crushing weight of it all on his soul.
No matter how far from the reality he was now in, it felt as if they were still in there, like ghosts haunting the site of a tragedy.
Finally, his body shivered, his throat produced a slight grunt of distress, barely audible.
And as if on cue, he felt something true and tangible, rather than a diabolical byproduct of his addled mind.
A familiar sensation, but unlike many others in this tale, this one came to calm, to soothe, to comfort.
The sensation of his spirit and confidant's arms gently wrapped around him, the soft palms and fingertips of her lithe hands sweeping away at the stress that ailed her contractor's senses with each movement.
It was, in all due likelihood, this gesture of genuine kindness which caused him to, at long last, breathe a sigh of relief.
"…I'm sorry, Beako, I am so, so sorry, I-"
His words of apology were cut short by one of the aforementioned fingertips being placed at barely an inch away from his lips.
"Betty may not know what exactly might be going on through your head, but that does not mean she won't try her best for her foolish contractor, so what I ask of you is less apologies and more rest for your tired mind and body, I suppose!"
It took Subaru a few good seconds to fully take in what had just been said to him.
After the last of these seconds, his body had finally let go of most of the enshrouding tension, causing him to close his eyes and take in the rare moment of calm.
Calm, something that had been missing from his mind, body and soul for quite a while now.
Perhaps, calm was exactly what he needed.
Perhaps, some time outside the cogs of his daily routines were what he required to take a look at the machine in its entirety.
Perhaps, through that perspective, he might be able to gather his fortitude back into proper shape.
But what then?
What would he do after that?
Would he simply continue onward following the very same pattern which, so far, had inevitably led him into that dreaded downward spiral, but at the same time allowed him to maintain a facade that would only display cracks when under intense and specific circumstances?
A quick shrug allowed him to, at least temporarily, ignore the presence of that question.
After that, the knight took a slow, deep breath, fully allowing his lungs to contract and expand to take in the air and release it shortly after.
Then, he looked down at Beatrice, her face gazing back at him, as if awaiting for her contractor to utter something, no matter how foolish she may have perceived it to be.
"Beako, I have something to ask of you!"
For the first time in a long, long while, the boy's words traversed the air aboard a steed of resolute determination.
"What is it, I wonder?"
The spirit replied, the sense of anticipation clear for anyone to read upon her expression.
"I have decided to… take this day off of my duties!"
When presented with the question of, between the sheer look of surprise on Beatrice's face and the seemingly herculean effort poured into Subaru's utterance, what appeared to display the greater amount of emotional impact it would be reductive to state that one would be hard pressed to choose between the two.
Regardless of said choice, however, the moment of complete and all-encompassing silence that followed this last interaction felt barely outside the realm of tangibility.
"D-did Betty hear that correctly, I suppose?! Do you feel unwell, Subaru?! Did something hap-"
This time, it was her contractor the one to silence his interlocutor, in the very same manner that she adopted beforehand.
"Don't worry, I am perfectly aware of what I just said, Beako! Now, all I ask of you is to tell the others here at the mansion that I'm going to dedicate this day to rest and relaxation! Can you do that for me, Beako?"
There was yet another long, seemingly unending moment of silence, after which Beatrice's reply manifested itself as a slow, meticulous nod, her expression still clearly marred by confusion and disbelief.
She barely had any time to acknowledge, let alone process those two feelings, that her contractor lifted her up, joyously and triumphantly as he did back at the Sanctuary, and beamed at her with a smile that was positively oozing with satisfaction.
"Thank you Beako! I knew I could count on my Great Spirit! You can be sure that I will never, ever forget what you did for me today!"
Said Great Spirit was, for lack of a better way to describe it, at a complete and utter loss for words.
First, her contractor had woken up from a nightmare, as she often saw him do, so nothing unusual on that front, unfortunately.
Second, she had tried what she could to comfort him, once again a gesture that she was used to performing, and again nothing noteworthy.
Third, all of a sudden, he claimed that he wished to rest for the entirety of the day! Something he pretty much never, ever even mentioned to her! She was fairly certain that the thought may very well never have even crossed her contractor's mind in the first place!
