Otto Suwen, the first person to be summoned to Subaru's room, was contacted by Beatrice who, through astute persuasion and most certainly not mortifying intimidation, convinced him to walk into the room after he had his daily workload taken care of, on the premise that his friend had some incredibly urgent matters to discuss with him.
As for the knight himself, well, he was simply sitting on the chair of his desk, waiting.
Needless to say, those moments before Otto's arrival had been nothing short of nerve-wracking.
Sure, out of all of them, he might have been the one most likely to listen to reason, but it most certainly did not imply that he wouldn't react in an understandably negative fashion upon hearing of what his friend had been doing to himself.
In fact, merely acknowledging the upcoming event was more than enough to attract a familiar menagerie, one consisting of catastrophic predictions and suffocating apprehension.
While he may have been simply sitting in his room, the shape of his mind's current landscape felt far more akin to an arena, one in which he stood surrounded by gates that barely held the monstrous byproducts of his woes at bay.
All he could really do was wait.
A notion that undoubtedly gnawed at him.
Still, he wouldn't simply let it happen, he would endure it, as he had done plenty of times before.
He would not allow anything to come between him and his resolution, not now that he was so close to a potential turning point of his life.
So, those conjurations of his addled imagination could screech and growl as much as they desired, he would force his way right through them if he had to, no matter how arduous a task doing so might prove itself to be.
Or at the very least, that's what he hoped to do, but there was no such thing as certainty when it came to matters pertaining the human mind.
Perhaps fortunately, he didn't have much time to spend dwelling upon his predicament, as he heard the squeaking sound of the door opening, followed by a familiar voice.
"Forgive me, Mister Natsuki, I tried to get here as quickly as possible but I had quite a lot of paperwork to sort through and-"
Before the young merchant even had a chance to finish his sentence, Subaru attempted to dramatically spin in place alongside his chair, possibly both as a display of confidence and an attempt at mimicking the motions of a stereotypical villain.
The key term I would like to emphasize being "attempted".
Unfortunately, an old-fashioned, stiff wooden chair made such a maneuver quite difficult to perform, causing the knight to quickly lose his balance and unceremoniously tumble down to the ground.
Luckily, his reflexes quickly kicked in, allowing him to arrest his ruinously awkward fall just enough to prevent any actual injury.
"-Subaru! What were you even thinking with that stunt?! Are you hurt?"
As the merchant rushed to his friend's aid, the knight quickly stood up, greeting him with his trademark smile.
"Nothing to worry about, Otto! I might have botched my dramatic turn, but I assure you I haven't got a single bruise from that fall!"
To the boy's response, Otto replied with a sigh of relief, after which he quickly glanced around the room as his eyes caught notice of the lowered curtains and generally dim illumination of the room.
"Uhm… so, for what exactly did you call me here? I don't doubt it's something important, given how secretive the atmosphere seems to be… I just hope you haven't come up with yet another needlessly reckless plan!"
To the merchant's question, Subaru let out a faint chuckle, then replied.
"Oh, no, it's none of that this time around! You see Otto, the reason why I wanted you here is because there is something very, very important that I need you, and later on the other people of this mansion, to know."
His tone quickly shifted from his typically whimsical, juvenile flair to a more serious one, one that demanded the undivided attention of his interlocutor.
"So, before getting to it, I need you to promise me something, Otto."
The young man simply nodded in approval, it was clear to discern from his gaze that, whatever the boy in front of him may have said, he would have been ready for it, or at the very least he was bracing himself for what lied in wait.
"Can you promise me that, until I reveal it myself to each of the others, you won't make a single mention, not even in the slightest, of what I am about to tell you?"
Upon hearing those conditions, Otto seemed to be somewhat taken aback, hesitation flashed upon his expression, if only for a few short moments, then nodded in approval.
"Very well then…"
And that, was when the first hurdles reared their ugly heads.
From the trembling gates of the aforementioned arena, a serpentine train of thought slithered out, threatening to ensnare his heart and lungs within the coils of anxiety.
The very same suffocating hold that up until this point prevented him from speaking the truth out loud to the people he cherished the most, in a manner not unlike that of the Witch, every time she halted him from revealing his ability to return from the clutches of death.
Unlike the hold of a tangible creature, however, this one couldn't be escaped from through the means of mere physical exertion.
It couldn't be overcome by direct strength.
It couldn't be overcome by relying on someone else.
This was a battle of sheer, pure and raw strength of will, which was exactly what the boy held onto as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"...I am dealing with a very serious issue right now, one that has to do with the way I handle all the stress I've been going through…"
In response to his words, the merchant replied with a tone that, while mostly calm, betrayed an underlying sense of tension.
"Hm… sorry to interrupt you, but is it related to how you've been acting as of late?"
Upon hearing Otto's question, the boy shook his head and blinked a couple of times, as a hint of disbelief colored his gaze.
"Uh, sorry Otto, but what do you mean by that?"
"Well, I'm not really sure for exactly how long it's been going on, but as of these past few days, you seem to struggle a lot more with your daily routine, even with things as simple as the usual chores and exercises… generally speaking, you seem… tired."
That list of mishaps rained upon his mind like a hail of needles, puncturing and pricking at him.
Had he truly gotten so careless?
What if Otto wasn't the only one who noticed this?
What if-
No, he didn't have time to entertain whatever catastrophic train of thought was trying to worm its way through.
"Well, yeah, I guess you could say that has something to do with it, Otto… but the truth of the matter is that… that…"
Once again, he felt his words being strangled inside of throat, squirming against an unseen force.
It felt akin to standing at the very edge of a precipice.
One that held no certainties concerning what lied below.
One that could very well hide the way towards a better life.
One that could just as well hide the way towards an even worse predicament.
One that, regardless, held the promise of change.
And if he wished for his situation to improve in any significant way, there was no other way out of it if not by taking the plunge down into the unpredictable sea of uncertainty.
A plunge that he did take, in a manner not dissimilar from another plunge he had taken in the past to save those he cared about, albeit in circumstances much different than the current ones.
"...the truth is that, everything that happened to me in these past months took its toll on me, especially on my mind, so much so that, in order to deal with it and silence my thoughts I… I…"
What if he took it worse than expected?
What if he acted out of impulse and ended up making things worse?
What if others followed his example?
What if-
Noticing his friend's expression, one filled with both anticipation and worry, was the nudge that Subaru needed to complete the dreaded sentence.
Be it whatever it could be, he owed it to both himself and his loved ones to at the very least begin to let go of this burden.
So, with both body and mind aching, he spoke.
"...I have been hurting myself, scratching my arms, biting my lips until they bleed… for whatever reason, it helped me ignore the hardships I went through, even if just for a short while…"
Those words fell into the middle of the room, coating its entirety in a deep, deafening silence.
On one side, Subaru felt as if he had just let go of a portion of the burdens that weighed upon his back, for as small as it may have been, it did provide him with some manner of relief.
On the other hand, the expression of the young man in front of him sent a chill running down his spine.
Otto's face was, for lack of a better word, as pale as a white blanket animated by a poltergeist, his eyes' pupils had shrunk down to two small dots, eyes which were clearly welling up with tears. His mouth was only partially open, as if stuck in the midst of attempting to utter something.
But what was worse, from the knight's perspective, was that this was something that he did to his friend.
Something that he did while knowing that, if any of them found out, it would have hurt them far more than he could ever imagine.
Something that he did to himself out of impulse, out of desperation, out of a dire need to wipe away the filth festering in his mind.
Something that he did while he was aware of the fact that the relief would only be temporary, and the long-term consequences would inevitably arrive to collect their dues, sooner or later.
