Disclaimer. I don't own Eastenders. No copyright infringement is intended nor should be inferred. All copyright belongs to the BBC and BBC Worldwide.
Loyalty.
Phil sat in the pub staring into his glass of orange juice as he thought about the past. He knew his old Ma had instilled in him and Grant that family was all that mattered. Sam had been a 'daddy's girl' but he had remembered that the man she had worshipped had been nothing but a bully. And now he was so much like him it made him feel sick. He shook his head, listening to Linda and Kat laugh about something at the bar as he tried to block it all out. He had been so determined, when he was a young man to look after his Mum, Grant and Sam. He was the oldest. It was his job to look after them. Then there was Billy and Charlie. His idiot cousins. Billy had changed, was still mainly a useless idiot but he had kids now - William and Janet, a grandfather and great grandfather. A lot had changed since the say he had turned up and taken Jamie home with him. He sighed heavily, wondering what the young man would make of him now.
"Penny for ' em."
Phil looked up to see his son watching him intently.
"Not sure they're worth that much."
"Dad."
"You ok?"
"Yeah." Phil sighed. "Just thinking, that's all."
"Now I am worried." Ben smiled at his father. Phil huffed as he looked over at his oldest child. He knew Ben was a better man than he was. He knew the young man had been through more than most, he blamed himself for almost all of the trauma his kids had seen. It was his job to protect them, Louise and Ben had seen too much. Now he was repeating the mistakes with little Raymond. Sighing, Kathy, Lisa and Denise had been right to want to keep him away from them. At least, he reasoned with Raymond being brought up by Denise and Jack at least any damage being a Mitchell could do would be limited.
"Cheeky sod." Phil smiled slightly. "Just thinking I wish I could have been a better dad. I mean, I see you with Lexi and I have no idea where you get it from. She adores you."
"She's a smashing kid. I'm lucky, her and Lola are amazing. I mean she could be really awkward about everything with me and Calum but."
"She's a good girl." Phil sighed. "I should have seen that years ago. She's a good mum. Don't ask me how but somehow you and her have escaped the worse of the Mitchell genes."
"Self-pity, Dad."
"I know. Don't suit me. And no, before you ask I ain't drinking again. You been to see your Mum?"
"Just left her." He sighed. "You think I'm a good man? I'm not. I've done stuff, things that I shudder to think of. Half the crap I've been through, 99% of it I brought on myself."
"No." The older Mitchell shook his head. "I won't 'av that."
"I've seriously."
"Just done what you thought was right. I drank myself into oblivion - into Liver Failure. You ended up with drugs. Now, you listen to me. You do better than I did. OK? I thought I was better than my old man. Eric Mitchell was a violent bully. A right nasty piece of work. Hit your Gran, beat the crap out of me and Grant. Him and Archie, absolute scum."
"Why you telling me this? Why now?"
"Ben." Phil lifted his glass of orange juice to his lips.
"You sure there's no vodka in there?"
"Behave." Phil rolled his eyes. "No, there isn't. I just don't want you to mess up like I did. You are still a young man. You don't have to keep messing up. You really don't. You dun wanna end up like me - an old man. Sixty-two, old enough to have some sense."
"Dad."
"I mean look at me. Do you want to be sat 'ere or in some other boozer with Lexi in thirty years' time, having the same conversation? Don't be like me? I married your Mum, Stella." Ben looked away, his memories of the abuse just under the surface. "Sharon, Kate. Kids by three different women."
"That you know of."
"Exactly." He paused. "I don't want that for you."
"Dad, I can guarantee you; Lexi does not have any brothers or sisters in the woodwork." He smirked. "Biology, well."
"Ok, ok." Phil pulled a face. "But you don't have to end up like me. In and out of nick, people have died because of what I did. I am ashamed how I treated your Mum and Lisa."
"Lisa is a nightmare."
"She wasn't always." Phil sighed. "She was a funny, lovely girl until I met her. Until I messed her up." He sighed. "Just don't be like me."
"Firstly." Ben looked him in the eye. "I killed Heather. That was me. I lost it."
"You were a kid."
"I paid for it. I will always pay for it." He sighed. "Keanu."
"Is ok. You didn't kill him." Phil glared at him.
"Thought I did though." He sighed. "And Louise thought I did. Don't." He raised a hand. "And as for messing people up, why do you think I ended things with Cal? I'm poison."
"NO." Phil snapped, causing a few people to turn to see what the fuss was. Linda raised an eyebrow as she watched the duo. "You are not poison. That was what Eric wanted me to believe about myself. You have never set out to hurt anyone. You paid for what happened with Heather. You served your time." Phil ran a hand over his face. "Made yourself a better man."
"Dad, you are worrying me now."
"Sorry." He huffed. "Just remember this. If you've learned anything from your old man."
"What?"
"Your family. Sometimes, it don't matter how much you try to protect them. How much you try to make things right for them you have to accept that they are going to do what they want to do. You can't change them. And it don't matter. It really ain't gonna matter if they are family. You can't make people what you want them to be. Sometimes, the past catches up with you."
"Dad, what are you on about?"
"Not making much sense, am I?" Phil laughed slightly. Ben raised an eyebrow.
"Make things right now. Be a better man now." Phil sighed. "That's what I'm trying to say. I know what you did to Peter. I know your Mum lied for you. That's why he's gone off again. But you ain't got to keep repeating your mistakes. You ain't me. I never wanted to be like me old man. A drunken, violent bully but that's what I became. Its what Billy became too. Mind you you'd not think it." He sighed as he looked over to where the police officer had walked into the bar and was talking to Honey.
"You only did what you thought was best."
"Yeah." Phil sighed. "And I didn't stop to ask if it was. I spent my life trying to look after family. Grant, Sam, yer Gran, Billy you, Louise and Raymond. Kat and the boys now too. Finally got my head together. "
"Better late than never."
"Exactly." Phil paused. "So, learn from me but don't be like me. Let Lexi be her own person. She's smashing, she really is. And Calum Highway is the BEST thing to ever happen to you. Don't let him go." Phil watched as Ben blushed. "I mean it, Ben. Its the one thing me and your Mum agree on. Calum is the best thing that has ever come into your life. Don't let him go." Phil got to his feet as Ben frowned slightly.
"Where are you going?"
"Not far." Phil smiled. "Its ok, son. Just about time I sorted out where my loyalties lie."
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a/n first (and probably last) Eastenders fic. Always loved the Mitchells. Hope I've done the father/son relationship justice with Ben and Phil. Inspired by the wonderful flashback episode. Please review.