Finally, he had just asked her to inform every single one of his companions about his decision, perhaps the least unusual among these occurrences.
"Well then! Your contractor's routine will be undergoing a strict relax regiment, effective immediately! If you need anything, you can find me in the garden!"
Following those words, he put on his usual clothes, specifically his tracksuit, and moved over to the door, turning towards Beatrice before opening it.
"And again, thank you Beako, you have no idea just how much you've done for me today!"
Before she had any chance to properly assemble a reply, her contractor had already exited the room.
On one hand, she wished to shout and yell at him for the incommensurably rude way he had just left, maybe even make the daily draining of his mana a bit more painful than usual for good measure.
On the other, in spite of how absurd it all was, she hadn't even realized that a soft, genuine smile had found its way upon her lips. Her contractor, after an amount of time she could only fathom spent pushing himself to the limit, was finally doing something to take care of his own well-being.
She also felt certain that it wasn't a product of deceit, for she had seen him lie before, she knew how his terrible acting worked, and how it bafflingly fooled almost everyone in the mansion, when it came to his deepest secrets.
For the first time in a rather long while, she wasn't displeased with the idea of her contractor running off on his own, quite the contrary, in fact.
With that, we may now shift our perspective back to our knight, for I am somewhat certain that you might inquire about how exactly he planned to dedicate this day to peace and quiet.
And the answer to your inquiry would happen to be:
Not much, to be entirely honest, at least not at a first glance.
He was simply sitting inside one of the gazebos that lied in the middle of the garden, his back slumped against the seat, his gaze turned sideways, in the direction of the surrounding wilderness.
Getting into this position, however, had proven to be far more challenging than what he had anticipated.
The mere act of walking towards a place in which he could peacefully relax, rather than where his daily habits and duties directed him was the first obstacle he had to contend with.
After that, he needed to sit down and try with all of his might to act against the rigid, schematic nature of how his mind had come to interpret his everyday life.
The things he had not expected in a different and fantastical world were plenty, but he did not imagine that something as seemingly simplistic as granting one's own self a day of respite from the challenges of life would prove to be a quest in and of itself.
However, this time around, he made sure to remind himself that there were no constraints, be they tied to time or obligations, that were exercising their pressure upon him.
Still, it proved itself to be far from a task that could be easily accomplished.
Its difficulty could be attributed in no small portion to the thoughts that you, the audience, may have grown accustomed to recognizing at this point.
Thoughts of worthlessness.
Thoughts of loneliness.
Thoughts of encroaching anxiety.
Thoughts of guilt and shame.
Further compounding them were now those gruesome images of his friends and loved ones gathered around the body whose life's candle he had extinguished.
No matter how much time passed, they never seemed to halt their despair-ridden cries.
No matter how much time passed, they were always there, within the field of view of his mind's eye.
All together, they formed a grim tapestry, a reminder of how he had abandoned and disappointed those whom he cherished the most.
Of how he had not been strong enough.
Of how he had not been brave enough.
Of how he had not been enough for them.
Said tapestry now formed yet another component of his self-made prison, yet another layer choking his feelings into a merciless stranglehold.
The more time passed, the more the walls around his inner self seemed to grow larger, all-encompassing.
In the middle of them lied every single emotion, thought and sensation he had forcibly dimmed, all for the purpose of perpetrating a comfortable lie.
But he barely had any time to dwell upon the specifics of his innermost predicament, for something, or rather, someone, caught his attention.
"My my, if it isn't our dearest knight, taking on a most unexpected course of action!"
Upon hearing any other voice, Subaru's reflexes wouldn't necessarily kick in immediately, but this one had been registered in a much different fashion within the archives of his memories.
The theatrical tone.
The accent which caused his voice to linger at the end of each sentence.
Upon turning his head to face the source of the voice, the boy found in front of him, sitting on the opposing seat of the gazebo, body adorned in jester's clothes and face littered with clownish makeup, was none other than Lord Roswaal L Mathers.
The very same man who up to until a few months ago, after losing a bet against our knight, had been plotting, scheming, pulling strings from behind the curtains to orchestrate some of the most painful events in Subaru's life.