That sight was enough for his body to begin trembling, for no matter how much he may have braced himself for it, nothing could have prepared him well enough.
Before he had the chance to dwell upon his regrets any further, his friend stood up from his seat, his gaze held low, preventing proper eye contact, then approached him slowly.
No words were spoken from him, not before he grabbed Subaru by the collar of his shirt, lifting up his gaze to directly look at him once again, with his eyes now clearly letting out streams of tears.
Many emotions were painted upon Otto's face.
Anger.
Sadness.
Frustration.
Apprehension.
In what could perhaps be seen as a stark contrast the boy's gaze, while clearly sweating and trembling, displayed a measure of calm and self-control.
Then, the merchant's mouth finally released its intended words.
"...why? Just what were you thinking?! Why did you not tell me?! Don't you remember what I told you back in the woods?! I begged you to let me help you, to let me be your friend! I shouted it at the top of my lungs! So why…"
The knight flinched, both in body and mind, upon hearing those words, and so did his heart, as anxiety caused its rate to rise exponentially.
He wanted to say something, anything, but he thought it would be best to control himself and let his friend finish what he had to say in spite of how much it would have hurt, given how delicate and volatile the situation was.
"...why didn't you let me help you? And not just me, but I'm sure all the others here would have been more than glad to help you out with whatever you might be going through, so why?! What's stopping you?! I don't understand…"
If there ever were words that could be considered to be the equivalent of torture for Subaru, those were certainly some of them.
How he wished he could tell him.
How he wished for them to know that what they all witnessed was only a fraction of everything he had put himself through for their sake.
How he wished he could simply tell them all about what was happening to him.
But would that truly change things for the better?
They would never look at him the same way again.
They would be wracked with guilt and despair.
They would likely begin to loathe themselves as much as he did with his own self up until now.
Not to mention of what would happen if anyone hostile to him found out…
It was, even if in a twisted way, perhaps better that his ability remained a jealously-guarded secret.
Still, no matter how rationally he may have assessed the situation, his feelings would not relent in their assault, unknowingly galvanized by his own friend.
They ravenously bit and tore at his consciousness, rabidly attempting to infect him with further fears, doubts and insecurities.
Once more, guilt and fear threatened to consume his sanity.
In response to this, he tried to focus on what, or rather who, was in front of him.
Certainly, his friend was in a rather worrying state as of now, and the words that had just been said to him hurt far more than the merchant could ever be truly aware of.
However, he was also the same person who came to him that night in the woods to motivate him.
The same person who, without really knowing much of anything about him, wished to be his friend.
The same person who, no matter how perilous, would always be willing to help out with whatever audacious endeavor the knight had set out to accomplish.
Clinging to those notions, to those memories, he metaphorically struggled his way through his mental rut, pulling himself out of its choking grasp enough for him to focus his attention back onto reality again.
"...I know, Otto, I know… I was selfish, you have every right to feel the way you do right now and honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't hesitate to punch me in the fa-"
"You moron! That wouldn't solve anything!"
"...well, yeah, you're right… still, I want you to know that I'm sorry, I should have told you and the others much, much sooner, I should have never even thought about doing what I did, but…"
He took a moment of pause to look back at his friend, while Otto had certainly seen better days, he did seem to have calmed down somewhat after the initial outburst.
Upon noticing this, Subaru let out a sigh of deep relief, then resumed his conversation.
"...but now I have put myself into this situation, I have grown addicted to it, making it harder and harder to stop each time I satisfy the urge, so…"
The young man clutched his fists and, in what could only be described as a Herculean effort on his part, swallowed his pride.
"...I wanted you to know this, and not just you, I want everyone in this mansion who cares about me to know that I am going through this, to know that I am nowhere near as fine as they may have thought… even though I might be asking for a lot… I want them to know that I need their help."
Once more, silence walked its steps across the dimly lit room. To an external listener, it must have felt truly jarring, to first hear faint whispers of conversation, then the roaring of an argument, only to be followed by an almost unnerving absence of any sound.
What if someone overheard?
What if someone grew suspicious?
What if someone tried to barge through the door, just like how it happened befor-
Again, these buzzing, slithering thoughts were swatted away by their prey, who tightly clenched his fists as his friend loosened his grip around his collar, the tension previously tangible within that gesture had now left room for a more rational stance, albeit one that was still painted with strokes of apprehension.
Perhaps it had been a mere trick, a suggestion, a vague resemblance, but Subaru found that expression to look unpleasantly familiar.
He felt as if he had very recently witnessed it, it felt as if he had seen that look on his face just yesterday, and in a way, he did.
But this time, just like many other times he repeatedly faced whatever hurdles this world threw in his way, the situation was not quite the same.
This time, he would make things right, or at the very least bring them as close as possible to what he believed to be what was best for the situation at hand.
And just as his mind was about to drift back into that daily, grueling struggle against itself, he caught sight of his friend letting out a sigh of relief, one that was quickly followed by a faint, yet determined smile.
Even though Subaru's face did not mimic the expression, his inner self was indeed relieved.
For the first time in a fairly long while, the boy felt some manner of respite from everything that had transpired up until that moment.
And that very same sensation of respite encouraged him to present a smile of his own.
"So… can I count on you, Otto Suwen?"
To the knight's question, the merchant replied with a slight chuckle, followed by a determined gaze.
"Do you even need to ask? As the head of internal affairs of the Emilia Camp… no, as Subaru Natsuki's friend, I promise you to do my absolute best to ensure his plans come to fruition, no matter how insane they might be!"
The tension that permeated the room's atmosphere just a few moments ago seemed to have subsided substantially, especially as the two occupants shook hands in agreement.
"Then it's settled! Now, Otto, I need you to take care of something for me…"
"Sure thing, Mister Natsuki!"
"...oh right, about that, I get it that you want to be formal and all, but from now on, would you mind just calling me Subaru?"
The merchant shrugged slightly, seemingly surprised by the boy's request.
"Uh… no, not at all! It's just gonna take a while to unlearn that habit, so I ask you to be patient, Mist- Subaru!"
"Great! Let this be the start of a new chapter in our friendship's tale!"
Subaru exclaimed enthusiastically, striking his signature pose while looking no less ridiculous and at the same time no less endearing than what would be expected of him.
After his friend fittingly burst out laughing at the knight's antics, much to the latter's chagrin, the merchant was given a rundown of his friend's plan.
Wishing to assist in any way he could, Otto offered to keep Petra occupied while Subaru talked with Ram, so that Frederica would be free to take care of whatever chores she had on her hands.
After a brief rendezvous with Beatrice, the plan shifted over to its next target: the abrasive pink-haired maid.
-
Unlike with the Head of Internal Affairs, convincing Ram to not only hear out what Subaru had to say to her, but to do so while alone in the same room as him proved to be a rather daunting task.
Still, thanks to Beatrice and Otto's insistence, she eventually accepted "to put herself through such an agonizing form of torture", in her own words.
Meanwhile, Frederica agreed to keep Petra occupied, on the account that she would be informed of what the young knight had to disclose, to which everyone present agreed.
For the second time, the mastermind behind this operation was left in his room to wait.
To ponder.
To think.
No matter how much he would have preferred to stare at the room's only door in empty, perhaps even blissful contemplation, the howling of his own thoughts resonated clear and seemingly inexorable from behind the gates of his mind's Colosseum.
They grinned at him, as if waiting for something, most likely a moment of weakness, a gap in his barely held together confidence.
But for now, they mostly seemed to simply lie in wait, likely due to the boy's recent "victory".
For as short-lived as it may have been fated to be, there was some semblance of calm within the young man's mind.
Said calm was, however, promptly interrupted by the sound of regular, insistent knocking.
"Do you actually intend to let me in, Barusu? Or are you willing to waste even more of my time than what I had initially assumed?"
Somewhat startled, Subaru immediately snapped his attention back to reality.
"Well, if you ask me that way, who am I not to oblige you, Ram? Just kidding, come in!"
"Hmph, the sheer nerve of you…"
The maid replied, as she stepped into the room.
Bracing himself, the knight took a short, deep breath, and addressed his interlocutor.
"So, Ram, you must be wondering why I decided to speak with you in these… admittedly strange circumstances…"
Taking his time to size up the young woman in front of him, he almost instinctively set his sight upon her gaze.
While it was filled with the very same cold scorn and spite he knew her for, he wondered if he could pick up on any cues from possible changes and alterations in her expression.
"Actually, no, I honestly could not care less, I am simply here to get this annoyance out of the way so I can resume tending to my daily duties."
Accompanying her sharp retort, a slight frown could be seen hanging from her lips.
In response, Subaru let out a slight chuckle, only to narrow his gaze into a more serious expression almost immediately after.
Still riding the wave of his previous victory, he prepared himself.
He clenched his teeth and his hands.
He closed his eyes.
He took a deep breath.
And upon opening his eyes again, he allowed his inner prisoner to speak freely, if only for this moment, once again taking the plunge into the unknown, into an even deeper layer of that sprawling abyss of uncertainty.
"Very well then, as to not waste any more of your precious time, I will get straight to the point! Ram, I have something very important to tell you!"
Before he continued his sentence, he could notice a slight change in the maid's expression, something akin to a slight twitch in one of her eyes, barely perceivable, but it was definitely there.
Could he have caught her interest?
Could she have been onto him?
She did seem awfully insistent on getting to the bottom of the situation in the previous loop, after all…
Still, he did not have time to dawdle, he had to maintain his momentum at all costs, for his wretched thoughts could catch up to him at any moment.
"In order to deal with everything that I have been through so far, I… I…"
In spite of his tone, the boy was staggered for a few moments, by what appeared as mere hesitation from an outsider's perspective.
But by now, we know rather well what transpires behind the curtains of his façade, don't we?
And if we were to peer once more through said curtains, what we would see is a prisoner, one who has just recently broken through the bars that were holding him within his cell and is now running through the labyrinthine trappings of this metaphorical jail.
But for how long can he try to escape, before his inner wardens manage to drag him back where his irrational self believes to belong?
It was no revelation to him that, if he wished to break out of those dreadful confines, it would be required of him to break through each of the walls and obstacles he himself had set up around his heart.
As he resolved to finish his sentence, yet another matter caught his attention, or rather, the absence of it:
Ram, the person who, ever since the very first day he found himself within the mansion, had never wasted any chances to berate, belittle and demean him.
And yet, in what in his eyes would have been the perfect occasion to address him as a stumbling, indecisive fool, she did not seem to utter a single word.
It was, for lack of a better term, simply jarring to see her silently, some would dare to say even patiently, waiting for him to speak what remained of his utterance.
What could have possibly happened? Was he far too distracted by the tension pervading the situation to notice that she did, in fact, deal out her usual dose of verbal abuse, with him being none the wiser? Perhaps he had become so used to it that his brain simply filtered it out as if it were background noise?
Setting these queries aside, not wishing to try the oni's patience any further, he quickly shrugged, and carried on:
"I… have harmed myself, I scratched at my arms to the point of tearing the skin off, I bit my lips hard enough to spill blood from them, I did all sorts of horrible things to myself, because it felt like the one and only way I had to relieve all the stress, pressure and suffering I've endured up until now!"
While the knight didn't necessarily shout, his words were rather clear, if only slightly marred by a hint of anxious haste behind them.
Without relent, he continued:
"I am talking about it now, because I… I need your help! I need you, Otto, Garfiel, Mili and the others… I know I have relied a lot upon all of you up until now, and that I am probably asking for a lot more than what I really deserve, but…"
Subaru took another moment of pause to gaze at his interlocutor, for he had lowered his head before continuing his speech.
He thought of the person standing in front of him.
She had been… difficult to work with, to say the least, especially when it came to conversation.
And yet, she was also the same person who, in spite of what he had come to expect, stood by his side, aiding him in whatever feat of heroism he had decided to tackle, no matter how arduous it may have proven to be.
And it was that same person who, in that moment, was refusing to make eye contact with him.
Her gaze had been averted from him, instead now pointing to her right, seemingly staring at nothing but the empty wall, with her hair obscuring the side of her face within Subaru's field of vision.
Still, he could clearly spot her mouth opening for just a brief moment, only to quickly clench her teeth.
Nervous was most certainly a word that could be used to describe her outward state in that moment, and it was not difficult for the knight to see why.
That did not lessen the sense of surprise that he felt, especially when he noticed that Ram's crossed arms were clutching each other with a noticeable amount of force, likely as a means of keeping her inner tension under control.
"Ram… is everything ok?"
The boy was nothing short of bewildered, as understandable as the girl's reaction was, he had only seen her so distressed once before.
A memory that, for the most part, he would have rather left buried, and yet the failed loop in which her twin sister had died in his place, leaving her with nothing but grief and rage, bore a striking resemblance to what little emotional vulnerability she was displaying right now, albeit on a fairly smaller scale.
That, however, did not diminish the evident state of unease and discomfort she was in, as he instinctively approached her, cautiously and slowly stretching out one of his hands in an attempt to provide some manner of comfort.
A hand that was rather abruptly brushed off with a sudden swipe of her arm, causing him to flinch and fall back for a couple of steps.
This motion, perhaps unwillingly on her part, also allowed the knight to gain a better look into her uncovered eye.
While none had been spilled yet, it was quite clearly brimming with tears.
Her entire stance after knocking him away also gave away a somewhat continuous shivering.
In a way, Subaru was almost relieved to see that, in spite of her thorny exterior, she did indeed care about him enough for her to react this way upon learning of his woes, but that did nothing to stop a crushing tidal wave of guilt that quickly enveloped him.
Within its grimy, wretched and muddied waters, he could feel the furious strength of a hundred voices, grasping at his soul and threatening to drag him deeper and deeper down, drowning him in a whirlpool of regrets.
In the water's reflection, he could see not only the friend he had hurt by doing what he did to himself, but those he had left behind to get all the way up to this point, those who, in that inconceivable present, were still mourning him.
Was it truly worth it to leave them behind?
Why couldn't he hold on just a while longer?
Why didn't he possess the strength to hold on just enough to be confronted about his behavior?
Why wasn't he good enough?
In response, almost as if in a macabre tandem, he once again felt the urge to bite down on his lips, to appease the cruel jury of his mind.
And for a few, short instants, he did consider following through with it, he did indeed think about plunging his teeth into his lower lip, enough to spill that small red line, the mark that, for a short while, his debt had been paid.
But he then looked at the girl in front of him, he focused his view on her distraught expression.
Is this what she would want?
Is this what any of the people who cared about him would want?
Is this what he truly wishes for?
Suddenly, there was a long moment of silence within the boy's mind, the maelstrom of doubt and guilt splitting apart, its fragments held still by his resolution.
Until a single, simple, yet powerful word resonated out of his inner self:
"No."
Following it, there were other sentences that roared out within his head.
"This is not what I want, nor what any of my friends would ever wish for."