Understandably, the boy wasn't all too thrilled to see him, let alone during a moment such as this one.
Still, he did everything in his power to maintain his composure, straightening up his posture and narrowing his gaze.
When in front of this man, he had to carefully gauge what he said and did, not just because of his position of indisputable power, but also because he was, at least in some manner, aware of his capability to loop around the inevitability of death.
A capability that he had explicitly threatened to exploit, should he make any mistakes, despite agreeing to help him in a more earnest fashion.
Needless to say, a certain tension could always be sensed sifting through the air when he was around.
"...what brings you here, Roswaal? Didn't Beako tell you? I'm taking this day off to rest, I know that your conviction may have taken a pretty huge hit ever since what happened at the Sanctuary, but don't you think you're being a bit petty right n-"
In what seemed to be somewhat of a pattern within the spoken interactions of that day, he was interrupted rather abruptly in the middle of his sentence.
"Oh please, do not misconstrue the motives behind this gesture of mine! First of all, I am here because your contracted spirit informed me of your intentions for this day! Second, my visit stems from nothing else but sheer curiosity, surely you understand that a hard-working, fate-defying individual such as you would spark the interest of yours truly, do you not?"
Each syllable emanating from the man felt like a meticulously constructed component of a larger contraption, one that in spite of its elegant flow and flair, did not mask the callousness concealed betwixt its mechanisms.
While the knight would usually be quick to think of a response, his mind froze for a few short moments with the thoughts of the potential dangers that this conversation posed.
Still, this was not the first time the boy had confronted the jester, and in spite of his currently addled mind, he took advantage of those moments of silence to properly size up the man in front of him.
At a first glance, his demeanor presented itself in the very same way he had grown accustomed to witnessing throughout his daily life.
The very same cold, unfeeling act he put on to disguise the grim, empty obsession that served as his one and only fuel for all of his actions up until now.
And yet, amidst all of the usual traits he had grown to recognize by now, Subaru could swear that there was something more at play in the backstage of this twisted individual's mind.
But due to both his mounting stress and the man's nigh-unreadable body language, he simply couldn't delve any further into the matter.
Clearing his throat, the boy steeled his nerves and replied.
"Well, sorry to disappoint you, but all there is to it is the fact that I, just like any other person, need to blow off some steam from time to time, even though I'd like to say that I'm impressed with myself, given how much time passed before I even took the idea of a day off into consideration!"
Despite the reality of the matter, one could argue that there indeed was a fragment of truth contained within his words.
He was impressed by the amount of time he had been able to go on lying to both himself and those around him.
He was impressed by how he endured the weight of his coping mechanisms while maintaining his facade.
He was impressed by just how low he was willing to sink, just so he could ensure that the people he cherished would be able to enjoy their life, even just a tiny bit more than they otherwise would have.
However, between being impressed and being proud, there is quite the sprawling abyss.
If a single term needed to be chosen to describe Subaru's view of these aspects of his behavior, that word would have to be:
Disgusted.
The mere thought of what he did to himself, oftentimes in the presence of Beatrice, behind the backs of the rest of those who cared about him made his soul retch and reel, nauseously rocked back and forth by the strength of his guilt.
The part of it all that was perhaps the most repulsive to him was the undeniable feeling of relief that followed each and every instance of harm that he inflicted upon himself.
That intoxicating, pervasive, perversely mesmerizing feeling that washed over his aching brain had become nothing short of a drug, the core component of the Skinner Box that he had locked himself in.
And that was perhaps the worst side of it all.
He was the one responsible for this.
He was the one who perpetrated this vicious cycle.
He was the one who struggled to maintain this nefarious charade.
And what did he have to show for it?
The answer to that question would need to wait, for the Court Mage had just replied to his previous statement.
"Ah, I see, I see, yes, of course, it is rather clear, Subaru..."
The boy waited, as the man seemed to hold some additional words in store.
"… but now I would like for you to tell me: who exactly did you believe you could fool with this poor, pitiful act of yours?"
Those words pierced through the knight's soul, staggering his mind.