With each word, the waves receded, their foul waters evaporating into indistinct clouds of vague, unintelligible whispers.
"This is all just a sick charade I've put up because I was too damn prideful to admit that I… that I…"
Despite having admitted to it before, it still felt jarring to say so, even if just within his own head.
"…that I need help, that I can't take all of this alone, that I need to open up and be as honest as I can with those who care about me!"
Following that acknowledgement, his own eyes began to fill up with tears.
And as they did, he lowered his head, giving the maid a short bow, one that displayed feelings of shame and regret.
Before he could speak, he finally heard the maid's voice:
"You… you have to be the lowest of the low, I can't believe that you could be so… so… just what were you thinking, Barusu?! What good did you think that would do? What possessed you to believe that doing what you did would solve anything?"
Ram's words did usually sting, but being confronted like that only served to further amplify the usual impact, which at that point had become akin to a slight prick, into a deeper stab.
But that was nothing he hadn't powered through before, and so he did, narrowing his eyes and mustering up the courage to look back at her.
"You're right, Ram, what I have done is nothing short of… let's see, how would you put it… idiotic? Yeah, that checks out…"
The maid scoffed in response.
"It is more than just that, it's utterly insane, not to mention that you completely avoided reaching out about it up until now, and for what purpose? What could you possibly stand to gain by doing what you did behind everyone's back?!"
"…nothing, Ram, in the end… I gained nothing from doing this, nothing except trapping myself in a vicious cycle of harmful habits…"
After a brief moment of pause between the two, the maid replied:
"…exactly…"
In spite of her harsh, cold tone, it was rather clear that she was still deeply shocked by what had been revealed to her.
What was also obvious, was the fact that, in spite of her usually harsh treatment of the boy, she had come to care for him in more recent times, even though she would have rather faced a thousand deaths than admit to it.
"I'm sorry, Ram, I've been an even bigger idiot than usual, I've shut myself in my own twisted view of things… all I ask of you is, if you can find it within yourself, to forgive me and, if you wish, to help me escape these wretched habits I've got myself stuck into…"
A few seconds passed by, although they felt like minutes in the perspective of the anxious knight, awaiting for his friend's judgement to be passed upon him.
Finally, the silence was broken, as the maid gracefully wiped off the tears from her face:
"…while Barusu's existence is indeed an unforgivable crime, it is also true that you have proved time and again to be reliable enough to see us through quite a few difficult times, so while I may never forgive you, it is Ram's duty to ensure that you never, ever get the chance to inflict harm upon yourself!"
For as poisonous as those words may have sounded like, Subaru could tell that Ram's words did ring with a hint of affection, even though it was hidden behind mountains of insults, which brought a smile to his face.
A similar smile had found its way upon the maid's lips, who now had regained most of her usual composure, although the aftermath of what she had just been through had still left its mark upon her.
"From tomorrow onwards, you will be working alongside Ram on twice as many chores, with either me or Frederica watching over you throughout the day, so you'd better not even dream of slacking off to satisfy your perverted impulses, have I made myself clear, Barusu?"
The girl's fierce announcement plucked a chuckle out of Subaru, who answered promptly:
"…thank you, Ram, for still wishing to stand by my side in spite of what I did."
His words were met with a characteristic pout from her.
"Ram never said anything along those lines, so you'd do well to keep any of your lecherous fantasies in check, Barusu!"
"Alright, alright, whatever you say Ram… upon my honor as a knight, I swear to work twice as hard, both for the people of this mansion and for myself!"
While there weren't any words of reply from her, her gaze did speak of an expectation for him to uphold his vow, after which she turned around, let out an exhausted sigh and left the room.
And with that, our hero felt yet another weight lifted off of his shoulders, yet another friend to whom he had bared one of his darkest secrets, making that burden just a little bit lighter.
He sat back on his chair, savoring what little respite there would have been before moving on to the next step of his plan.
-
While convincing Ram had proved itself to be quite the daunting task, inviting Garfiel Tinsel turned out to be… mostly free of opposition on his side. In fact, the young boy seemed somewhat overjoyed at the prospect of a private conversation with the person he clearly looked up to.
In the meantime, Subaru was left with little to do, and that was perhaps for the best.
Brief as they may have seemed, the previous two encounters had left him on the brink of exhaustion.
A fatigue that did stem from exertion of his body, but rather from his mind.
A mind that had been pushed to its limit, and would still be forced to tread upon a treacherous and arduous path.
But for how long?
How long, before it would be too much to bear?
How long, before the determination he clutched near to his heart would falter?
How long, befor-
"YO! Capn'! Caught wind that ya wanted to tell me somethin'!"
In what could perhaps be defined as an unwitting act of providential interruption, Garfiel had roaringly barged into the room, kicking the door open and taking a couple of steps forward, only to have that same door closing shut behind him, likely thanks to a disgruntled Beatrice.
An act that caused Subaru to almost fall off from his chair once more, startled as he was by the sudden entrance.
"Woah Capn'! I get that I'm incredibly handsome and all, but don't ya think ye're overreactin' a bit over here?"
Quickly gathering back his "knightly composure", Subaru cleared his throat and replied heartily:
"Sorry about that one, Garf, these past few days have been doing a number on me, which kind of leads into what I wanted to talk about…"
The blond-haired boy walked over to the knight, with an expression of both smug confidence and juvenile curiosity.
"Then whatcha waitin' for, Capn'? Spit it out!"
Now, Subaru had thought of several possible approaches when it came to telling Garfiel about his situation.
Putting any of those ideas into proper practice, however, was an entirely different matter.
How was he to not only explain what he had been doing, but also what it entailed and most importantly why he had been doing it.
Just how was he supposed to put it in a way that wouldn't solicit too impulsive of a reaction from the boy in front of him?
That person was someone who admired and looked up to him, someone that he had grown to respect and care for.
Over the course of almost a whole year since the events of the Sanctuary, he was as close to a bigger brother as he could possibly be to the demi-human youth.
And perhaps, right there was where the key lied.
"Well… Garfiel, before I tell you what's been going on, I would ask something of you."
For as much confidence as the knight could muster, there was a clear hint of agitation behind it.
A hint that Garfiel clearly caught onto, as his expression shifted into a narrow, focused gaze as he nodded, awaiting his Captain's request.
"What I am about to tell you, I would like to say it as your friend, rather than as your Captain. Would that be ok for you?"
A portion of Garfiel's focus left space for what could only be read as confusion.
"Uh… whaddya mean, Capn'? Wait… like… would ya prefer if I stopped callin' you Capn'? You wanna be called somethin' different? Is that it?"
With a sigh, the knight took a moment to think it through, a moment to assess his current position and concoct a proper reply.
But as he walked his mind through those steps, he exposed himself once again to its perilous surroundings.
This time around, the landscape was warped by his thoughts into the shape of a deep forest, the branches of its dead trees entangled with each other to impede his vision, to confound and disorient him.
Alongside the hostile architecture of this labyrinth, the fear of his friend's emotional reaction manifesting in the shape of a prowling, fearsome beast, its eyes set upon him, hungering for his sanity much like the creatures he had faced into the woods surrounding the village of Arlam hungered for his flesh.
It circled around him, tightening its perimeter with each step the young man took, its growling lungs making themselves heard louder and louder.
"…no, Garfiel, that's not what I meant. What I mean is that, right now, I'm not talking to you as your Captain, but as a friend…"
Some of his friend's confusion seemed to slightly subside, as he waited for Subaru to finish speaking.
"…a friend in need of your help."
With that conclusion to his statement, he could feel the metaphorical beast's fangs and claws lunging at him, aiming for his heart and throat, to which he reacted by grabbing a hold of the creature's neck with both of his arms and, not without considerable effort, slamming it down, pinning its body to the ground, trying to keep it at bay to the best of his ability.
Despite taking place entirely within his subconscious, the struggle's consequences made themselves known through a distinct trembling in his hands.
"Hm… yeah, I think I've got it, Capn'! Go on ahead, say what you've gotta say!"
At this stage, taking yet another plunge was Subaru's only option, one that he took without much hesitation on his part.
"Alright then… Garfiel, I've told you about many of the stuff I've been through, haven't I?"
"You sure as hell did, Capn'! I still struggle to believe some of em, but dontcha worry, I trust ya to be tellin' the whole truth!"
"Yeah… well, as you can imagine, they've been quite the trials for me, and there's something that… I haven't told you yet about it."
"Come on, Capn'! Stop beatin' around that damn bush and say it already!"
"Alright, alright… I… I've been having a really tough time dealing with all the pressure, all the stress… everything that has happened up until now has pushed me to… to hurt myself."
Confusion, bewilderment, puzzlement, perplexity and bafflement were all words that could be used to describe the look in Garfiel's eyes.
"I know it may sound strange, but… it made me ignore the pain of struggling through every single obstacle in my way, even if just for a while, it numbed me to the stress, it made me feel as if I was making up for all my mistakes and…"
His speech was, however, quickly interrupted by a tight grip around his shoulders.
"…mistakes? Just what the hell are ya talkin' about? And what the hell's the deal with this friggin' hurting yourself nonsense you're going on about?!"
The knight could feel his body being shaken with considerable strength, and his subconscious alongside it, as his inner self desperately tried to fight off the monster's vicious, ravenous attempts to devour him.
After all, he didn't know.
All Garfiel and the others ever saw were his "good" runs.
His "successful" attempts.
They never witnessed just how many missteps he had made.
How many times he failed to save them.
How many times he broke down.
And up until now, how many times he inflicted pain upon himself as a means to silence his nearly-delirious mind.
With each remembrance of his past shortcomings, he felt the beast tearing open a wound within his heart, with the clear intention of feasting upon every fleshy bit of it…
…but he hadn't reached up until this far, only to allow his fears to devour him when he was so close to succeeding.
The young man clutched his friend's shoulders and, mimicking his gesture, slowly, but relentlessly, pulled himself up from the chair.
Mirroring his reaction, his inner self managed to establish a firm grasp around the beast's neck.
"…I know it sounds absurd, Garf, I know…"
He stared into the boy's bright green eyes, now dim with distress, disappointment and barely-contained rage.
His inner self stared into the eyes of the beast.
"…but it's the truth, I'm not as unstoppable as you might believe me to be… I… I… I have my limits, just like anyone else… and right now, no, now more than ever… I need your help, I need you and the others to help me out of this loop I've got myself stuck into!"
With those words, perhaps out of impulse, or simply as means to add emphasis to what he just said, the knight headbutted his demi-human friend with enough strength to cause the both of them to flinch and stumble back from each other.
Through a desperate effort, his inner self snapped the beast's neck, letting its lifeless body fall down to the side, watching it slowly dissolve into little more than dust in the wind.
There wasn't much of a wait between Subaru's sudden gesture and Garfiel's reaction, or rather, he didn't expect that there would be any.
And yet, his friend didn't react for a while.
For a fair few moments, he simply stood there.
One of his hands clutching his forehead in pain, his gaze lowered.
The other clenched into a fierce fist.
Then he stared back, and approached him.
"…I really, really don't know what the hell's gotten into you, Capn'…"
The knight braced himself, he knew that, of all people, Garfiel was never the delicate type, and preferred to have his brashly direct actions do the talking in the stead of his wits.
"…but you can bet all you damn want I'm beatin' it out of that thick skull of yours!"
When the demi-human lifted up his head to look up at his Captain, the latter found himself surprised.
He expected a furious expression, fueled by nothing but sheer anger and disappointment.
Instead, he found the most determined, smug grin he had ever seen upon that boy's face ever since the day he met him.
"…thank you Garf, I'm glad to know I can count on y-"
Subaru's relief was cut rather short.
But to understand exactly how, I would ask of you to momentarily switch our perspective away from the room, and instead move it outside the mansion.
Then, I would ask of you to focus your attention upon the window leading into our protagonist's room.
Look closer, what is that, flying out of said window?
A bird?
A piece of furniture?
Some other unspecified entity?
No, it's none other than Subaru Natsuki, screaming as he is being unceremoniously hurled at a diagonally upwards angle!
"You better hear me out Capn'! I'm beating some damn sense back into you, whether you like it or not!"
Garfiel spoke out, likely unaware of the fact that the knight was far too preoccupied with finding a way to arrest his ruinous fall through the branches belonging to the trees that surrounded the mansion.
After a timely rescue from Beatrice, and the conjoined efforts from her, Ram and Otto to hold back Garfiel from following through with his… audacious, if brutal, endeavor, the situation finally regained a semblance of tranquility.
Once the adrenaline settled down, Subaru walked his way back to his room, with his trust spirit companion at his side, holding his hand all the way.
"Just what went through your mind, I suppose?! Do you have any idea how much danger did you put yourself in, I wonder?"
"Oh Beako, believe me, I do! But you should be used to it by now, shouldn't you? I mean, you know that if one of my plans doesn't involve at least some manner of peril, it just isn't a plan of mine! Still… it's rather sweet and cute of you to worry the way you do, you know?"
While Beatrice was preparing one of her sharp retorts, that last phrase caused her to burst into an avalanche of incomprehensible growls, in a manner not dissimilar from a disgruntled housecat.
After a bit more playful bickering, the two arrived within the mansion proper, at which point Beatrice suddenly halted her stride.
As Subaru looked down in an attempt to discern what could have caused the spirit to stop, he saw her gaze meeting his own.
"Is Betty's Subaru ready, I wonder?"
Due to both the general fatigue and the fact he had just recently been tossed out of a window with inhuman strength, it took him a few seconds to understand the meaning of that question.
Then, it hit him.
Was he ready to step into the last segment of his plan?
Was he ready to see her?
Was he ready to reveal what he had revealed to the others?
Most importantly, was he prepared to deal with the aftermath of his choices?
It felt as if an entire platoon of questions had assembled in front of him, with the knight's doubts wielded as spears and shields, ready to repel any and all attempts at breaking through.
"…honestly? I'm not, and I don't think I'll ever be…"
Subaru uttered, his voice clearly shaking between his teeth.
"…but I have to do it, it's the only way out of this mess I've made."
After completing his sentence, he felt something:
A slight tug of his sleeve, pointing downwards.
He lowered his posture, effectively sitting on his knees, evening out the sizeable height difference between him and Beatrice.
Without any further words, she wrapped her arms around her contractor's head and neck, effectively embracing him, to which he answered in kind.
"Well… this is awfully nice of you, Beako, but why now, of all moments?"
"Betty simply wanted her Subaru to know that he's been doing a good job with his plan, I suppose!"
He felt the hug tightening ever so slightly, with what meager strength the spirit's small frame possessed.
"Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, I want you to know that, no matter what the half-elf might think of you after your conversation with her, Betty will always stay by her foolish contractor's side, I suppose."
The urge to let out even just a handful of tears was most certainly there, but so was the urge to hold them in, to steel himself against the coming hardships.
"…thank you, Beako, I couldn't ask for a better spirit, no… for a better friend."
The hug tightened once again, this time accompanied by a slight pout, and then it was released.