Then again, he perhaps should have expected such a possibility, but his mind was likely far too weary to think of a scenario such as this one, given its current state.
"Pray tell, even leaving me aside, do you believe the people of this mansion, with whom you share the bonds you so seem to cherish, to be hapless, clueless, naive fools whose perception of you can be steered in whichever direction you please?"
For as much as a quick, impulsive retort was raging within the boy's chest, he did his best to hold it back, knowing all too well that it would have served no purpose outside of worsening an already tense situation.
"For if that is the case, then perhaps the gap between you and I may very well not be nearly as wide as previously surmised, although there would, regardless, still be plenty of work to be done when it comes to refining your… acting."
To an outside observer, the initial impression would likely have been that the two were simply entertaining a conversation, perhaps with some manner of tension and anxiety on behalf of the young knight.
But within him, he was locked into quite the confrontation with his volatile emotions, teetering on an uneasy balance once more.
What Roswaal said had sent a deep, chilling shock through his body and mind.
Of course, the jester would take any and all chances to further his egoistic ends, no matter who or what might be in front of him.
Of course, of all moments, he had to be here now, now that he was trying to take some time for himself to think about what he wanted to do.
Of course, his words would only serve to drag him further downward into that loathsome pit of intrusive thoughts, impulses and sensations.
And with that, followed the familiar succession of uncomfortable questions.
How did I get so careless?
Why am I not good enough to withstand this?
Why do I have to struggle so much for even the smallest bit of happiness?
All those thoughts gathered together, piling on top of each other, crushing him once again.
They were loud, intense, overwhelming.
Once again, it seemed the pattern would repeat itself.
However, in that exact moment, he plucked a single word from the swirling mass of thoughts.
"Enough"
Like a bell's song, it resonated across his mind.
It repelled, but did not clear entirely, the lecherous thoughts.
Within that likely fleeting instance of clarity, the knight managed, not without considerable effort, to let go of at least a portion of the stress, sufficient enough for him to concoct a reply.
"Well, I guess you're not entirely wrong for once!"
The lord leaned slightly backwards as he took in the boy's reply, but waited in silence for a possible continuation on his statement.
"It's true that I am a terrible liar, even at my absolute best, I just can't bring myself to pull it off for the life of me!"
Once more, the jester remained silent, sensing that the young knight may yet have more to utter.
"It's also true that I believed that they wouldn't be able to see through my act, but the reason for that isn't because I think they aren't smart enough to figure it out, it's simply due to the fact that I'm a hopeless coward when it comes to stuff like this! And no, I have no interest in steering their lives in any direction, that's their own choice to make, although I guess that last part might be a little difficult for you to understand…"
In spite of the somewhat venomous content included within the last portion of the boy's reply, the man did not show much of a reaction, aside from a faint groan, followed by a sigh.
After that, Roswaal simply stood up from his seat and began to walk away, stopping at the gazebo's border to glance back.
"Once again, you'd rather waste your potential for the sake of nonsensical goals, instead of focusing it into something truly fulfilling. In all honesty, I don't even know what I was expecting, so perhaps I was a fool to expect anything other than what I already had the opportunity to witness back at the Sanctuary."
It was in that exact moment that Subaru had the chance properly focus on that detail, that "something more going on in the backstage".
It was nothing short of jarring, the Roswaal that he knew would never have reacted that way, he would have likely continued to slither around the conversation, trying in every way to further his goals.
Instead, he was simply leaving, with disappointment painted across his face.
In one way or another, he seemed somehow… dimmed.
Could it be tied to what happened back at the Sanctuary?
Did those events affect him further than he thought? And if so, exactly how much of a change did they cause?
Or was he perhaps simply assuming all of this, and his current behavior was due to something else entirely?
Those questions, however, would not find their respective answers.
"Then again, you are free to do as you see most fitting, given your accomplishments thus far, but do not forget that I will be keeping a keen eye upon you."
With that last threat, the man walked away.
That interaction had begun with unease, tension and anxiety, but now all that the boy was left with was confusion and uncertainty.
But that wouldn't be entirely correct, for there was one more factor present within him, one that had arguably been laying dormant for quite a long while now.