The two exchanged one last expression of understanding, before walking back up to the knight's room.
The door was closed, but before Beatrice could even begin to speak, Subaru held a feeling within himself, an inkling, a suspicion.
"Betty forgot to mention it, but the half-elf is already within your room, waiting for you. Explaining to her that she didn't need to worry while that brute was throwing you out of the window has been quite the handful, I suppose!"
"…you know, I thought as much! Ah… my Mili, I'm always making you worry, and now… now…"
He felt Beatrice's hands clutching around one of his own.
With the other hand, he leaned down and delivered a few pats on her head, greeting the spirit's apprehensive look with a warm, genuine, if visibly tired smile.
"It will be alright, Beako, all I ask of you is to trust me, alright?"
A nod from her was all the knight needed to stand back up, facing towards his room.
He took a few steps, his heart weighing heavy within his chest, pulled on the doorknob and pushed just enough to open it.
-
Quite the amount of time had passed by.
The sun had begun to set, its departure coloring the clouds.
A fresh, gentle breeze blew through the opened windows.
And beyond one set of said windows, one could see a simple, small room.
A room within which two peculiar figures were standing in front of each other.
One was a half-elven girl with bright silver hair and amethyst-colored eyes.
The other was the young man who had sworn to serve as her knight.
The former wore a light smile, one that betrayed a slight hint of apprehension, but that overall painted her mood in beaming delight, likely due to the presence of the person in front of her.
The latter also wore a smile, one that, if we didn't know any better, could fool an observer into believing that he was mostly alright, if perhaps a bit tired.
Before he could even begin to assess the situation, before he could contemplate any plausible patter of thought, she had already walked up to him.
Each and every one of her steps caused the boy's heart to tremble.
No matter how much he wished to hide it, nothing frightened him more than this fated encounter.
Upon any other occasion, he would have leapt with joy and trepidation and the mere thought of spending time with the very first person who had ever shown him kindness since he first arrived in this world, that special someone who had come to mean so much to him over the course of the time they had spent together.
Their relationship had grown far past the superficial, juvenile antics of its beginnings, but it was still far from fully maturing.
And he was terrified of ruining it.
Of making that one unforgivable misstep.
Of hurting her so deeply and irreparably that she would never look into his eyes again.
Of losing her after so many efforts and sacrifices he had made just so he could be at her side.
The mere thought of any of those possibilities being shaped into an irrefutable reality towered far and above all other concerns, above every other doubt and fear.
Up until now, his friends had been… surprisingly understanding of his situation, perhaps because they had seen him hitting the bottom of the barrel enough times to somewhat expect that, behind all that confidence, was a deeply scarred person.
But Emilia? She had only ever seen him cry twice, and even then, she was only aware of an infinitesimal fraction of what he had been through.
He always strived to show her what he thought was the best of himself, he always tried to appear as a knight in shining armor, as a beacon of hope.
Up until now, his pride wouldn't even let him dream of anything remotely close to opening up about his struggles.
And now here he was, inches away from that fateful moment.
What will she say?
How will she react?
Just how deeply was he going to hurt her?
Within his mind, his inner self had once again been surrounded by the dreadful courtroom.
Each question and doubt taking on the appearance of a blurred, shadowy silhouette with vaguely humanoid proportions.
The various seats around the suspect's stand were filling up, slowly and inexorably, as each of them eagerly awaited the verdict.
Taking up the seat of the judge, was a figure he was all too familiar with:
A young, broken man.
His eyes were tired, sunken, yet they glowed with malevolent glee.
His black hair was unkempt, left to flutter about in the wind.
It was, for most intents and purposes, the spitting image of the worst of all his foes: himself.
Something, or rather, someone's voice broke the silence that had allowed him to dwell upon that wretched imagery.
"Are you o-k, Subaru? I was reeeaaally worried when I heard you shouting, what happened? Beatrice told me you wanted to talk to me about something important, but first I want to make sure that you aren't hurt!"
It was a sweet, soft voice, but with a clear hint of worry adorning it.
A voice that invoked an uncanny dissonance of feelings within him, joy pitted against dread.
"Oh, Mili, there's nothing to worry about! I just had a bit of an… uh… I guess you could call it an argument with Garfiel! No problem though, we just needed to talk it out, real-"
The faint blue glow of healing magic, placed at the height of his bruised forehead, stopped him in the middle of his justifications.
Nothing to worry about? The magnitude of his lie, along with its impending consequences, hung over him like a sharp pendulum.
"Did you get into a fight with him again? I thought you had already sorted things out back at the Sanctuary…"
"Uh… well, you know how he tends to be, it's just that we had a couple more things to discuss, and he has his own special way of expressing himself, so…"
A sudden gesture almost caught him off his guard, as she grabbed a hold of his right hand and began pulling him across the room, all the way to his bed, inviting him to sit upon it alongside her.
An invitation which he almost instinctively accepted.
For as much as his pride wished to hide it, he had longed to see her again, to feel her gentle touch, to hear her sweet, soothing voice.
But all of these considerations only further exacerbated the fear of those joys slipping away within what could very well be the next few minutes.
In front of his inner judge were the scales, the two contrasting emotions balanced upon them, and little by little, the weight of his fears had begun mounting up.
The knight had little time to ponder it, though, as he snapped his perspective back to reality just in time to realize another troublesome fact:
He had been shivering, trembling and quivering ever since he had first set foot into this room.
A fact that did not sneak away unnoticed by his lady, who slowly placed her other hand upon the arm whose hand she had been holding.
What would in almost all cases be considered a comforting, relaxing gesture caused him to shudder.
But why?
Why now, of all moments?
Then, an understanding of his own reaction washed over him like a deluge of freezing water.
She had unknowingly placed her hand upon one of the deepest scars he had inflicted to himself.
On any other day, he could have easily clung to his mask, he could have simply choked down his own impulse and carried on as if nothing had happened.
But that simply wasn't an option anymore.
Especially now that, upon looking into the girl's eyes, the pupils of which had slightly shrunken down, he noticed that her startled expression announced her state of concern to have fully developed into anxiety, as she instinctively clutched the hand that she was still holding.
As he saw her lips parting, likely to speak of the fact, he quickly opened his own.
"I'm sorry, Mili, I… well, this… this has to do with what I wanted to tell you about…"
While she didn't utter a single word, she did nod as a sign of understanding, and her agitation did seem to ever so slightly subside, barely noticeable of a change as it was.
He then lowered his gaze down to the ground and continued:
"…you see, Mili, I've been going through a lot recently and… and…"
Never before had he cursed his pride more than now.
Why was it so herculean an effort to say it out loud?
He had done it not once, not twice, but thrice before!
And yet there he stood, in the dead middle of his sentence, as if stuck in a boundless mire.
A predicament at which his judge, jury and executioner were grinning with mocking delight.
For all of his determination, bravery and goodwill, there still seemed to be a definite limit to just how far along he could push himself without succumbing to the mental fatigue of keeping his treacherous thoughts at bay.
And he was treading dangerously close to it.
And as of now, what was left of his courage's candle was but a dim, flickering light.
A light that he clung to nonetheless, as he walked onwards, for one way or another, he would tear down that veil of lies he had carefully laid upon his grotesque hatred of his own self.
"And… it's been really, really hard for me to deal with it, so much so that… that…"
Determined as he may have been, dragging himself through the mud of his prideful stubbornness was far from an easy task.
The judge's gaze upon him, the suffocating coils of anxiety and the crushing weight of his weariness piled up more and more pressure upon his shoulders, hoping to stifle or, even more fiendishly, halt all cries and pleas.