Resolve.
The very same resolve that had guided him so far, the one that had pushed him past the lowest moments of his life.
The same resolve that, throughout his journey, had often slipped away from his grasp, forcing him to struggle to find it again, a struggle that was sometimes eased by those closest to him.
And now, he was metaphorically clinging to it as much as what was left of his strength allowed.
As he did, the words he heard near the beginning of his dream echoed across the landscape of his mind.
"Have you forgotten?"
He simply couldn't make sense of them at first.
What had he forgotten?
Was it something he needed to do? Some other duty to which he was sworn?
Was it a promise he had made?
Then, the realization reached him, like a veil being pulled away from his eyes.
He recalled who that voice belonged to.
It was the voice of the most reviled and despised person in the entire world.
The same person who, apparently, was the direct cause for all the pain and suffering he had been put through so far.
The very same person who had appointed him as the one who would kill her at some point in the unknown future.
That same enigmatic figure to whom he had promised that he would save.
And yet, that promise wasn't what he seemed to have forgotten, for he recalled it in quite vivid detail.
No, what he had forgotten was something else.
Something that, for him, had proved to be a task far more challenging than any heroic feat.
Something that did not originate from those around him, but rather from within his own self.
He had promised that he would try to love himself, even if just a little bit more.
That he would count himself amongst the ones that he wished to save.
A promise that, quite evidently at this point, he had failed to uphold.
The recognition of that fact caused him to lower his head, staring at the ground.
How could he have forgotten?
How could he have grown so complacent with his clearly unstable self?
How could he trample upon the wishes of another, even someone as hated as Satella, when he had dedicated so much of his life in this world to help those around him?
In but a few instants, that resolve he had been clutching close to his chest seemed to wane.
After all, even the most resilient elements of one's life can deteriorate or even fade away outright when bent, snapped and pressured enough times and with enough intesity.
Were he to peruse his psyche's surroundings, he would find himself resting atop a small, shrinking isle of fleeting safety, surrounded by an ocean of hurdles, threats and consequences of past failures.
At this stage, it was rather clear to him that what he was now confronting was something far different from the challenges he had faced up until now.
This was an opponent far more insidious than any beast, Sin Archbishop or ancient scheme.
One that had taken root deep within him.
One that, from its position, held a suffocating grasp over the core components of his being.
One that, for all intents and purposes, seemed insurmountable.
And while many often say that appearances can be deceiving, it does not always manage to provide the intended aid, especially within the borders of a scenery as irrational and impulse-driven as one's own unconscious mind.
In the face of odds such as these, the ever-present sets of questions deployed themselves in front of him.
How did this situation reach such a desperate state?
What could possibly be the solution to this?
Was there even a solution in the first place?
Could this loathing-rotted mind be salvaged somehow, or could its ailments be somehow kept in check?
Or, even worse, was it all simply far beyond the point of no return?
Pondered them as he might, Subaru could only provide a concrete answer to the first of these queries.
An answer that, while already previously stated, was no less comfortable to confront.
It was the fact that he, in reaction to everything that befell him so far, had set in motion the mindset that eventually led to these hopeless circumstances.
He was the one who, within his own mind, had built the insurmountable walls, bottomless pits and labyrinthine trappings of this malignant gaol.
In light of this, the knight closed his eyes, once again took in a deep breath, clutched his hands into fists and then proceeded to let go of as much tension as he could, his hands reopening, his breath released through his mouth and his eyelids parting ways to restore his view.
In that moment, one precise statement made its presence clear within him, illuminated by the aforementioned resolution.
"I carved out this hell for myself, so I have to be the one to undo it!"
A certainly courageous utterance, but where to even begin?
Even with the best of intentions and goodwill, those alone cannot hope to change something so deeply rooted in the warped view he had of himself.
And yet, he began to stride in the direction of the mansion, a determined expression held fast upon his face.
One that stood in defiance of the questions, doubts, thoughts and impulses that surrounded it.
With the clash between these opposing forces being imminent, something began to stir in Subaru's head.
The fundamental, load-bearing pillar of a plan began to hatch.