In the few moments before continuing his sentence, his heart almost exploded with agitation, his eyes burned and his lungs almost shut themselves off.
It felt as if his voice was being constantly dragged back down into his body, constantly held from escaping.
"…THAT I HAVE BEEN HURTING MYSELF, JUST SO I COULD DEAL WITH IT ALL!"
To define what the boy had just put into his loud, desperate cry as effort would be reductive.
It felt as if those would be the last words he would ever utter, before leaving his mortal coil, not that such a fate would provide him with any manner of peace, given his peculiar ability.
At that point, he had naught left to do but brace himself for the half-elf to reply.
But much to his horror and dismay, he did not hear her voice for a long, long while.
He knew not how much time had exactly passed from when he spoke out, but it most certainly felt like ages to him.
A wait that tortured him through and through, each second causing the serpent of anxiety to tighten its vicious grip.
Out of desperation, he shifted his gaze slightly in the direction of the person that he held most dear.
And in that moment, a part of him wishes he never did, for what the scene he laid his eyes upon sent a thousand chills down his already rattling spine:
His sight first fell upon his arm, an arm that, caught in his emotional haze as he was, Subaru had failed to notice its sleeve being pulled up, exposing several scars, each displaying varying degrees of grisly depth.
Then, he followed from the hand that had rolled up the sleeve, all the way across her arm, and finally staring at Emilia's face.
It almost felt as if he had been looking at a statue of solid, unmoving stone.
Her face was frozen, stuck in a timeless state of horrifying realization.
Her pupils had now shrunken down to two small dots, barely distinguishable as they surrounded with ever-growing tears.
Her mouth stood half open, tied between urgently gasping for air and to release a blood-curdling scream.
Her entire body seemed enveloped by the paralysis of a deep, soul-wrenching shock.
Upon witnessing the one he loved in such a state, as if mirroring hers, a similar expression leapt its way onto the young man's face.
But there was one important exception to his mimicry:
There were no tears, or rather, none that he allowed to surface.
In that moment, a loud, clear "voice" echoed across his skull's judgement hall.
"There are no tears that can be shed until you have paid your dues..."
It was all-engulfing, all-encompassing, it resonated with the highest of authorities, locking out any and all attempts at a proper emotional response.
"…not until you've paid for what you've done."
Simply put, he had no way of preventing that terrifying utterance from enforcing its will in the present moment, but the knight chose to ignore it for the time being, as his focus rested solely and exclusively upon the young woman in front of him.
With what little strength he could still gather within his arms, he reached out, laying them upon her shoulders.
"…Mili, I… I'm so… I'm so sorry… I…"
Those were the words he wished would come out of his lips, but in spite of their simplicity, they were choked into his own throat before they could ever hope to leave.
Unable to properly speak, he leaned closer to his lady, holding her in a trembling embrace.
No matter how much his body cried out for it, his mind would not allow any tears to be shed, not yet.
As he attempted to tighten his embrace, he finally heard her voice again, faint, but audible.
"…why…"
Stuck between wishing to reply and wanting to hear out what she had to say, he waited.
"…is it… is it because I… did I…"
He immediately shrugged, then brought his face in front of hers, which had been overrun with more and more displays of distress.
He could barely distinguish her delicate traits, flooded by tears and twisted by what could only be described as anguish.
"No! No Mili! It's not because of you… it could never be!"
Finally, a few words were released from their prison.
But could she even hear them, given her current state?
He had no way of knowing.
And that notion terrified him beyond belief.
In that moment, the judge's voice crept back up into his inner ears.
"Look at you've done, look at what your selfishness has brought upon your beloved!"
Tried as he might, Subaru could no longer afford to ignore those words, as they began seeping deeper and deeper into his head.
"Am I… I… I… I'm sorry, Subaru… I…"
Her voice pulled his attention back to reality again, but before he could reply, another sound escaped her lips.
The sound of a broken, unstable scream, one that barely had enough voice in its beginning, broken up by soul-lacerating sobs.
Faster than he could ever hope to react, she pulled herself away from his arms, frantically stumbling and walking backwards.
"I… I've made you do this… haven't I?"
The sheer absurdity of that question caused the boy's head to freeze for a good few seconds before a rush of adrenaline flowed right into his body.
"…What?! No! Mili, you have it all wrong! How could you even think something like tha-"
"If I hadn't been so…. if I did better… had I been better… you… you wouldn't…"
"NO! Mili, please listen to me!"
Now, to an outsider's perspective, it would be clear that, due to her state of shock, the half-elf's actions would be nothing short of irrational.
But when it comes to our protagonist's perspective, especially during a moment such as this one, things aren't nearly as clear.
As if his words fell on deaf, pointy ears, she kept stepping back towards the door, and her knight stumbled towards her in response.
No.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
Every inch of his body screaming at him, Subaru followed after her.
And as he did, he managed to catch a most worrying glimpse upon her lips:
A thin, red line, one that he had seen far, far too many times while staring at his disturbed reflection in the mirror.
His heart could have very well exploded at any given moment, or at the very least it felt that way.
With each step he took towards her, he could feel his legs sinking into a burning, crumbling ground.
No matter how many steps he took, she seemed to move farther or farther away from him.
For once more, his mind had reached its breaking point.
His perception of reality had begun to shatter.
All he could perceive was her figure disappearing behind the room's door, at which he lunged, opening up into the corridor.
He peered into said corridor, its usual appearance now warped into a winding, twisting path, with Emilia's silhouette just about to vanish right around the corner.
"Go on ahead, after her, if you can, if you dare."
And after her he rushed, one foot in front of the other, faster and faster, his muscles straining and contorting with flashes of pain running all across his body.
But that would have been a bit too "easy" now, wouldn't it?
From behind him, he could hear whispers, slithering ever closer, calling out his name.
He felt the jury running after him, as if a malevolent menagerie of every single rotten thought and feeling that had ever plagued his mind was now pursuing him.
But his nerves were still set aflame with resolve.
He would not lose her.
He would not push her away.
He would be there for her.
He would save her, again and again, no matter how many times or how much effort would be necessary.
And yet, be it from fatigue, the hurried and unstable pace of his steps or perhaps even because of the jury's hands, he found himself stumbling forward, falling down.
And as he fell, the world began to slow down around him.
Right as he was about to hit the ground, he could once again hear that loathsome voice.
The judge's voice.
His own mind's voice.
"My my, it would seem that you, Subaru Natsuki, have failed this trial."
There was no reply, for at that point he lacked the mental fortitude to properly talk back.
"There she leaves, to forever disappear from your life, or rather… this life."
He stared at his twisted reflection, a puzzled look upon his face.
"Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I speak of, don't you?"
The figure spoke, leaning down as his grin widened.
"There indeed is a way out of this predicament, all you need to do is pay the price!"
The boy's eyes twitched in pain, his ears barely comprehending those words.
"Oh please, don't tell me you've forgotten! Here, let me show you how it's done!"
With those last words, the judge reached for his own throat, plunging his fingers into it, tearing and clawing at it until naught but a blood-encrusted hand holding a piece of torn flesh remained.
What followed, within Subaru's mind and body alike, was one last, frantic struggle.
That dreadful urge, that terrible longing for peace, short-lived as it could have been, had once again manifested itself.
But this time, there was something opposing it.
That miniscule, barely still burning candlelight of resolve that he was still clinging to, as the boy fought with all of his inner might.
Death.
What a sweet release it would be right about now.
It could all be over, even if just for a short while.
He could just give in.
He could let it happen.
He could-
Something caught his attention.
"…again…"
He felt a great weight pushing down upon him.
"…doing this…again…"
The whispers grew louder, clearer.
"You're… doing this… again…"
The jury, in all likelihood, their whispers demanding for his punishment to be carried out.
"You're… doing this to yourself… again…"
But then, he also felt a tight, firm grip around the arm that had been reaching for his own throat, pinning it to the ground.
Painful as it might have been, it brought his attention upon that peculiar whisper, which suddenly roared loudly:
"You're NEVER doing this yourself EVER again!"
Thundering across the whole corridor, that voice dragged Subaru's mind out of its delirious haze.
He barely had enough time to properly take a look at his surroundings, at what was truly happening.
From left to right, he could see his left arm, weary and limping on the ground.
Then, his left leg, around which a rather apprehensive-looking Beatrice had wrapped herself around, tears streaming down her butterfly-shaped irises.
"Enough is enough, I suppose!"
Then, to almost the entirety of his right side, laid on top of his body, holding him down, was none other than Emilia herself.
While her face still bore the marks of the inhuman amounts of stress she had suffered through, she had a determined look in her eyes.
Eyes that were now staring directly into his own.
In that moment, for what felt for him like the first time in a long, long while, he felt a modicum of strange relief.
And with that sense of relief, his body and mind gave out, as his consciousness faded.
All he could hear just a few moments before closing his eyes, were a couple of familiar voices calling out his name, along with the sounds of a multitude of footsteps rapidly approaching.
Everything around him went dark.
Was he still breathing?
He couldn't tell.
Was he still amongst the living?
He had no way of knowing.
For quite a few moments, Subaru felt nothing, as if he was floating adrift in a numbing ocean of pitch.
Then, finally, a sensation of some sort presented itself.
It was… warmth.
Plain and simple.
He felt as if a warm blanket had wrapped itself around him.
It was nothing short of calming.
Calm… now that was a word he hadn't even remotely contemplated for quite the bit of time.
"Whether I'm alive or dead, I guess this could be either my reward or the consolation prize… not bad…"
After a brief silence, he could hear something.
The faint echo of a chuckle.
Almost as if in response to a "Who's there?" that was never truly spoken, he heard a voice.
A voice that rang with familiarity.
A voice that, many times in the past, had invoked many contradicting feelings.
And yet, it was a voice that a part of him, deep inside, loved to hear.
"…I am so proud of you…"
Before he could formulate a response, the voice spoke to him again, one last time.
"…I love you."
Now, if there ever was a phrase, associated with a voice, that set off alarms throughout the entirety of Subaru's being, that would have most certainly been it, although he had come to feel it in a slightly more positive light, ever since a certain conversation back within the Castle of Dreams.
Still, his eyes opened wide, his mouth let out a loud gasp and his entire body almost jumped awake.
He barely had time to think of what just transpired, let alone question if he had died and come back to that same morning again.
A question that quickly found its answer, when he felt a pair of lithe arms wrap around him, followed by a voice he could have sworn he had just heard a few seconds before.
"Subaru! Thank goodness! I was… no, we were all worried sick!"
It might have been the sound of silvery bells, but right now they were being particularly, and understandably, loud.
Not even giving his mind time to register what he just heard, the young man instinctively reached out for the half-elf, causing the two to effectively lock themselves into a tight, squeezing hug.
"I'm so, so sorry, Mili… I… I was so careless, I allowed my head to get the better of me and…"
As if to interrupt him, he felt the embrace tightening just a bit more.
"Tut tut, I figured out as much, an although I'd still like you to explain a few more things… now's reeeaaally not the time."
Enjoying that moment as much as he could, Subaru spoke again:
"…Mili, just to ask… how long was I out?"
"…a couple of hours, I think, I didn't really keep track of it because both me and Beatrice were far too preoccupied with making sure that you were safe… dummy…"
"H-hey, what was that for?! Haha…"
After a short moment of pause, Emilia replied:
"…I'm sorry, Subaru… I really, really shouldn't have reacted the way I did, it's just that… it was all so sudden… and thinking that you were doing that to yourself while I did nothing to help was just… too much…"
"Nothing? Mili… that's not true at all, I might have done what I did to myself, but that doesn't mean that you've never done anything for me. Don't you remember what I told you back then? You saved me! Even if it might not make any sense to you, I can assure you that you did far more than you could possibly imagine!"
After the knight's bold statement, his lady lifted up her gaze, looking directly into his deep, black eyes.
"Well… it should be about time for dinner, the others are probably waiting for us downstairs…"
"I know, Mili, but…"
There was a slight, but noticeable blush of embarrassment on Subaru's face.
A face that, despite his recent hours of slumber, still bore clear signs of lethargy.
"Hm…"
"Uh? What is it, Mili?"
As she was sitting next to him on his bed, Emilia gently, but firmly pulled Subaru by his head, all the way over to her lap.
This gesture wasn't new to him, and yet a look of surprise still did present itself upon his face.
"You know… Beatrice told me about your plan, while we were taking care of you… and since you've put a lot of effort into it, I guess you deserve to be spoiled, but just for a bit, got it?"
After chuckling for a few seconds, Subaru gladly accepted his reward, allowing himself to rest for just a while longer.
As she gently stroke his hair, he could feel Emilia slowly leaning down, whispering:
"I still don't know exactly what happened to you, but I can tell that it's been much, much worse than I thought…"
This caught the boy by surprise, and in that moment, he felt something within his mind, within his soul.
He felt something that had remained sealed away for a long, long time beginning to slowly resurface.
"…there are a lot of things I still don't know, and honestly? I'm rather scared of it all… but at the same time, I think it will be alright in the end, one way or another…"
As she kept caressing his head, the knight slightly narrowed his eyes, as his vision began to blur.
"…and as I mentioned, I don't know what might be going on in your head… but I promise you: whatever it might be, no matter how difficult it might be… I will be here for you…"
It had been a while since the last time he had allowed himself this luxury, but after so many trials, so many obstacles, so much suffering…
…he finally allowed himself to cry.
"…and I'm sure that the others will be here for you too! They may not always show it, but I'm sure that they care a lot about you!"
He sobbed and sobbed again, at long last letting out so much of that pent-up stress, letting go of so much of that weight he had been carrying upon his back.
"…and I care so, so much about you, I'm sorry for not being able to answer your feelings just yet, but I hope that, at least for now, this will be enough for you, Subaru…"
As the river of tears had run most of its course, our hero took a long, deep breath, then got up from his bed, greeting his lady with a knightly bow.
"Well then! My EMT, I may be… somewhat winded, but we both have dinner ahead of us, and I would never forgive myself if any of it went to waste! So please, let us away!"
With a slight chuckle, followed by a nod of approval, Emilia walked up to the boy.
"I await you to lead the way, then, my knight!"
Without awaiting any further orders, Subaru took his lady's hand, and the two began walking downstairs.
As they did, he found himself contemplating the state of his mind's landscape one more time:
The voices weren't gone.
The fears were still there.
Those treacherous, intrusive thoughts were still lurking in the dark corners of his heart.
And his inner self was still surrounded by tall, seemingly unscalable walls.
And yet, he was now facing it with a smile, for he had finally taken that first, important step.
It may not have seemed like much, especially when considering that ailments of this magnitude wouldn't simply vanish overnight, but would instead take years, perhaps even the rest of his life, to overcome.
But to him, it meant so much more.
It meant that he was not completely alone, when attempting to climb up those walls.
It meant that, should he fail, slip and fall, he could always try to scale them again, from the beginning.
Or rather, from zero.